I reported direct to the CEO at a startup and I told him our largest customer had headhunted me, and I assumed I wasn’t special and they’re probably targeting many of us. He asked me what the process was like and what the offer was, and when I told him I didn’t take the initial call hand he shook his head. “You always take the interview. Absolute worst case is you confirm you’re happy where you are. Median case is you confirm your worth and force me to have a difficult conversation where you’ve got the most leverage. Best case is you find a new better thing. But through it all you’re exercising the muscle of interviewing while you’re at the top of your game. People always let it atrophy and then try and rebuild it when they’re at their low point. Frustrated with where they are. Unexcited about the things they’re working on, and unable to fake talking about them in the overly positive ways they need to. Don’t want until a low point to work out what comes next. Always take the interview”.
Any deed done with reward in mind creates an expectation which, if not met, causes suffering. Similarly, you will end up focusing more on the reward than the task itself and will unable to be loyal to the task. The only reason you must do a task is because you must do the task i.e. it's your duty to do so (either self-imposed or originating from a construct you follow).
This is such a conflicting piece of advice that goes against the fundamental reward-driven human biochemistry. But I've found that in following it, you really begin to tune out suffering and start to discover something that's a bit above being human.
Get a hobby, do charity work, find something where you meet and become good friends with multiple women of different ages and backgrounds. Do not ever attempt to date any of these women.
Why? Because most men know woefully few women, and your life will be much richer. A lot of men know very little about the experiences, fears, and hopes of women.
Be there for them. Ask them for advice. Ask them for feedback on your appearance and your personality. Tell them your hopes and fears, and listen to their feedback.
You'll become a much better partner because of it, and your romantic relationships will be far more satisfying.
Something I learned in CBT - while I can trust my mind to return facts I know most of the time, if I'm in a heated moment or excessively stressed out I can start making assumptions of the world (to save time and think faster?) - sometimes these assumptions are wrong.
Basically the therapist taught me to be less like ChatGPT, haha. I can express my assumptions and opinions of course, but I should note (at least to myself) where something I claim is an assumption I've made rather than a fact I know.
This was primarily for my low self-esteem and imposter syndrome feelings, but it works for pretty much everything.
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Side note it turns out actual imposters don't have a mental portfolio of projects to hand that are actually really impressive when listed off in one sitting, haha
"oh yeah I tinkered on a project for a weekend while bored which went on to (indirectly) help raise millions for charity that one time"
If you also suffer from this I'd recommend making a "brag bin" - This is a tub I store complements and success stories that I can later go through when I'm feeling useless. This I adapted from (my systems use individual cards rather than documents) https://jvns.ca/blog/brag-documents/
Before that I was feeling pretty tired of my life, barely played with my little son, was exhasuted in my work as data scientist and my personal relationships with my wife, family and friends were poor. Also I didn't had the energy to pursue my hobbies, was abusing cannabis and alcohol and had poor eating and sleeping habits.
Since I started going to the gym and found this simple beginner routine everything started to feel better. Something changed and feel way better and improving every other aspect of my life.
I started this program, but I think anything similar will help: https://stronglifts.com/
- Steve Jobs' 2005 Stanford Commencement Address
When I played them I saw that he had named each album and track fully. This would have been done by manually choosing each letter using the arrow keys on the remote. It would have taken many hours to do this very tedious task.
When I expressed my amazement and thanks, he shrugged and said something that stuck with me ever since:
"If a job is worth doing, it's worth doing well."
Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.
It's the day-to-day activities of life that are important. Even those great plans you're making, you're going to have to live through it day-by-day. The here and now is the only thing that actually exists.
As for an interesting anecdote, I had an episode where I suddenly and unexpectedly started not feeling well, was thinking I needed to lay down, and then found myself on the floor with my head on a pillow and my feet propped up. I was thinking, yeah, this is what I needed. It slowly dawned on me my wife was on the phone with 911 and was about to start chest compressions just before I came to. I heard sirens in the background and realized they were coming for me. I later learned I had slumped over in my chair.
When the medics arrived I had a very weak pulse and extremely low blood pressure. I have mild hypertension and I thought it rather funny that they were trying to increase my blood pressure en route to the hospital in the ambulance. I was extremely cold, a cold I've never experienced, which is weird because I'm always the one who's hot.
As I was laying on the gurney waiting to be admitted to the ER I had the realization today might be the day I die. I started laughing to myself as I realized nobody ever had "die" on their to-do list for the day. That gave me a deep insight into how optimistic we are - even the terminally ill never think today is going to be THE DAY. It was just an interesting observation on human nature.
Anyway, I'm fine. No blood clots, they checked my heart out and it's fine and I don't have any blockages. They don't know why it happened but I've since discovered others who've had a similar experience and like me, everything checked out fine and they never had any further issues. My own experience was over a year ago and I've had no other issues since.
Anyway, I'll leave you with this quote:
Live every day like it's your last
Because you never know which day will actually be your last. As I discovered regardless of your health condition we're always surprised when the end comes.
Another person is like a mountain: you can’t change anything about the mountain. You can only decide whether you’ll go around it, over it, or turn back.
I learned long ago to stop wasting my energy worrying about what other people did, and to focus on what I could do. Sometimes your actions can influence others, but you can’t make then do anything, they make their own choices and choose their own actions.
2. When I was buying my first bed, I talked with an older salesperson who did a great job helping me find what I was looking for. During our long conversation, he said, “You never know what someone you’re interacting with is going through. Keep that in mind and try not to assume bad intentions.”
3. The less time I spend on the computer/looking at screens/sitting down, and the more time I spend out in the physical world, allowing myself to explore, the more my subjective well-being increases. Similarly, the more time I spend interacting physically with people, the more meaningful, nuanced, and empathy-building interactions I have. I learned this when I quit my first job and spent a week in an hostel in Alaska, and just immersed myself in _life_ for a week.
4. It’s okay to not be productive all the time. I don’t have to side hustle if I don’t want to. Not doing so doesn’t mean I should withhold compassion from myself. Remember, there are other aspects of life outside of work, and in fact, time, relationships, and health are more important than work. I learned this during COVID when I had family in a coma for multiple months.
I'll try an example. If a random stranger comes up and insults me, I might start getting angry, insult him back, even start a fight. If I reflected on it a bit I might see my reaction was based on my own insecurity, my pre-existing belief that some of these insults, whatever they were, were true; or maybe a fear that these words could injure me somehow and I'd need to protect myself.
On the other hand, I can think of a very loving person I know, and if someone started insulting them, they'd be more likely to say, whoa, you poor man, you seem troubled, what's going on?
The point being responding back with anger is not a necessary reaction to this stimulus. And a strong unpleasant reaction, or avoidance, is often rooted in my own self-centeredness (which can be changed).
- do not allow your inbox to manage your time
- Manage, or be managed
- people overpay to have you keep doing what you were already doing before.
- win:wins
- most people do not experience pmf that then warps their thinking into plateaus of mediocrity
- it is mighty difficult to create wealth being an employee. Most mansions, large homes in any neighbourhood belong to business(wo)men
- OC: what looks good from far, maybe far from good
- do not despise boredom. It is the spark that guides souls to their next passion or idea or habit
That's advice I gathered from personal experience and letters I exchanged with a Franciscan monk a few years back.
I believe we often face situations where we would rather be someone else or present traits that are not natural to us (eg to appear more likable). However, any behavior that is not led by who we really are, will inevitably make us like ourselves less. Stay true to yourself, your believes, and what brings you joy.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference."
There’s a lot that can cause you stress and anxiety that is entirely outside of your control and if you can be OK with not being able to control those things, life gets a whole lot happier.
From following his career very early on, he had a few great things that stuck with me.
> Preparation. He got the coveted job as an NFL head coach even though he was just a QB Coach and not even at the offensive coordinator level because he prepared a thick-ass notebook filled with his ideas of how he'd manage the team, scouting reports of players and coaches, lists of plays, and other things he'd do as head coach. This level of preparation and attention to detail greatly impressed the team's ownership.
> Consistency. He always had his way for preparing for a game or building a team and never deviated from it. Despite successes and failures, he'd always stick with pre-scripting the first 15 plays of the game to set a particular tone in the offense, as an example.
> Stoicism. When things were going well, he'd never gloat and get people too overconfident. When things were going bad, he'd never panic. He'd always be a rock out there that would keep people focused and level-headed.
> Egoless. He was willing to take the blame for something in public that wasn't his fault, and then deal with the players behind closed doors. He'd be willing to make self-deprecating jokes to diffuse a tough situation, putting the mission above his ego.
Existence precedes essence.
I first encountered existentialism in HS within the book of “One Day in the life of Ivan D.” If a labor camp prisoner can find meaning and even beauty in those circumstances my HS self had quite a bit of opportunity around him. But it’s also a good entry point to stoicism, too.
Edit-special mention to Long Chen Pa’s “since everything in the universe is perfect in being exactly as it is, having nothing to do with acceptance/reject […] one may well burst out in laughter.” In a writing on Taoism (I think? Been way too long). Edit2-Long Chen Pa must have been writing about Tibetan Buddhism.
Ever since I've been exploring how I'm perceived by others and how I can improve my interactions with other people.
You are responsible for your actions - no one else. "But I did it because...". No. You chose to do it. You are responsible.
Other people are responsible for their actions. Not you.
She was/is right.
Another piece of psychological research. When you did something for a gold star reward, and they took the reward away, people stopped enjoying the activity.
Aka, just do kind deeds for others. Everything will be alright.
Also, do stuff for others, for free, using software. It's a really important part of enjoying your job.
Simplicity matters.
It changed my view at the personal finance, and made some decisions much easier. If I die at the old age, my kids will be in their 40's-60's. My savings won't make a significant impact on their personal finance (assuming all is well; validated over the multiple inheritance splits within my family).
Which means, don't (extensively) save for the retirement, but invest in yourself and your children. Makes spending money for the classes, better schools, moving to the neighborhood with more options, etc. much easier decision to make.
In other words: relax, experiment, take a change on new or weird things, and don;t believe that the thing you're working on right now is super-duper important in the big scheme of things. Consider the size of the Universe (Douglas Adam's style), and remember that any change you make (even if traveling at the speed of light), will still be insignificant for the universe. Use this information not to paralyse you, but gain a sense of unlimited freedom.
You are free.
My first college roommate made this completely off handed comment not too long after we moved in together. We were still strangers. I must have been anxious over some of my dumb crap, god knows what prompted it. But in that one moment everything changed for me, it really did. I had only been moved out of my hoarding parents’ house for a few days and that one remark snapped me out of it forever.
It's a dishonest actor who tries to rush you into a decision.
It really does know more than the rest of you. It takes courage to do it though...not surprising....root word for courage is heart.
Especially in our robotic, conformist society...this is invaluable. Lean into your intuition. Have the courage to speak from your heart, say what you feel, say what's on your mind. Best advice I ever had. When I fail to do that, it's cost me big time.
Also, lesser but still very useful, from my dad, "You might not think you can go the whole way, but you can always put one foot in front of the other."
(Thoughtful comments appreciated with the inevitable downvotes.)
Sounds silly but you'd be amazed just how much truth lies within it.
“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” ― Bob Marley
Pain, uncertainty, and constant work.
Make peace with that and you'll find these are the spices that make life much richer.
I am an overly optimistic person and I was talking about how I believe my career will pan out and develop. They just stopped me and said that I was lying to myself, being way too optimistic, blindly assuming stuff that (relatively surely) would not happen or pan out. They were right. Sometimes you want to believe something so much, even though it has no chance of being true.
Society is messed up. Tech is messed up. But it doesn't matter. You just have to make a positive contribution somehow, anyway.
This is a common idea in Stoicism, Buddhism, Taoism, etc.
Shakespeare famously touched upon this in Hamlet:
> Why, then, 'tis none to you, for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so: to me it is a prison.
The absurdity of life is that much of our suffering is our own doing. That one has to accept this absurdity before you can find peace.
Riffed on it here: https://www.leadingsapiens.com/changing-your-mindset/
do not take internet and media at face value. many lies. half truths or zero truths.
in country where living now, me former political preference. always viewed its politicians favorably. saw problem to be “other” side.
sometime later realized the media i listen to not much different than “other” side. me favored politicians not much better than other side. they all crooks.
intention not to tune out and ignore responsibility to vote in democracy but stop political divide.
It's about baggage and addiction. If you can't remember the last time you had it, then you've truly mastered the 'letting go' part
- "try everything, don't get addicted to anything"
My father said that to me when I was going to college. It took me a few years to understand what it meant.
- "accept reality as it is, not as you believe it to be, nor as you wish it was...then, adapt"
Paraphrasing from memory. I read it in a book about Jack Welch and GE when I was a teenager. Internalising this has helped me stay calm and analytical during tough situations.
I think I learned that from Neil Gaiman. I don't think the source has much relevancy. You almost certainly have all the test materials you need already.
However: Rewards have always required effort, and sometimes a bit of luck.
This changed how i view people completely for good.
Whenever you can, learn a new tech, a new music instrument, practice a new sport, get into new disciplines ... Soon you'll end up with a brother knowledge of things, and meet people you'd never ever thought to dream of.
The thing is, in most fields, you don't need to get very experienced to develop valuable knowledge or skills. But the combined value of knowing these various things will get exponentially more valuable, socially and professionally.
This has guided (and possibly also saved) me numerous times, in terms of both everyday decisions and long-term plans. Great heuristic for a youngster, because it makes every decision one's own. Thanks dad!
Advice: Figure out how to exercise for the sake of exercise
In the past I exercised for a weight loss goal. I’d reach the goal then stop exercising. I spent all of last year experimenting trying to figure out how to be like those people who run in -20C. I wanted to love some type of exercise so much I’d do it in -20C.
I’m now training for a marathon. I look forward to running and get excited about hill training (running up and down a hill at moderate exertion). I find running enjoyable and meditative.
The lessons I learned I apply to other areas of my life. For example, when my brain initially rejects something I know is good for me, I think “not today” and put on my running shoes (ie do the thing).
In the words of Omar Khayyam:
To wisely live your life, you don't need to know much Just remember two main rules for the beginning: You better starve, than eat whatever And better be alone, than with whoever.
Also, I've learned a few things from Jordan Peterson: (1) reframe accurately what someone is telling you when they have a problem, and (2) give someome very specific positive feedback when they do something you like.
Finally, from my mom: don't care what other people think (in the sense of not letting it get in the way of doing something you know is right for you).
And a little bit of advice from myself: less is more. Don't accumulate things, don't go after the latest gadgets. Knowledge is power but too much knowledge (in the factual, scientific sense of knowledge) can take up mental space that would be better for personal development and care for others. And show respect for others AND the whole planet. It is what gave us life, and it's not a resource to use to create mostly irrelevant crap like AI and the latest iPhone.
(It helps to have a good tool to handle the capturing and rearranging of collections of steps for various kinds of work in progress. I use the one I wrote, AGPL; in my profile.)
(Thoughtful comments appreciated with any downvotes; thanks.)
Don't spoil it by making excuses. Make goals instead, and then: attain those goals.
A few days before the trip, I saw a friend of mine, the same age as my parents. During the conversation, I asked him what to do with my date during those 3 days. He replied, "Come up with something."
Isn't that brilliant advice? When we are stuck, we have the option of coming up with something.
I got this advice from strangers on the internet.
I'm not a practicing Buddhist but I find myself significantly less miserable when I take the limits of gratification and the illusions I (and most people) are continually falling prey to into consideration.
(in reality, most people are great, and the asshole are e tiny minority)
Conversely, and this may just apply to me personally, whatever it is, I'm not going to get up earlier in the morning to do it, unless there are serious consequences for not doing it.
Plato
As socio-political views and news sources get more extreme, both ring truer and truer every day.
From the excellent book Too Soon Old, Too Late Wise.
So therefore, the goal is the advice.
No matter if models or shop assistants / some women will make fun of you / treat them all like princesses / and you will be a king
* change out rich for wealth or whatever major thing you are currently focused on.
That has saved me so much pain and time.
So far so good, every day is the best damn day of my life!
Its pointless to waste your time and energy for them.
What are they?
You decide.
-> 1. Advice I have received: Only Constant in Life Is Change
“When you are finished changing, you are finished”. - Benjamin Franklin
“Heraclitus, I believe, says that all things pass and nothing stays, and comparing existing things to the flow of a river, he says you could not step twice into the same river.” – Plato
-> 2. My advice: Get to know yourself, but be honest with yourself!
Over the years, I have listened to podcasts and read numerous books about individuals who have achieved "success" by definition and trying to understand what got them there.
Then general topics such as happiness, peak performance, personal development, introspection, ego, endurance, motivation etc etc etc.
Combining my own experience (happiness, sadness, success, failure, disappointment ... n emotions) + Insight into other people's experience.
...
Listening to a motivational speech or being enlightened by everyone else's advice will feel good in the short term (hour, day, week) as a great hit of dopamine while imagining yourself being {productive, organized, admired, respected, X, Y, Z}. However some advice/motivation will hit home harder than others / last longer or shorter depending on who you are as a person.
In my view, to maximize advice of others. Begin to really understand yourself and acknowledge every shortcoming and celebrate your virtues.
TLDR;
Only Constant in Life Is Change, Know yourself well to flexibly change with life as it changes.
You can test that advice here and now, first with your own apparent belief that advice can somehow be tested to be factually true, secondly by applying it to all of these comments.
Yes, I quoted myself.