How can I escape the Silicon Valley loneliness trap?

Question

I recently burned out over frustration with my career in Silicon Valley and its impact on my social and romantic life. My personality, technical background, and personal history limit my ability to work elsewhere; however, I am convinced that I will remain completely unattached and largely friendless if I stay.I have worked over 10 years in the embedded domain on projects with complex requirements and low bug tolerance. I have obsessive compulsive personality traits that lent themselves naturally to this. However, as a U.S. resident, it is difficult to find interesting work of this kind outside "big tech" in Silicon Valley. The main alternative is the defense sector, where my employment would be difficult as I cannot obtain a security clearance. I attempted to switch domains recently but failed due to discomfort with the more loosely defined nature of the work and general lack of interest.At the same time, I have a dim view of my social and romantic prospects here. I have found this area unamenable to connection among single people generally, and for heterosexual men specifically. The following comment is apt (particularly points 1 and 4): https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=32998786 According to data.census.gov, there are 126 unmarried men aged 18-44 for every 100 unmarried women aged 18-44 in Santa Clara County. In my somewhat earnest opinion, a man motivated to check that statistic is likely in the bottom quartile in terms of attractiveness.Has anyone here successfully resolved a similar issue? If so, how?

linguae · Accepted Answer

Have you thought about developing an "exit plan"? Face it, while Silicon Valley is an excellent place for software engineers to work on cutting-edge projects that would be difficult to find elsewhere, the high cost of living (especially housing), the lopsided gender ratio, and the sheer competitiveness of the area is stressful and depressing. It's a modern gold rush boomtown. My personal feeling is that Silicon Valley is a great place for people in their 20s just starting their careers, but it's difficult for men who want to date, and it's also very expensive to raise a family in Silicon Valley. For these reasons I plan to exit Silicon Valley within the next five years unless I strike it rich. However, leaving Silicon Valley has its tradeoffs. It might be difficult finding a fulfilling job in your domain outside Silicon Valley or a similar tech hub.
If your work situation is flexible and well-paying enough, one idea that I recommend is spending time in other cities to learn more about them and to see which ones mesh well with your personality and interests. If you find a spot that you like, then see if there is some way that you could divide your time between Silicon Valley and that location. My "happy place" is the Tokyo metro area, and I'm fortunate enough to be able to travel there a few times a year. My dream is to own two places: one in California and one in/near Tokyo.
I'd also look into career opportunities that make it possible for you to build a life outside Silicon Valley, such as remote work, certain types of hybrid work, or even possibly starting your own business.

lpl370MT3cm · Answer

Hi,I can speak from experience having been in the same situation (although not the same causes) as yourself. If there aren't enough opportunities in your location, then change your location (and I include international relocation in that statement). To me, it was all about priorities.You seem, at this juncture in your life, to want to prioritise your personal life over your career. If this is so, then change your personal circumstances to alter the balance in favour of your priorities.If you don't feel you can change your location, then maybe you're being untruthful to yourself about your priorities.

alexfromapex · Answer

I think it's the nature of working in software development. It's kind of funny that no one has invented software to fix the issue.

smabie · Answer

Work in trading / finance in Chicago or NYC.

PaulHoule · Answer

Go to Salt Lake City and work remote.