I'm worried, I don't work well when tired. I'm just starting to get in the habit of investing in myself as a developer and am reading a lot, practicing a lot. This has made me, in my estimation, a much better programmer. Does this end when you have kids?
What was it like for you out there that have gone through this change in life?
There's a PaulG tweet about this that I'll have to dig up sometime about how parenthood changes you and yes it will change you.
The first six-months to a year you won't have decent sleep. You'll learn how to function.
Really I think the difference is that you don't have much time anymore for distraction, you don't tolerate it. You can't tolerate it. Sure, you'll still be able to browse HackerNews and play games (sometimes). But those long periods of drifting off, spacing out, taking hours to finish something...you'll learn to stop that.
You'll become more efficient. You'll have to: the baby is hungry or needs to be picked up from daycare. Dishes need washing, diapers need changing. Some young dev is dawdling on about something in their day? No. Where's the MR, here's what you need to fix. Get it done. Push it out. We don't have time for this sh*t.
It gets real. In a good sense. In the best sense.
I think you'll wish you did this years ago.
1. If you have hobbies, put them on hold indefinitely. Your about to get new ones. This is ok, though. I've found I have time for one only. The rest of my time has been re-discovering the world with my young daughters. Cherish it, and have fun with it. Enjoy refamiliarizing yourself with simple things, like watching a sugar ant walk across the floor.
2. Ive learned to make it a point to immediately put my phone or laptop away as soon as my kids are in the room. I don't have peer reviewed to evidence to back up my claim thatit has done wonders for the self esteem and confidence (compared to waht I often see) but it seems like it has. Always be attentive to them, first and foremost. HN can wait... it is probably just another post about a note-taking app anyways.
3. You can absolutely still learn and progress amd a fast pace in your career. You'll have to learn to study hard in short blocks of time, but if you make it a priority it will happen.
4. Kids have a weird way of getting between you and your partner. Don't forget to make intimate moments with them.
5. Some days and weeks are just going to suck. Just remember, it will be alright
6. If you have close friends or relationships you care about, I'd put some monthly reminders in your calendar for the next couple years to just gently remind yourself to call/text/email/whatever. It is hard to keep friends when you have young kids.
Disclaimer: I have a almost 4 and an almost 2 year olds -- these are just the things I've learned. More wiser (more kids, older kids) fathers probably have better wisdom to impart.
Edit: format
Ten years in and I’m seeing some of the hobbies come back, some of the personal goals. But I have a different perspective on them now. They are complements to who I am, not what define me, and I’m always ready to put them back on the shelf.
Maybe you won’t reach the programming heights you dreamed for yourself, but fatherhood and family are infinitely more rewarding.
As I pause to write this, my three oldest are reading books on the floor and teasing each other good-naturedly. My wife is playing peekaboo with our one year-old, who’s giggling non-stop and staring at her mother with adoring eyes. We haven’t bothered to clean up dinner yet. I have a baseball game on in the background, and I was supposedly reading when I slipped over to HN and saw this post. Going back to the family now - my book and HN can wait a little longer - cheers and God bless you and your family as you embark on this journey. All will be well.
Appreciate this little person. You are their whole world for the next several years, and it was your choice to bring them into the world, not theirs. Absolutely try to carve time and space for yourself so that you don't feel like you've lost a part of yourself that's important to you. But remember that the demands, and racket, and interruptions can be precious if you make space in your head to appreciate them.
On a more practical note, the first six months you'll be close to useless as a programmer, but those are also some of the most magical moments of your life. Enjoy them. People at work know what it's like to have a newborn.
I'm not saying his to rain on your parade. I'm saying this because not all people are created equal. You don't have to like parenthood. I love my kid but that doesn't mean that I love what I've become. If you find yourself there (or if anyone else is reading this and thinking they can't believe I'm saying it out loud), it's okay. You can still be a good parent, even if you don't love it and you're not a bad person, as long as you try.
Don't worry. You'll learn that your current definition of the word "tired" is wrong. Your current "tired" will become your new "okay", and I'm no I'm not joking.
However! You'll also learn that this attitude of "I need sleep to perform" is in your head, and be amazed at what you'll be able to do when you have to. You'll find that not having a choice in what you _have_ to do, works wonders for your definitions of "can" and "can not", because the next day you'll still be at work, and you'll still get things done. I also don't do well with little sleep, but here I am (still getting promoted).
To answer the title question more generally; it's night and day. I now understand how self-centred and egotistical I used to be. Of course the degree won't be the same for everyone, but I think there's still a certain level of egocentricity that anyone without a child can't escape.
Best advice I can give you is not to stress about a single thing. Statistically, it's much, much, more likely that it'll all work out. Worrying about the very small possibilities is too much when you're already over-tired, and it wouldn't do any good in any case.
Second off, parenting is hard. Very hard. Might be the hardest thing I've done personally. My first kid came into my life in the middle of me changing jobs, moving and then, within the first 6 months, purchasing a home. I turned the "adult" knob of my life up to 11. Don't be like me. Press pause on other big swings in your life. Yes, programming will take a back seat. The world will continue to turn.
You will absolutely curse your former self with how loose you were with your free time. You'll probably have a bit of resentment towards your spouse and the kid itself for changing that. That's okay but don't let it manifest. Every day from their birth will get better or you will adjust. Your free time won't be taken for granted anymore.
Thirdly, every kid is different. Find their formula and help them thrive. Some kids, like mine, come out hard charging & stubborn but never pausing. Others will have a different wavelength. Don't try to overcomplicate their time either. Sometimes just hanging with mom and dad, or dad and dad, or mom and mom is enough for them. Other times, a spatula can be an absolute wonder.
Lastly, you cannot do it alone. Lean on your parents, your spouse's parents, your daycare (if you can afford it), the local playground. Use all the tools at your disposal to get by and out. That means in the moment too. Take a mental breath, step outside and catch some fresh air. That doesn't mean leave your kid alone for 20 minutes. That just means making sure you take care of yourself so you can take care of them.
Good luck, have fun and don't be too hard on yourself.
Pro-tip: co-sleeping. I know this is considered heretical in the US, but the rest of the world does it because it's so much easier, and unless you're morbidly obese/drunk/on drugs it's fine.
1. Take shifts with your spouse and make sure the person resting you a sleeping in another room away from the noise. At least one of you should be rested at all times via naps or night sleep. When both are tired you will fight just because you’re tired. Expect fights if one is tired and the other one is on HN/Social Media/Games so don’t do it unless both of you have slept, eaten and done basic self-care.
2. Find out how to do sleep training first and work on it between 4 months and 12 months. If you don’t figure it out by 12 do cry it out if you have to.
3. Physical and mental work can work together. If you’ve slept, give yourself a problem in your head while you are watching the little one. Talk to them about it like a teammate - they are excellent listeners, will babble back, learn language from you, and keep your head not just in the game but actually coming up with solutions. Record said conversations too because your brain won’t remember much without sleep.
4. Get a great phone with a great camera and capture every moment that matters with audio, video, photos. They change so much in the first few months you will miss them for the rest of your life and you’ll want to hang out with their smily, cute baby videos when their older version talks back at you one day.
See it as an enrichment opportunity - when you’re tired you don’t remmener much so days fly by anyway, especially after the first month, when the baby starts smiling and responding to you.
If you’ve had even a little burnout coding, dealing with a baby will wipe that out and make you want to code again, just don’t try it while underslept - you’ll make more bugs than you fix.
Year Of Baby.
Don’t worry about what else is going on. Accept that you have different priorities right now. After the first year, you’ll be in the swing of it and parenting will be easier to integrate into your life.
I was a recording engineer for years before I had kids. I had no plans for kids, I was living lean while building up my career.
I got a new acquaintance pregnant. We became a family, I lined up a 3-year recording contract with a celebrity. Of course that was too good to be true and fell apart after 3 months.
I found myself working 3 jobs. Full time clerk by day, janitor by night, and a bootstrapped recording studio on weekends.
Of course, working 3 jobs and being a Father sucks. So I started learning software development.
My first programming/office job I drove 75 minutes each way, for less than a third of my current salary.
Let me get to the point though. After kids, I had an incredible awareness of how precious time is. It’s unbelievable how much I can get done now compared to before. And it’s because you start to see all this little slivers of opportunity. A minute here, 10 minutes there.
I definitely find time to keep my professional skills sharp. And because I’m all about balance, I’m finally in a low-stress job with a manager that stays out of the way, with hours that I choose.
I have health care because of my kids. I have paid time off because of my kids. I own a house in a nice neighborhood because of my kids. I am a more patient, empathetic person because of my kids.
Does it get frustrating? Of course it does. But we grow together. Sometimes I feel like having the family that I never planned saved me.
It will be exhausting at first. But you will adapt.
As for sleep, you might be only a few months away from consistent sleep. Whatever the case, rather than waiting for the early months to pass, try to enjoy them because they are the shortest time. The "chapters" of life get longer, there was little difference between 1st and 3rd grade, years of the same (still plenty to enjoy though). Yet those first hours, those first days and week are each their own chapter; the first 6-months it's own chapter. They go by fast, things change fast in the beginning. Just be aware.
In 50 years you won't care what kind of programmer you were as long as you were competent enough to provide. You will care about your kids and give anything to go back in time and spend just another few hours with them when they were little.
Don't worry about the bullshit that doesn't matter. Appreciate what matters while you have it.
Congratulations
> “ I'm worried, I don't work well when tired. I'm just starting to get in the habit of investing in myself as a developer and am reading a lot, practicing a lot. This has made me, in my estimation, a much better programmer. Does this end when you have kids.”
Yes. It largely ends _as you know it_.
The worst aspect of parenting for me so far (my kid is 15 months) is the loss of free and spontaneous time.
The way to counter this is to ensure you use your limited free time *really* well and to agree with your partner a structured “me time” window where you can go do what you used to “slip in” whenever you had an open window. Things like going for a run or gaming session with friends. Set a day a week and a time and that’s untouchable. Of course your partner gets the same.
Also as your kid is a small baby with very little interaction for the first 6 months make use of audio: get podcasts, audiobooks etc. making sure that nappy changes, rocking for them to sleep, etc etc etc are done while you are still enjoying that time by listening to something interesting.
I used to get the baby into a carrier (sort of baby backpack) for them to have a nap while I walked around a nearby park for 1 hour. That was very enjoyable and I always had a good podcast on.
Take naps, if your kid is a bad sleeper make sure you get some sleep when they do. Also make sure that both parents are not up through the night and “be rude” with your relationship. Your partner should prioritise their sleep when it’s “your night”. If they need to sleep on the ouch or another room, so be it.
After our baby was born, initially my girlfriend spend most time with our daughter. I did carry our baby around a bit, but did not really do any of the other things like feeding, cleaning diapers and such. My girlfriend seemed to really want to do these tasks, so I let her be.
When our daughter got a bit older, initially my girlfriend was annoyed that I didn't play much with our daughter. But I guess when the baby is still very small, it just something that is hard to do for me, perhaps because I am male. Children don't get that interesting for most men until you can more properly interact with them, from what I understand, so I shouldn't be an outlier here.
Once our baby could walk a bit and talk I would spend much more time playing with our daughter. And our daughter now much prefers to play with me compared with my girlfriend.
Nowadays (daughter 5.5 years old) I feel as my girlfriend still mostly takes care of the feeding and showering as well (though I am happy to shower our daughter if she asks for it, as she did like up until half a year ago). I spend a lot of time playing with our daughter each day. We both help her a bit with homework.
Now our daughter does tend to get sick a couple of times a year, so that can be a bit of a hassle. We both get a bit more easily sick now as well. I guess it got something to do with our daughter going to school now and getting germs and spreading those in our home.
Since I work at home, it can be a hassle to work at times, especially if our daughter has a day off from school. She wants to spend all day playing with me, while I try to focus on doing work.
It will be fine, especially if this is your first. The first 6 months to a year are the hardest. Once the baby is sleeping through the night, and especially once you start daycare, you will have a normalish schedule. You must conform to a very strict 9-5 style schedule for both work and professional development. This will force you to be productive during those hours and then hard-stop. Evenings will be a crapshoot. Sometimes you'll have the energy, mostly not.
The silence of your house. The silence of your mind. The sounds of just you and your spouse talking, eating, sleeping.
The silence you never hear after you have kids. Parenting is full of noise. From the second they wake up, to the moment they close their eyes at night. There's always something making a sound.
It's the sound of laughter, and sometimes tears. The sound of little feet running, and big feet stomping. The sound of dishes clattering, and laughter echoing.
It's the sound of life, and it's beautiful. So cherish the silence while you can, Because soon enough it will be gone.
I can tell you my experience.
The first 1 or 2 months are hell. If possible, take off the entire first month. "sleep deprivation" doesn't describe enough how things work. The first week we slept 2 hours IN TOTAL. Of course our first kid was particularly bad, the second one we were trained, so we actually started sleeping 8 hours starting from second day (baby slept in bed with us, so "waking up" for feeding, is not very impactful).
After the second month, depending how organized you are, it feels quite relaxing! Baby sleeps most of the time (she slept between my legs while I played videogames), of course every child is different, but you have free time.
After that, your free time will slowly drop to very little, until you get it back when they go to school.
I want to underline the point that aside from the first 2 months, which are extraordinarily, nature gives you time to adjust to a gradual reduction of your free time, so it won't feel that bad.
For learning, I used to be like you, now I still read about coding, but a lot less. It might be because of my work though, I'm learning a lot there, I don't feel the need as much as before. Either way if I have free time, I try to use it for myself. I need to cultivate my hobbies a bit and I really miss those if I don't find an hour or two throughout the week.
That's it. Sounds painful, but as I said, nature gives you gradual adjustment.
You learn a lot of skills useful when managing other people, by being a parent!
"I had plenty of happy times before I had kids. But if I count up happy moments, not just potential happiness but actual happy moments, there are more after kids than before. Now I practically have it on tap, almost any bedtime."
This to me sums it up very well. Yes,parts of me miss the things I could do earlier. But as with all things in life, is this change a net positive in terms of happiness? "It very likely will be" - has been my experience thus far. My child, still a toddler, continues to be a suprisingly reliable source of happiness and laughs, well into their 6th year. [touches wood].
b) I had a fairly strong attachment to my wife/best friend as I do today too. However, pregnancy, and having a kid reduces your partner's influence on your happiness funnel. They are , for very good reason, less available during the first year of the child's growth.
I would thus highly emphasize on diversiyfing your sources of happiness ( with hobbies, men's night out etc) - otherwise, like I saw, there will be a quick fall in happiness levels in the initial few months.
* Definitely lost a lot of sleep in the early months due simply to how often the baby needed food. This does start to taper off eventually, but whether or not they will sleep through the night is a coin flip for a long time.
* If this is your first, and your partner is in the picture, I actually think that free time can generally still exists. I think I read more books, played more games, and wrote more in Baby 1 Year 1 than I did the year before due to the fact that we were stuck at home a lot more. My advice to try and preserve that time is to establish early a policy of trading off "baby time". In the early months maybe it is sleeping shifts (Person A goes to sleep real early then wakes up at 1AM and is on "duty" while Person B is on "duty" until midnight and gets to sleep in). And then as they start sleeping longer swap off who puts the baby to sleep.
* I have found that the biggest change is in the period after work ends and until they go to sleep. As they get older it just turns into a massive list of "I have to do this" during those hours. Whereas before kids that was a very unstructured time
* For mine the free time crunch was actually the worst in the 2-4 timeframe because they are old enough to be bored, too young to always entertain themselves, and are in constant need of assistance with life things like eating, drinking, being read to, etc.
One of the biggest things that having kids did for me was cause a "hobby triage" where many of the things I was doing had to be re-evaluated to allow for time to do the things that gave me the most joy. I don't binge watch as much TV, watch as many movies, or play a 1/10th of the video games, but I can still focus on the things that bring me the most joy and satisfaction.
For me the first few months were easy and the hell started a year in when one of you is sick almost every week and you have to deal with a kid in lots of pain who won't settle and can barely swallow food. I like to say I've got a many 5min intervals available now as before the baby - they just don't come in long blocks anymore. But - I'd recommend assuming that the next couple of months you'll not achieve anything and you'll be busy and tired the whole time. (If you're not, that's a great bonus)
3-4 weeks after the baby was born, we were going out to eat, mainly family-friendly restaurants at first. We also traveled frequently both by car and plane.
I would say, having a baby didn’t take away too much of our sleep and we didn’t slow down much at all. It helped that we had a happy, relatively quiet child, though she could occasionally scream with the best of them. Overall, a child brought great joy to our lives, which vastly outweighed any negatives.
Congratulations and remember to enjoy every minute of the experience. Before you know it, they’ll be a teenager. Then the fun begins… ;)
Enjoy these first few weeks and months. Take all the parental leave you can. Maximize the amount of time you spend holding, playing with, and talking to the child.
Do it for you, because you will always remember these days.
Do it for the child, because their brain is developing very, very rapidly at this time, even if you don't see much evidence of it. The time you spend with your child now will have benefits for the rest of his or her life. (You won't have time to read books, but if you do have a look at "What's Going on in There? How the Brain and Mind Develop in the First Five Years of Life".)
A few days from now, programming will seem a lot less important.
For example, I'm now training for a half marathon and learning a new programming language while parenting two small children. I never achieved such things while childless.
Similar with work, I used to be a long hours worker, I now get, hmm, 90% of the work done in 75% of the time.
So, yes you'll have less time, it will be tough in many ways, but that doesn't necessarily mean it will suck left right and centre. It will be different.
It doesn't have to be as bad as you describe it, you need to communicate with the mom and agree on responsibilities. If you're providing and need time to keep up to date (so that you can have a career progression and provide even more), make it clear.
If you're both working, I doubt it will work. You're either going to hate each other, cannibalise both careers or not dedicate enough time to the kids.
After 3 it's easier as nursery / school give you some extra alone time - at that point I'd consider switching back to two workers in the family.
Easy. :)
The first two years are different for everyone and change every few months so just try to accept and experience it.
Here's the same comment I made to another guy five years ago: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=15800558
I noticed at first with my arms. My kids would cause them to go numb, cramp up, etc when they would fall asleep in them. It was painful, obviously, but I just didn't care that it was like I would have before being a parent. Before, oh this would have been a big deal. Somewhat normally I think, once I became a parent, my worries and pain levels just dropped away without me noticing. Like, I'd do anything for my kids, but it's not really all that voluntary anymore. I just will, end of story, my higher order functions aren't all that involved, it's more primal and deeper in my brain and psyche that this self-sacrifice comes from. And as such, I just don't care that I get no sleep.
Also, congratz! When it comes to the impending labor of your partner, just remember to be there and hold her hand and tell her she's amazing. Nature is going to take it's course, it's really something to witness. Your partner will do things that you didn't think were possible. Also, you're not going to get any sleep in the hospital either, especially after birth. There are SO MANY tests they run. Make sure to take notes on swaddling too.
It's going to be tough (in a way), but skip to the end for the good news.
Small children are completely dependent on adults. Most of their needs can't be skipped or postponed according to your schedule, so there's that. Children are hungry or need a nappy change, it can't wait. So most things will revolve around that.
Children get sick (and that's natural). Their immune system is learning, so they catch many things and need trips to the doctor, night nursing, lots of crying, etc. Fortunately, with modern medicine most things aren't dangerous, but it will tire you physically and mentally.
Children need stimulation. Believe me, playing games, teaching them, tickling their intellect will pay off hugely. I alway resisted the temptation of just giving them a tablet with flashy images or turning on the TV. This will probably remove any "spare time" you have, but make them curious and stimulate the imagination, you will definitely see incredible results in a couple of years.
Now the good news, for the people that have a healthy relationship, atter as little as 3 or 4 years, you will get your best little buddy. When you start sharing inside jokes, when you can discuss the plot of your favourite cartoon, when they say "I love you", it will bring tears to your eyes. It's an incredible feeling.
Do you live close to other family? That extra support has helped me a lot. We moved to be closer to family some time ago in anticipation of having a baby.
Once the kiddo starts getting into a predictable sleep routine, things start feeling better.
I personally really like working from home with a new baby. The child care burden is always on another adult besides me during the workday (which is important), but I can step in on my breaks or be an extra set of hands for five minutes when the other person needs to go to the bathroom or whatever. I think I personally would be upset if I had to go into the office and couldn't be nearby. But that's subjective. And I'm blessed with a good support network with several close family members who love this baby, too, and are eager to help. Having that extra support has made it enjoyable, whereas I can imagine things playing out differently and me being much more upset and stressed.
I have a 20 month old boy, and just found out we're having a second (boy) next February. Plus, to make things interesting, I'm 55, but very fit.
I think the first few months are the hardest, esp. given what you're saying. The reason I think that is because you do have to make a big adjustment on all your time, not just sleep. Meaning, for the most part, you will have very little 'me time' now, and it's important to establish some free time of your own. I remember being in a bit of a daze as I worked though, and I did fall into the mental track of 'well my life is over now, better not even think about working on that novel again for 18 years'. The good news is that you will get through this and realize that it's all about time management and how / when you can do your own things.
For me that's an hour workout in the day when I can work it in, usually lunch (I work remote). Or I get up a little early and take care of whatever person project I'm working on, code, writing, music, etc.
It doesn't so much matter what you do, as long as you set some time aside to do something for you.
I'd also try to establish one night out with the boys, but this can be tricky. For me I've always played hockey and run the team I'm on so that's my 'night out with the boys'.
Your free time will be minimal and your sleep will be disrupted. The sleep issues largely resolve after the first 6-12 months. But the need to structure your life around the needs of your child will remain to a greater or lesser extent forever. But your life will change in ways that you can't possibly anticipate and if you're open to whatever happens, the surprises can be a source of great joy.
Not long after my daughter was born, 14 years ago, I completely left my career. We had saved a lot and didn't need two incomes. I stayed home with my daughter. Because she showed a lot of musical talent early on, I became a homeschool teacher and full-time caregiver so she could practice. Next week she is heading off to a full-time arts boarding school as a violin major.
I (mostly) enjoyed what I did for a living, and I enjoyed my extra-curriculars. But pivoting to looking after her needs has been infinitely more gratifying. So I guess I'd say, be open to a path that looks completely different that what you can see down the road right now.
I can't answer properly given that I have never worked professionally as a software developer (yet), but I have learned to code while (and partially motivated due to) my second son being born, while holding a full-time job as a construction worker.
Time and sleep you will have available for yourself is quite relative and depends on your child. There are babies that sleep less and babies that sleep more, but in general, a well fed baby who feels comfortable in his environment will sleep most of the time and thus not demand that much attention, specially during the first months. What happens a lot is that they sleep for 30~40 minutes and then demand attention, and go back to sleep again. It is something you can manage, specially if you are used to work for short bursts of time and rest (e.g. Pomodoro technique).
You can also learn tricks on how to make the baby sleep and sleep better, and with time you will learn things that work with your baby. You can also negotiate with your partner if you feel that you studying is important, specially if you are the bread winner.
It was a role I could half-ass on my part and still look like I was full-assing it to the customer :) Did wonders for my mental health, I could come to work after 3 hours of sleep and still look like I was productive, even though I dozed off/zoned out multiple times during the day.
Other random advice:
- Take turns with the kid, one takes the evening/night shift other takes the morning shift. Of course there are things only the mother can provide, but you do the rest.
- Like someone else said, you don't have hobbies any more, maybe gym/walk/run for your mental health.
- Online multiplayer games are out, just play stuff you can pause at any time.
- If you live in a civilised country that allows for parental leave, use ALL of it. If you can work remotely, do it.
- The best time is when the kid can't move on their own, they just look cute and the amount of worries in the world is hungry-hot/cold-tired. The worst time is when they start moving around, an inquisitive kid will find the weirdest places and will pull at stuff at FULL POWER before you can intervene. =)
So my advice is this: Don't be unfair to your wife and think about her career sooner than later. Having kids is the number one reason why women earn less and there's often no way to catch up until retirement. So the sooner she gets back into a full-time job the better.
It's not about the things this thread suggests. Having a good time with the kids is important, yes. But this is quality time, anyway. The mother will also enjoy it. It's about all the rest. Doing the laundry, going grocery shopping with the little ones, cooking, doing the dishes, etc.
Also give her time for herself. If you're in a job, you have a large part of your day talking to adults. Mothers of young kids don't have this opportunity, so give her some time without the kids where she can do whatever she wants.
Congrats!
>I'm told that I'm going to have no time any more and good sleep is a thing of the past.
My daughter is awesome and is rarely a problem. She was a great sleeper. Yet this is true. Currently going on like day 8 of fevers and multiple doctors saying nothing.
>I'm worried, I don't work well when tired.
Me neither, I find meditation helps a ton.
>I'm just starting to get in the habit of investing in myself as a developer and am reading a lot, practicing a lot. This has made me, in my estimation, a much better programmer. Does this end when you have kids?
For 3 years so far yes.
>What was it like for you out there that have gone through this change in life?
When I was researching how to dad. 5-6 years is what they say, then school, friends, etc will be what saves you. You then get to do adult things.
Here's the thing, all this is not a big worry at all. Its other things you dont expect to happen that will get you.
Your spouse will suddenly not want sex anymore. I thought it was a trope/cliche but it's true. I dont know about you but in a monogamous romantic relationship, sex is the first and most prominent indicator for health of relationship. No sex means something is very wrong.
The one that really gets me. We were at my sister's for a party and I was inebriated for sure. I went to play with the kids instead of sitting around with adults, I dont know, talking bullshit. I had like 6 kids playing with me in the sand. My spouse comes up to me and says she cant trust me to be alone with our daughter. I still cant figure out why. Yet here I am alone with her every day for hours and nothing ever goes bad.
Second, a lot of the comments here are giving parenting advice which you didn't ask for. Freely ignore all of it! Figure out what works for you and your partner. Every baby is different, and the most important thing is that you and your partner are on the same page and in agreement and are parenting together. For some parents, this means taking a back seat to what their partner wants to do, which is fine -- do what you have to do.
Third, prioritize sleep. You mention being worried about working when you're tired. You will be tired by default. You must rest. Don't fight it! Folks say "sleep when baby sleeps" but that's only half the story. Some other comments here mention that at least one parent should be fully rested as much as possible, and that is great advice. There's no point suffering together. Focus on resting, napping, whatever you need. If you don't get sufficient rest you're no good to anyone. Good sleep is certainly achievable. Good sleep for everybody all the time is unrealistic.
Fourth, there's mental exhaustion and physical exhaustion, and they are different. You will feel them differently. You have a wonderful hobby already and it will help you. Focus on physical rest first, and then the reading and practicing will help you unwind.
Software development is one of those professions where you're never really off the clock, as thoughts creep in constantly. This is a superpower if you wield it correctly.
Be selective about what you sacrifice, but health (physical and mental) are the foundation for everything else, so do whatever you can to keep (or improve) those. If there's steps you or your partner can take right now in those areas, do so.
1: get a baby bay. I cannot over emphasise how good this is. You can sleep next to baby without worrying that you are going to crush it so you get much better sleep. And once it’s feeding time, boobs out feed, sleep, easy. I’m on my third kid and the baby bay was the game changer.
2. Don’t feel bad about the whole “sleeping though the night” thing. The study that said kids do this had a VERY narrow definition of sleeping through the night (midnight to 4am) and most of the kids then didn’t continue to “sleep through the night”.
3. Once it is appropriate to stop feeding at night (I forget is it 1 year?? 9 months???) then do that but still give baby water. They will start to sleep through completely once they don’t need to feed.
4. Don’t believe any of that Victorian BS about baby needing to “self sooth”. Kids thrive when they feel loved and protected. Let them sleep in your bed for as long as they want like they do in east Asia. Being safe and secure at night helps them feel confident in the daytime
"I'm just starting to get in the habit of investing in myself as a developer and am reading a lot, practicing a lot. This has made me, in my estimation, a much better programmer."
What are the practices that gave you the biggest benefits?
Your partner and you are about to morph as significantly as a caterpillar.
Be aware of the fact that you learned how to be a parent in a com-plete-ly different way than she. Different rules, assumptions, roles, implicit and explicit.
This, I think, is part of why many marriages fail after having kids. Both parents feel the absolute burden of being a Good Parent, but both have completely different interpretations of what that means.
Get counseling early. Talk, talk, talk. Check assumptions. Be loving and kind to yourself and her when you are too exhausted to talk. Yes, go to bed angry. Knowing that in the morning you will be rested and able to discuss whatever angred you with a clearer head.
Be aware of the fact that you are becoming butterflies.
Oh, and yes. My brain did turn to mush for the first three years or so. I was a zombie at work.
The good news is that it tends to improve in increments of about two weeks for those first two months. Then their eyes can start tracking things, including you, and you’ll get acknowledgement and a smile and it becomes so much more rewarding.
In terms of free time, communicating with your partner is going to become critical. Stuff like, “Hey I could use a few hours on Saturday to just write some code/play a video game/go to the gym” will probably require you to allow your partner to have a similar block of free time on another time, but it becomes something you just schedule and execute on like many other things in your life.
Having kids is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And it’s the most fulfilling thing I’ve ever done. It’s exhausting and expensive and terrifying and messy and exhausting, but I wouldn’t ever give it up.
Whatever I thought “joy” felt like before kids… wasn’t it.
Spend more time on my phone though, due to the opportunity cost of doing anything except reading books(now web serials) in short bursts.
Harder to be spontaneous about weekends now, have to plan things out more because of all the work in taking small children out for the day.
My wife and I have strong opinions on different kids shows.
Two pieces of advice: Once they're on solids, brush their teeth twice a day. If they haven't spoken more than 5 words in their first 18mo, ignore everyone saying "they're just slow talkers, it's fine" and take them to a speech therapist. If you don't need it, awesome. If you do, early intervention has more impact.
I have one. I don’t know how people have more than one. The first several months are hard, especially is your wife is up every four hours for feeding and pumping milk. It gets better when the baby can eat other foods and sleep through the night.
You do not appreciate how much time and freedom you used to have. You will find yourself far less mobile and flexible.
Okay. Now that I’ve said that stuff: There is a tremendous joy that comes from seeing your kid do new things that everyone does. I was just commenting to my wife that it makes me super happy when my child successfully poops in the toilet. That sounds ridiculous, until you live for years without it.
Kids can bring you a lot of joy. I encourage you to enjoy it, and hope it is fulfilling for you.
But it's lovely. Spend the time with your kids so that they end up becoming people you enjoy spending time with.
- Understanding your time horizon just went from weeks/months to "today" for all definitions of "today" for awhile
- Boot Camp for New Dads (https://www.bootcampfornewdads.org/)
- Night nannies (~10 weeks)
- A Doona stroller
- Mom's On Call (book) - my daughter was sleeping 630pm-7am at 3.5mos
- Silver nipple cups (cracking/chafing = bad)
- Slumber Pod (for travel)
- Nest cameras (and a travel wifi hub like GL-MT1300 that acts as a wifi<>wifi bridge)
And at least in CO, daycare waitlists are a real thing. At 6 mos prego we were told we were late to register.
Lots of good advice in the thread, so allow me to write the only thing I haven't seen yet: remember that your wife/girlfriend (assuming you are the male of a MF couple) is having it harder than you. You don't have to breastfeed, your genitals or belly are not wounded and scarred, you don't have hormones ups and downs. Please have patience with her.
Sleep was impacted for sure, but I worked together with my wife to reduce the impact. I've heard of couples that, for instance, both wake up for feedings at night. They deserve the pain it causes. Don't do stuff like that. Be practical. Naps and time away from the child for both parents is critical.
The things I gave up (internet, movies, reading, learning, working fewer hours) were not as valuable as what I gained.
"I'm told that I'm going to have no time any more and good sleep is a thing of the past."
This is accurate, but you won't really get it until you're in the midst of it and you realize there is no way out. Your life will be very different from now on.
The most important advice I have for you right now is make sure you and your partner know you are a team. You will both be going through a difficult transition. Forgive them for everything you can and hopefully they can forgive you for everything they can.
Communicate with your wife, don't waste time, and tag her out when feasible, or else this generates resentment.
Well I don’t think anyone does… but yeah it’s exhausting. I hope you get lucky. I am only just recently starting to not get woken several times a night every night… for more than two years. It’s a couple months now: I still don’t feel _rested_ but I’m not as deprived as before. Other than sleep he is 100% great kid.
But I've lost so much executive functioning.
I read a lot of parenting-related subreddits now, likely because I'm not close friends with anyone else with kids.
The old me died when they were born. I grew to accept that pretty quickly.
It's not easy, but it's not bad. The first year was really hard and sleepless, though. It's probably a lot easier with just one baby.
I wouldn't go back for nothing. I've never wanted to.
I wish I had cherished my time with them even more, especially the younger they were.
After many years, the old me has started to return and I have a little time for hobbies again.
Now I can share my hobbies with the kids.
You will have to prioritize your efforts and date night might be on the chopping block early.
Make time to invest in that relationship too, because you need each other and because both of you deserve it.
Then you'll probably need to take off at least 4 months until their sleep cycles stabilize, if you're lucky and are good with sleep discipline. OR if you have someone else that can take care of that. You didn't mention your full situation.
For me my work def suffered in terms of time spent on deliverables. That said I didn't miss any deadlines.
The only thing more stressful than your first is twins as your first.
After kids: jealous of others laying on their couch
All jokes aside, congrats. You’ll figure it out.
When the baby is finally born, you (the dad?) be sure to sleep well those first 24 hours in the hospital. Once you are home, a lot of work will fall on you as you will caring for both the baby and the mom. Good luck.
The first 3-4 months involved the least amount of sleep, especially for my partner, who was breastfeeding. Babies that young need to eat every ~3h, but what they don't tell you is that they can take 30-45m to eat, so really it's ~2h at a time that you get between feedings, and in that you need to try to do basic taking-care-of-yourself stuff plus sleep. Getting some help, if you can manage that (whether family or paid) can be really helpful, especially once you can do a feeding or two with saved milk or formula, letting the other person/both of you sleep for longer stretches. We moved our kid to the room next to ours about a month in, though with the doors open, and that made it a bit easier to sleep too (for the first few months they always cry when they wake up, so you instantly know when something's up, but you don't need to lie awake listening to every weird noise, and they make plenty of those). Hopefully your workplace gives you most of this time off -- there's a reason 12 weeks should be the absolute minimum parental leave.
After ~4 months, well, I'm a very strong believer in sleep training as soon as you think the kid can handle it. Ours cried on an off for a couple of hours the first night (but not in distress, just complaining; by that point you learn to recognize the difference), ~10m the second, and has been sleeping ~12 hours a night (7-7) since then (been waking up every 3 hours to eat beforehand). Every kid's different, but based on my friend circle, while the exact sleep schedule differs, this does not seem particularly rare. We also hired a nanny because both of us had to go back to work, and that's further freed up our time -- now the kid wakes up with us at 7, the nanny comes at 8-9, stays until 5-6 (depending on our schedules), and then it's just the family until bedtime.
Once the kid starts sleeping through the night, you start catching up on sleep too, and any time they're asleep is your own. Maybe you have to do a bit more cooking or washing up, and certainly there's more on your mind, but mine's almost 2 and at least up to this point, I don't feel that I've had to "give up" hobbies, nor that I'm not as good a developer. And I get plenty of sleep.
Yep, my career has taken a nose dive since having a kid. I've gone from a high performer to a low performer. I have given up some hobbies and have limited time for others.
To be honest I didn't feel as deep of a connection for the first months, when the baby is very much into the mommy.
Hearing "daddy" for the first time, though...
- Each baby is unique so whatever others said might not make sense to your case
- Sleep: Yes good sleep is a thing of the past, you would be lucky if you can grab a full 6 hours. The problem is that even when babies can sleep tight for 10 hours, they start their sleep too early so the best you can get is around 6 hours of full sleep. The first year is the worst so eventually you will get accustomed to it.
- Time: Well it depends. If you are the primary caretaker (basically means you sleep with baby) then yes, you will have very little time to yourself. My wife sleeps with baby so she has very little time and I don't think it's going to change in the near future. Basically, my recommendation is to mentally accept that you are going to have ZERO HOUR for hobbies and such for the first few years, and then you will feel a lot better when you actually do have a couple every day. Lowering the expectation is the key to a happier life. Also, sometimes you do have time, but you have NO energy.
- Depression: It's a real thing. I'm sure I'm depressed because I'm way more easy to get irritated after than before. Not sure if it's going to be your case though, again every family is unique.
- Efficiency: As others said, you will become more efficient, because you have to. A lot of things have to give way and the best way is to do them efficiently.
- Health: It's probably too late now, but I'd advise you to exercise as much as you can before the due date. Losing sleep + everything else create a lot of issues with my health. I was never allergic to anything but this year I was suddenly hit with a half-year long allergic session. Some days feel so bad that I have to take a sick day. My back is also suffering from holding the baby for too long. Basically, expect that you are going to suffer some weird illness in the first few years if you do not have excellent health.
- Relationship: If you are the husband, expect your wife to be further away from you from now on for an indefinite period of time, maybe until the kid leaves for college. I think it's just hormone. The moment my wife gave birth to the baby, I realized that she changed significantly. She now has a new purpose that is going to override everything including her own life. So expect relationship to slowly go away (and I have a hunch that it has a lot to do with men's mid-life crisis).
- Overall I'd say it's not a good experience for me. Yeah for sure the baby is cute, but cuteness does not override everything I lost. Hell no. And there is going to be more trouble (or learning experience as others say).
after: not entirely my own anymore. others hold a substantial chunk of it as a priority.
really thats what it renders down to.
My wife can go to sleep early but I am a bit of a night owl, so what worked for us really well for our second kid in the first 3 months was she would feed him and put him down in the slumberpod and I would watch the kid and work. When the kid woke up after 2-3 hours I would take him upstairs to feed and go to bed and the wife would take over. She got a solid 2-3 hours to begin the night so was much better rested vs the first kid and I was only getting mildly disturbed when she fed the kid in bed vs being woke up like I was for the first kid so the six solid hours I need weren't as disturbed as with our first kid. by month 4 the kid would only need 1 or sometimes 2 feedings so we switched to her taking him up feeding him and they both sleep and I would just sneak in around 10:30. kid would often sleep till 2-3 am before waking.
Contact napping and baby wearing can be helpful to keep your baby happy and sleeping well. Skin to skin contact has benefits for months. I do not do well on little sleep. For the first, I avoided cosleeping until around 4 months because I was worried about SIDS. Co-sleeping following the University of Notre Dame's Mother Baby Sleep Lab recommendations helped me stay rested through night feedings and sleep regressions [1].
Probiotics can help mitigate colic, which is associated with sleep problems, which are a risk factor for developmental and behavioral problems later on [2]. b. infantis is missing in the microbiome of 90% of infants [3]. It's needed to digest the oligosaccharides in breast milk. Feeding b, infantis EVC001 to breastfed infants has been shown to reduce markers of chronic intestinal inflammation by 98% during the first two months of life. The microbiomes of babies are colonized with bifidobacteria in the first days and weeks after birth [4]. Evivo is a company that sells this strain. L reuteri has been shown to help with colic [5].
Taking advice from those emphasizing parenting where both parents share equally in all duties led me to feel like I was doing something wrong as the person who did most feeding and night waking. This works better for us. EEG monitoring has shown that women respond differently than men to infants crying. My husband does not wake in response to the baby crying and has trouble staying up when woken. Do what works for your family.
There is value in all caregivers being able to soothe and feed a baby. It's important to understand what your partner is doing because you both will probably feel like you're doing 60% of the parenting. Relationships can be challenging with a new baby. John Gottman's Bringing Baby Home was a helpful resource for me.
2. https://bmcpediatr.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12887...
3. https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-020-80583-9