How to navigate the world as a brain-damaged 17 year old?

Tough road, kid, tough road. I had pretty serious brain damage when I was a child -- dyspraxia, dysgraphia, a bunch of other poorly-understood stuff -- and even today I'm still patchy. I've learned to have NT people handle the stuff I don't, like calendaring (I can't do time zones at all) and to be sensitive about tabulated data. I'm 51 now, and I've had a fairly successful career spanning a number of fields.

Two lessons from my experience.

1) the brain is incredibly plastic and over time figures out how to get things done

2) intense practice of very simple activities leads to very surprising and dramatic rewards -- video games with a strong hand-eye coordination component vastly improved my dyspraxia (at my age, we're talking Pac Man in arcades!) and then I moved on to tai chi. Deliberate practice of very simple things seems to be powerfully transformative for people struggling with neurological issues in general.

I don't know how much it helps, but strong odds there is a future. The year between A Levels and university to give yourself time to heal before you go straight into the next thing is a great idea. I also imagine there's a ton of emotional fall out from your attack and that also takes time to heal.

Shit hand of cards. You sound like you're doing a good job of coping. Keep on going it will improve over time.

I'm not sure what the situation is like in the UK but is this all stuff that needs to happen now? Because you don't sound like you're doing too well. You're studying drugged on caffeine and painkillers and then wonder why you don't retain information well.

From what I've seen first hand a concussion like this needs time to heal. Your brain, the organ responsible for processing information, has been harmed and needs to heal.

The main thing you need is time, which you seem to be lacking severely. That is the part I would focus on first. I'm not familiar enough with the UK's educational system to tell you how, but if you know where you want to end up try to find a way that gives you more time (whether that means starting later or starting something else and then transferring).

> I was off school for 6 months and I have post-concussion syndrome. I am now below average intelligence.

I had a lot of concussions as a kid; at one point I had three in a row the effectively zeroed out my short term memory. I had a task to memorize 5 paragraphs from some Shakespeare writing. Additionally, I was unable to do basic math in the timelines given for testing. Among those symptoms I'd also stopped eating and my childhood depression worsened. Things didn't look too good.

I went to cognitive neurotherapy done by Dr Jonathan Walker (https://www.neurotherapydallas.com/copy-of-about-1) in Dallas, TX. I was first given a brain scan to set a baseline and did months of EEG oriented games that targeted areas of my brain that were seemingly less active. At some point I had a small seizure while playing the games and the ease with which I played increased rapidly. Within a couple weeks I was able to memorize the lines I was required to and my math returned to functional levels. Check in to cognitive neurotherapy, as far as I know it's still experimental but it seemed to help me a lot. They also give it to war veterans with TBI (Traumatic brain injuries) at the VA.

First of all, Oxbridge is not that big a deal. I went there, it's just a bunch of people studying the same stuff they study everywhere else.

Second, what medical help are you getting? Seek out professional advice on whatever condition you've got.

You seem like you're still brighter than most people in your cohort. Don't be disheartened. If you can code, there will be things for you to do.

But find out about your condition first, and worry about uni afterwards. It's not the end of the world taking some time out either, just to de-stress.

I may not a great advice giver in this context, because my only qualification is that I write a fair bit of code and I'm in a university. But two things stand out to me.

1. Your value in life does not depend on any academic or other accomplishments. There are many people I respect that are not what you would call accomplished. Your brain damage may have changed you, but if I knew you in real life, I would not respect you less -- I would likely respect you more, because you sound like a fighter. That being said, choose your battles and try to find the path of least resistance.

2. Regarding universities, a lot of professors are happy to make accommodations. Communication is everything. You have shown spirit, and people rightfully respect that, because it's not all about how much code or papers or whatever other metric you can bash out. It's all about real life issues you are motivated to work on, and you will notice that when you get to a stage where writing letters is more important than grades. I don't know if that is already the case to some degree for Oxbridge for undergrads. The only advise I can give you regarding that is reach out, and reach out early. Your case is fairly unique, and if you can find an office or some other advocate for you inside universities, it could benefit you a lot for to reach your goals.

First of all, wow, you’re an amazing human being. You’re going to go far in this life because of your courage and determination.

Secondly, I encourage you to be intentional with your words. You have post-concussion syndrome, a temporary condition caused by an injury. I’d get away from calling yourself “brain damaged”. This choice of wording is subtle but can make the difference between developing a mindset that will allow you to overcome this, and a mindset that will hold you back long after your injury otherwise would.

Don’t worry about the prestigious school. You have something far more valuable which is character and an interesting life story.

Now the last thing may be the most challenging. And that is to take this time to learn to love yourself, deep and hard. I mean for f**’s sake you had a traumatic brain injury and all you’re thinking about is how to keep working at full capacity! Imagine that you were someone that you loved and were responsible for; say you were your own child. What would your priorities be?

Ultimately you may need to take a lot of time to recover from this. Love yourself enough to do so without guilt or shame. The education system will still be there when you’re healed. The tech industry definitely will stick around, blissfully unaware of you. And that’s OK because you’re a HUMAN BEING who is A LOT more valuable than anything you can put on your LinkedIn.

Understand what you are capable of and continue to show yourself respect and dignity. If you end up making sandwiches to pay the bills for a while, don’t let that become your identity. Tell yourself “I am a computer science student who is temporarily making sandwiches to pay my bills, while I recover from the injury I got helping my friend”. Manage this story relentlessly in your head and don’t doubt yourself for a moment.

Good luck with finishing high school (or whatever it’s called over there). Pulling off a graduation under your circumstances will be incredible. But also, you may heal substantially between now and then.

> I am now below average intelligence

The very fact you were able to write this post in such an articulate way already puts you ahead of 90% of the population. Have you seen how people write? I've been managing teams and projects in the last 18 years and I can promise you that written communication skills, along with patience to use them, are as important as coding skills, if not more important.

"Intelligence" per se is overrated. Work performance comes from a mix of intelligence, patience, communication skills and persistence. In real life, documentation and traceability (from well commented tickets) are as important as lines of code.

I hope you recover soon to full capacity. Just wanted to let you know that I'm not used to such fluent writing, neither from 17 year old people nor from the average colleague at software companies. You have that on your side.

Furthermore, please sue the idiots if you can.

Wish you a fast recovery!

The bullies might have gotten away with this criminal-wise but what about civil damages? It looks like they severely damaged your ability to sustain yourself financially.

I strongly suggest getting into weight lifting. There is a growing body of evidence that it helps your brain repair itself. My personal experience is that I'm much smarter after I started lifting than before. As a bonus, people are less inclined to fight you.

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/07/24/well/move/how-weight-trai...

https://www.ncl.ac.uk/press/articles/archive/2020/06/lifting...

https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/weight-training...

I can sense some stress in your writing. "Intelligence", as you refer it, could be heavily linked to emotions. Just the feeling that you are falling behind could be enough to trigger a poor performance. Try to keep your mind cool, and release some of the pressure you are feeling (my de-stresser is weight lifting). You seem to still conserve a good base "intelligence", so that is a pretty good foundation, just keep going and let it compound over time. There are plenty of opportunities for people that have a passion, even without a formal education at all or with lifelong conditions. Learn to live with your constraints, and make the best of them. In 10 years, you'll look back surprised about how far you've come, even if it does happen that you have a lifelong problem (which might well be fully resolved in a few months).

Hey, sorry to hear about the bullies, I don't understand why everyone tolerates the tragically broken school systems we have (I'm in the U.S., and my experience with school wasn't great either. Nobody cares here either.)

I can't give much in terms of life advice, but maybe you'll find this video from Strange Parts interesting, a YouTuber who almost lost everything due to a head injury and got terrible advice from well-meaning medical professionals. I have No idea if this could possibly be useful, but I hate the idea that someone might be able to recover still but never gets the right help.

https://youtu.be/Gs790JOeN3Y

There's so many different kinds of head injuries, though, and I'm sure they are all very different. But, I still wish you best of luck in recovery.

Ex (fairly senior) GCHQ-er here (retired after 35 years). Since you mentioned the option of a degree apprenticeship at GCHQ I thought that I would chip in to note that although GCHQ certainly isn’t perfect as an employer one thing that they are very focused on is inclusivity and would be required to take into account any disability in the recruitment process (you would clearly have some sort of medical evidence) and also to provide appropriate support where needed (the Disabled Employee Network is very active). The degree apprentices also get to work on some really interesting stuff (at least the ones in my area did) - if of course you like that sort of thing (and I appreciate that some here wont). I’d also recommend the cyber degree apprenticeship rather than the software engineering one - the work is much more interesting.

I can’t offer any medical advice but I’d reiterate the suggestions to slow down a bit and take time to heal properly - in the big picture an extra year won’t make any real difference.

Firstly, read about the recovery of YC founder Hiroki Takeuchi after his injuries. He built a team and led a company that was a highlight of my professional life and which is still growing strong.

Then, find two communities of people local to you.

The first, fellow programmers to continue to practice your craft alongside.

The second, people who do something with their bodies — dancing or rock climbing or basketball.

It may feel like the people at your school whom you would have expected to protect you have betrayed you. They have indeed failed you. It is tempting to hide away to be alone. It is tempting to only reach out to people on the internet who can at best offer superficial companionship. I ask you to resist that temptation.

There are still people who care even though they are human. In this moment what matters is that you find people to be beside you so that you still have a team. Few things are built alone. Many are built by building a team.

Sounds like you are very ambitious

But something quite traumatic has happened to you

Those symptoms you are experiencing could be your body trying to protect yourself

It sounds like you're trying to ignore those signals with caffeine tablets and other bypasses

If I was in your position I would start trying to figure out when you experience disregularation so you can notice it

I'd also be thinking about grieving for yourself and trying to process those signals your body is telling you

This is not an easy thing to do

I hate that this happened to you, I'm so sorry. As a fellow Brit, I know how brutal kids here can be, I've been attacked (broken nose, kicked in the head and face), and I was so fortunate not to have any lasting damage (that I know of...). I share your pain in terms of the justice system, out of the four times I was attacked, only once was it properly investigated and went to court. And that was only because the guy was dumb enough to do it in front of a CCTV camera and didn't even bother to flee. That was the least serious attack as well.

Hopefully your condition will improve, your brain's still developing and still very malleable still, so, hopefully it can repair over time and you'll start to feel sharper again.

What I will say, it sounded like you were exceptional to begin with, so I'll hazard a guess that you'll still have a more than competent set of skills, in spite of what happened to you. So, you'll probably still have a fantastic career even with this setback. You're still so young, and most people you age aren't even thinking of their careers, or even have employable skills (I didn't start programming until I left uni at 21, for example). So you have time on your side, big time.

So, just make sure you look after yourself, focus on healing as much as you can. Don't push yourself too hard, be patient, make sure you have the support you need from friends and family. Do things you enjoy, life's not all about careers and jobs, especially when you're young. It's great you're so motivated and thinking about these things at your age. But, don't make this the be all end all, enjoy your younger years.

Also, reframe the way you see setbacks like this. You might not go to Oxbridge, and that might suck, but you don't know what you'll do instead. Often, when I miss out on something, I find a way to turn it into a positive, I find a way to make the most of negatives and turn them into positives. Who knows, you might skip uni altogether, start a business and have more success than if you were to get into GCHQ or Oxbridge or whatever. You might have hated those two options once you got there, you just never know.

Focus on your recovery, I wish you all the very best of luck with everything. Genuinely.

Can you get your brain damage recognised as an official disability. That might assist you getting admitted into University or government jobs. I doubt you want to play the disability card but future you might forgive present you. And the best case scenario is that your brain gets better and you do great in your job.

Changing the subject you say, "When I've been able to rest for a extended period I feel almost like I used to, but everything degrades whenever I try to actually do something". People recovering from CFS or long Covid are (I think) given explicit advice to not push yourself because you will stay broken. I'm really sorry because that advice is not compatible with A levels study and the expectations that you have of what you _should_ be able to achieve.

Good luck

If you can afford it, the gap year sounds like a good start as it would give you some time for the NHS to catch up and for your body to heal.

I do not recommend freelancing, as it is likely to generate even more stress. From the options you mention, the local uni would be my choice: I didn't know how much I didn't know until I started CS, and I've never had anyone actually care about who gave me my degree.

You went through a highly traumatic event. Be kind to yourself. What I read in between the lines is that you maybe have too high expectations for someone that experience such a thing recently. You're young and you have plenty of time to recover. Pick the one thing you enjoy the most and focus on that for a while. See if that helps.

Let yourself recover.

You're already asking for help, though HN may not be the ideal venue for this. Try to get into therapy (of whatever kind helps you the most).

Brains heal, but very slowly. (My wife has brain damage.)

I recommend more rest for a few years.

Also, learn to fight back hard.

I guess you know how bad your concussion was and its prognosis, but having post-concussive symptoms that last <= 18 months is not uncommon. I'm not even sure that the post-concussive symptoms are directly related to prognosis. I understand however what you do post concussion can affect how quickly you recover, so hopefully that's something you're considering.

You may be "less intelligent" for now in a performative sense, but you're probably not less intelligent substantially. If I don't sleep, I am "less intelligent". If I'm angry, I'm "less intelligent", and so on. Intelligence is mediated and presently you are temporarily suffering some persistent mediators.

A-levels are significantly harder than GCSEs. You may be partly misattributing the difficulty to your concussion due to a coincidence in timing. Similarly, your coding ambititions may have leveled up. Sometimes when you level up you have to grind for a while before you get good enough to do what you want: this could be another thing you are partly misattributing to your injury.

As others have stated, take fewer A-Levels or take a break. If you take 3 years to do your A-levels instead of 2, its not a big deal. If you are an "eyes on the prize" sort of chap, it may be a mode you'd benefit from postponing for a while. Being goal driven can play terribly with significant unexpected impediments.

I'd add lastly that its good to have ambitions like "get into Oxbridge": shoot for the stars, and all that. However, bare in mind that you cannot get in by just getting good grades -- even if you got straight As. There has never been more straight A students in the UK, and Oxbridge is always over subscribed, so if that is something contributing to the stress of all this, I'd suggest speaking with people familiar with the internals of the entry process, they are not difficult to find.

My daughter had a fairly heavy concussion. They take time to heal. They aren't just a day or a week and you're good. There also may be permanent damage, but don't assume that what you have now is what you'll have long-term. There's still healing.

Especially, concussions take rest. Let yourself rest. Give yourself permission to take the time to rest. You need - temporarily, but for an extended period - to stop driving yourself to try to measure up to what you could do before. You need to not feel guilty for doing so. It feels like you're being lazy. You're not - you're being smart. You're taking the time to rebuild what you can, so that you've got more available to use going forward.

Note well: I am not an MD, just a rando on the internet offering advice. If an actual doctor tells you something different, listen to them.

You might look into neurofeedback. It has helped some people regain brain function. When it works, it can work well, and it's non-invasive so you don't have to worry about side effects. The book Symphony in the Brain is probably the best intro. There's also a chapter in the book The Body Keeps the Score.

Get a university degree. The quality of the university does not really matter, especially not in the long term.

I went to a shitty unknown school in France but I got hired in Amazon as a new grad and have been working there for years now (in the UK since 2 years). I have constantly people from top companies reaching out to me with job offers.

Going straight for freelance or any type of work after A levels is simply a total waste and a terrible idea. Get your degree, get a decent job and start your freelance business on the side. Only go full time once you have enough work to sustain yourself.

I think the advice you've got here to try to slow down and give yourself a bit of time to recover is good. It feels at 17 like you have to charge into the future and not wait a second or opportunities will disappear, but it's not really like that at all. Independent adult life is so impossibly big that you can't hope to experience even a tiny fraction of it; what you miss out on will be replaced by things even better.

If you're in a position to hold off a year at school - delay your A levels medically - that might be good. You can keep up with some of the math and programming you enjoy, but don't make it a struggle. In the best case, neuroplasticity will come to the rescue and you'll find you're able to function at something close to your prior level. And if not, some time spent to grieve for the You that had Oxbridge and GCHQ dreams will be immensely worthwhile. You will find that your brain will either adapt and recover, or adapt and make you feel okay about who you are now - today you're fighting against that, and something will break.

The other thought I had is, is there anything that you feel now comes easily to you? Programming no, you mention your poor working memory. But are there other pursuits which feel less like you're pushing up hill? If you do take some time off you may want to start investigating other possible futures for you - things that don't rely on working memory or deep abstract thought.

Sorry about what happened to you. I can't imagine how that feels.

I would first suggest learning to accept your limitations. This is the hardest thing in the world right now. All you want to do is fix things. You want to find that magic cure and set everything right. Of course, work with your doctors and do everything you reasonably can to improve your situation. But also realize that not accepting these new limitations is doubling up your anguish: once for the medical issue and then again for your reaction to it.

I suffer from working memory issues. It has affected my career, but I still do have a career. There are many useful assistive technologies. Smartphones, smart speakers and so it. It's easy to have reminders come up pretty much anywhere you are. Keep things in your visual field if you need to remember them (sticky notes on the monitor is a trope for a reason). Keep pen and paper (or tablet etc) and use it religiously. It will become second nature.

As for your career situation, you still have a lot of options. You say your chances at for getting into a top university are low. Of course it isn't easy to get into these great universities. And most people aren't dealing with missing 6 months of school!

I'll leave you with one thought:

> I had to drop an A level (further maths), which made my already infitesimal chance of Oxbridge zero

My rather small, rather ordinary school didn't offer further maths as an A-level. I applied and got an offer anyway. Maybe things aren't as dire as you think?

Freelance means more control over when you work and what you work on, but it also means more effort to find work, keep your finances in order, and ensure that you are meeting the demands of your clients (who maybe sympathetic to your situation to start with, but that might change if you fail to meet deadlines).

Existing in a team environment, with hopefully support and compassion, may be better for you while your recover, and you'll gain professional insights you don't get when working by yourself.

I wonder if you could obtain stimulants and if it would help your particular situation. It's not like ADHD meds are somehow chemically designed to help only with ADHD. They can help with working memory issues and with chronic fatigue like symptoms.

I'm thinking about something like Concerta, aka extended release Methylphenidate. Probably low or medium dose. I'm specifically mentioning this because you seem like you could be at risk of burnout or just pushing yourself too hard. And being on a lower extended release dose limits how much a stimulant enables you to push yourself too hard, in my experience.

The idea isn't entirely novel: - https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9214912/ - https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26991608/

I've read studies referring to stimulants as helping "normalize" an ADHD brain over time, so it's not unthinkable it could help "normalize" a brain in other situations, though what exactly that word means is probably medically tumultuous. But, in short, I think stimulants have the ability to change a brain over time, not simply be a "pick me up".

I don't know what the chance of this helping is, but I felt obligated to mention it, because in your situation I'd be willing to try anything that didn't have a chance of further messing me up. And stimulants in therapeutic doses have an extremely low rate of long lasting side effects, but again, your situation could be really different.

I'm sorry to hear tthat happened to you. I just wanted to chime in and say one thing, you got this. I've just started college and I'm taking 4 classes while working two jobs and you. You seem to be doing everything a good student should be doing, you're studying, using flash cards, you break the larger problems up into smaller chunks and you plan out your best course of action, you're asking questions outside of school to get more information.

From what I've read and learned so far in my Program and exploration course, this is exactly the types of things a "good" student does. I think you already exhibit the good habits of a good student who is willing to do the work to succeed.

I can't speak for your health but I do know that repetition, deliberate practice and physical exercise help with memory. There was a study recently done that said that older people on who walked on a treadmill for an average 30 minutes a day for 8 weeks were able to retain more information about a story they read than the people who had not exercised. My point is more deliberate "memory" practice and a little exercise may help with your mood and your memory and attention issues.

Most people with traumatic brain injury suffer from pituitary dysfunction[1], most commonly growth hormone deficiency, which causes severe fatigue and cognitive difficulties. You should make sure you're checked for that.

Also, don't let specialists stop at brain scans if they're alright, make sure you get someone to take a look at your spine and ceberal arteries.

If those yield nothing, get checked for Craniocervical Instability, a condition in which your spinal disk joints are unstable which can result in nerve or artery compression. This often causes fatigue, headaches, hearing ringing or your heartbeat

You could also try neurotrophic substances, which promote both neuroplasticity and repair from injury- in most countries, cerebrolysin is available as medication. Failing that, you can get 7,8-DHF and its 4'DMA-7,8-DHF cousin from nootropic vendors. Both are highly selective and thus unlikely to have undesirable effects.

I hope any of this helps.

[1] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6000755/?report...

Regular intense cardiovascular exercise is great. Having had over half a dozen concussions myself, the increased cerebral perfusion it affords makes a marked difference in recovery trajectory.

That said, obtaining medical clearance first is always best.

Sleep, healthy diet, exercise, and low amounts of bad stress will pay dividends. Since you're turning 18 soon, try to avoid heavy alcohol consumption at least until you're feeling better.

You want good stress—be it mental or physical—the kind that lets you push yourself in a way that builds you up such that you can claw your way back to function and feel good doing it. Avoid the bad kind that tears you down and degrades function. Sometimes, no stress is best.

A psychiatrist could potentially work wonders for you, especially if they have experience with brain injury. They're experts in psychopharmacology, and their armamentarium includes a lot more than caffeine pills.

You're still young, so you have a lot more time than you think to heal and still live the life you want. Best of luck!

There’s lots of interesting BDNF promoting peptides you may want to check into. /r/peptides has some info. Not a doctor.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Peptides/comments/t5qk0o/what_is_th...

First off: You are a hero.

Needs to be said.

You are way smarter than most even with the concussion. Way ahead of where I was, using 3 programming languages.

You should find out your full options first then carefully choose. If you can spread your A levels over another year it might reduce the workload and give you time to recuperate. Talk to the school. Changing schools or going to college might be another option if they wont let you.

Apply to Oxbridge still. See if a letter with supporting letters from those involved (school, police)? To show not just extenuating circumstances but that you have solid values.

Is clearing still a thing? You might get in that way too.

Optimise for your health. NHS can be hit and miss so if you suspect the doctors are fobbing you off about something get second and third opinions. If there are issues then consider going private if needed if your parents can afford to.

Good luck… again you are a hero as much as a war veteran, you should get some kind of medal IMO.

I think given enough recovery time you can get back to your previous state or better. It's important not to set unrealistic expectations that could lead to burn out. There's both a physical and emotional trauma aspect to this, I think you need therapy for both.

For physical trauma related to the brain, it's hard to say what is most effective. Typically, good nutrition and exercise seems to help--there's a body of research on this that I encourage you to look up.

Secondly, don't worry about how you used to be. I would rather just focus on the future and what you can do with your current state. If all else fails, there's solace (perhaps) in knowing that intelligence isn't necessarily required for success--to me it appears to be more a combination of luck and charm (kind of joking here).

Lastly, don't let your perceived loss become a self-limiting factor.

That must have been a very difficult experience to survive! Do you find yourself coming back to it? I know from experience that trauma can get in the way of functioning and look like reduced intelligence and focusing. Being joyous is part of being healthy and motivated, it keeps our juices running. Do you have enough help to process emotions related with that? You seem very energetic and trying hard to keep to some standards or promises. No matter what happened to your brain, you as a body and soul deserve very much care, compassion and attention, give yourself as much love and trust as you can and ask people close to you for more. I wish you get everywhere in life you wanted, maybe for some time you will just move slower than you hoped :( Give yourself full permission to go as slow or as fast as you can!

As someone who’s been in a similar situation, I want to give you some hope.

A lot of healing can happen within a couple of years. But you need to start now. If medical tourism is an option, there are plenty of countries that will treat you for cheap.

And if you are self driven, meticulous in your research, and are sensitive/aware about your body and consciousness, look into r/nootropics. You will find many people who were let down by the medical system who have recovered from TBI. But you need to be VERY careful.

Btw: what are the painkillers/medication you’re taking? In what dosages?

How soon were you treated immediately following the injury? What was done? Any diagnostic/tests/reports?

Give yourself more time, don't pressure yourself. Probably your brain will be better with more time, you are still 17 and developing. Even if it is more difficult for you now than before, it doesn't mean you cannot achieve anything you want. It will probably take you more time. Be patient, small steps to your goal is still progress.

I would try to find things that make me happy and make me use my brain, for example video games. I think it is a good way to train your brain while you enjoy, instead of watching tv or things like that. And don't forget to make some sport and eat healthy, those two things help with everything.

I am not a doctor, talk to professionals anyway (more than one).

If I were you I would try to get a job where people are aware of your situation and give your breaks whenever you need them. Freelancing adds extra stress, because you are outside the "easy" system for taxes, welfare and healthcare. As an employee all this is handled by your employer, which can be a great relief in times of stress. Maybe try to find a job at a government related employer. At least in my country they are generally less performance oriented.

Also, like others said, don't write yourself off. Your injury may need time to heal and you may be back sooner than you think. Try everything not to burn out until then.

The body and mind have a remarkable ability to heal, beyond what most think is possible. It sounds like a lot of your mental condition is due to over-medication with pain killers and medicine, as well as stimulants like caffeine pills. But obviously a lot of it is the result of suffering from that traumatic event you had and the fact that you're still not completely healed from that. Trust me, I've been there with drugs and performance enhancing stimulants, it's not a long term solution.

I've also been through a very rough period in my life where my mental functioning was severely degraded from a traumatic event. For context, I was a software engineer and yet all I had the capacity for was to watch TV and browse the internet (I definitely couldn't study). I felt very fearful that it would be permanent and that my life was over, given that I depended on my intellect for my living (and identity). I even considered just giving up software engineering entirely to do something simpler, like retail.

Thankfully, having come through that period of my life, I'm now actually clearer and mentally sharper than I was before I was injured. I actually do run an product engineering agency in addition to doing a startup, and it helped a lot given that I didn't have to be somewhere 9-5pm, and I could take days off whenever I was feeling tired or needed to rest. I found that doing mentally heavy work didn't help my recovery as much as simple exercise like walking, and spending time in nature. I would echo some of the other comments here talking about the relationship between physical health and mental health.

www.stultusstudios.com

I recommend looking to practising some kind of Yoga, Tai Chi or Qigong. These practices are especially good for people with persistent and lingering conditions. Remember, that you are not "brain-damaged", having this self perception is very limiting. I'm not your doctor but this sounds like the after effects of trauma to the head, which is temporary and will heal over a year or two. I wouldn't write off your career aspirations just yet, you're very young and have plenty of time. Also remember that you can come out better than before as long as you focus on self care, rest and not pushing yourself too hard. Your rest and recovery is more important than grades. You don't want to exacerbate your condition and delay your recovery by overexerting yourself.

You're a high achiever but sometimes we need to step back for a moment to regain our foundation, so that in future we can flourish. Feel free to PM me if you want.

The guy who runs the strange parts YouTube channel suffered a severe concussion and found some treatment that seems to have helped.

I would definitely do some research on this, but these are the people who helped him:

https://www.cognitivefxusa.com https://neuraleffects.com

Sorry to hear about your attack.

It reminded me of Cory from Strangeparts, he had a concussion and seems to be handling it quite well, even recovering: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gs790JOeN3Y. Hope it can help you somehow.

Hope you best of luck with whatever you decide to pursue.

There's Dr. Lewis's mega dose fish oil protocol for recovering from head trauma:

http://www.brainhealtheducation.org/resources/brain-injury-p...

You can use any brand of fish oil that's decent quality.

Make sure your diet is good & healthy, and get regular exercise. Walking is good.

Supplements would likely help. B Complex (10-25mg for most B vitamins), magnesium, zinc, lutein (20mg) and fish oil are all good. Most of those, if not all, fight inflammation and help with recovery and fight fatigue.

Try doing crosswords and mental math. Both work your memory in different ways.

Hi, my wife has post concussion syndrome, she was lucky enough to see an NHS consultant after just a 6 months wait.

The consultant told her not to take pain meds every single day, you need to limit it, otherwise the headaches will get worse.

Also, darken your screens with a privacy film, wear sunglasses, and get as much rest as possible.

Caffeine may not be helping either.

God speed.

I've read about a few people who've recovered from brain injuries - but it does seem to take ages - so hang in there!

The guy who runs the Strange Parts channel has a video about his recovery; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gs790JOeN3Y

Not helping solve your problem, but regardless alertness talk to your doctor about Modafinil or Adrafinil - both are non-addictive "vigilance" drugs, I have hypersomnia and mild narcolepsy; I've been taking Modafinil for over 9 years and it's truly transformed my life.

How can I get in touch with you? This same thing happened to my sister and now she is a doctor at Harvard and helps a lot of people in the disabled community. She healed her brain and can share how she did it. She was older than you and had less neuroplacity.

Don't give up on the GCHQ idea. As a large public (in the business sense) organisation they will be hot on "reasonable adjustment" and possibly interested in the diversity of thought/opinions resulting from your horrible attack.

I am in the UK, have memory issues and have mentored multiple people about careers in tech. Am happy to offer a bit of informal mentoring if you'd like to talk through your options.

Feel free to reach out to me at tom+adalt@bonner.is

Take time off to heal. Nothing bad will happen if you graduate at 19, 20, or 21.

I know nothing about your situation but please keep in mind that you COULD recover part of your brain capabilities so don't lose hope. Hope for the best, plan for the worse.

It sucks what happened to you but look at the positive side, you’re still here with us. Could’ve been worse. The brain is amazingly good at recovery so give it time.

Not related, forgive me please, but if you give me the bully's location, I can do some of my own justice to them. (unfortunately sarcastic)

For what it's worth: you still write very well.

Are you in counseling to address emotional trauma around this incident? You may be dealing with PTSD on top of physical brain injury.

Also, I’m so sorry.

Lion's Mane is thought to help memory. There are a lot of foods and supplements that can help your brain heal.

You need to take a year off and recover. You'll hurt yourself more if you continue to rush this.

Hi.

I'm deeply sorry to hear about your tragic situation. School is shit, and being a teenager is fucked up for the people who get bullied as well as the bullies. High school is quite an emotionally unhealthy place (at least in the US).

When I was 6, my father was in a car accident (head-on collision) which resulted in a TBI to his temporal & frontal lobe. He was 46 at the time. He's 70 now and he struggles every day.

My brother was in a car accident with a train when he was 24. He also suffers from a TBI, but his recovery has been incredibly remarkable. He's 33 now & 99/100 times after a conversation with him, you wouldn't have a clue that he suffered from a TBI.

What's the point of me telling you this? Brain-plasticity is very real and based on the small sample size I have personal experience with, it's a function of age.

One big caveat I'll mention: my brother isn't particularly academic and hasn't been in the classroom since his accident, and I'm not sure how he'd fare under the pressure of coursework. But that's not an apples-to-apples comparison anyways.

I feel as though you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself. As a self-motivated individual, I empathize with you. But, there's actually some adverse effects from that pressure & stress: it negatively impacts your decision making (https://news.mit.edu/2017/stress-can-lead-risky-decisions-11...).

What's interesting is that over time, this appears to have an exponential impact on cognitive function:

"While stress can shrink the prefrontal cortex, it can increase the size of the amygdala, which can make the brain more receptive to stress" (https://www.tuw.edu/health/how-stress-affects-the-brain/)

What's my point? Take some time to de-stress: the stress and pressure you're putting on yourself is actually making you more stressed and increasing the pressure.

You're young. You're bright. You have an incredible future which you will determine (in due time). Your brain will adjust. Focus on learning how to learn again & seek ways to improve cognition rather than worrying about work (if you have the privilege to do so, whether via family means or societal/governmental). Don't get lazy, but don't crush yourself because you're not who you were before this bullshit happened to you. Work will always be there. Focus on the pillars of your health (physical, cognitive, emotional).

Would love to connect with you and hear more about your journey if you'd like (I'm a software engineer & happy to share anything I can about my experience working in the industry).

Your situation and mine seem very similar, it sounds like. I went to a technical high school, then studied computer science in university. My concussion came when I was 33 and my post-concussion syndrome just entered its 11th year. I wasn't able to do much of anything for several months, certainly not programming, but also not reading, nor even watching TV for more than ~15 minutes at a time. A neuropsychological exam was extremely interesting, I thought, picking out the specific areas that were most affected. My "verbal fluency" dropped precipitously, for instance. While talking, my brain will sometimes just stop mid-sentence for several seconds, or I can't find the right words. It's like a stutter, but where someone stuttering knows the word they want to say, I can't get to that point.

Over that first year, though, things did slowly improve. I started working again, as a software developer, but only a couple hours a day. "Find a supportive employer" isn't helpful advice, I know, and I was extremely lucky I was working at such a place. The important piece, though, is that I was able to start finding routines and patterns with how much mental energy I'd have at different points in the day and week. Around the one year mark, I'd improved enough and found a routine that let me get back to working full time, but on an altered schedule. I work a few hours in the morning, take several hours off, then finish my day later on.

Experimenting to figure out how much I could do at a stretch, and what sort of breaks I needed in between working periods, let me understand my injury a lot more and adapt my life around it. I'd feel best Monday mornings, after a weekend, but if I didn't watch my work time like a hawk, I'd be useless come Thursday or Friday. There's the mental health "spoons" metaphor, where you get a certain number of spoons per day, then everything you do costs some number of them. When you're out of spoons, you're out, and there'll be stuff you just can't do. It's the same for me, but I think of it as a weekly thing. I get my 40 units of brain-on time each week or so. Working counts against that heavily, but even something like listening to music in the car runs down the clock.

So, all that said, first, you've got my deepest sympathies. I hope your condition improves soon!

As some more practical advice, practice advocating for yourself, and when you're unable to, try to find someone who can on your behalf. Don't be cagey about it either, but tell your friends why -- "Sorry, I can't, my headache is awful right now and I just need to be alone and quiet." Don't be afraid to cancel plans either. It's frustrating to have to do so, but if the result of attending is having to spend the next 24 hours in a dark room, it's probably not worth it. You might put some people off, but your friends will understand.

Next, find hobbies that don't tax your brain, or at least, don't tax your brain in the same way. Programming as a hobby is pretty much off the table for me, for instance. Doing crossword puzzles, though, seems like it exercises different parts of my mind. I designed and build a 3d printer, and continue to tinker with it. I've delved deeper into more aspects of photography. There are plenty of options, but the important thing is to find some things that won't drain you, leaving you able to do the work/school stuff you have to do, but also not making you sit idly by while you recollect your energy.

Finally, regarding work and school, I'd suggest avoiding freelance work. It's more stressful, since it'll be on you to continually find work. It's also easy to end up as the single person who can fix someone else's urgent problem, which is exactly what you don't want, especially early on during recovery. If you go to university, look for job resources there. There might be on-campus jobs to apply for, which would probably be part-time gigs, or something similar for external companies. Either way, try to develop relationships and prove your value to the staff and faculty, then parlay that into a longer-term role.

Once again, best of luck to you. I hope this has been helpful in some way -- if so (or if not), feel free to PM me if I can help, or you just want to vent about the neurotypicals.

Hey dude, First off I'm really sorry this happened to you. Having a health condition when you are young, particularly associated with a brain injury or illness is one of the things it seems hardest for people (without one) to understand.

I also ended up with very poor short term memory (getting lost on the way to or from places I've driven all my life) due to a bacterial infection and I know how hard that can be in a programming setting. Your first impulse (plan things out more) is a good one if you MUST work now.

For me I always felt like I had to keep working even though my brain really wasn't at a level where I was super productive (as I had been my entire life before). If you feel that way it's OK to work and specifically good to work on "how you work" and what works for you. Brain injuries are really different between patients so it's important to remember that this is about you and your situation, how you feel and what you love to do.

That said it's also really really important to try to focus on the fact that you can get better (and should absolutely make that a priority). A gap year is a great idea, but you may need more than one and that is O.K.

Your story isn't going to be the same as the one you had in your head, or what people think of as a successful pre-university career but I hope you will take some time to see that this perspective on the different challenges we all face in life leaves a lot of the beauty out of the world. You are likely going through something harder now than most people will ever experience.

That's going to change you in ways you don't expect and couldn't have imagined but it's also going to make you who you will be on the other side.

From your writings randomly found on the internet I imagine that person will be both incredibly interesting and incredibly effective.

Don't give up on getting better but also try to understand that "getting back to normal" may not ever be possible. Be who you are now and try to enjoy the things that make you happy now.

Definitely take some time without pressure to find what those are, I'd its programming still, do it even if you aren't as good as you were. You will find ways and tricks (note taking and searching is fucking key!) which get you 80% of the way there which is way more than most people are working with if you stay focused (and love it).

Things also get better with time even if all you do is live. So just live and try to live it as best you can.

You got sick earlier than I did (25y/o) and I think that may be harder but you are in a position where there (as of yet) aren't an org full of people depending on you. That's good. Make the priority what is best for you and try not to let the "I could do this if only.i was healthy" but sneak into the conversation. None of that matters at the end of the day and this isn't a race.

I wish you good luck in your search for yourself since really that is what growing up is about. I also wish this never happened to you but know that you will be stronger for it.

You will come out the other side with one of the more interesting lives and a list of challenges bested that likely puts any university experience to shame.

Go explore your new world and don't look back if you can help it, All my best. _Scott

So rather unpopular opinion here and i expect to be downvoted

Tough luck kiddo, but you are reasonably fucked

The sad thing about these injuries is that they are in fact life changing

You are not the "bright young student" that you used to be you need to get it out of your head that these things are still an option

You might at one day recover but for now that's not something for you to rely upon

The person you used to be is now dead