I’m studying human anatomy in my second year of medical school in Turkey. I like the subject, but when I see models, images, videos or dissections of human bodies, I get weirded out.
The body parts (especially the brain) and functions make me feel this way. I also feel weird about the fact that I and other people are just made of organs and tissues. We're basically just glorified meat. It's crude.
This makes me feel hollow, very hollow, promptly followed by an existential crisis, which then goes away after a while, but comes back again with a vengeance here and then.
I used to wishfully think that our bodies were special, something almost magical or half magical at least, not too anchored to the physical world, probably influenced by religion, but that hope fades every time I face reality.
How do you deal with this? How do you cope? How do you get out of this mindset?
- Accept reality and the fact that this is a crude subject. Use psychological tools to feel less weird over time (ie get a lot of exposure to the stuff that you find unsettling). You might succeed, or you might have to accept that this career is not for you.
- Create your own story about the body parts you need to work with. The guy at the kebab shop doesn't think of a lovely cute lamb having a happy life when going to work. He just sees delicious pieces of meat glued together in a nice roll that people love to eat. Could you do the same? Ie if you need to open a leg in surgery, you don't need to think of a person. That's just a leg, you could amputate it and there's still a person left.
I'm not religious and I do believe we humans are glorified pieces of meat. I'm fine with that but still feel unsettled by some bodily stuff.
For example, I have leukemia and I have to go through bone marrow biopsies. I kindly ask the nurses NOT to show me the gigantic piercing devices and I avoid learning how the process works in detail. As far as I'm concerned, a bone marrow biopsy is a small pinch (anesthesia), followed by some discomfort and cold sweating for 10-15 mins. I distract my mind and think about something else (ceiling of the room, the view, my own breathe, etc).
Deep inside, I know they stick something all the way to my hip bones and extract liquid inside, but I refuse to let that reality disrupt my peace of mind. If I start thinking about the process in detail I wouldn't be as comfortable as I am when doing one of those.
That being said, I am slowly overcoming this aversion and anxiety by studying biology in general: cytology, genetics, biochemistry, and related fields of science. I'm fascinated by intricate complexities of a cell, and amazed by wonders of what is possible by combining various atoms in various configurations.
This sense of wonder gradually permeates my overall attitude towards organs and tissues. For example, instead of seeing a liver as an unsettling meaty blob, I perceive it as a complex mechanism which is constantly working to keep me alive and safe from poisons and toxins. Looking at a drop of blood, I can think about red cells, leukocytes and thrombocytes instead of associating blood with pain and body damage.
In other words, I'm starting to view cells and organs as something that truly deserves some kind of glory and admiration. There is an easily perceived kind of beauty in flowers, animals, or mountains. And another, hidden kind of beauty in cells, organs, bodies. It needs some work to be uncovered and become accessible.
But also, I think our bodies are special despite how they may come across in an anatomy textbook. And for all the empirical scientific evidence in the world, no one can tell you what actually is consciousness, or where it comes from - that’s pretty special in my own personal opinion.
Overall, I think your feelings are a normal part of the process, and you will either get used to it, or maybe realise it’s just not the right career path for you.