Has anyone been able to cognitively recover?
- developing a regular aerobic exercise routine. Starting my day with a walk or run makes such a difference, I feel like a different person after I exercise
- reducing/cutting out substances. I love cannabis but I recognize that it exacerbates my ADHD symptoms, reduces my desire to connect socially and reduces my cognitive ability. Alcohol disturbs my sleep as well. If I don't keep tight limits on my consumption and take long breaks between use, my mental health declines significantly
- find a constructive activity that you love to do. I've fallen in love with painting. It gets me off the screens and relaxes me while giving me a sense of personal accomplishment and growth. It gives me space to appreciate myself and cultivate self-compassion and love. Don't try to make it a side hustle, just something that you enjoy and helps you unwind
- practicing a self-care/personal space cleaning routine. I still struggle with this and by no means keep a 100% clean house all the time. But I know that no matter how bad I'm feeling, I always feel a little better after cleaning. If I'm having a really bad day, I try to clean at least one room in my house (and once I do one, I usually feel motivated enough to do more)
- psychiatric drugs have not worked for me personally, but that certainly doesn't mean they won't work for you. The key to recovery is making them a part of a larger commitment to your overall health. You cannot simply take a drug and ignore the other aspects of your life. Americans have been conditioned to think that a pill solves everything, but this could not be further from the truth
> Talk therapy has done little.
I honestly don't think recovery from trauma can be achieved without psychotherapy. You can cover it up, but it's still going to impact your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to some degree. You might get lucky with things like psychedelics, but finding the right therapist and right therapy will bring about change more consistently.
The challenge, however, is that there are many styles of therapy and many styles of therapists. Also, there are different types of trauma (eg. shock trauma, complex trauma, attachment trauma) that require different approaches to treatment. I was lucky in that I found a therapy and therapist that worked for me in my first try. My partner, however, went through 7 therapists over the course of a few years before they found a good fit. Any decent therapist will not be offended if you tell them you feel therapy is not going anywhere, in fact it's in their code of ethics that they need to help you find a better fit.
What works for me isn't going to work for you, but here's my opinion (that you didn't ask for) on therapies that are better at treating trauma than CBT or "traditional" talk therapy: Internal Family Systems therapy, EMDR, the NeuroAffective Relational Model, and Somatic Experiencing / Sensorimotor. AEDP and Coherence Therapy are also decent options. If CBT is all that's available, at least try to find TF-CBT (trauma-focused).
Slowly you'll realize what's important, you'll find yourself. And you'll come back stronger than ever, with a different attitude towards careers, jobs and you'll learn to be human and just BE.
EDIT: YMMV, Not advocating for social isolation and complacency
Switching to a keto diet (under 20 net carbs a day) had an immediate and lasting effect on my mental acuity, mental health, energy levels, and overall wellness. I had persistent brain-fog stemming from stress, overwork, bad health habits, and a case of Mumps which left me feeling like a shadow of my former self.
Within 36 hours of changing the way I ate, I felt like I was finally back to myself. I had my quick wit, energy to dig into problems, and a desire to move and do things instead of rest, eat, and wallow.
I'm happy to talk more about it if you're interested, but I'll keep this brief and simply say that trying a 3 day experiment where you keep net carbs (carbs minus fiber) under 20 per day may have a dramatic effect and give you the energy to begin to address other root causes.
However, after 3-5 years, my capacity for critical thinking basically returned to normal. To this day, my working memory still seems worse, but it's unclear whether that's simply because my days are now filled with crazy amounts of multitasking.
All said, the major effects you're describing subsided after a few years for me. I did some talk therapy, and I also spent a good amount of time redesigning my personal values to not include extrinsic variables (such as being intelligent).
The biggest thing I did was just waiting for my body to recover. Be patient and if you're anxious about the time it's taking, then spend some time realigning your values to your reality, which will help relieve your anxiety.
I'd also joined the company softball team, and I noticed that on the nights where I got back from playing softball after work, it was almost effortless to roll up my sleeves and start on my homework.
It's sometimes difficult to pause an overdue/critical task to go take a 30-45 minute walk, because it just seems like wasting _more_ time. But I've found that after a walk or some kind of exercise break, I often become "un-stuck" on a task that I was bogged down or procrastinating on.
I will say that as a pretty practical, science-minded person, I generally don't get into stuff that seems like woo pseudo-science. But years back I had an agreement with a neurofeedback practitioner (eeg biofeedback) to accept free treatment in exchange for giving her a journal of my experience. And I still believe it helped me quite a bit. It might be some of the same benefits of meditation, but I had never successfully been able to meditate before doing that.
Other than that, I've only got the same probably-trite-sounding drink plenty of water, get lots of sleep, try to keep up your physical activity levels... drink amino acid shakes...
Best of luck to you.
A lot of trauma is internalization. You blame yourself. It's made to be your fault. You're told you're a terrible person. Get mad about what happened to you. Anger is your tool for being pissed off and asserting your boundaries.
https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/05/31/the-importance-of-ang...
This advice can feel trite, or it can feel overwhelming. Changing physical habits when you're already depressed is a huge undertaking, and I don't want to minimize it. However, my revelation has been the mind truly is not separate from the body, and taking care of myself by running, lifting weights, falling asleep at the same time has had largely outsized benefits vs any medication or therapy I've tried in the past.
After reading that material, I sought out a neurofeedback practitioner who works in the style that Fisher and van der Kolk recommend. I've found it helpful and recommended it to family and friends. Several have reported cognitive improvement, including one who said that her "brain fog" was gone.
I've looked into the research literature on neurofeedback and it's unfortunately rather poor, but there are some interesting recent results in the work of Ruth Lanius. My own feeling, FWIW, is that neurofeedback+psychotherapy is able to reach levels of the nervous system that talk therapies alone cannot, because many effects of trauma are encoded in nonverbal parts of the brain.
There are many products out there that use the name "neurofeedback", but if you contact the company the makes the system that Sebern Fisher works with, they will send you a list of practitioners in your area. The recommended approach is to find a psychotherapist who incorporates neurofeedback into their practice. There aren't many of those, but there are some, and in my experience it makes a big difference, so big that it becomes a puzzle why this practice is still so little known.
Whatever you end up trying, please don't give up. It can take a long while to find something that works for you. My experience was that most therapies I tried just didn't go deep enough, and my problems would "snap back" into place no matter what happened in the sessions. It was frustrating. What's different about neurofeedback, in my experience, is that it's able to "talk" directly to the brain in a way that is uncorrelated with the rest of what therapists do. I'm not saying it's for everybody, but it's worth a try if nothing else has helped.
Surrender to life. Read The Surrender Experiment.
Stop following your preferences and follow your pain in order to rewire.
Learn how to lead with your heart. It’s infinitely more wise than your mind. The mind thinks, the heart knows.
I'm at least hopeful that there is going to be a better treatment for me that doesn't involve invasive, prospective brain surgery. That's my way of staying positive.
I also started microdosing mushrooms a year ago. I know you said you tried psychedelics, but I don't know if you've tried microdosing; Before I tried it, I always thought it was ridiculous and kind of an abuse/waste of psychedelics. But I like to say that the mushrooms are teaching my brain how to feel good: Maybe they repair connections in the brain or whatever, but I just needed to kick-start having a good day, so my brain could have an example of how that works.
Another major step was finding a new community...My experience is that when you're depressed, people come to expect it from you. Even if you're in a particularly good mood one day, your friends and family will kind of prompt you to act depressed. They do it out of love, probably, but it makes it that much harder to break the pattern.
One more piece, which may or may not be appropriate for you, is utilizing sex workers. Having trauma and pain, it was always a shitty experience for me to seek physical comfort. If you aren't ashamed of it, paying for affection can be a great way to meet your needs in a simple, non-judgemental way that's less emotionally and physically draining.
Try one small step at a time and keep a journal to see what works and what doesn't; experiment and A/B test yourself. Keep these things as values on a scale of 1 to 10 and grade yourself at the end of each day, try something like shower in the morning and take a run, eat healthier, don't drink, whatever & score it. See what helps. Do that more often and try something else.
I had one that was a huge waste of time and money for about 3 months and wrote the whole thing off
I started up again a few months ago with a therapist that specializes more in trauma/family issues and it’s been invaluable
1. The Mind Illuminated for Meditation 2. Feeling Good book for therapy 3. Your local gym for exercise
It will take some time but it will work.
I experienced a severe 4 month PTSD event in 2019 pre-covid (covid later didn't help), plus 1.5 years of related issues, the psychological side effect of constant depressing stress that couldn't be escaped resulted in physical problems - twitches, verbal stuttering, indecisiveness, emotional swings and regular memory loss (both short term and of the event).
Around the end of 2021 as I recovered I found I had the ability to learn like really, really easily, I did 3 IT certifications in 3 months, MS, Google and an AWS cram, got noticed at work for higher achievement in solving issues there too - winning a hackathon and receiving an unrelated pay rise - it felt like no boundaries and I put this down to the fog lifting. I was still a little unhappy behind the scenes despite this, but by 2022 I felt 95% recovered (I doubt I'll be 100%" as I'm a different person now as a consequence).
Sadly the ability and urge to achieve like in 2021 went away - a window in total of around 6 months I was able to run at this "higher level" without much effort.
Articles on PTG say extroverts are more likely to experience it - I'm introverted but can socialise when challenged or feel like putting in effort (but prefer not to and avoid presentations etc.), so don't get disheartened if you think you may not have the personality for it, just remember to watch out in case it does and take full advantage :)
Extra info: Did 2 sessions a week with a psychiatrist for months - talking - not EMDR or CBT as they weren't as effective* - usually ended up in tears every time and over running - I rarely cried at all up to 2019, and flat out refused to take drugs the doctor suggested because they affect concentration and I didn't want to dull my ability more than it was already.
* They were, but I didn't want to go down that route as one session made me experience a load of events I'd forgotten details of, to the degree it was like hypnosis, I could see more, hear new noises and almost feel the cold touch of things in the memories almost like I was asleep. That was expected but I wasn't warned of it properly.
1) Figure out the type of person who caused the trauma
2) Learn their psychology/world view (there are books on abusive personalities)
3) Learn to recognise them quickly
4) Have a plan to deal with them
5) Profit (you'll always have the upper hand)
By doing this you take away their ability to do anything. For some types this riles them up, which can be advantageous in eliminating the threat but also dangerous. You can plan for this.
Good luck.
In about 2 weeks, I noticed my short-term memory had improved.
Just like you describe, I was on a rapid decline: major fatigue, fog, indecisiveness, blanking, low confidence, poor social interaction, etc. I tried picking myself up, but it was always short lived: taking a break from work, meditation, exercise routines, self help, etc. The moment a bit of pressure came back at work, I’d crumble.
I have been operating in this ‘limp mode’ for about 3 years - doing what I can to help keep my business afloat (and vice-versa).
After a massive burnout episode (thanks covid), I sought help: antidepressants, counselling, and eventually a bipolar diagnosis (which I guess explains the preceding destructive burnout pattern).
Resent started creeping in - I used to be creative and energetic, and eager to solve problems. Now I felt like an imposter in the business I created; redundant and useless. People started treating me like a basket case - telling me “not to worry about doing this”, or “we can take care of that”. I don’t blame them.
The bipolar medication didn’t really help - a band-aid at best. It flattened by highs and kept me out of most deep lows. I was essentially told this is how it’d be for the rest of my life: on pills, treading carefully, avoiding stress, and accepting my new mundane existence.
I haven’t even mentioned the effect all this has had on my family. My son was born the day I quit my job to startup. All he’s ever know is an irritable and mostly depressed dad. I’m so fortunate that my partner is resilient and held us all together over the years.
Anyway, that’s the context to how I ended up in a similar situation to you. Never underestimate the seemingly permanent and cumulative damage to your mental health and personality as a result of sustained stress, burnout, and depression.
Recently I have been going down various rabbit holes looking for possible ways out of this hell. The most recent one, and by far the most effective, has been (would you believe) diet.
During my period of resent/bitterness, I began to abuse and self sabotage. Over eating, poor diet, alcohol, vaping, actively suppressing desire for exercise, activity, and social interaction. I was sapped of all motivation and energy: Working part time, sleeping in the early afternoon, useless around home.
One evening after excessive drinking and binge eating on fast food, I could see the downward spiral I was on - and it felt like I was getting close to some horrible low: hatred and destructive behaviour.
I am lucky to have a couple of good drinking buddies (who both facilitated my bad health, but also well and truly understood the challenges of mental health). One of them shared a podcast episode by Tim Ferris [https://tim.blog/2022/11/12/chris-palmer-transcript/amp/].
Often in times of heavy fatigue and fog, I’d think “this is way more a physical condition than it is a mental one: what if one is feeding into the other?” Not a new idea, but after listening to this podcast, a two key things resonated:
1) If I could get my energy levels up through some mitochondria / metabolic hack, I could function and begin to get other parts of my life back in order, thus starting a positive feedback loop.
2) Specific to me, and maybe others - the interview mentioned that a keto style diet was used to treat kids with epilepsy. My primary bipolar medication was developed for epilepsy, and the interview references some bipolar studies.
I can report that the keto diet I have prescribed myself is working exceptionally well. 36g of carbs. My energy has improved dramatically - I function fully from 6am-11pm with no fatigue; I almost have my former mental clarity and cognition restored.
With increased energy, I’m waay more physically active, and more likely to exercise. This helps improve my mood, and the positive feedback loop is reinforced. I literally feel a force compelling me to move forward - I have not had that for years.
My experience and current situation could be miles apart from yours, but I believe the key is to find something to break the cycle: slot ut in and create positive feedback loop, that begins to spin up a flywheel. This will allow you to rediscover more things that get the wheel spinning faster and make it harder to slow it down when adversity arrives. (Flywheel analogy from some other podcast, credit to whoever that was).
My chain breaker has been to take carbohydrates out of my diet, and use ketosis as an alternative metabolic state that has given me the energy to sort my shit out. It’s early days, and hey things could turn sour - but I’ve had a taste of my previous normality that I had nearly forgotten, and this puts it within arms reach again.
Hang in there, and do your best to step out of the gloom and take a good look from above to where you could make a small positive intervention that might put you on your path towards your break.
PS: Check with your doctor before making any significant dietary changes.
Good luck and I wish you the best.
20 years ago, had a highly profitable, sustainable business, with a sociopathic co-founder. Stole my money, my ideas, my contributions, my customers, and my reputation in the community. There were credible threats of violence. Fought and lost, over a period of years. Ostracized and shunned. A nightmare.
Started over, from scratch, in a solo venture. Optimistic. But the first random adversity just knocked me cold. My body physically refused to approach the work, answer the phone, or open email. I had just enough energy left, to hand off the existing customers to a colleague. Then I just collapsed. A violent physiological reaction to years of gutting through on willpower.
And that was that, for my high-powered career. Brain non-functioning. Give-a-d*mn, permanently busted. Felt like I lost 50 IQ points. Didn't care.
Over the next 10 years or so, I rebuilt most functions. Re-learned how to sleep, eat, exercise, self-regulate, make friends, build a community, pay bills, keep the house running.
But ... those basic life tasks took all my energy. I couldn't work. Couldn't earn money. My brain, seriously, did not function. Like Shortcake27 said, at least I wasn't letting anyone down. And I would have.
I lived frugally, slowly used up my IRA at a 10% penalty, and tried to figure out what to do. I didn't even have a name for what my problem was.
Long story short(er), 3 years ago, I began working with a Stanford-trained PhD trauma therapist. I'd been "trying to work" for years, to re-launch my business. But I kept doing the same tasks over and over, and forgetting I'd done them. That was the issue that brought me to therapy, along with going broke.
I'm now successfully re-launching the business. My cognition, memory, and work capacity have returned full throttle. It's an amazing feeling. Here's what I've learned.
(1) YES to what everyone else said, about restoring physical health. Sleep, nutrition, exercise, fresh air, regular schedule. Trauma lives in the body. Fixing it starts with caring for the physical body.
(2) No healing will begin, without ensuring PRESENT-DAY safety, emotional and physical. You can't fix past damage, if your body's still incurring present damage. Your body knows, what's safe and what isn't. If there's still some low-level abuse or disrespect kicking around in your life, progress will be hard.
This is challenging. It might mean letting go of some relationships that are comfortable but unhealthy. And then just keeping that space open for yourself, without letting other dramas rush in to fill the void. This was the hardest thing I had to do.
(3) Respect the body's instinct to self-isolate after trauma. Being alone is SAFE. Obviously it's not a long-term solution. But it can definitely be a great short-term solution. It lets the body return to homeostasis, on an animal level.
(4) Have faith that your cognition and mental function can rebuild themselves. I didn't. But my therapist did.
(5) Since trauma lives in the body, it's no different than a broken bone that wasn't set properly. The body's reactions to it are NORMAL, not shameful or weird. If your leg bone's not set right, you won't be able to walk. There's nothing wrong with that. It just IS. It needs surgical re-alignment. Same thing with your cognition. It works just fine when properly treated.
Anyway hope this helps. It would have given encouragement to my past self, to see a story like this. :)
Edited to say, I'm cheering for you, and for all on this thread in a similar situation.