Context: Grew up (very) poor, but in a loving family. I’ve been a programmer since I was a kid, went to a top3 CS school, worked at banks, large tech companies, and in the intelligence community for a few years. I founded a company, raised, ran it for about a decade, and sold it just before the pandemic (good timing).
The acquirer was a shitshow, and the two years I was there was a massive mess, especially during the pandemic. The transition from in-office work to remote work was also hard, as I’m definitely an extrovert and missed… people. Granted, remote isn’t the same as “forced to stay home and everything is closed due to the pandemic” but still.
So now it’s been a year since I left the acquirer, and I feel … lost. I was definitely burnt out both by the startup (cofounder issues) and by the acquirer (see earlier description of it being a poorly run shitshow), but I find myself passionless and sad.
I have an incredible wife, great home, etc., and generally am happy with life most of the time, but I’m having really bad trouble figuring out what I want to do, even though seemingly every option is available - starting something, finding a job, etc. I’ve spent this year getting married and then traveling, which was fantastic, and I definitely feel less burnt out - but how do you get to the point where you find a passion again?
Is this something anyone else has faced? It feels hard to talk about with friends because it can come off as bragging; financially, I’m well set, and I love my family / relationship and my friends, so it almost feels unfair for me to be passionless and lacking the desire to do… anything.
How do I get back to who I was, in terms of feeling driven to solve problems and make impact? I feel like I’ve lost who I once was and don’t know how to get it back.
Open to any and all advice, and happy holidays. Thanks for reading my missive. <3
Don’t try. Just do what interests you until it doesn’t anymore. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Still you've got to start building the next phase and it can be hard, both because what you want has evolved, and because what you want no longer is the only objective to take into account: the wife and maybe kids also have a voice, directly or indirectly as an impact on your own priorities.
This is a complex, ongoing challenge that won't be solved by one, or a hundred, HN comments. So the most important thing is to start and maintain discussions about it, with yourself (set aside quiet times, start a journal...), and with your wife, and with trusted friends/family, and probably indeed with a therapist - don't be shy about shopping around until you find one you gel with.
Volunteering or working in a job with an altruistic impact can be it for some. Or more professional / financial progression. Or free time for family / hobbies. Or a relaxed work atmosphere (or on the contrary stress)... If you feel stressed/depressed, a pet is both a relaxing distraction and an unconditional source of love (esp. dogs birds and horses, cats are iffy !).
Don't be afraid of a temporary void, but don't wallow in it either.
This is an interesting statement. I feel the same, but I wonder how much of the optimism and motivation I had in my 20s was unfounded and naive, stemming from a lack of experience. Having seen stuff play out multiple cycles has made me more pessimistic (realistic?) This makes it harder to become motivated, at least about technology. I guess that's a good thing to some extent, but it's also sad that I can't go back to that old naive self who blissfully worked on stuff without questioning. I think you need to deal with the fact that you can't go back to that old self because you have more knowledge that inhibits the naive optimism.
Maybe try something other than technology? How about working out? Playing an instrument? Art?
I've almost by accident arranged to start a part time research / academic role (PhD student) in January. I can also manage financally. This work will help fix an urgent practical problem in my country and wider.
Am I burning with passion and leaping out of bed each morning? Not yet.
If I took a wrong turn here would it be disaster to change my mind? No.
Give it time. We're both making a big change after many years and I think that amongst other things the supertanker in our heads takes time to change course. It may not be enough, but I think time is necessary.
(Feel free to drop me an email - see my home page - if you wish.)
Why do you think going back to who you were is good? You are a very different person in very different circumstances. Perhaps focusing on who you are right now and not chasing the person you used to be would give you some inner peace.
If I were you I would learn about art, move to a different country, and learn a new language. Just enjoy the open world, devs made a pretty good job creating it.
Personally, I've observed a lot of people here at HN invest a significant portion of their lives and significance into their careers and companies they found. But then -- a story similar to yours, their career or company is taken from them, and an existential crisis hits.
Speaking as Christian and an engineer -- Paul made tents for a living, but Paul did not live to make tents. Paul lived to share the gospel, something of eternal significance. I've found, as he has, that this investment is far more worthwhile than anything else I've ever done with engineering. I hope I won't lose my job any time soon. But even if I do, it's not my life's work. The book of Ecclesiastes is a magnificent read in this regard.
Congratulations on your wedding, and sale of your business! I'm sorry to hear the acquisition didn't go as well as it should have. Hoping the best for you in 2023, my DMs are open on Twitter if you want to chat!
Also, make peace with the fact you won't be able to get a drive similar to your youth due to the amount of responsibilities you have now. I've accepted that, and you're likely financially better off than me.
It's been a nice way to get some space and figure out what I actually want
Don't look inside yourself, trying to get the passion going. Look outside yourself for something that you care about enough to pour your heart into. (You don't have to feel that way about it on day one. But look for something that could at least grow into that.)
Many have walked the same road and many plunge into the abyss of despair. For many others, including myself, it's a landmark or the continual scenery.
For me, I don't believe there was a way back. I think it made me a different person. It was and is great, but I am lonelier than ever despite being surrounded by wonderful friends and family. And that is probably for the best. Lonely is probably not the right word for it.
Feel free to email me, happy to chat it through.
While others have given good suggestions to find the next mountain, it will lead you to the same non-passion plateau. It seems that you want a permanent fix rather than a temporary distraction.
As you are seeking out advice from different parties, I feel it necessary to share my unique input. I do not view it better than what others have stated, nor will I be offended if you go a different route. However, this strategy has helped this introverted person find a passion and purpose (even in regular, public speaking). Even the mere thought of what I am about to write is astoundingly simple that I step back and think, is it really all that simple?
Presume God is true.
There are so many voices that say the opposite. Even now there are thoughts of rebuttal from future commenters. Still, when I presume God is true, that unlocks the following logic flow:
God is true. The Bible states it comes from God. If God gave the Bible, then what is contained therein will work when it speaks of human fulfilment. Human fulfilment is written about in the Bible. (Hebrews 11:6, 2 Timothy 2:4, Ecclesiastes 12:13-14)
dhamma dot org
I am not well off. I don’t really “have time” to help people. But I do it because if I don’t the alternative is depression. If I am depressed I can’t work.
2/ see a therapist / psychologist / coach. it is amazing what a difference having someone to talk to can do to help reframe perspective
3/ find/start/rekindle a hobby that interests you and you kinda suck at. go deep down the rabbit hole and enjoy the experience of improving at it quickly
4/ invest in your mind; hope this doesn't come across as hippy-woo-woo but yoga and meditation. Sam Harris' app "Waking Up" goes deep on theory & practice. Yoga is such a fun/challenging form of exerise. Sounds like you can afford an at-home instructor :)
5/ journal! getting thoughts out of your mind onto paper helps to work through thoughts & feelings. a useful prompt a) how am I feeling? b) how do i want to feel? c) what will it take to get there. keep iterating on this (both in micro sense of day-to-day, and macro of finding your next passion.
Good luck <3
I'm not unfamiliar with this feeling, actually. I've had occasional stints of depression and one of the biggest hallmarks of feeling depressed is a total lack of meaning. Nothing seems interesting. Every idea I come up with feels shallow and lame, or feels like it won't make a difference in the way that I want. If I can actually come up with any ideas at all. You mention a lack of passion as well, but I feel that they kinda feed off each other - finding meaning means finding passion, finding passion means finding meaning, etc.
I say that two emphasize two things.
First, I don't believe your current state of meaningless-ness is permanent. Nor is it impossible to control. It is illusory, and if you work on the root cause, then you will find that you can in fact control how meaningful you find things. Meaningless-ness will fade away. So how do you do that?
Well, second, I suspect you might be mildly depressed. This is not actually too surprising to me, though I can imagine it would be surprising to you since you illustrated a lot in your post about how outwardly good your life looks. It does look good from the outside! But really there is a good deal of change and upheaval there, and it wouldn't surprise me at all if it took you some time to process it.
I would encourage you to go talk to a good therapist. You sound exactly how I sound when I get mildly depressed, and, to put it mildly, therapy is awesome. It's made a big difference in my life. If you are already seeing a therapist, perhaps it's time to switch it up?
Therapy is the high order bit towards resolving this, but there are a number of other smaller hacks you can do. Start an exercise routine (if you don't have one). Spend time with people you care about and who like you (if you aren't already) - I know the pandemic certainly wreaked havoc with my social calendar. Walk outside in nature. There are many more things you might like as well. In my case, it was often unclear to me which activities I actually liked, and it was useful to do things and then study how I felt afterward, to see if I actually liked them or if I was just telling myself I did. (I found out a lot of surprising things this way, like I didn't like some friends, but I was undervaluing others, for instance. I also found that I really liked going outside, even though I never realized this was the case before!)
Anyways, hopefully that helps a bit.