I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me

It might take a few attempts, but I would try to find a good therapist and work with them to figure out this state-of-being and how you can change or augment it in a way that both meets your desire to spend time alone and to resolve your loneliness. For example, maybe you need to find a specific type of life partner who also needs lots of time alone (e.g. an artist with a studio). Then you could potentially continue having stretches of alone time but with companionship during times you and your partner don't want to be alone.

You will love others how you love yourself and conversely, how you love others is how you love yourself.

I would strongly encourage you to give freely to someone what you wish to receive.

Intellectual loneliness is the equivalent of I skipped leg day at the gym, not the badge of honor some make it to be. If you don't know why someone isn't intellectually on your level, unearth why. You will discover every human on this planet has the deepest depths of any other with varying degrees of access.

If all that sounds too unstructured, I would highly recommend reading Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. And specifically, if you're looking for companionship, Love Does by Bob Goff.

From someone who has already reached heights in Silicon Valley, found a wonderful spouse, and now has a kid after turning 30 these are some things that helped me through what you're sharing here. I wish you the best on your journey

Consider reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, by Lindsay Gibson. The loneliness you feel may be rooted in your upbringing, and learning more about this can give you a deeper way to understand your feelings.

Meanwhile, as others have said, spend time with a competent therapist. You may need to shop around until you find someone that works well for you. They will guide you on how to socialize and form new relationships.

Is it possible that you realize you're most comfortable being alone, but the external signals you receive, and have accepted as truth, say that's not ok?

> I truly can not handle it anymore…

You don't really say what "it" is. What is it about being alone that you can't handle?

I think if you could try to put into words the bad feelings being alone is causing you, you might have a better handle on where to go.

You mention "saudade". Wikipedia explains it like this:

> Saudade is a deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for something or someone that one cares for, or loves. Moreover, it often carries a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might never be had again.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saudade

It seems that's a world view locked on the rear-view mirror. It doesn't seem to track with your first paragraph or title, which is about seeking solitude but not being at ease with it. Did you at one time spend more time around other people?

> How do you deal with it?

Wanting to spend a lot (even most) time alone is perfectly ok. There's a wide range of needs for being with other people. If the discord is due to external perceptions, then disregard them. But if there's something else to it, say self-destructive tendencies, you may need someone to talk about it with with.

The great Britney Spears once said…

“Lost in an image, in a dream But there's no one there to wake her up And the world is spinning, and she keeps on winning But tell me, what happens when it stops?”

Here, she completely sees the delusion of identity and the larger material world of delusion. Her only mistake is assuming it will stop when in reality the wheel of time has no beginning and only a theoretical end when all beings no longer experience it(time).

I love eating chocolate, but there's a limit to how much chocolate I can eat.

Maybe you love being alone, but there's a limit to how much you can be alone?

I spent 2-3 years alone, I alienated my friends and pursued my interests, spent 1/3 of my spare time playing CSGO, 1/3 of the time crafting music, and 1/3 of the time writing software and coming up with ideas for startups and web projects. Other than work, I was truly isolated.

Half of me was completely content with the fact that I had my own space, my solitude, my quiet space, my time. I was in control. Yet, after years of this, heck... even after months of this, something starts ticking in your brain... that feeling that you are missing out on things.

Since then I managed to connect with people, through gaming, but later on in real life, that became a huge part of who I am. I also opened up to coworkers, and even though anxiety and depression can be a massive burden and make it really hard to "open up", I fought through it, through the panic attacks and everything, and now I feel like I'm finally starting to appreciate company.

Yet, I love being alone. I love creating, I love my space, and I love being in control of my time, as it is finite, and we can control how to spend it... But it feel nice to let other people into that time, and also to give some of it up to spend time with others; we are all humans with a million thoughts and a million things troubling us and pulling us in all sorts of directions...

That said, I think solitude has massive benefits as well; over time it allows you to read yourself, which in turn helps you to read others. To discover how your mind ticks is to discover how we all differ, and social clues notwithstanding, it does help progress towards a more social behavior.

Solitude as well as companionship both are indispensable in the long term; the key is to balance both. One time I went to a hotel next to a waterfall in northern Mexico for 3 days without a mobile phone... it was bliss. Yet at the same time I recall festivals with friends, barbecues, and gaming nights with the same fondness.

All it takes is time and thoughtfulness.

Hi. I'm 39.

I feel the same way. Whenever I plan for activities, I plan to do them alone. Even my equipment reflects that. I bought a kayak instead of a boat. I took the foot pegs off my motorcycle, which I ride alone. I'm thinking of building a small cabin to live in. I go on poker trips alone. I moved to Costa Rica alone. I did remote work with no pairing.

I don't feel too lonely, but I do occasionally. It comes in waves. Don't get me wrong, though, I get out to a lot of events. I spend the majority of my days totally alone with my dog, but I spend many days around lots of people (I own a homestead, and a bar--two wildly different atmospheres).

That keeps me...whatever. Sane, okay, socially fulfilled.

People like me, I could be more social. But this is my level, I don't know. If I add to it, my life feels worse.

I do want to say that I really enjoy my life. It's not normal in many ways, but I'm actually quite happy. But it wasn't always. I've been very lonely in the past, living in this same place. I think a big realization was realizing that this is normal. This is the human experience. Loneliness is part of our programming. We're intended to live together. Those of us who choose to go alone are going to have to battle emotions and situations like this. And it's okay. I usually acknowledge it and then go do whatever the fuck I want to do, because I don't have anyone to answer to. And because I chose it, and continue to choose it.

My advice is to embrace it, and be your own best friend. Or abandon it, and go find your people.

You made the correct first step, talk about it.

Look for some virtual therapist (I'm from buenos Aires, the city with more therapists in the world per capita) they are very good and cheap (if you live in some first world country) because we are a very poor country. Therapy for us is very common. Look for some, many are working overseas.

Talk with your family about that, try to do some exercises, it will improve your mental health.

You can be alone without feel loniless.

Read stoic philosophy. It’s a real cheer.

http://classics.mit.edu/Epictetus/epicench.html

For instance: “With regard to whatever objects give you delight, are useful, or are deeply loved, remember to tell yourself of what general nature they are, beginning from the most insignificant things. If, for example, you are fond of a specific ceramic cup, remind yourself that it is only ceramic cups in general of which you are fond. Then, if it breaks, you will not be disturbed. If you kiss your child, or your wife, say that you only kiss things which are human, and thus you will not be disturbed if either of them dies.”

Right-o!

Perhaps 'loving to be alone' is a wrong self-representation?

Perhaps try 'loving not to be alone' as a self-image for a month and see how that feels.

being around people takes effort. It is easy to get used to that lack of effort and mistake it for "loving to be alone".

For the last two years I worked from my bed and would mostly be in bed all day. I train brazilian jiu jitsu so do leave the house for that. Im also married with 3 kids so I leave the house when they make me. It is easy to not expend energy and just stay home, laying in bed all day. During covid I could easily not leave the house for a week. For me that was living my best life.

About 2 weeks ago I started working sitting at my home office desk. It was actually hard at first, but over the course of a week I got used to sitting up again. Going out to develop relationships is the same way. It might be exhausting at first, but it gets easier the more you do it.

The easiest way to not be alone is to start a hobby that is with other people. I have never participated in one where people didnt start hanging out together. It will be at your pace and you can show up or not show up whenever you want.

I personally do sports, but it could be volunteer work, board games, coding clubs, etc.

This resonantes. Thanks for posting, and the upvotes everyone else. I've done a lot of work with these feelings, can't say I've found the answer, but it's definitely been worth the effort. To anybody, if you find any of my online presence resonates, I'm approachable.

I find refuge and solace in reading books written by those I consider my intellectual peers. Preferably older books as I believe standards have since dropped precipitously. There have been sufficient intelligent people who have written a sufficient number of books that I expect to be able keep my curiosity satiated for many decades.

It would be near impossible for me to meet such people in day to day life. As I found what I’m looking for in books I no longer try to elicit thoughtful engagement from those around me, much to the relief of all involved.

For some introverts, at least for myself, they are so inclined to do things by themselves they don't realize they are hungry for social interaction. I knew of a person who had a brain tumor removed and they lost their sense of hunger. They had to remind themselves to eat.

For me, what helps a lot is some sort of habitual or scheduled interaction. Like a weekly thing. That way the decision making process isn't, "do I feel like setting something up with someone else" but just going.

Start going into therapy? Strangers on the Internet are not going to help you much.

I think I can relate to what you are describing. I absolutely love solitude, making my own plans, indulging in my own hobbies by myself. But sometimes, I get the feeling that I want some kind of connection. I want to go to a movie, or brunch with friends, or a concert or something. When it comes to actually making those plans, though, I have to drag myself out the door to follow through and not cancel because in the moment I really feel like I'd rather just make a coffee and do some reading. But if I do make myself go out there, I rarely regret it.

In the moment that I am choosing to be alone, I feel relief. But the feeling of regret often comes after it's too late to rectify the missed opportunity: "I could have spent this day playing board games with some new people and instead I sat around my house."

I don't know how to fix it other than persevering and _forcing_ myself to make plans that involve other people rather than falling back to the easy thing that comes intuitively to me: being by myself.

Sorry to hear about your situation. Try activities, sports that get you out there meeting people. People wrongly assume that introverted people cope fine alone ( and introverted people also wrongly assume this). I felt myself spiralling downwards over covid lockdowns, and what I needed was to regularly get out the house and mix with other people. For me, it doesn’t have to be loads, but it has to be semi regular. Also try and get outside for a walk once in the morning and once at lunchtime. I find the combination or walk + sunlight + tiny bit of social interaction buying a coffee / lunch makes a substantial difference to my mood.

It’s a tough situation you’re in, and I’m sure many of us have had similar thoughts , aside from therapy, the only advice I can offer is sunlight + walking + some regular social interaction. Find the little joys in life, like a sunrise , or trees and birds.

I am grateful for every single one of your comments, every thought you have spent on this, is appreciated. I will have to take some time to go through all of them. Many things i have read, already describe my daily practice. Some, i have tried already and didn‘t find as helpful and some tips seem really seem to be promising. I will go through all of them in slow pace, might comment or just use it to reflect and write down my thoughts to myself.

So, please don‘t think your effort was worthless in case it takes a long time for me to respond. It was really helpful, even if in some cases i feel that i am already further along in my journey. It might just be my arrogance or ignorance. I will use it to reflect and question myself.

So: thank you. All of you might have just saved a life. Not that i was suicidal, but still…

Thank you.

I'll echo comments about speaking with a therapist. As someone who sees one weekly going on 5 years now, I can attest to how helpful it can be. It changed my life, but in ways I didn't necessarily expect going in.

I personally love to be alone. I am a deeply introspective person, and have a "rich inner dialogue" that will always accompany me.

I spent some time thinking that lonesomeness was actually my ultimate goal, and that achieving it would bring me happiness.

It's not that I hadn't experienced good social interactions, and I had friends, but the allure of solitude was still strong.

One of the big realizations I eventually reached was that I actually love being around/with people. And I love being alone.

I also came to realize over time that I experience what is characteristic of an "HSP" or "Highly Sensitive Person" [0][1], and when combined with my natural introversion, I would consistently underestimate the energy impact of certain areas of my life (work was a major "forced" interaction), and just didn't understand how to give myself enough time/leeway to rest/recharge after participating in social activities.

Bottom line: It's possible to both crave solitude and need (and enjoy) social interaction. Accepting that both are true helped me fight the impulse to be a hermit, and helped me experience much needed social interaction without judging myself for being exhausted by it.

And being exhausted by something isn't a bad thing. Some of the best things in life are exhausting.

- [0] https://www.verywellmind.com/highly-sensitive-persons-traits...

- [1] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4086365/

Search professional help. Not every problem has to be solved alone.

Now, the next line may not be for you but others stumble upon these threads as well.

In case you don't know where to start and feel there are no options left, know that there is always someone available when you call 988 to help you make that first step.

This is of course not to be taken as a diagnosis but something to look into.

You might have what’s called avoidant personality disorder.

There’s a subreddit if you’re interesting in learning more: https://reddit.com/r/avpd

One common theme which you alluded to in your post is the feeling of loneliness but also enjoying being alone.

Avoidants crave social interactions but also engage in avoidant behaviour. For example, someone invites you to a party and you decline but you actually really want to go (and might fantasise all night about being there and have pretend conversations in your head).

Again, this is not a medical diagnosis but hopefully can help you search some more and help figure out some stuff about yourself.

Good luck!

I have noticed that when I am in a lonely or sad phase, I start to fixate on it more, so it then becomes more of a thing, a la William James “My experience is what I agree to attend to.”

Trying to figure out the WHY (which is unanswerable, and our minds hate an open question) and the HOW TO FIX is still fixating on it and reinforcing it. So I had to stop that (after enough therapy to understand my basic wiring).

What helps me is guided meditations on first relaxing any tension and then imagining the way I want to feel. Sprouting those connections instead of re-running the neural ruts related to the way I don't want to feel.

Find a nice Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu school nearby. BJJ will challenge your intellect and you will have friends all over the globe. No need to be sporty, this will come for free over time. Ken (IT nerd doing BJJ for 20+ years)

What you're describing is a classic introvert's tendency for hermitage. That is to say, it's easy to be forever alone.

Easiest thing in the world. Bloody lonely though.

There's no easy fix: you have to learn to be social. CBT group therapy would be my reflexive suggestion but I'd wager one-on-one would still have value.

It takes some serious bravery and will power on your part, but it doesn't even have to be formal therapy. There are many groups for adults whose main function is extra-professional socialisation. Therapy is a safe space though, so a good diving board into better outlets.

Best of luck.

Thoreau's famous for spending a lot of time alone and writing about it.

" I am no more lonely than a single mullein or dandelion in a pasture, or a bean leaf, or sorrel, or a horse-fly, or a bumblebee. I am no more lonely than the Mill Brook, or a weathercock, or the north star, or the south wind, or an April shower, or a January thaw, or the first spider in a new house."

Finding a living person or two that shares an interest or two can be a rare and good thing. Until then, there are always artists who've shared our problems. ;-)

Hello! Mid 30s guys here. I share this trait. This is trite advice, but it works for me.

First of all, I am always a little bit lonely. I have trouble letting people getting close, and it takes me longer than other people to show any vulnerability. I am a homebody who would prefer solo projects or video games to going out an talking to people. But I still have friends and a good relationship. So I guess step zero is to accept that things will never be perfect and are always a work in progress. There is no perfection, at least not for me, only improvement.

Advice number 1 is that familiarity breeds friendship. Find something that you don't hate and keep going to it, week after week. Board game meetups, religious/atheist meetups, political groups, volunteering, anything. The important thing is to keep showing up.

Advice 2 is that vulnerability is a big part of what attracts others to you. Don't over share too soon, but share some qualities about yourself. Don't be a faceless needless perfect person. Let your guard down a bit and be willing to stand on your own traits, and be accepted or rejected. It will be difficult and painful, but if people don't accept you for who you really are, then that group wasn't for you anyway. Also, vulnerability is an ongoing process that deepens over the course of a friendship.

I would recommend seeking a competent and honest therapist or religious advisor because it is very unlikely you can overcome this alone given how this has, by your own admission, been a lifelong problem. I don't think it is wise to seek serious advice for what is a mental, spiritual, and/or moral issue in an online forum. Not only do we not know you well enough to advise you properly, but the likelihood that you'll receive advice that will help you is rather low. It might even help having something who keep you accountable.

For example, we don't even know why you are avoiding social interaction, and you may not consciously know it either. What sorts of vices are you enslaved to that keep you stuck? What sorts of destructive habits from childhood are you trapped by? Do you have a temperamental disposition for melancholy?

FWIW, depression, which is what it seems you have, can involve avoiding truths, including those about oneself, that are uncomfortable or painful. This is pride, which is opposed to humility (i.e., rational, honest self-appraisal and self-assessment; emotions are not the best guide). Pride is the mother vice from which all other vices spring. In retrospect, it is not surprising. Life lived in opposition to the truth is a recipe for misery, boredom, stagnation, nihilism, and insanity.

Happier is the man who passes through the meat grinder that is life than the man who seals himself off in a padded cell, wasting his life in the process. It is better for the wolves to tear you to shreds than to rot under a rock; for others to destroy you than for you to destroy yourself. Indeed, a man can inflict categorically worse harms on himself than anyone else can which are superficial abrasions in comparison.

> How do you deal with it?

I got married.

Well, I didn't get married to deal with it, but I no longer have any time for my brain to reach melancholy.

My sole alone times exist when I'm going on a run or commuting to/from work. When I'm running, my blood is flowing and I'm generally energetic and calm. During commutes, I'm also generally calm and previewing/reviewing the work day.

Aside from that, I've always gotten a lot of use out of a good therapist.

Reminds me of The Oatmeal's article on being happily unhappy [1].

I think I'm pretty similar. I'm also 30, live alone, long distance from all of my family and most of my friends -- but I'm very close with my friends despite that, and most are the same or similar to me. And while I enjoy being around them, I still crave my freedom and am very proud of my current identity as someone who paves his own path. And I also despise my lifestyle at times too.

I read a comment recently that resonated a lot too, that socializing is a muscle you need to exercise like any other. I think it was always hard to make friends in your 30's but the recent pandemic has had a lasting effect on our culture, where so many people made themselves comfortable at home in online communities that now it's hard to make friends in your 20's too. But I'd still suggest trying to find a meetup group (board games are always fun!) or a volunteer group (foodbanks are everywhere) and socialize because it's good exercise.

[1] https://theoatmeal.com/comics/unhappy

We all live in our own world of the mind. Everything is subjective. What traps us is our fear of uncomfortable feelings. You don't need to run from or reject these feelings though. Try being open and accepting. Explore your own conditioning and feelings. It can't hurt you but if you 100% accept your feelings you are free. When you feel something uncomfortable try just sitting as still, quiet and relaxed and just let it happen. See if you can find what it is about it that is bad or should be rejected. I think you'll find that it's not inherently bad it's just a different feelings. But, if you don't run from your feelings and you accept them the thoughts and feelings that brought them up become irrelevant because, after all, this is 100% subjective. Nothing "matters". Nothings is "important". You don't "need" anything. Our conditioning tells us we need things and the uncomfortable feelings enforce that believe. Free yourself by doing ... nothing. Just accept it as it is :)

You should contact professionals if you can pay them. If not you should go to a library and find what happens to you on your own.

Also everything in on the Internet right now if you know how to search and you can pirate video materials that is probably much better to learn about something you don't know than a book.

A good professional will find it soon what happens to you. On the other hand you don't know how to differentiate a good professional from a bad one that just wants your money.

Nobody knows you here over the Internet. It is a very bad place to give you a diagnostic.

If you want to auto diagnose, writing down everything that you feel will help you clarify your thoughts.

Answer your own questions: Do you love to be alone because you love science and technology and people around you do not?

Are you smarter than most people and most people seem only interested in Football and Gossip? Do you feel that nobody is interested on deep topics but trivial ones?

Do you love to be alone because people interrupt you constantly and do not let you concentrate and think?

Do you feel social anxiety around people? This usually happens when you had bad experiences growing up around other kids.

Most people have bad experiences with their parents, their family or their friends and that could block entire parts of their lives. If a girl is raped, it can destroy her future if she has not professional help and the same happens with a guy that was bullied.

I have filled 300 pages notebooks with those questions and answers so I know myself very well. I also have worked on my issues going to seminars and buying programs and books and helping friends.

I'm an introvert. I gain energy from being along; I lose energy from being around people. I need to be alone a large amount of the time. I need people to leave me alone so that I can hear myself think.

But I can't be completely alone. I need human connection as well. I need moments when I connect with someone. I need moments when people really see me, hear me, understand at least pieces of me.

Some moments I can't get either one. I'm with people, but I'm not connecting in any real way. Business meetings are often (not always!) like this.

Maybe that fits you, too. Maybe you've been so busy creating space for yourself that you made a world where you don't have any real contact, and now you find that you need it. I think we all do, even the introverts.

So find a few people that you can connect with. At work, at a gym, at a community theater, at church, at a volunteer soup kitchen. Don't expect any one person to fill all the need for connection - you need a variety, and one person can't carry that weight.

For me, my wife is the biggest one, but I also have others.

Hey, it seems like you find yourself in a crisis. This has happens to most of us and it’s good that you posted here.

The question that you’re asking nobody else can answer for you unfortunately. A good way to find an answer is to start with asking “What am I”. And you’re amazing! But you have to seek the answer tirelessly to that question before you can see that. Here is a poem that can get you started on that journey:

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/45477/song-of-myself-...

Finding an answer is very difficult and we go through many ups and downs. If you’re feeling really desperate, make sure to reach out to a suicide prevention hotline. They’re run by really nice people who love you. There are some helpful resources here:

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicid...

Wish you all the best!

Learn to play an instrument and start/join a band. Get a dog which needs lots of walks. Make (or buy but that's boring) a bow and start shooting, join a club. Basically find yourself some activity which you can do alone among people. Where there's people there's a chance of meeting someone who fills those gaps in your life.

About that "intellectual loneliness" bit I'd pose that a healthy mix of mental and physical - i.e. "dumb", but not really - work is the best way to keep both parts of yourself healthy and sane. I bought a 17th century farm and have been restoring it ever since, I cook on a wood-burning stove and heat the house with wood alone, getting firewood from the forest is a few weeks worth of "dumb" - but not really - work a year. Not everyone will be in the position to get a farm but there are plenty of other "down-to-earth, physical" things you can pick up, things which give some payoff - vegetables, firewood, fish, whatever.

> I know, often times i am subconsciously aligning my actions to end up alone

Are you sure you aren't doing this because you have some sort of social anxiety that's prohibiting you from enjoying group activities? Even when I do like something, I often find that I would like to cancel and do nothing, but always feel better after when I go. I think it is pretty normal.

It is hard to help you, because we don't know your situation.

Do you have adult "summer camps" (not always in summer) in your country? I know that when i feel a bit lonely, i take a week of to either learn a new sport or improve at one i like at those camps, once or twice a year. It's great to meet interesting people.

I love being alone too. But I learnt a while ago that being alone too much is bad for my mental health. It sounds like you might be on the way to teaching a similar conclusion. That being the case, I recommend continuing to enjoy being alone while making a concerted effort to not be alone too much (even if it is difficult).

Loneliness is crippling. I've been there. Sitting in a shower with the lights off at 2am crying from the isolation, the lack of connection to another human. What helped me break out of it was to deal with the underlining emotions of loneliness, namely depression. I'm still lonely, for sure, but I'm doing better because I don't have depression and anxiety hanging over me.

I strongly suggest looking into shrooms, and ketamine therapy. Don't fall down the marijuana trap: It's great and all, but it makes you content with doing nothing. Shrooms and ketamine will be a red pill of sorts, help snap you out of thoughts of feeling lonely and isolated.

WFH has only made loneliness worse for a lot of people, I can only imagine what you're working through.

Expose yourself to new people and different situations:

Take a class at a community college or maybe teach a class or become a substitute teacher at a local high school or grade school.

Join a sports club (like others have mentioned here) - Cross-fit, Jiu-jitsu, Krav-Maga, running, cycling.

Go to your library and check out the bulletin board - usually there are club notices or other events posted.

Get a part-time job that involves a lot of interaction - Walmart, McDonald's, chair-lift operator at a ski resort.

Volunteer at a food repository or at a charity like Feed My Starving Children or assist at a retirement community. For volunteering, in Chicago we have https://www.chicagocares.org. There might be something similar in your city.

>It‘s not a phase. I am turning 30 soon.

At least a little, it might actually still be a phase. I'm 40 this year, and something I can say in retrospect is that I was a very dramatic person from about 26 to 31. Those were probably my most existentially anxious years. Of course, it would also be wrong to definitively tell you it's a phase--it might not be a phase--but I also do remember what you are feeling now and that it eventually went away as I lightened up.

I think, and might be mistaken, people feel so dreadful in their late 20s because they think that their life is completely over at 30. This too, I think, is because I think they still have such a strong memory of being a teenager and thinking anyone over 26 is old and boring.

When I was 29, a 50 year old guy at work said to me "you have the whole thing still in front of you". I was polite, but secretly felt the the assessment was ridiculous. I felt so strongly that it was over for me that I wrote it off as his own politeness. But it's actually true, you are, right now, at an amazing point in your life. Try to appreciate the miracle of being 30 years old. It's a tremendous gift and you can claim it for quite some time still.

Here's what I was doing from 26-32: I lived with my parents, almost entirely unemployed and increasingly isolated from my former friends. At 34, I went back to school and was hanging out with a big group of friends (many in their 20s), going to the beach and even house parties. Of course, it eventually became clear it was time to move on from that kind of life. But I say this because I want you to understand that your life is not set in concrete right now. You can still do and have anything you want.

Here's my advice to you: join toastmasters, or reconnect with your absolutely ugliest friend. This is important because they will likely connect you other people who not so ugly, and because they will probably appreciate the company. I would say: you need a strategy. Think of where the people are and go have a look. Maybe you can learn something, but try not to creep anyone out while you do it.

Good luck friend.

Get yourself committed to something. Until a few years ago, my closest friends were people from high school or college. Over time, those friendships changed as our lives went in different directions. For me it got easier when I had kids - I coach baseball and help out with various school and other activities. You show up, get to know people and the rest is what you make it!

My brother got very serious about darts… he joined a dart league and was the president of some sort of regional dart organization. Point is whatever it is, find something where someone or something is depending on you so you don’t blow it off, then start talking to people. It could be darts, robot club, working a soup kitchen or church.

> I can‘t summarize it better right now. I have learned the portuguese word „saudade“. That feeling, i believe i know. It seems somehow related, to what I am trying to describe.

I've found "theories of personality" textbooks to be delightful in expanding repertoire to describe feelings better. One of note I found is An Introduction to Theories of Personality by Robert B Ewen.

I found it to be beginner friendly and showcase a variety of competing theories in a very objective and proportional way, without pushing a conclusion onto the reader, it just laid out their strengths and let me make up my mind.

If you're open to reading I have more resources on personality theories.

You are feeling the health effects of social isolation.

“ Social isolation significantly increased a person’s risk of premature death from all causes, a risk that may rival those of smoking, obesity, and physical inactivity.”

https://www.cdc.gov/aging/publications/features/lonely-older...

Solution: realize your first order desires of being alone are killing you faster. It’s analogous to the desire for sugar, which humans have never had the wealth to eat non-stop until now. First order desires are often destructive when untamed.

I don't how to relate to you 100%. I have lived alone for like 10 years and have not tired of it.

But I will say this. I do actually go out and interact with people on a regular basis. I might live alone but I do not bask in it for long periods of time.

To wit, I am weary of taking full advantage of WFH and prefer hybrid schedule.

So if you WFH and live on your own that could be a good place to start revising your life. And I say this because HN has a large programmer/IT demographic.

But yeah, not seeing any people on a regular basis can make you could go loopy.

So if you WFH, maybe reconsider. In short, you're not meant to be holed up 24/7.

I'm introverted and even I know that isn't good for me.

Self destructive behavior can be a great candidate for therapy. It may help you uncover why you feel the need to sabotage yourself. Is it insecurities? Is it past trauma? Something else? Good stuff to talk through with someone.

I am also very melancholic person and love to be alone. Actually, never looked up on the meaning of saudade till now but it perfectly sums it up why I am also in love with Brazilian Bossa Nova tunes.

However, as I get older, I also understood that, it's also a bit egoistic. I push myself now to talk to people often, especially in the mornings where I hate to talk the most. I am good with people and love them actually, and pretty sure you do to.

Deep down all of us want to connect with one another, even if it's just one person, try it out. Try to push yourself in the beginning and see how it works out.

Best of wishes

I don't know why nobody has brought this up yet... while you embark on the journey of finding a good therapist that you can work with, if you are not opposed to the idea, adopt a small pet, dog maybe. A pet has great potential to enrich your life in many ways while still giving you plenty of "me/alone" time. Hopefully that will help you ride out some rough patches without feeling too lonely. If you do go down that path, do your research before hand on what it entails to have a pet.

I would say everyone is more or less like that. Consciously or subconsciously. You are in a relation, you want to be single and have time to yourself. You're single, you feel you need someone

I know I am like that. I don't care much for people, but I know my girlfriend is there. When I didn't, I could feel my brain working double time "You need someoneeee!"

But then by having a girlfriend, you have to do things she wants too, socialize with her friends, obey...

Can't live with her, can't live without

Do you have any hobbies or sports you are interested in? Sign up for something even if you have no experience. You will be forced to interact with people and it’s likely if you enjoy the hobby or activity and keep showing up you’ll eventually make a few acquaintances and friends. It gets harder to make friends as you get older, so I’ve found common interests are the best way to connect. Work definitely isn’t.

This resonates with me a lot. I feel like I'm cutting people off and making poor choices in pursuit of "freedom" but in reality only becoming more lonely. I moved to Lisbon this year and recently started to see a therapist which I'm hoping will help. I would definitely recommend giving that a try. And if you're also in Portugal I'm looking for friends : )

On the subject of "saudade", check out Amalia Rodrigues and the type of music called Fado, which kind of exemplifies the feeling. I learned about about this music when I lived in Portugal as a child. My favourite: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uFgctURyGp4

I agree with sibling comments that you should talk to a therapist about this.

My layperson understanding is that this seems like depression, but obviously take that with a grain of salt. If it is depression, there are a number of ways forward that can help, and they mostly start with finding a trained therapist to correctly identify what's going on.

If thou workest at that which is before thee... expecting nothing, fearing nothing, but satisfied with thy present activity according to Nature, and with heroic truth in every word and sound which thou utterest, thou wilt live happy. And there is no man who is able to prevent this.

You’re under 30. You haven’t even hit your peak. It’s going to be OK.

The more you learn, the more unique you become. The more unique you become, the harder it is to find similar people to socialize. You are normal in the sense that you do want to socialize, but from pervious experinces you also learned that with most/all people you will get no satisfaction from interacting with them.

I am not a Portugal, but my understanding of this word is that if the situation is killing you, this is a wrong word.

Spend sometime helping people worth helping. Go read books for the blind or something. It changes your perspective.

enjoying solitude is not just about being alone.

You can enjoy solitude in crowds.. like library's or sole dining or even just getting outside and wandering the streets/hills/parks etc.

Start there. feel connected without having to connect by first just observing.

I often enjoy sitting alone in a busy location just observing the people.

I think can relate. My impression is that i can be really creative e.g. writing music mostly when I am alone for a substantial period of time. Looks like the terms "melancholic void" or "intellectual loneliness" match that experience quite well.

I love being alone but I get my kicks with partying, art, and deep involvement with the local music scene. So, during non-winter months, a couple of weekends a month is spent at events socializing, and my weekdays and other weekends are spent alone doing whatever.

Humans are social and sexual by nature. That's where religion and the rest of civilization that reductionists take for granted came from.

Don't forsake it or you will live hell on earth. Go halve dinner with grandmother and be happy.

I would recommend traveling. Maybe in South America. Travel aligns your priority’s if you stay in hostels and explore. You’ll learn necessities, privilege, love and hate. It’ll get you out of your box of loneliness.

I'm like you, in my thirties and this topic resonates so I'll add something.

The word "loneliness" is quite loaded. I find I'm more lonely now that I have my own family then when I didn't. I know, weird, but that's life. Being alone and being lonely are truly very different things.

Another obvious thing is you are 30 and you don't mention having a partner so I assume you don't. Let's not beat around the bush. It's not hard to imagine you want a partner of some kind. Whether you can or not is unknown, but it's quite obviously a big issue for a lot of people so be open to do something about that.

Like some other poster here said, look into childhood emotional neglect. You can have the nicest parents that gave you everything, but they can still mess you up big time. No abuse necessary. I don't wish to go therapist on you, but I know this helped me figure out lingering feelings/problems in my life. It gives you a very distinct, empty, lonely feeling that is hard to describe. You may feel like something is wrong with you. Some sort of invisible "fatal flaw". You never quite connect with the world like other people seem to. This can happen if you learned - early stuff, this could start to happen at 1yo - to disconnect from your own feelings and needs in an attempt to survive an emotionally empty environment. This could explain the seemingly strange necessity you feel to create a "void" as you say - which basically ensures you never feel because that could be dangerous (infant-perspective). Could be, don't know. Worth looking into.

Also, it's important to know yourself. What charges you and what doesn't. For me, other people don't charge me. They deplete me and pretty fast too. Even the best and closest ones can only be neutral in that regard. They can never charge me. It just never happens. That charge comes from inside and no matter how "society" is signalling me that I should change I'm old enough now to accept it for what it is: introversion and a pretty hefty dose of it. Doesn't need fixing. Don't confuse introversion with social skills by the way. I'm not shy at all and can easily address strangers, audiences, whatever. I don't care. That has nothing to do with it. It's not binary either, you can be a bit of both and probably are.

If you're even slightly extraverted - big chance - you need to give yourself that "fix" now and then. Like at least every week or so. If that is part of the problem, just force it. Meet some friend, go to your family, whatever is available to you.

If you're a total introvert however, don't bother forcing it. It will do nothing.

Same but Im bad at my job and basically just helpdesk, bad pay, not rich like you devs, dont know anything my dream is so be hooked up to opiates and just watch movies and shows until I die

Have you tried dating someone bro? Maybe you are longing for companionship with someone who understands your preference of being alone by yourself every once in a while.

Do you have friends? Do you have family? Do you have colleagues? What happens when you seek their company? What happens in you when you consider seeking their company?

Being alone is familiar. Even though you have the feeling that you want to be with others, you also crave the familiar. A trap of your own sorrow.

The way out is to pursue the unfamiliar.

What you describe is a problem with your thinking. Speak to a clinical psychologist and ask them for help. This sort of issue is their bread and butter.

set yourself up to do something that would force you to socialize a little, and that you would feel bad about not doing once it's set up, for example, volunteer to help take care of elderly people

most people in "their deathbed" who mainly feel good about their lives talk about the relationships they have, or how much they found meaning helping, and you can't help people without socializing

From your description it's not clear whether you lack the skills to communicate with other people, or you simple choose to ignore them.

RUN & BIKE

and learn how to do so with heavy-input but only breathing through your nose, not your mouth.

Whilst doing so - meditate on your thoughts.

Movement and Measure

Is the basis of your life

I always thought I loved to be alone, I was always forced to be not alone. I think I prefer not be be alone.

Maybe get a cat, or some more? Or a dog? (If finances and circumstances allow)

You feel intellectually lonely. What are your interests?

I was formally diagnosed in the past with an autism spectrum disorder, although I am high-functioning. Now I am beginning to suspect I also carry symptoms of schizoid personality disorder, although this would be a self-diagnosis.

I have never liked interacting with people. This is less of a problem stemming from a lack of social skills than a lack of interest in anyone in my vicinity who could be a social target, and I don't think there's a pill one can take to make other people interesting to one's psyche in perpetuity. It's not a thing for people to criticize what others are interested in, like picking gardening over weightlifting, so I never understood why not being interested in human interaction was any different. That is what being myself feels like. Of course, because interacting with humans is necessary due to how humans underpin critical services like healthcare, there are downsides to not wanting to interact with humans. Despite this, I feel happier alone.

When my family gets close to disowning me outright or people I used to know told me I'm weird to my face, somehow I always come out the other end unfazed, as if I had come to expect it all along and didn't care that I had lost another social link. If someone isn't going to accept that I don't care about socializing with them (and maybe can't, at a neurological level), then there's nothing more I can do.

The fact is, I don't know what else I could do except subjecting myself to what amounts to propaganda (if not therapeutic propaganda) in an effort to convince me I'm something I'm not, for the ultimate outcome of a higher quality of life, regarding a life that is no longer mine. Study authors feel the need to separate people like me out from the average population, as if the condition is an inbuilt part of us. Maybe I have to accept that my brain is different, and not in a way that happens to be more socially acceptable like not identifying as heterosexual. At least in that domain the issue concerns which kinds of people you're interested in, not whether or not you're interested in humanity at all. I have become disillusioned too many times from subversive messaging from individuals who advertise themselves in that way, accepting "everyone", whereas while I tilt my head up and down in superficial understanding in their direction, I can only ever wonder what they're selling.

Also, therapy has never worked for me, the simplest reason being that I don't care about building a relationship with a therapist, especially with the knowledge that the relationship is based on my ability to pay the other party. Nobody I've ever met has understood this, and I have begun to get incredibly suspicious when someone recommends me to start therapy for the 14th time regardless (or even in spite of my own protests), as if it were their off-hand token of sympathy for anyone that matches my general profile.

At the same time I can recognize that the people offering those tokens are not trained to deal with me. Even so, my last therapist said that she couldn't address my concerns because she "was only human."

To answer your original question, I cope with the loneliness that does occur by not recognizing it as loneliness. It isn't advice for you, because my belief is that this is just the pathology of my supposed disorder, and not something that arrived from any personal train of thought. From reading the literature (R.D. Laing, etc.), some believe that the schizoid condition (not necessarily yours, I'm only mentioning this in case it's somehow enlightening) is a contradictory struggle of wanting acceptance from others while rejecting excessive influence and expectations.

I treat the idea of "friends" as "eternal vacation wherever I feel like." They would be nice to have if things worked out, but they don't, so I have to be content living without them. But the problem with the word "friend" is its usage is too vague in my mind. It doesn't encapsulate the expectations the person places on you, which I want none of. It doesn't specify what gated requirements are needed to prevent the relationship from imploding for a reason you interpret as petty or part of a social contagion you do not believe in. As a result, I am not interested in what a neurotypical would refer to when they say the word "friend". My social interest, if any, would be about something else entirely, but which encapsulates the same need for contact/acceptance which is gotten at.

I'm not sure if any of that is helpful. It feels like I'm just venting myself without addressing the question. I seem to have a sort of protagonist syndrome, owing to the "disordered artist" stereotype that is perpetuated, and that fear of being outed as an "I am special"-type prevents me from talking about this earnestly with anyone in real life, especially not on the internet under a recognizable handle. Then again, I don't expect to maintain a vulnerable relationship for the rest of my life at this point, and I'm not even 30.

Go to church.

The single most potent idea I have ever run across is "blame vs responsibility," it couples with another potent idea "easy vs simple," and another one "comfort vs growth."

Blame vs responsibility is analyzing yourself to see if you are primarily in a state of blame (also known as outward locus of control -- the world happens to you) or responsibility (inward locus of control -- you happen to the world).

Easy vs simple is the idea that some things are simple while some things are easy, and just because something is simple doesn't mean it is easy and just because something is easy, doesn't mean it is simple. "just set up a new service in production" is easy but not simple. "lose weight" is simple but not easy.

Comfort vs growth is the idea that comfort and growth are opposites. If you are comfortable you are not growing. If you are growing you are not comfortable. You cannot have growth without discomfort. Seeking the pain of discomfort is how you achieve growth.

> Sometimes it seems like i do that to create something like a melancholic void, that i must feel, because otherwise, i would feel empty…

Here you are recognizing that the "melancholic void" is your state of comfort (or at least more comfortable than the state of emptiness), while in the first half of the sentence you are explaining your lack of growth. The lack of growth comes from choosing the state of comfort.

If you are overweight, your life will suck. There is just no getting around that. Fat people are not generally sexual objects, and that will destroy mental health. Obesity == invisibility, sexually and socially. Eating what you want is very easy and very comfortable. Losing weight is extremely uncomfortable and extremely hard, despite how simple it is to do. You eat less, period. Simple bit extremely hard.

So if you're fat. Do you blame your genetics? Do you blame your lack of self control? Or do you take responsibility for your over eating? Blaming does not lead to action, it leads to stagnation. Taking responsibility means believing that you can have an effect on those things and acting accordingly. Maybe it means going to a specialist.

Quitting gaming is another example of simple but not easy. Just don't play games is quite simple. Dealing with the feelings that result from removing a primary form of escapism is not. A blame mindset is "games are too addictive," a responsibility mindset is "my life will never get better until I stop escaping."

Not feeling a connection with people is another thing that can be weighed on these axis. How much are you blaming people for the problem vs taking responsibility for the problem? Are you expecting to find comfortable easy solutions? Can you already think of uncomfortable, yet simple solutions (like talking to strangers/getting better at talking to people/talking to more people/joining clubs with intellectually minded people/be more vulnerable/etc.)?

When you find yourself in a state of blame (other people aren't as smart as me and therefore I am lonely because no one can talk to me on my level), you are choosing comfort. "It's not something wrong with me, it's something wrong with other people." Your ego has a facade of protection. Meanwhile your mental health suffers because you are not choosing the pain/discomfort required to get out of your situation.

I have a hypothesis about this type of feeling but it is work in progress and probably not finished.

I think one primary reason why we feel this loneliness is because we fear the situations where we might need other people, in particular situations where we do not have a computer or we are sick or otherwise unable to live the way we usually do on the computer (speaking for HN crowd specifically) ;P

What i mean by this is for example I can imagine myself getting sick or getting old to the point where I can't do the things I am passionate about, so I end up sitting alone somewhere just staring out the window or something, with no friends or family, and that is a pretty lonely thought.

The problem in the modern world is that we can for the most part actually live alone and do the things that we are interested in, and these situations where we actually need other people in person become an abstract idea rather than a concrete need, but historically and probably evolutionary we did need them. I think in prior decades it was a lot harder to entertain yourself and be alone as much as we are today. We can get a hold of food, social interactions online and accomplish goals in a way that was never possible without in person interaction in the past and this confuses our brain which is not used to this arrangement. Edit: Just to make it clear, I think we oscillate between feeling complete happiness and contentment from the things we do alone and enjoy (like coding/reading/whatever you do), and the feeling of being afraid of the moments we might need people. It is this oscillation pattern that confuses our brain because we don't know if what we have is enough or not. We want to "cover" all possible scenarios we can imagine.

I also want to mention the feeling we've all probably had when we do something on our own that was a challenge and we succeeded - it gives a strong feeling of relief when we actually accomplish this. I think, if we can get that feeling for ALL life situations we would no longer feel loneliness since we would be self sufficient in all situations. But up until we are convinced of this, we will always be afraid of the abstract imaginary situation where we will need other people but will be alone I think.

So i think there are two possible solutions -

1) Either convince yourself through experience or thought that there is no situation you cannot deal with alone and it will be fine

or

2) Do the hard work of making and keeping friends which means sacrificing your own time and thoughts etc to them. This is like studying for a test in a boring subject there is no way around it. Don't get me wrong I don't think other peopel are boring I just mean there is work needed there that usually goes beyond the comfort / convenience level of what you're used to.

Tbh I am far from good at this, I am mostly alone nowadays but I do enjoy talking to some select few people, but I try to keep the fear mentioned above in check and also be content that I can handle the situation I am in and future ones.