* Emotional regulation. When he's upset, hold him and allow him to feel my calm breathing, help him breathe
* How to tell other people that he'd like more of something, that he'd like something to stop, or that he'd like something
* Good connection time by holding him and dancing, playing outside in the grass
* Good connection time by wrestling and tickling. (Plus, I think that kids like this because it helps them learn how to defend themselves)
* Good examples. I'm very good at emotional regulation and very attuned to what I want and need. Same with toward his mom. There are very very few behaviors that I have that I wouldn't be ok with him copying. My behaviors serve me well and I feel content, so I know that if he just mirrors me, which he's likely to, he'll be in a good spot
* Healthy food, minimized exposure to plastics and environmental toxins
* Guided his behavior in a way that makes him enjoyable to be around, which helps him get good loving connection from various people in his life
* As much as possible, I bring him with me and show him the things that I do and how I do them
* Taught him things by focusing on quick positive reinforcement of what I do want, rather than negative reinforcement of what I don't want. This means he's not stressed and trying to avoid bad things, instead he can seek good things
* Responding to him rather than reacting to him
I believe that when parents are calm and content, then following their intuition will lead to great things. That's how I've approached it. I worked really hard for a few years before having kids on becoming more calm, more content, more responding less reacting, creating more emotional safety with my wife and to myself, and getting in touch with my intuition. Then with parenting, I've followed my intuition.
I take both seriously. I’m not being trite, I structure my work day so I have real time with my son every day. I do activities that we can do together on the weekend, some that he enjoys and some we can enjoy together. I work every day on modeling good behavior for him, I don’t get frustrated when he is acting out, etc. don’t be crazy when you’ve got a two year old isn’t that intense, when you’ve got a 14 year old I’m sure it’s going to be trying.
Friends that I have who are relatively well adjusted had parents who mostly did both. They also seem to have good relationships with their parents in adulthood. It’s not going to make a good parenting book, but let’s be honest none of us are going to A/B test this stuff.
I know this isn't as fun as teaching your kid how to ride a bike, but in the early years, it's very important to show up and do the work and not just be another person in your child's life who will transform into a father when bedtimes are later and communication is improved. It's also important to our marriage. She's not the mom, and I'm not the worker. We're the parents, and we're both involved in our children's lives.
One semi-related point of pride: We are English-speakers in a non-English-speaking country. I realized that there's no cultural reason my kids should call me "dad," "father," "daddy," "pops," or the like. No matter what they call me, it'll be weird to the native speakers of the local language. My wife and I decided the kids could call me "opossum" (pronounced "possum"). The oldest one has many stuffed opossum toys, and she likes to watch videos about opossums. She outgrew her baby blanket, but she was attached to it and didn't want to give it up. Since our daughter loves dogs, my wife bought one with dogs on it. That lasted 2 or 3 nights before she was back to the baby blanket. I ordered her a larger blanket with opossums and flowers on it, and she now proudly uses that one. Even though she doesn't understand the connection between me and the animal, she knows there is one, she's happy about it, and that is so fulfilling to me as her opossum.
They will inevitiably rebel to one degree or another as teens, but as adults will revert to the model you provided.
Do your hobbies and chores with them. This is horrible and painful as they set an epsilon < 1 multiplier to everything you need to do - take out trash, shop, change tires, fill dishwasher, fix, cook, clean... do everything you can together. Around year 5 the epsilon will start to go over 1 sometimes. At year 7 it will be over 1 most of the time.
Read to them every day. Tell them tall tales every day. Open as many window to the world as you can and see what interests them, tell more tales about that.
When you are angry at them and want to shout and hit the little buggers and loose control try to squat next to them and shout them at their level instead of using your adult height leverage. I found it helps a lot :)
1 Listening to them talk about stuff that is interesting to them but not to me such as video games, kids' books, toys.
2 Fixing their broken toys.
3 Building science models with them
4 Helping them collect stuff (such as rocks etc.) for school projects
5 Not yell at them when they don't get a simple math or programming concept (I have had a multi decade head start on them so I need to be patient)
I try to engage my kids around that, and try to encourage them in their strengths, help them through their weaknesses.
I also try to give advice when they are flustered. Listen to them when they are excited. Help them hash through their passion projects (my 3 kids have very different desires: so one is building games and I give him game / coding feedback, one is writing a book and I help him w/ his worldbuilding and story beats, one is working on internet influencing so I brainstorm and assist with technical issues).
I simply went along with whatever they had wanted to do. My wife was stuck with all the non-fun stuff. We climbed mountains, we hiked across deserts, we flew airplanes, we canoed rivers, we ate whatever we wanted and when we wanted (at least when the wife was not around), let them routinely skip school when the wife was not in town, taught them to use all of the power and hand tools in my shop, taught them to use all of the equipment on my electronics benches, took them to IPSC matches, took them to rock concerts (at least I did not allow any weed smoking). Took them to whatever R-rated movies they wanted. Read Heinlein, Asimov, Sprague de Camp, Le Guin, and other such stuff when they were young as bed-time fare. I shit you not, their favorite was 'A Brief History of Time' - not a chance that kids at 5 and 7 years of age understood that Hawking shit, but they liked it.
The boy got a fancy PhD and does stupid shit for stupid people that pay him obscene salaries. The girl got music and math degrees and teaches music and math in a New Mexico public school.
My wife says that they turned out ok in spite of my non-efforts, not because of them. She may be correct, I dunno.
I honestly don't know if it's the most valuable things to do because my kids are still young. I have 4 now, but I believe always finding time to spend with them and have things to talk about is most important no matter what it is.
I always liked this advice: Don't give the things you've never had, teach them the things you didn't know when you were young.
-Work to become the kind of person you would like them to grow up to be- they will follow your example, not your instructions
-Slow down, be patient, and protect them from the stress and rush of adult life. If you are late and angry at them for not getting ready quickly, realize this is your fault not theirs- you didn't plan ahead
-Be emotionally available. Validate rather than dismiss their concerns. Really listen to them. Be happy when they share difficult feelings or mistakes they made with you, instead of being angry at them. At the same time, don't be too emotionally vulnerable- they don't need to stress about your adult problems.
-Encourage their passions and interests
-Spend lots of quality one-on-one time with them, especially doing physical things outdoors. Take them fishing and hiking solo. Hours spent in nature one-on-one with a parent are the most valuable time in a kids life.
-Be loving and kind to their mother, even if you aren't together anymore. Never complain or say negative things about her.
-Help them be part of a community where they learn to know, trust, and interact with people of all ages- join clubs and bring them along, etc.
-Adopt the mindset that you can take them to do fun activities together, and they are never a burden preventing you from doing what you want, but actually a chance to share what you love with them. Kids can do a lot more than you expect.
-Learn to set boundaries and enforce rules with calm and kindness. Anger and losing your temper are weakness, not strength. Respond to conflicts the way you would hope they do as an adult.
-The daily dad: daily parenting tips and philosophy by e-mail https://dailydad.com/
-Book: Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids by Kim John Payne and Lisa M. Ross
-Podcasts and blogs from Janet Landsbury https://www.janetlansbury.com/1. Have never knownly lied to my daughter- not about Santa Claus nor extreme sex. If she asks a question I answer it to the best of my ability.
2. Trust - I have have a very high level of trust and she has much more freedom than other children in her class.
3. Constantly saying how proud I am of her and how much I love her.
It help we are in Australia where it is very safe, no guns.
After having kids of my own, a flood of disturbing realizations came to me about all the things they didn't do. For example, my parents never played with me. Ever. They never asked me about my day, asked what I was interested in, asked for my opinions on things, or tried to get to know me. We never hugged either. They were both completely incapable of comforting me when I was upset, and would get angry at me for expressing my emotions. They didn't teach me anything. Nothing. They didn't teach me how to cook, how to do laundry, how to manage money, how to fix stuff around the house, or how to manage my time. They gave me zero structure or rules, and simply did not care what I did or how late I stayed up. I was a latchkey kid starting at the age of 9. I spent the majority of my free time playing video games in my parents' basement.
My dad was also a "functioning" alcoholic. He was functioning in the sense that he could hold down a well-paying corporate job, but was otherwise totally checked out. He would get home from work at 6, pour a glass of scotch, plop down in front of the TV, and stay seated there for the rest of the night. Weekends weren't that different. Although he was physically present, he may as well have not been in my life at all. My mom wasn't much better. Although she didn't have a drinking problem, she enabled my dad's drinking and was obsessed with her own career, and was basically checked out as a parent as well.
It took my until the age of 34 to realize that my upbringing has had a disastrous impact on my mental health. Although from the outside my life looks pretty successful and prosperous, my inner world has been a jumbled mess of anxiety, fear, denial, and avoidance for my entire life. When I learned about the concept of "hypervigilance", it was like having my core personality trait summed up as a trauma symptom.
It's been a massive uphill battle for me to learn, essentially from scratch, how to be a good father. My number one goal is be emotionally present for my sons. My oldest isn't even two yet, but I try to: comfort him when he's upset, give him the vocabulary to express what he's feeling, play with him on the floor everyday, teach him the names of things we see on our walks together (birds, plants, trees, etc.), read to him, and give him choices that he can make on his own. As he gets older, I want to help him discover who he is and what he likes, rather than force him to like the things I like. Above all, I want to be present in his life, and for him to truly feel that he's loved and supported by me.