Any recommendation of activities and reading for someone who is apparently going through a mid-life crisis, aside from seeing a therapist and doing more exercises?
I have some vague idea of what I would like to achieve for the rest of my life (mostly intellectual stuffs such as studying General Relativity), but there is an invisible wall standing between them and what my mind is at the moment. I also think I should setup some other goals such as family (already have a baby son) but my mind is not particularly interested in that part. Maybe it will reveal itself when time passes.
I'm also interested in any experience of anyone who apparently had a mid-life crisis but managed to go through it more or less without too much damage to themselves and their families.
Thanks.
Find gratitude. Find humility. Give up ego. Shut down that voice that says 'but I deserve....'. You live better than almost all of humanity ever has. The King of France had a guy with a bucket follow him around and he would crap into it in public. You live better than the King of France. Find a way to make that enough, more than enough, to be something to be grateful for. Appreciate the gift that is your life every day. Try to not have resentment.
Impact the world through raising your child a little better than your parents did, and try to instill them raising their children a little better than you. That has true meaning, not knowledge in your head that will be lost when you are dust.
Go to any local public flower gardens and enjoy the beauty. It is as mind blowing a gift from the Universe as the principles underlying physics. And you can share the beauty of nature with your family and young child with much less effort.
Accept that NOTHING will be enough. Not understanding deep theories, not a Porsche Speedster. Not the vacations with family. Not academic praise, or 1% level riches. Turn your focus from those things you are trying to fill a hole with, and figure out why the hole is there and it's cause. You wouldn't just start putting dirt in a sync hole without understanding the cause.
Find a place where hopefully you are loved, but at the very least find a place within you to understand that you, as a person, are very much worthy of being loved.
As someone who failed the midlife crisis thing, I always go back to moments with family for strength, never to moments of 'ah ha' about some great programming algorithm or when I was in class and learned of some great discovery. General Relativity exists whether you study it or not, but those moments between Markus and those in his family that CHOSE HIM as their family, and CHOOSE to keep him family every day, those are very, very finite, and those others are choosing to GIVE their finite moments to be with YOU.
If you can not give those around you what they need, don't be a coward and wait until you fail them. Leave them now, stop stealing their finite time and energy. If that is the case, choose to be a failure, but not a failure and a thief :(
If you chose not to leave, then understand YOU CHOOSE this situation. No resentments in your head, this is your choice. You can choose to leave, but not to resent. Physical bodies change. Children come before our wants. Choose it, or leave. Don't pretend, don't steal the days of other's lives, and lie through omission.
You are halfway done with the period of time in which you can give and receive hugs. Some stupid Reddit that made me cry pointed out, at some point, you will pick up your child for the last time, then set them down and not in the moment realize that you will never pick them up again :( Make every time you pick your child up count. It is a special, finite thing, along with every other moment you have as the consciousness known as markus_zhang on HN.
Exercise and meditation didn't work. Exercise almost daily anyways.
Here is my story:
1. Realizing that I m going through midlife crisis and it is a normal thing.
2. Giving into some minor temptations like smoking or drinking too much. Could have spiraled down but had some strict rules like doing it only socially and taking Uber.
3. Changing job, buying a new car, etc
4. Realizing none of above would help unless I go for what I really want, which while not clear but is along the lines of new career, adventures, less responsibility, sell home, move to smaller apartment, move abroad, be a student again.
5. Realizing even if I risk it all and do the above, I may still not be happy.
6. Accepting that my current responsibilities (family) is above me and provide for them.
7. Playing lotto and risky option trades in the hope of making enough to secure my family’s future. (Very small portion, not risking their family's future)
8. Waiting
1) There's a biological component where happiness follows a U curve. Mid 40's tends to bottom out on happiness then steadily increases. Useful to know since riding it out is a viable strategy. [1]
2) This translation [2] of Marcus Aurelius's Meditations is powerful as a daily reminder that no matter the year or station in life, the struggles are universal. Focusing on what's in your control and "knowing thyself" goes a long way towards fighting overwhelm.
3) Modern hypnotherapy is worth studying and possibly doing a session or two with a skilled practitioner. It's basically a shortcut for hacking into your subconscious and un-sticking negative loops without needing to spend years in therapy talking about the past. It's gained popularity in high performance communities, CEOs, athletes, etc. But important to know the more modern version is different than hypnotherapy from 10+ years ago. It's also not stage hypnotherapy. Much more like lucid dreaming where you're still completely aware. I particularly like Marisa Peer's Rapid Transformational Therapy. Her books [3] are worth reading. I can connect you with RTT practitioners or coaches if you're interested. I've worked with a few.
[1] (random link, but useful article) https://www.inc.com/jeff-haden/scientists-just-discovered-mi...
[2] https://www.amazon.com/Meditations-New-Translation-Marcus-Au...
[3] https://www.amazon.com/Tell-Yourself-Better-Lie-Transformati...
I know you don't want to hear more fitness, but weightlifting made a huge impact on my outlook. Try 'Starting Strength'. Getting strong makes all the little aches and pains go away and you hit new, easily-measured goals.
Finally, visiting the deathbeds of family made me realize that the only thing you carry at the end of your life is the love that you've fostered. Seeing the world through that lens truly changed me.
Since then, I've started a new business based on a personal project I had been working on for a while. It is fulfilling work for me, and I believe the product is making a positive impact in people's lives. I am also scheduling time to activities and hobbies that I enjoy doing, and trying to get out in the community and volunteer.
In the summer, I have a weekly run with friends. In the winter I play in a volleyball league. I like having the scheduled activities to look forward to every week. It's a time to socialize, but also get some needed exercise too.
Here are some resources that you may find helpful:
1) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Midlife_crisis
2) https://www.nature.com/articles/s42003-021-02206-x
3) https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2014/12/the-rea...
4) https://openthemagazine.com/science/the-genetic-origins-of-a...
5) https://www.fatherly.com/health-science/am-i-having-a-midlif...
6) There is a tradition of "mind training" in Tibetan Buddhism called Lojong (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lojong) which you may want to study, learn from and put into practice. These are basically a set of practical advice/sayings/aphorisms/proverbs/etc. which teach you how to develop/modify your attitudes and perceptions towards life/other people/yourself in general. It was developed in the context of Buddhist practice but you can easily transfer the principles outside of it. A good starting point is the book Essential Mind Training: Tibetan Wisdom for Daily Life translated by Thupten Jinpa.
I found Eastern Orthodoxy, which is the perfect marriage between Christianity and mysticism. My whole life has been healed as a result of becoming (and continuing to struggle to be) an Orthodox Christian.
My life was a mess and my family was almost beyond hope. I was quickly falling towards divorce and despair. I heard about Orthodox Christianity through a few different avenues around the same time and I thought "what else do I have to lose?" I have not regretted the decision to go to church.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=54l8_ewcOlY&list=PLND1JCRq8V...
Perhaps you might relate to how he describes this disconnect. While I don't think I've gone through a life crisis yet, he has brought clarity to the feelings I had that might have resulted in one.
A good meditation for me comes after at least 30 mins of solid yoga, and then sitting in padmasana (or something similar, siddhasana, whatever keeps your body locked and spine erect) and silence. Then just breathe slow and relaxed and listen to what comes from inside of you.
I plan to read it in a few years when I have my own mid-life crisis.