HACKER Q&A
📣 halfoutcloset

Trans and recently laid off need advice


I know this is probably not the best forum for this, and am well aware that it's a very politically divisive topic. But,I'm not really sure where to turn.

I've been an SWE for +10 years. The entire time I presented as my gender assigned at birth, and kept my transition a secret because the statistics for employment are depressing to say the least. A year and a half ago I changed jobs to a company that said they promoted tolerance which made me over the moon to join. Well that ended up not being the case. Without knowing anything (still same pronouns, and generic name that is predominately aligned with my gender) my coworkers, and manager said extremely concerning opinions regarding trans individuals (think more generic MAGA sentiment, and acts of violence I don't really care about anything else) so decided to play it safe, and not disclose since the trans benefits were shockingly good despite a not so inclusive environment. This also shockingly was not a small company by any means.

I was originally planning on coming out, but after getting completely cut off from my family 3 years ago I kind of stuck with "if I want to make myself happy I'm going to have to do this myself", and I did. I saved a large portion of my check, and immediately dropped it in savings. Shockingly gender affirming surgery is incredibly expensive, and I'm expecting around a $100k bill that I need to pay in a couple of months, and no surgeons accept insurance. You basically just pay cash, and pray your insurance company will reimburse you.

Well 2 months ago I was laid off, and applying for jobs has taken an extreme tole on my mental health. I've found it incredibly awkward asking recruiters what LGBTQ benefits are available, and well the stats show that I'm significantly less employable being trans, and I'm finding I'm getting more rejections even just mentioning it.

I honestly don't even know what to do anymore. My savings is slowly dwindling away, and I made the wrong bet on my previous employer. My LinkedIn, network, former coworkers all know me as my former self. But, now I'm stuck in a paradigm of not being depressed and coming out, and finding a job.

What should I do? I'm depressed constantly hiding a part of my identity, but know that my chance of landing a job in time, or at all will significantly drop if I come out to everyone.

P.S. I'm not looking for advice on the being trans. I'm honestly just looking to live a normal life, and be happy.

  👤 lusus_naturae Accepted Answer ✓
Can you find companies that are doing pro-lgbt+ advocacy work and need SWEs? Or non-profits that need SWEs? Some non-profits pay well, but it might not be up to your previous level. Rights groups and non-profits may be best bets right now.
👤 halfoutcloset
Bumping before going to bed. Thanks for letting me anonymously cry into the void.
👤 dylanhassinger
i would suggest getting a job (any job) so u can live to fight another day

remote job would give you the most lifestyle freedom.

at least temporarily, turn your old self into a character that u perform 8 hrs a day. thats what we all have to do, really

then figure out the rest when you can

👤 idoh
Every company I’ve worked at in tech in the SF bay area has at a minimum been completely tolerant of LGBTQIAP+, to having dedicated employee resource groups, so these companies exist. My rec would be: not to bring it up in the interview, not because you are hiding it but because it is not relevant in that phase. Either pre or post interview you can check out the company to see if they fit.
👤 hindsightbias
Larger, older less popular tech, blue state gov or federal orgs. I encountered LGT folks at IRS, GSA, NASA, Lockheed, IBM, HP, Cisco, JPMC, MS, going back to the 90s. Not universal, NASA MSFC won’t be like JPL, and none were paradise or places to be a rebel but coworkers were expected to get over their hangups with others and be adults.

Older orgs have process. Unicorns and move-fasts are winging it.

Good luck. It’s hard to say set it aside, but you have to get stable in work and space first.

👤 lamroger
Sorry - don't have actual advice. I remember the developer relations community being inclusive. Maybe you can DM some of them for specific advice or just someone to talk to. https://twitter.com/mipsytipsy comes to mind. Hope it isn't bad form to suggest someone on their behalf but comes from respect.
👤 k310
Don’t forget universities in appropriate states. IMO, With your experience, you might fit with a research group doing work beyond the experience level of students. And in space science, telescopes are generating amazing amounts of data. Universities are often affiliated with national labs, which you might explore as well.

The right universities will be very supportive, but positions at your experience level might be scarce, better at the labs, but I am not familiar with their environments. Definitely worth a try and checking their DEI statements.

👤 honestsuggestio
This is perhaps a bit too much of a 'thinking outside the box' suggestion, and please don't take this the wrong way, but have you tried reading resources for post-surgical detransitioners, such as the r/detrans subreddit? Doing so might help you rethink your desire for surgery, potentially saving you $100k or so and avoiding all of the health risks and complications involved.

Alternatively maybe keep in mind that there are many high-profile people of gender who haven't had any of the surgeries and seem to be getting on just fine.

Hope this helps and best of luck in your job search.