This journey of self-discovery has included the realization that I am on the autism spectrum (later confirmed by a professional diagnosis), and I've slowly been learning how to apply this information in my life, with limited success.
Some recent changes in my life have involved meeting new people, and I'm currently gathering information on how to best go about this.
To be blunt, I don't want to mask or pretend to be neurotypical. I want to be authentic self. Unfortunately, this often leads to people thinking I dislike them or that I'd prefer to be left alone, even when I make an effort to be outgoing and enthusiastic, ask open-ended questions about them, and so on.
Would it be wise to just explain early on that I am on the spectrum? Perhaps this would cause people to view any hints of antisocial behavior from me in a less personal or negative way.
I'm open to advice from everyone, not just other neurodivergent folks. :)
For one, unless people have had direct experience with spectrum diagnosis, I think most still think of autism as the extreme end of the spectrum, of severe disability. For another, the label itself doesn't offer any knowledge of what to do differently.
In my mind, there are two things that you can do that might help:
First, it helps other people understand better when you make it about vulnerability. When you say things like "I dislike crowded spaces, it stresses me out." or "It takes me a little longer to come up with a retort, I've always been this way" it does exactly what you want: allows you to be your authentic self in a social way. Everyone has things that are outside their comfort zone, so being honest about yours is very relatable.
Second, you mention people "viewing hints of antisocial behavior". It's very challenging - to yourself and to other people in the situation - to be both "social" and "antisocial" at the same time. Social behavior requires effort from everyone. That's why advice columns have always existed, that's why there are so many self help books. Recognize that, as a baseline, practically everyone is walking around with some internal sense of inadequacy, and that in social situations most everyone puts on a front. Granted, most will understand the codes to putting on the front better than you. But the effort is there. Which is to say, if you decide you are going to be in a social situation, there isn't a way to square the circle, be anti-social and have it glide. But you can manage the effort to your capacity: step aside, limit the time, set boundaries - whatever works. It can help to know that really everyone else is doing it too.
On the other hand, I can't help but notice how many people with ADHD, Autism, Anxiety, etc. are now forming a strong personal identity around these diagnoses. We shouldn't neglect or ignore that part of their person, but I am also not sure how healthy it is for them to think of that as a primary part of their identity.
To answer the question: I would not mention that right away. Yes, autism affects the contours of your personality, but I don't think it is helpful for you or other people to think of you in those terms (especially right away).
I am not a doctor/mental health expert/therapist (clearly). Just thinking out loud.
Pre-emptive mention may not help you. However, once you meet someone and may be spend some time with them and you feel that a certain moment is a good time to may be break the ice, go for it. Something like "hey just so you know, I sometimes do this which may seem strange to you because ..". My 2 cents.
It's not going to buy you goodwill. It may cause stereotyping. You want to be know as g4zj not a guy who is hiding behind a label.
Good question.
That being said do not bring up your autism unless there is a very good reason for doing so, such as involved conflict resolution. Another good example is you are dating somebody so you would want to bring this up after a few dates to ensure there is a connection, on one hand, but not too delayed because bad news does not get better with age.
At the same time try your hardest not to mask your behaviors no matter how natural that may feel. People good at listening and reading other people will instantly see right through that and find your masking behaviors to be either deceptive or incompetent depending upon how they read your motivations.
Just be yourself, be honest, and be straight forward. In moments of social complexity restrain yourself from immediately blurting out feedback. It takes practice but attempt to carefully read the room and think through a thoughtful response to moments of social complexity. When that is not enough pull somebody aside and ask for clarification. Nobody will read your patient and carefully considered response to social complexity as weird, but as temporary moments of unfamiliarity.
In my case I am not autistic but I am super introverted and extremely agreeable. As a dumb army guy I have had to learn deviate from that through years of practice to become good at reading people and become extremely confrontational. I go far out of my way to not mask my behavior in complex social situations. My wife reads that as oozing with confidence, but its not that at all. Its not wanting to compromise who I am to conform to the people around me, and that has greatly increased my ability to read people, sometimes in ways people find probing without having to say anything at all.
There was one time my wife tried to have me evaluated for autism. I was flirting with the counselor and reading her responses. The counselor thought I was one of the least autistic people she had ever interviewed, and that completely pissed my wife off. My wife though I squeezed two weeks worth of charisma into 30 minutes. I was just tired after returning from a deployment and didn't have the energy to be reserved or careful in my communications. My wife was sooo pissed about that. I still hear about it 20 years later.
As for whether you should tell anybody -- it's best to keep it on a need-to-know basis. Intimate partners and family members deserve to know. Coworkers probably not, strangers definitely not. Do your best to "pass". You WON'T always succeed. But you do not want to be G.B. Shaw's "unreasonable man". That way lies unnecessary hardship.
Just live your life and be yourself. You can share this information when you get close to people. By then, the response, surely, is going to be "I figured".
Just one POV.
"What does that mean?", I wonder. I also find it odd that someone would say it when I meet them. Am I being insensitive? Maybe.
My point is a relationship/friendship is an agreement. I like you. You like me. Let's be friends. I'm not going to like you more or less because you're on the spectrum. I'm also not going to try and discern what you're thinking or why you are the way you are early in a relationship.
All this is to say, no, I don't think it's appropriate to bring up early on. You're either inviting pity or provoking disgust (or somewhere between these two extremes) in the other person. Just be who you are. Either people will like you, or they won't.
I meet a lot of people because of my kids. I'm friends with very few of them. Not everyone is going to like each other that much. And that's ok. You'll find people who really enjoy your company regardless of any medically defined condition.
People will either accept you for who you are regardless of labels, or they will not. It sounds odd, but someone not liking you because of your quirks isn't about you - it is about them. You are not responsible for making people like you. Just be yourself. Some people will think you are awesome, some will not. That is true for everyone. So take the friendly people into your life, and don't worry about the rest.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Be your authentic self and if people don’t like that, that’s their problem not yours.
Spergs who think like this eventually learn it's unworkable and tend to revert back to simulating* neurotypical behaviour again. If they don't they'll become bitter and claim the world refuses to understand them – which while true at the end of the day only hurts them.
No one who would naturally dislike you for who you are is going to be okay with you just because you tell them your a sperg. Not even my family will give me this liberty. If I'm sperging out and refusing to talk they don't say, "oh that's fine, you're a sperg". No, they'll get mad at me and demand I stop being rude – as they should.
You live in a neurotypical world. If you want to get on with people you have to learn how to simulate. Even in the unlikely scenario these people accept you for who you are it won't help you. You'll just find it harder to function in the real world because now you're not being forced to practice your simulation since everyone around you has been accepting your anti-social behaviours.
If you need to be yourself you should find other autists. But again, just having autist friends isn't a good idea because you'll stop putting effort into simulation.
That said, these things depend a lot on how autistic you are. If it's mild autism and you just have a few quirks then perhaps it's fine to be honest with those around you and be yourself. For myself this would be out of the question.
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* I use the word simulating instead of masking. I don't like the idea that I'm "masking" anything about myself, and that's also not what it feels like I'm doing. Masking makes it sound like I'm being deceptive in some way when I'm not. My simulated neurotypical personality is still 100% me I just have a translation layer on top. I always try to be true with how I'm feeling, but present it in a way that's socially acceptable. Eg, instead of pretending you want to be around people, you could just say, "hey, it's a bit loud in here, I think I'm going to sit over there for a while so I can concentrate". One is "masking" how you truly feel, the other is just stimulating a neurotypical response to how you're actually feeling instead of behaving in a way that's perceived as rude. The fact you feel you're being inauthentic might suggest you're trying to be someone you're which might be part of the problem here.
Sadly this is a skill many lack, so thus you too must be emotional intelligent and be aware of other's lack in ability communicate effectively.
You must eat the dog food as they say.
Many have told me I am, I've never been diagnosed and I don't care to. My child on the other hand if effected differently than myself and they standout regardless if they announce it or not. They don't need to announce it, its apparent. I would rather they lived in a world without labels and in a world more accepting of their personality with out having to prepare others or get permission just to exist.
I hope you find comfort in just being yourself and not define yourself based on some attributes. You are more than the sum of your attributes.
For example I'm also a Jew by DNA (30% exactly) though I'm nothing like a jew and supports a free Palestine. I'm also a Russian who supports a Ukraine. Again, I think we are living in a world of invisible lines and fake labels.
Though if you pick a label, might I suggest my favorite label. "Human"
Edit:
I've been asking GPT4 interesting questions about Carl Jung.
Heres a prompt I recently gave in in the context of Jung's theory.
Prompt:
Lets use carl jung's strategies for people who are introverted who are now trying to be more extroverted in social group settings. Give me some basic advice.
ChatGPT:
For introverts aiming to become more extroverted in social group settings, leveraging Carl Jung's insights can provide a thoughtful approach to personal growth and social interaction. Jung, who coined the terms "introvert" and "extrovert," emphasized the value of understanding and integrating various aspects of our personality. Here are some strategies based on Jungian psychology that can help introverts navigate social situations more comfortably:
1. Understand Your Introversion
Self-Reflection: Start by understanding what introversion means for you. Jung believed in the importance of self-awareness and understanding one’s own psychological makeup. Recognize the strengths of being an introvert, such as deep thinking, empathy, and the ability to listen and process information thoughtfully.
Seek Balance: Jung’s concept of individuation involves integrating different aspects of your personality to achieve a balanced, whole self. Rather than trying to change your introverted nature, aim for balance by developing your extroverted side in ways that feel authentic and comfortable to you.
Gradual Exposure: If large social settings are overwhelming, start with smaller, more intimate gatherings where you feel safer and more comfortable. Gradually increase your exposure to larger groups as your confidence grows.
Common Interests: Engage in social activities that align with your interests or passions. It’s often easier to communicate and connect with others when you share common ground, and your enthusiasm for the subject can naturally make you more outgoing.
Active Listening: Use your introverted strength of listening to engage with others. People appreciate feeling heard and understood, and this can create a positive impression without requiring you to be the center of attention.
Thoughtful Contribution: When you do speak, let your words be thoughtful and meaningful. Jung valued depth over superficiality, so contributing quality over quantity can be your strength in group settings.
Authenticity: Be true to yourself in social settings. Jung stressed the importance of authenticity in psychological health. You don't need to pretend to be someone you're not; instead, find ways to express your true self within social interactions.
Integrate Your Shadow: If you find certain extroverted qualities in others triggering or challenging, this could be an opportunity for shadow work. Reflect on what these reactions say about unacknowledged or undeveloped parts of yourself.
Self-Compassion: Be compassionate with yourself. Developing more extroverted behaviors takes time and practice. Celebrate your progress, no matter how small, and don’t be too hard on yourself for any setbacks.
Depth Over Breadth: Focus on making a few meaningful connections rather than trying to be liked by everyone. Deep, authentic relationships are often more fulfilling for introverts and can be built one-on-one or in small groups.