And this baby is going to be here, like, imminently. It's always been my dream to be a dad, and now I realize how laughably unprepared I am to be bringing somebody into this world. I can barely do my job, and now, it's so, so serious. I can't quit my job, I can't take time to look for another job, I can't _do_ my job.
When it was just "me" in the world, I could afford to be cavalier and take chances, but now I feel completely dependent on a group of people that demonstrably DNGASFF about me.
I'm not a fast talker, my resume looks like shit, the only thing I know how to do is program, and we're about to have a baby. What do I do?
The good news is that the baby sleeps... a lot. You can only fill up so much time doing laundry, cleaning bottles, and doing dishes. You will have some free time, especially at the start. Use some of this time dusting off your resume and learning some things that interest you that you haven't had the chance to dig into previously. You should be free from the typical day-to-day work stresses so, if you're like me, this might actually be enjoyable. If you're already confident you dislike your job, maybe even try to get an interview or two scheduled during this time.
Once you're back to work you can evaluate with a clear head just how much you (dis)like your current job, and you should have a clearer idea of how close to the chopping block you truly are. Some employers have a knack for making you feel worthless even if you're incredibly valuable.
Make sure you're prioritizing your family; it's a lot easier to find another job. This is an very exciting time- enjoy it!
Stay at your job. Milk them for whatever paternity leave they will give you. And if you announce you are going on a long paternity leave, they are not going to fire you right before you leave. DO NOT SWITCH JOBS NOW.
When the hospital sends you the bill - argue, argue, argue. They did stupid stuff to us like bill both my wife and the child for all the same delivery line items ("guys, it was the same procedure!"). Get it to a reasonable number and put it on a payment plan.
Use the paternity leave to start looking for jobs. You'll have time and a clear head. And a much bigger perspective on life. You may even find that with the change, you were missed at work and that the burnout seems far and distant.
After that, having a kid is cheap. (At least at first). Get yourself a Costco membership. The first year we spent maybe $35 a month on diapers and $45 a month on formula. Clothes and furniture and toys other people will be stoked to provide for you. At tax season, enjoy getting a few thousand extra dollars back.
Welcome to the next phase of your life. I wish you and your growing family much happiness.
The good: You will have the power to make your kid's life a good one. You'll make a difference that no one else can make. Probably the decisive difference. Even if no one ever acknowledges it, you'll know it.
What to do: Think about what you have to do to keep reasonable income coming in. But also, think about what you can do to cut unnecessary expenses to the bone. No new cars. No getting hair done. No eating out. No vacations. Etc.
Within that framework, consider changing jobs. If you're living in an expensive city, leave. This is the golden era of remote work. If your current job makes you want to step in front of a train, find a new one. You can program, and there will always be someone willing to pay for that.
Your kid is everything. Start with that principle and work the problem. Godspeed.
Do whatever you can to get as much parental leave as you possibly can. Be there for baby and mama, and then -- only then, after baby is a few months old and your partner has healed a bit -- should you start worrying about your job and finances.
Thinking about caring for your new infant and partner's perinatal health are enough work already, and are far more important right now than your job anxieties.
The only solution for you right now is to understand your priorities. At the moment, the only thing that really and truly matters is your wife/partner's health and your baby. Focus on those for the first month.
After that, focus on the job.
* if your baby is healthy, the first 2-3 years are not the most expensive years. You’ll predominately need to be present and support. This will give you time to change jobs and your lifestyle if necessary to increase your finances
* pre-school and primary school is expensive
* parenting is not terribly difficult however, if you are attentive and willing to have regular conversations with you partner (setting goals together, etc), you’ll be fine
I’m a dad with adult kids. Treat everything above as advice. Use what you want, throw out what’s not useful for you. All the best of luck mate!
Caring for a newborn is a lot of waiting for something to happen, then responding, then more waiting. Get good at resting during the waiting, when the baby sleeps you sleep kind of stuff... When you start feeling well rested, hopefully you still have some leave left and you can worry about your job situation then.
To be brutally honest, assuming a newborn without special circumstances, once you adapt to the care routine, they get real boring. Closer to about three months, they get interesting and if you can arrange to have time off then, that would be great.
I left a job of 7 years when my child was six months old, after returning to work, my outlook had changed and I wasn't as willing to stay where I was --- and I got recruited by two different former bosses at the same time.
If you want to put in some groundwork towards looking for a new job now, make a list of people you have worked with in that you would like to work with again, and a list of people that you would be ok working with again (shouldn't just be people with your job, include managers and other cross-functional teammates), and try to get their personal contacts. When you're ready to look, contact them and ask them how they're doing, where they're working, if they like it there, and if they know anybody who is hiring because you're thinking of a change. Networking will help avoid some of the pain of a job search.
A baby needs everything!
Frankly, you CAN take time to improve your situation, and you will need to do that.
Don't worry about being ready. Almost nobody is and those who attempt to plan it all out, prep up and the like, frequently end up refactoring all that work and planning as life happens!
Do worry about giving this your best. That counts.
Do worry about your health. Others really need you, and they really matter and that is all a beautiful thing!
Regarding your job, work it best you can. They may keep people on edge for a ton of reasons. Just do what it takes to stay in the game, but do avoid letting all that get too far into your head.
Ask for help. The other people you know are worth a lot!
Now to fun stuff. Congratulations! You're going to be a dad!
Having done it, I can tell you there is so much good fun love and beauty and all of this to appreciate. Try to get a hold of that as soon as you can and never let go.
And I would have a talk with your spouse too. You need their support. And I'm sure they're ready to give it, so get all that lined up talk it through.
And then I would lower some expectations. Go take a look at life. What you are doing what you're not, what you need what you don't, what you want, and just minimize all those things make room for having a kid, and once you get settled in and running good, build it back up then, but you can let a lot of that fall away right now and you'll be better for it.
2) (Assuming you are in the US) If you can choose health insurance plans (annual enrollment this year and baby next year), check how your health insurance handles birth. There can be a massive difference in how much you pay out of pocket.
3) Plan to take parental leave. If your company offers it, take it... all of it. If it doesn't, budget to take three months off (but seriously, not less than half that). You and the mother won't be getting much sleep, there will be more to do, and last but not least, this is the only time your child will be a baby. This period is not something you can redo later.
4) Get your mental health in check. Your constant fear of losing your job and a low view of your worth suggests you may have some things to work through. Talk to mental health professionals, not just a friend or family member. You owe it to your child and family to be present and a positive influence.
Good luck.
I suspect you're better at your job than you think. I certainly wouldn't suffer having someone on the team I wanted to fire for 10 years. It does sound like you're tired of your job though.
Take whatever paternity leave you can. If you can afford one, look into getting a night nurse, which can help relieve the stress for you and the mother.
Since you've been at the job for 10 years, my guess is that if you can find another one, you'll likely be paid more. Interviewing is intimidating, but not everyone has a nightmare parade of leetcode questions. You're absolutely going to strike out at interviews. You just have to accept that, there are likely companies that you'd be a perfect fit for.
I don't know anything about your work now, but if you're looking for a place that gives you a little more breathing room, why not look into City/State/University jobs? Former classmates who took jobs working on city systems may not be making the most, but they got great benefits, good wlb, and a pension coming to them.
Let them fire you and collect unemployment while you recover. Go get a survival job that’s covers insurance and rent if needed. Sell stuff, get rid of your extra car etc. Your goal is to survive the next year with your baby and partner.
You need to forget about work, the most important thing will be helping your partner. It’s easy for fathers to conveniently choose to work (or stress over work- be present, fuck work!) while the mother bears the burden. Having a job is not an excuse to be lazy or to avoid responsibility for the child. My brother’s both took the easy way out, letting their wife’s become the childcare leader, shouldering the emotional burden, and their wives have to plan/delegate everything. That has fostered resentment and eroded their relationships.
The next year is going to be super challenging but you will grow new muscles, the baby will settle into a rhythm and you’ll be able to poke your head up to find a better job. In the grand scheme, you can write code and you’ll be middle class (or better). A 1 year gap is not going to break you.
In any case perhaps do try to get another job. You've got more time now than you'll have for the coming two years. Pay it now or suffer later.
Send me your resume, my email is in my profile. Happy to take a look.
Being a dad is a lot of work, but caring is the most important part. For the first few months finding sleep is very difficult, and supporting your spouse will be important, but other than that it's pretty simple.
It's good that you are freaking out now, it means you need to freak out less later.
As everyone else suggested, parental leave may give you a bit of time to recover. Your job may also offer unpaid leave you can take on top of that, if you can afford it.
Now might be a time to think creatively about how to move forward with your life. Sometimes, I've gotten boxed in by my own assumptions of what I should be doing. When I've been able to take a much broader perspective of what's possible, and accept that my idealized view of my life isn't materializing, I've been able to accept the opportunities that are in front of me and find a lot of joy and success outside of my original plans for myself. And over time, that has taken be way beyond what I could have imagined.
Do you or your partner have any family you can lean on? If you're able to eliminate housing expenses, would you be able to take some time to recover from burnout and find your next gig?
When I've read biographies of some of the most celebrated people of the past couple years, a large number of them talk about periods where someone had dealt with nervous breakdown. Not saying that's what you're dealing with, but just that mental health issues can affect anyone BUT they need not constrain your whole future.
As a father, one thing that might bring you a little comfort is that if the baby is healthy, the learning curve to being a dad is very gradual. In the beginning, it's true that it's hard to come by long stretches of sleep, but the things you need to master are very limited. Changing diapers, basic newborn safety stuff, soothing, and helping with nursing/feeding.
When you talk about being a dad in your post, it sounds like you're focused on your career but right now that's less important. Being a parent is your number one job. You have to clothe and feed and change and love this new person and they are going to look up to you as this amazing person who makes them feel comfortable, happy, and safe.
(Don't forget your partner here either. They're going to be recovering from giving birth and needing your presence and support.)
Take all the parental leave you're legally entitled to. And if the company offers more, take it!
I remember when my little bean was born and I'd spend like half an hour bottle feeding them in the kitchen bored off my butt. So I started responding to Stack Overflow questions other people were ignoring. And I would talk to my kid about it and why it was so important to help these people, and a little about the technology, and why I chose this career for myself. Babies don't understand any of that, but I was giving them my attention, I was making sounds they eventually learned to copy, and I think the best part is they got to see Mama excited about something.
We would spend hours cuddled up on the nursery floor with a pile of pillows, some Tangerine Dream albums, and stories about people I've met and things I've done.
Parental leave is a great opportunity to look at things through new eyes. I feel like I learned so much about being a manager by trying to explain it to a newborn. I hope you find it to be a positive experience as well.
Don't leave now -- definitely take advantage of any family leave they offer first. But then after that, why can't you quit? Why can't you look for another job? It seems like that's something that you _must_ do -- if not for yourself, then for the sake of your kid.
> I'm not a fast talker, my resume looks like shit, the only thing I know how to do is program, and we're about to have a baby. What do I do?
Don't learn to be a fast talker. It seems like you can write well enough, so I'm guessing you think well too. Learn to be comfortable with gaps in the conversation while you consider what you're going to say. You don't have to respond immediately to every question.
There are other offers here to help you polish your resume, but throwing my hat in the ring too -- me at my username dot net. Send over a resume and I'll help you clean it up. If there's alignment on technologies, I can also put in a referral with my current employer (we're hiring for several roles rn). Happy to help with interview practice too!
Nevertheless, there are challenges. Your wife will be in pain after labor. She will also be in pain from breast feeding. She will have no sleep. You support her by changing diapers and be lightning-fast when preparing infant formula. (A keurig or hot water dispenser is what I used. Put the infant formula powder in the bottle, dispense a little hot water, stir until the powder is completely mixed, dispense COOL water, stir, and TEST the formula on yourself before giving it to baby). Your wife may get post partum depression and will take out all her frustrations on you. Deal with it; you are partners for life. Eventually, you will want a job with work-life balance. Finances will be tight. But nothing can replace a happy family life.
No one is prepared to be a parent, really, unless you've had 2 kids already. People forget the tough stuff when they tell you their war stories from 20+ years ago. Truth is, everyone makes it up as they go along. Being a passable parent is somehow baked into our DNA, so with a little effort you'll make a good one, and with dedication a great one.
See if you can somehow coast at work. I don't mean, take advantage of anything, but the first 12-18 months of a child's life is not ideal for pushing hard on career. For the same reason, if you'd be thinking about changing jobs, I'd take it into account.
I left a job with a few weeks to go until birth, which allowed me to prep in a different way, by fixing things around the house, preparing food, getting baby stuff etc. I accepted an offer back at BigCo the week baby arrived with a start date that was about two months out.
I definitely leaned into my savings, but I kind of valued not having my first kids birth being held over my head at a job that I wasn’t thrilled with.
Of course this was possible because my wife and I were both working and had solid savings cushions.
Happy to talk if you want, our kiddo is 3months this week and it’s been an amazing ride. Plenty of people have done it with fewer resources, you can do it OP!
Plan. Plan. Plan. Before you plan your money, plan your time. Stay healthy. Expand your friends circle and take whatever help comes your way from them…baby sitting, clothes/toys trading, barter etc. There are some things you can’t buy with money. Relationships matter.
Don’t quit your job. Economy is only going to get bleaker. I don’t think employees have any bargaining power regardless of industry and anywhere in the world. All you can do is plan from your end..best case scenario, mixed case scenario and worst case scenario.
Enjoy the time with your child. Be calm. Again..planning is everything. Take it in 5 year chunks. Savings should be for at least 6-12 months expenses. In the US, there is social net support for necessities. It’s the other stuff.
It sounds like you need a break and need a bit of a mental adjustment: you've likely spent a decade being undervalued (new hires almost always make more than long-serving employees).
Take what pat leave you can, max out vacation time, and sick days if you need to, decompress, and adjust to being a dad.
As soon as you feel ready, talk to management / owners and express these feelings. You'll get good feedback either way. Your goal is either to take a sabbatical and come back refreshed, with a raise, or take your notice period to find a new job.
Maybe it's time to move into management or shift into something slower, like government. Maybe it's time to move nearer to family -- grandpa and grandma might enjoy helping with childcare.
Calm down, face your fears, and change what you need to change in order to take care of your responsibilities.
Best of luck!
Work will seem ever more trivial. Allow that as well, it is trivial. Now that you have a baby to take care of, you can worry less about taking care of your boss, and the wealth they need you to create for them, and the vacations they need you to pay for them, and the big house they need you to build for them, etc. Let them sucker some other young engineer into building their dreams.
You are the result of an unbroken line of millions of years of successful reproduction. You are the product of an uncountable quantity of computation and evolution. The power and intelligence behind you is infinitely greater than the obstacles that lay before you.
I ended up leaving the company and taking a sizable pay cut to do so. It was hard, super hard. The company I moved to was in chaos, we absorbed a bunch of new debt to keep up with things.
20 years later, I am so grateful I made this move. Not because things turned out great (which they did), but because I learned how to say no, and set boundaries for myself and how I let companies treat me.
Keep your head up, and focus on the stuff that really matters.
I just had my first kid earlier this year and I won't lie - the first three months were rough - but it's true what everyone says: sleep gets better, you and the mom support each other and learn together, and it starts to get fun and rewarding.
Hopefully your work provides some parental leave for fathers but even if they do, it sounds like you should at least update your resume and look into what other jobs are available.
Maybe really have a hard think or even talk with your manager about this? I have bluntly asked exactly where I stand when I feel like I am underperforming. It is part of their job to make you feel secure, if you are afraid of being fired they are doing a poor job at management. Up until the second they axe you your managers job is to make you feel as comfortable as possible.
You have a job, take a deep breath - but clearly you will want a new job sometime soon.
My advice is to focus on people - don't be shy or embarrassed about reaching out to everyone you've ever worked with or been friends with in the industry about how you're interested in new opportunities.
I found a job while my wife was preggers through the husband of an employee of a freelance client from years back. Most people like to help people when they can!
Apply the same belief in your dad abilities to your job abilities and I trust you'll land on your feet.
Background : Was burnt out having spent ten years working in a FAANG company, father was undergoing treatment for cancer and my wife was due with twin boys!
Couple of thoughts:
Talk to friends: Two months before the boys were due - I sent a text to three of closest friends to say that I was feeling overwhelmed by life and needed to chat to someone. This was by far the best thing I did . They had great advise but more importantly I was able to get my concerns put in the air and examine them in the cold light of day. If you are not comfortable talking to a friend , reach out to a therapist or even a helpline. It really is good to talk.
Take to mgmt in another department or in your industry: Taking a step back and thinking about your scenario from the companies perspective. Talk to managers in other departments or outside your company to discuss how best to manage this situation. They will give you a steer on how best to navigate this scenario for your mutual benefit. For example if you know you are expecting a child - have a plan in place for how you will ensure your work can be completed in your absence , who could take over etc. Have a plan and communicate that plan on a regular basis.
Priorities your family / depriortise work : For me I made the decision to move horizontal and to put off making a significant career move for a year. Making the decision not to make a change freed me from the background stress of feeling I was stuck. If you can - take what ever time is available for you to be with your family.
Surf the wave: By nature I am a problem solver but something's can't be solved in the short term or require trade offs in the long term. During the most stressful periods I visualised myself surfing the wave ! If I tried to fight it , I would be crushed - but by going with the flow and enjoying the ride - it helped me cope.
Finally - here is the secret no one tells you. We are all laughably under prepared ! I was worries about not being the type of father I had but what you realises is Parenthood is a journey not a destination . You learn on the job.
Imagine someone terrified of having a car accident every time they drove. "Have you ever been in an accident?" "No, never."
Or someone constantly worried about having left the oven on at home, so much so that they have to check it multiple before they leave. But they've never actually left it on.
This isn't an attack or a criticism, but sometimes it can be difficult to notice our own unhelpful patterns of thoughts, even though we'd notice them straightaway in others.
Of course, if they can document reasons why they're letting you go, they can still do it. But if you start asking questions and indicate that you're looking at getting a lawyer to review the termination agreement they offer, they would probably get nervous and make a better offer.
Wouldn't even consider taking a more stressful job until the kids are older, as the trade-off isn't worth it.
All that being said, you need to factor in your partners job, and cost of living wherever you are.
For me, being a dad has been awesome, even through COVID, I hope you can find a way to enjoy it.
Ok, you’re employable. Put out some feelers. You don’t need the perfect job, and probably people hiring for “non perfect” jobs are having trouble hiring. Maybe that’s your opportunity. Look for a stable and “boring” gig.
But also, 10 years is a solid track record. Maybe it’s a bit of imposter syndrome. Maybe management likes it when employees feel they aren’t doing enough. Maybe… don’t worry about it until there’s something to worry about.
The baby will keep you busy, but it will be a different sort of busy. My husband got some cool projects done, while still being the main changer of midnight diapers.
Fortunately my mother-in-law stayed with us for a month just to help out and show mainly my wife the ropes to speak with when kiddo cries and you have no idea what to do and you know it somehow all comes together.
And be understanding with your partner - the house is going to be a mess cause she now sleeps on baby time - it get's better - really it does.
I'd go to your manager or whoever you trust, share how you feel (overwhelmed, afraid of being fired), and listen to what they say.
Leetresume will make one for you for free as well. enhance.cv can give you a pretty template for free that you just need to fill in.
Take a week or two off as parental leave and smash some interviews in there.
Email is in my profile.
Background : Was burnt out having spent ten years working in a FAANG company, father was undergoing treatment for cancer and my wife was due with twin boys!
Couple of thoughts:
Talk to friends: Two months before the boys were due - I sent a text to three of closest friends to say that I was feeling overwhelmed by life and needed to chat to someone. This was by far the best thing I did . They had great advice but more importantly I was able to get my concerns out in the air and examine them in the cold light of day. If you are not comfortable talking to a friend , reach out to a therapist or even a helpline. It really is good to talk.
Take to mgmt in another department or in your industry: Taking a step back and thinking about your scenario from the company's perspective. Talk to managers in other departments or outside your company to discuss how best to manage this situation. They will give you a steer on how best to navigate this scenario for your mutual benefit. For example if you know you are expecting a child - have a plan in place for how you will ensure your work can be completed in your absence , who could take over etc. Have a plan and communicate that plan on a regular basis.
Priorities your family / depriortise work : For me I made the decision to move horizontal and to put off making a significant career move for a year. Making the decision not to make a change freed me from the background stress of feeling I was stuck. If you can - take what ever time is available for you to be with your family.
Cut yourself some slack - Before the boys arrived I trained everyday, went to the theatre , did self study and had a number of commitments outside of the house. I decided to depriortise a number of things and dial down the pressure I was putting on myself.
Surf the wave: By nature I am a problem solver but something's can't be solved in the short term or require trade offs in the long term. During the most stressful periods I visualised myself surfing the wave ! If I tried to fight it , I would be crushed - but by going with the flow and enjoying the ride - it helped me cope.
Finally - here is the secret no one tells you. We are all laughably under prepared ! I was worried about not being the type of father I had but what you realises is Parenthood is a journey not a destination . You learn on the job.
Let it come to you, be extra strong for the kid, and realize you will get tired from late night wakings, but let your bosses know. Ppl are more compassionate than you think if you are up front.
Mindfulness meditation (prayer in a religious context), the quieting of my inner monologue through shadow work + self-cognitive-behavior-therapy (CBT) to nurture my inner child, and noticing the presence of the divine through studying synchronicity (magic) really helped me.
In other words, you've correctly identified that no solution may be possible within your current reality. But as human beings, we can consciously shift into the reality we wish to live in. That might look like getting a different job, moving somewhere else, or even just communicating our feelings and setting boundaries. I've found that the more I stand up for the dignity of myself and others, the more the universe realigns to support my existence. I believe that this spiritual work in service to ourselves and especially others, is what brings about Heaven on Earth.
About being tired, well, this is a different situation... be afraid, very afraid. Some babies are very quiet, other not so much. One step at a time.
2. Paternity will be exhausting but there will be downtime (baby sleeps during day) use this time to polish your resume and apply to jobs
3. Interview and change your job you shouldn't be somewhere you feel like you are going to be fired for a decade.
No one is ever fully prepared for becoming a parent. Good luck - it is a rough ride (or at least it was for me). Use as much leave as you have available to you.
Get some rest bro chill out, it's being a daddy anxiety it is normal for first time fathers.
It will be hard. Find some way to reward yourself or you'll go insane.
You'll be happy down the line.
You might consider asking for a raise. Nicely, and with justification of course.
> I've been here since 2012, and I've never felt like I wasn't just about to be fired.
Your job sounds like it sucks, are you being bullied? You sound like an engineer co-worker who was fired and then re-hired for the same position after they couldn't get someone to replace him at the same cost. So after he returned he felt that he could be fired at a moments notice when the opposite was true. And they knew that and kept the pressure on him. That was 4 years ago and he still works harder than anyone yet they still are up his ass. They know he is a quiet person who wont speak up and the manager is a hot headed gym rat who is an imposing bully so it doesn't stop.
I told them years back to fuck off and die and wound up getting a raise and as much time off as I want. Don't let those fucks bully you into feeling like you have to sacrifice yourself when they wont. They wont respect you until you fight back.
If they fire you then they didn't need you to begin with and have been fucking you since 2012. No loss, but you need the paycheck.
> When it was just "me" in the world, I could afford to be cavalier and take chances, but now I feel completely dependent on a group of people that demonstrably DNGASFF about me.
By group I assume you mean work or family? Speaking of family, do you have family near by? The modern thing to do is to split up all over and have kids with zero familial support network. Not saying it can't be done but my friends with kids and ample family support can easily do leisurely things when two sets of grandparents or a sibling can watch the kids for free without worry. Otherwise you have to pay some stranger to do it. If you are not on good terms with your family then it will be difficult.
If your family doesnt give a fuck then oh boy...
> I'm not a fast talker, my resume looks like shit, the only thing I know how to do is program, and we're about to have a baby.
You and a million others pal. Everyone goes through this shit and then some. Your skills pay bills so don't fret, you just need a change in scenery. The longer you sit in shit the harder it becomes to clean up.
> What do I do?
Don't panic. Its easy to freak out while running around waving your hands and screaming while do nothing. Its harder to sit down and buckle up. Time to fix up your resume; have friends/family/trustworthy coworkers review it and then start applying. Nothing will change if you do nothing and accept abuse.
This comment might mean nothing but I sympathize with the panic and workplace bullying.
Ask for paternity and flexible hours. Work less, and care less about work. If you lose your job, you will get another one. Ask family and friends for help if you really need it. Do not worry about the future. One step at a time, one bridge at a time. It will all work out.