I (25m) am a postgrad computer science student, i like the stuff that i study, it's interesting, it was fun to study those things on my own before uni and even during uni pre pandemic. I got a job in the field at 21 and i am still kicking trough it, working on the usual tasks that a compsci consultant might be dealing with... I've been exposed to a lot of people throughout uni and i always felt an area of both ineptitude (socially speaking) and elitism (i am not the sharpest compsci guy ever, i like the stuff but it's not my identity, i've seen people doing proofs while plastered drunk, while driving without looking at the road or just in occasions that didn't call for any of that and people demeaning others because they know less (to the point of using really heavy slurs) and are not technically prepared as them).
I am now at the point that i am studying interesting stuff for my postgrad but i can't step inside my uni anymore (haven't been in the library for months) because i feel inadequate and kind of "not worth of it" all the while the exams feel like modules to compile after a semester of lectures because every inkling of interest gets kind of robbed away from the previous pressures.
I tend to do quite well into exams, even going at times above and beyond if i like a course (i spent 6 months implementing the IRC protocol into a multiagent system) with little to no satisfaction coming from it (just a pat on the back from the professor, a mark, everything ends there)... it feels kind of bleak.
I keep remembering now about the moments that characterized my bachelor, the magic of being in uni for the first months, the intensity of working on my thesis figuring things out on my own ways, getting to slowly figure out why the simplex method is like that throughout my operational research lectures...
So my question is, how can i keep growing up in this field without feeling like i am not worth of it, without thinking that i have to be a beast at it?
I hope it makes sense... thanks
Since you are doing well in exams, just push through. It's like climbing Mt Everest but with far less frost-bite.
I am confused as to whether you still have a job and are doing post-grad at the same time. If so, then you are probably suffering from burn-out. Might be good to scale down the job and just concentrate on some outside interests to mitigate the burn-out. Post-grad typically only takes a year or two. So the end is in sight.
As for growing in the field finish the MCS first. Then if you choose academia then pursue some niche that resonates with you. If returning to industry then it might help to choose a field which you find interesting. Once you are solving specific problems then you will follow the areas of CS which are most relevant.
It sounds like you're thoroughly sick of your work, but can't or won't consciously admit it even to yourself, so your body is staging a wildcat strike.
I've been developing software for over twenty years, and when this happens to me I get the hell away from computers for a bit.
Good luck.