Because I don't want the stuff I talk about here following me offline or to my primary online user name, I'm using a separate account, and will be kind of vague describing some things.
I'm in my mid-30s and currently work as a grocery night stocker. I've liked programming since I first used GW-BASIC on the 286 I got for Christmas, and originally planned to work in programming, but I'm terrible at getting decent grades. So even though I could do the work better than everyone else I ran across in college (although this is more them being terrible than me being particularly good), and don't have any major behavior problems (e.g. Terry Davis), I wasn't able to graduate due to a low GPA. As it stands, I'm screwed once the people supporting me die off, and everything I've tried to do to improve things has been a failure. I don't feel like I have any meaningful influence over my life, no matter what I try.
I'm mostly interested in systems and embedded programming. I mostly write C and assembly (several different ISAs) since those are my best options on the hardware I write for, but I've also done some C++, Java, Forth, and Python. I still program, mostly doing retro gaming stuff, since it's similar to what I'm interested in. I've also done stuff for my dad (all simple things to help control some device how he wants to).
I had an explanation of different problems related to whether or not I should attempt to get the degree again, but I wasn't ready for the 4000 character limit. This is the hyper-hyper-abridged version, with more detail below:
If I got the degree, I'm not sure I could convince anyone to hire me due to my age (without professional experience to counter balance) and difficulty talking, and moving to a place with jobs is difficult (currently taking care of relative, and housing issues). I'm also not sure I could get the degree because I am terrible at doing stuff required for good grades (bad at rote memorization (but still good at learning processes) and working totally alone (but do great with other people)). University said that there's absolutely nothing they can do to help me with it. I've gone to different counselors and therapists, but they've never done much more than suggest I pretend I don't have problems, or try what failed before and hope it goes differently (for no reason).
The major questions I have are: Would I be able to get any meaningful return from a degree if I was able to get it? If I do try to get it, what would improve my odds of getting it? If I manage to get it, where should I go from there? What should I be doing to improve my future, in general? How do I get myself to do things I want to (or don't want to)? But any kind of advice would be appreciated.
Also, I'm not happy with my current job at all, I've wanted to try to find something else for a while, even if it's not programming related. I know this might sound stupid, but the main issue I have at my current job is that I spend pretty much the entire time there thinking uncontrollably about everything terrible in my life. I hoping a change of scenery might help break or stall that habit. There are other, more concrete, annoyances like the health insurance has been continuously getting worse over time (losing dental, then vision, and now I have to pay $120 per month if I don't want an $8,000 deductible). It would also be nice to be able to see daylight more. Given how I failed to get hired on my own before, it's hard to be positive about my chances of getting hired somewhere else, but it's been a while since then, so maybe things are somehow different now somehow?
Should I try to find some place else to work, or are there are good reasons to endure where I am for now? Any tips related to this?
I was like that for a while and everything was a struggle until I figured out how to meet more of my social needs and need for respect. They’re fundamental human needs and if they’re not getting met, it’s going to be hard to think about anything else.
It really does sound like your current situation is not ideal in terms of your job and social outlets.
Are you ABSOLUTELY sure that the people you care take will be okay without you for five years? In some cases I know of, people think they’re more needed than they actually are, and they have just latched onto the role of caretaker for psychological self defense.
You need a change of some type in your life man. Staying on the your current path seems like a very bad option.
School sounds like a waste to me given what you’ve said about your experience. PRs to popular open source repos is the way you can gain credibility. After that, it shouldn’t be too hard to beg your way into an internship. And then once you’ve broken in, everything should be relatively easy. Also, it sounds to me like you’ve GOT to figure out your loneliness situation with a change in scenery. Maybe live in Costa Rica for a while at a cheap hostel popular with young tourists? Something.
Good luck man. These are my context less, pretty worthless two cents. You have so much potential! Don’t listen to the doubters inside or outside. But you may need to make some hard decisions.
You'll face 2 problems even if you finish your degree which will make it hard for you to get a job after you finish. 1) Lack of experience. 2) Ageism. Also, after you finish your degree you'll need even more training to get a job. CS teaches you about how information technology works but it doesn't necessarily train you for a job.
if I were you, I would start looking for a new job in an area where you can create a long term career, even if you need to get an entry level job. There are careers that don't need a college degree. Look into those. I would then finish my schooling so I can get promoted.
But first of all, look forward 10 years and determine where you want to be. Create a 10, 5, 2, 1 year plan on how to get there. You'll need help. Go to the nearest community college and get and appointment with a career counselor and start your plan. Also, revisit the plan every 6 months, to make sure you are on the right path.
Don't wait. Start!
Build apps, practice LeetCode, really use your university resources to help you get your first job (things like career fair, internships, referrals).
Also consider expanding your interests into hot in demand skills. Unfortunately, physical hardware retro gaming has way less employers than say a mobile app. The other problem with embedded is that it requires knowledge of hardware as well, which has its own barrier of entry in addition to CS.
You could try working towards that. Just, writing code -- creating a portfolio of your work in a GitHub repository. Volunteering on open source projects (which also doubles as networking). And also, taking classes because you want to learn something -- not because you want the degree. Then you'll actually use what you're learning, and your skills will be fresh if/when an opportunity comes along.
Also: there are, like, 16-week code schools that are free (for a cut of your future salary). People have mixed opinions.
But the point is: once you get your first paid programming job, you have a lot more options, and the rest of your career gets a whole lot easier.
If Target is doing this, I'm guessing others are too.
If there are mental health issues - find help - not everyone even professionals can necessarily help - you may have to try different people, but it can get better.
Whenever there's some kind of discussion about age and programming, there's always some people to pop up to say that they've managed fine, but I definitely haven't managed fine up to this point, so I don't feel encouraged. I don't care if other people exist that could get something out of a degree at my age, I'm concerned about if I could use it, given my situation and problems. Supposedly embedded programming is a bit better about that kind of stuff, but I don't know if it's a big enough difference to matter.
There not a great variety of programming related jobs where I live (I've checked a few times, with most of what I saw being stuff like database work for a hospital, or "I have this idea for an app") so I'd probably have to move.
This is complicated by a few things. I take care of a sibling, who has been pretty unwilling to do anything and has been spending the last decade in bed basically all day, with a constantly rotating sleep schedule. (I used to take care of a parent as well, but that stopped after she went to hospice two years ago.) This wouldn't make it totally impossible to move, but it's still a big ball and chain making things much more difficult.
The house I live in is owned by an absurdly generous and well-off relative, who bought it for us to use because my mom had trouble keeping housing straight after my parents divorced (we kept having to move back in with her parents). Deciding how to handle the house if we leave would be another challenge.
Another problem I have is talking, and that's likely involved in some of my problems.
It's like verbal constipation. There's something that I want to get out, but it takes a lot of pain and effort to make it happen. And when it does come out, it's still shit. When I'm just thinking to myself, my thoughts seem clear, but the moment I try to output them, they get corrupted or something and I keep having to try to reform my sentences until I settle on something usable, which takes time. It feels like whenever the part of my brain that's responsible for serializing my internal thoughts into shareable language, besides just being trash, also interferes with the other operations of my brain when it's active.
With text, I can take the time to eddit and prof red i,t but it takes me a long time to write clearly. I can't spend a couple minutes thinking of how to phrase one sentence when talking. I can write a bit faster if it's something technical, since basic, wooden speech works fine there, but I still spend time double checking what I'm saying is correct, writing and testing sample code, or similar things, so I still wouldn't call it fast. I don't know how I compare to others on that.
I was recently recommended a speech therapist, and tried seeing him for a bit, but he was one of the worst therapists I've seen. It very hard for me to see how meeting someone an hour a week will be enough to make any noticeable change to the course of my life at this point.
Given these issues, I'm worried that if I got the degree, it wouldn't be something that would make any difference in my life considering the other problems I have. But besides the question of whether or not I can use the degree, there's still the problem of actually getting it.