First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

Find a way to spend quality time with your partner. Once the dust has settled try to book some time where it's just the two of you. Get a babysitter and go out together one night in the week.

Often you're so focused on the baby that years can go by until you realise you've ignored your relationship and then it can be very hard to fix or get back to some normal / happy state.

Same for your regular friendships. Maintain them. The other day someone asked me to name my 3 best friends and all I could come up with was people I knew years ago that I barely speak to anymore.

For me that was the main problem. The kids slept relatively well, ate ok, didn't get sick very often. But they still take up so much time that it's easy to forget about everything else.

I'm sure some of this was already mentioned, but here it goes...

Read to your children. We set a goal of reading 100 novels to our daughters. We're at #80 and the girls are 13 and 11.

Create some traditions. Whenever either of our daughters lost a tooth, I'd write a letter from the tooth fairy. The letters offered advice, humor, fairy "facts" and even maps to buried treasure they could go dig up. In retrospect, I wish I'd done more creative things like this.

Build things together. Teach your children to use their hands. Clay, crochet, knitting, model building, woodworking, papercrafting, LEGO, playing an instrument, gardening, etc.

Don't rush things. Your young child doesn't need that new gadget or that new app or that new programming language. Stick with blocks, trains, LEGO, puzzles, model rockets, art, dress up, books, etc. as long as you can.

Give your children their freedom and let them fail. Children shouldn't be shielded from the world or from not succeeding. With struggle comes growth.

Always remember, some days of parenting seem to drag on forever, but the years will fly by. Try your best to be present and congratulations!

Your partner is going to need support even if she isn't pushing for it and all seems well, if she's up all night at intervals feeding but you're sleeping well, eventually it becomes irritating. Be willing to do expressed milk or formula feeds in the night, deal with nappies / diapers willingly, make some time off for her by taking the baby out for long walks or car trips when it won't fall asleep etc.

It varies but doesn't be surprised if you don't really feel much about the new arrival until after a few months when it becomes clear there is actually a person in there. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.

Have another kid within 2-3 years. Over the next 16 years you as parents will have hours to yourself every day while the kids keep each other company. Single children spend many more hours a week lonely and the parents have to be their sole family play mates at the expense of their own pursuits, relationship & energy. Adults will never be as fun or engaging a playmate as another kid.

If you keep the gap within 2-4 years then the kids can both enjoy broadly the same activities and schedules. If you let the gap become wider than that, then their needs are too divergent to meet with the same activities. So each day, week & season ends up being more work & complexity.

In the weekends we have to wake up at 6am no matter what because that’s when our 4 yo wakes up. Meanwhile our friends with 2 kids: “sleep in until the kids start arguing“ We f’d it up, it seems so obvious, and we’ve only just realized. No one talked to us about this.

Don't worry if you think you are doing it 'wrong', you aren't - just because a book or person says that "the way to deal with x is y" doesn't mean it will work for your kid - everyone is different, and we're all winging it!

As others have said, make sure you carve out time for yourself and partner - I know it can be scary leaving them for the first time - but seriously, you both need it and it will only make it easier if you do.

Talk about how you are feeling, a lot of people will instinctively ask how the mother is doing (perfectly normal thing to do) but often forget to ask how YOU are doing - you are in charge of a life now, so your brain is gonna be going 100mph figuring out how it all fits together. Talk about it.

Don't buy expensive clothes for the first few years, its pointless. They will be destroyed or outgrown before the tags are off!

Remember, they have no reasoning skills or fear. They are a bundle of love that will be moulded based on your input. They will look to you to see how they should (re)act. If they fall off the sofa and are fine, you have 2 choices how you react. Choose wisely!

Oh, and get as much sleep now as you can, you're gonna need it (and won't have it for a while!) :D

Edit: Also, they are fast! Amazingly so! Once they start crawling, they can be in a different part of the house before you have finished that sip of coffee you just took! Magnetic cupboard locks are great at keeping hands away from things.

You will not get any sleep for a long long time. Our oldest didn’t sleep through the night until she was 7! The rest learned to sleep through the night much quicker, but still… get all the sleep while you can now. But, do keep in mind that this too shall pass. All of my kids are old enough that it has been years since I was last kept from getting a full nights sleep because of the kids.

Do not try to be quiet around the baby. People who have signs on their doorbells saying “please don’t ring, the baby is trying to sleep” make us shake our heads. They are clearly new parents who haven’t learned that the last thing you want to do is to train your children to only be able to stay asleep when it is absolutely quiet.

Prioritize your relationship with your wife or SO. The kids will move out eventually, but your wife will (hopefully) still be there. I know people who refuse to ever get away as a couple because one of them don’t want to leave the kids. Leave the kids with someone you trust and get away on a regular basis.

Great question. Read the answers but remember that it's wildly different for everybody. That said:

The life and death matters (sorry):

- Never shake your kid, ever

- Sudden infant death is partly genetic (not your risk/fault), but still: no toys, pillows, plush animals in the crib -> risk of suffocating

The luxury matters:

- Breastfeeding does make a difference. If you can manage, try to do it

- Don't worry. Whatever happens at any point, it's going to be very different soon. Your kid cries a lot / doesn't talk yet / is not dry yet? It will change soon and you'll forget that you even worried about it.

- Adding to before: Don't project into the future. What is now is not indicative of the future

- A lot of things are outside your control. Don't try to control them all, it only grinds you up

- Almost all your challenges are going to be emotional, not rational. Try to invest in empathy, care for all three of your family

- Music is magic. Sing for your kid. Don't worry, it doesn't know or care what good/bad singing is

- Body contact is magic. Hold your kid close to your skin as much as possible

- Some people think kids are inherently evil and need to be broken. Some people think kids are inherently good and need to be left to their own devices completely. Both are wrong: Kids need guidance but want respect.

- Take your kid seriously, always. Even as a toddler.

Obligatory medical stuff:

- The most frequent injuries are toddler fractures (careful with trampolines) and elbow subluxations. When you hold your kid's hand and they fall, try not to pull and twist the arm or the joint will pop out. If it does, don't worry, it doesn't hurt, but go see a doctor within a few hours to pop it back in. The longer you wait the harder it gets.

- If there's a fever and it's really tough, you can alternate ibuprofen and tylenol up to every 3 hours. Take care to use fractional doses by weight. Always have some sort of NSAID in your house.

That's a small selection. Maybe you won't encounter them, but maybe you will, and maybe they'll help.

Having a kid is a challenge, but it makes life much more.

The one thing I wish someone would have told me with my first is that it's OK if you don't feel an immediate connection or affection to your newborn.

I was expecting to immediately fall in love with the little bundle but his blank stare was a little creepy.

No one told me they don't smile or express any emotion, other than pissed off when they're crying. I was expecting him to smile and be happy when he saw me. When I picked him up, his face didn't change and he might as well have been looking at the wall.

Then about 3 weeks in, it happened. He did smile at me when I picked him up... or maybe it was just gas - either way, I didn't care. I was undone. I immediately knew I'd do anything for that boy. I loved my son.

Second one was easier, cause I knew what to expect but that first smile is still the absolute best moment being a dad.

They change your life. My pathetic selfish life was forever changed as I held that tiny, helpless baby. It's so worth it.

I have 7 kids, I work from home so I can homeschool them. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

In the newborn phase: sleep is hard. Mindfully try to get your sleep whenever possible. Long term sleep deprivation is really brutal on the body and mind.

In general: Kids thrive on consistency. If you're a gamer than think of it this way: You are now an NPC. Your role is to show up every day, keep them fed and healthy every day, give them their quests, and then stand back and give them the opportunity to be the hero.

Also a really specific tip I would give myself: Don't introduce iPads at all. I'm not against screens, I would just suggest bringing in more wholesome gaming like a Switch or 2DS or maybe even a Steam deck. The problem with the iPads (and Androids too) is that the App store is a dumpster fire of trashy microtransaction and lootbox based games, many of them deliberately designed to manipulate children. Hopefully a lot of those patterns are made illegal soon.

Learn how to properly install the car seat. Lots of places, including fire depts, have clinics and can check your work. Do this well before you go to the hospital. Last thing you want is to be fiddling with it and unsure as you head home

Learn how to fold and unfold the stroller. They seem easy, but most have a trick.

Do the night care if you can, especially in the early weeks. Let mom sleep as much as possible. Give her time to take a shower, have a nap, etc.

She's going to have "bad days" and snap/yell. Don't take it personally; her hormones are all over the place! See previous note about giving her time/space :)

You're going to dress/feed/play with the baby differently than she wants. It's ok. As long as the baby isn't too hot/cold the outfit doesn't really matter.

It really does all go by faster than you think it will... my first-born twins just graduated college after being born about 7 months ago :)

Bring a large water bottle to the birth.

Go to one of those newborn classes and learn how to change a diaper and swaddle at the minimum.

(If applicable) split the night into two shifts to maximize uninterrupted sleep.

Listen to your gut. You're ultimately responsible for your baby. If something doesn't feel right, then speak up and set boundaries with the other people in your life. Do it from the start, preferably. But if you get talked into something you later change your mind on, then say so and enforce those boundaries.

(If applicable) when you get back from the hospital, the mother will need a prescription filled. Bring her and the baby home, and then figure out all the prescription stuff that day for her. Read all of the doctor's orders and then later when she gets some rest, summarize them for her. (E.g. if she nurses, she may need to stop some prescriptions.)

1. Your life will be utterly transformed. My child has been a source of wonder and joy, but also immense challenge. Stop comparing to your previous life, you gotta dive into it.

2. Get fit. You'll likely end up needing to carry a lot of baby and toddler stuff for some time.

3. Grow your empathy muscle. It isn't easy being a newborn or a kid. There's so much they don't understand, get confused or frustrated about. So when they cry, tantrum or rebel, realize they're just trying to make sense of things but don't have the language or capacity to express them.

Be intentional on how you spend time with your kid, listen and observe them as away to connect.

4. Be intentional about connecting with your child. Some folks think there's this magical connection that exist the moment the baby is born. It wasn't the case for me. I wanted a kid but I had to intentionally understand and make that connection with my kid. For me, that meant talking to my newborn, pretending like she understood me, even if she's just a week old. See #3. re: building empathy.

5. Stay connected with you partner at all times. In the beginning, it'll be like hurricane ripped through your lives. In the beginning, staying connecting is making sure you know how to support her. End of the day, she has it tougher with you with all the body changes and breastfeeding demands (if she choose that) to do.

As you two figure things out, go from "all hands on deck mode" to being a pro at changing diapers, make time for connecting and learning to be a couple with a kid and without a kid (when you're kiddo is in daycare).

6. You're gonna buy a lot of baby stuff you'll end up not needing. It's fine, you're figuring this out by trying things.

7. Baby-led Weaning was amazing for us. No purees. No special "baby food". At six months, our kid ate with us on the table, same food as us. Really helps their independence, easier on groceries, and helps to bond eating the same thing together.

Some things I’d do again:

The amount of work in your life has now more than effectively doubled- find ways to remove load as quickly as possible . There are laundry, cleaning , food services etc and you should use them to the point of feeling guilty. My wife’s work gave her $4000 in meal kits for our daughters first year driven by her very hard-nosed boss (and former working mom) - we can all emulate her wise example.

Don’t be bullied by parents and family on kids. As others have said their advice is pretty limited to their experience and after a few days may be / may not be helpful. For me the biggest help of grandparents was in keeping the older kids occupied when new arrivals came.

Be careful around water. Accidental drownings are super easy with this set.

Some things I’d do differently :

Get work squared away so you can support mom. If she’s breastfeeding there’s a lot of load she’s going to bear and having work stuff interfere will make you tired and ineffective.

Sleep more. I’ve never been so tired as my first who refused to sleep consistently for three months.

Some super biased thoughts on stuff:

I get every new parent in my life a set of Aden and Anais Muslim swaddle blankets - family, friends , coworkers. Good swaddles make your life so much easier.

Start a college savings fund and tell everyone you’d prefer they contribute to that vs plastic junk. You might get a few takers on something with enduring value.

You are about to get a tsunami of useless crap from lots of well(?)-meaning people in your life. Keep a pretty clear shot for the useless things to go to donate or other parents. 80% of what you receive rounds to useless.

As a father of four (soon five) - resist temptation to buy gadgets (simple walkitalkies are ok), love your partner, tell her shes beautiful and sexy and not AT ALL looking like a whale (because thats what she thinks and its not true), dont be afraid to handle the baby (they are not made of china, really. You really need to screw up to hurt them and you WILL NOT).

Be prepared of sleepless nights (take turns when baby cries). Receipe for calming crying baby Check the nappy, if thats ok, its feeding time (if not medically impossible, prefer the real thing. There are helpers if it seems its not working. 99,9% women will have milk. You love titties, babies do too). If that does not help, just walk around and talk with it. Take turns.

Its not that complicated actually - gets harder when they learn to speak :D

Father of a 9-months old here. Here are two things I recently wrote to a friend who was in your position:

Choreography

I set up a nappy-change table that folds out on our bathroom wall. That was a bit of a coincidence but I am really happy that I put it there. It's the perfect spot with access to the sink, the washing machine and the nappy bin. It's worth thinking a bit about because you will be using it during the middle of the night, holding the baby with one hand and needing to throw out the diaper with the other, followed by cleaning up nasty stuff all over. And you will be doing this in a sleep deprived state, with a baby screaming into your ear, making it feel like a military stress test of sorts. The same applies to bottle routine -- if you are going to sterilize them, are they easy to get from there to drying to usage etc.

Stress

One thing that is at the same time super frustrating and a huge relief is that the stress keeps changing character. Every time you think you've found a routine, suddenly the trick that used to work for calming down now seems to do the opposite. But conversely, the thing that was the cause for tantrums is suddenly not a problem at all, and might even trigger smiles. I try to keep this in mind every time I do something for the 14th time that is really annoying.

Two kids, one in 89 and one in 92. Boys. Think we did a pretty good job.

Be kind, to the extent you can.

We all of us are human. You will lose your temper, you will embarass yourself in the grocery store. Forgive yourself and try to do better next time.

If your kid drops something and it breaks then being angry will make them more nervous and more likely to break it next time. Try to just acknowledge the error, say it is very little, and urge them to be a tad more careful next time. Of course, sometimes you will be angry. See the prior paragraph.

Remember Mr Rogers. Kids need to know they are loved and cherished. That doesn't mean giving them an award every time they clean their room -- they need to be responsible just like any other person -- but it does mean to try to be kind. If you are wondering whether you should say that you are glad you were able find the time together to play catch, then you should say that.

Breastfeeding doesn't necessarily happen automatically. It can take practice, time and effort for the mother and baby to learn how to do it. It is easy for the mother to get really frustrated, especially after surgery when she's in pain and sleep deprived. Do what you can to support her while she's figuring it out.

Breastfeeding is healthier and absolutely worth it, but don't be ashamed if you need to resort to a little formula sometimes. There's a weird, toxic culture that's grown in recent years where women are shamed if they formula feed, even if it's just as a supplement.

We've given birth at hospitals in 3 difference states, and in each one there was an uncomfortable tension between the lactation consultants and the doctors/nurses, who would often given conflicting advice. It took a couple of weeks for our first baby to learn how to nurse because he was in the NICU, so he had formula. The other two picked it up quickly, but we still supplemented with a little formula in the hospital the first couple of days because they lost too much weight (10%+) and were dehydrated.

Most of the lactation consultants we encountered were often scoldy, pushy and dismissive, and would treat my wife as a failure for allowing her kid to drink formula (even when the doctor strongly recommended it). It was really weird.

Make sure you (both) take enough time off. Find help so you can take at least one night out a week together. Everyone seems to have their own advice (e.g. literally had two nurses back to back give different advice...aka opinions), you've got to figure out your own, sometimes not perfect way. The kid will adapt, even when you make mistakes.

A lot of pediatricians seem incompetent. Double check their recommendations / work. e.g. "your baby didn't grow" -> "no, you weighted AND measured him wrong, do it again" -> "oh.". If you choose no circumision, American pediatricians seem to have zero idea what to do.

Monitors, we tried video + just sound monitors. Semi-obviously in retrospect, the video ones a) work less well b) take more of your focus. I've read the same about smart-monitors (no first hand), their unreliability ends up making things more stressful.

Stuff to buy for the start; wipewarmer (calmer changing time, as you don't put cold wetwipes on the baby), thermometer (for when you think they're too hot / cold constantly), tiny nail clippers or grider (as, their nails are sharp AF - cut you and themselves), if using formula a Baby Brezza mixer / warmer (it makes warm milk for you in seconds, rather than manually in minutes) + a bottle sterilizer to save time.

The days, weeks, and months when they are small seem to last forever. 18 years passes and suddenly they're an adult, and it's ... really not that long.

But for the time being:

* Sleep when the baby sleeps. Their schedule is not going to mesh with yours for a while, and you'll be sleep deprived.

* Every kid is different, and half of the advice you get will not work for your kid. Even with the same genetics, they're still different people.

* You will probably get very used to puke, pee and poo.

I'm 4 months in with my first kid. Here's what I think matters.

1. Organization is key. We meal plan for the week every Sunday afternoon. We both installed ToDoIst on our phones and have a specific list of tasks for every day of the week. We track our daughter's data using Huckleberry (great app) and it's helped us make sure her naps and feeding are on schedule.

2. Weekly retrospectives for the family make a difference. Both of you will have things that didn't go well. That stress you out. That aren't working. You need to have a safe time to raise them and work together to solve the problem. For us, that's usually adding a new weekly task to one or both of our ToDoIst lists.

3. Your relationship will suffer. You're both stressed out and lacking sleep. Forgive each other. Swallow your pride.

4. Read the AAP book on young children. Its 800 pages but the first few chapters are what matters. The rest is mostly a reference. (American Academy Of Pediatrics - Caring for Your Baby and Young Child)

Good luck. Its a journey.

Your life will be destroyed and you will become a slave to a helpless human. There is a significant chance that your relationship with the mother will be end within a few years.

You can build a new life with your partner and the helpless human but it will be very hard work, especially if your child arrives with health issues.

Existing parents don't talk about all of this to those who are not yet parents. It's a big, secret, suffering club.

Hopefully it'll all be worth it for you because you already bought membership of the club!

P.S. Read Brain Rules For Baby. I bought it based on a recommendation on HN a few years ago. It explains the early years using science. I recommend it to everyone.

- Being a mom is HARD. 1000x harder than you expect and 1000x harder than any job. A good dad can fill in for mom on ANY task on ANY day. Start learning what moms do early and fill in for them every chance you get. My motto was always "When I'm at work, we're both at work. When I'm at home, we're both at work."

- By default the working parent, usually the dad, is going to be out of the loop. The working parent must spend a considerable amount of time trying to be present and in the loop. Kids will not naturally care as much about the working parent unless they are around (and even then they'll still be at a disadvantage).

- You never need to yell at your children. Typically this signals a failure of some kind. Imagine yelling at work, at your wife, at your parents, etc being the right solution to some problem. In the early years, the best way to prevent your children from doing something you don't want them to do is not to put them in the position to do it at all - i.e. Don't give them room to fail. In the later years positive reinforcement is 1000x more effective than negative reinforcement.

- In the early years you're going to worry a lot about whether your causing forever damage by doing X rather than Y. Basically nothing you do in the first 1-3 years matters, so you can relax.

- If you can afford it, have one parent stay at home. It is by far the most harmonious arrangement. Running a household (chores, food, child planning, etc) is a full time job and having two working parents split that job is difficult, expensive, and assumes child-care provides as good of care as you yourself would provide to your own children.

- The first 3 years are by far the hardest. They are grueling. If you are planning on having multiple kids, get them all done with as soon as you can. Once they get older than 3 it is 1000x easier to manage and really opens things up out of survival mode.

It's a 25 year (minimum) project. Make decisions and guide yourself patiently by the project's end goal of creating an intelligent, appreciative, caring, contributive and tolerant human being into this world. But like any long-term project, enjoy the journey, smell every rose and every stiff guinea pig or floating celestial goldfish along the way. Don't panic and crash - nor get overly enthusiastic about - any particular moment or new behavior or trend. You discover that the parenting story is an accumulation of a thousand phases of development. These phases, especially early on, can last as little as a couple of weeks. At onset, they create much anxiety in the new parent. But have confidence that they will always change into something new either more or less pleasing/frustrating. Certainly agree with the excellent sentiments shared above, reading, creating traditions, traveling. But consistency of discipline, values and emotions will always win in the long-term project goal. Just please don't be another parent who thinks their kids are the best, can do no wrong, and coddles the living shit out of future megalomaniacs. Other than that, should be a cake walk.

Father of a one year old. Research and implement sleep training when the baby is 3 months old or so. We’re now the parents that put the baby down at 7:30 PM, walk away, and enjoy our evenings. The baby doesn’t get taken out of bed until 8 AM. Many of our friends have babies that need heroics to fall asleep and then they have to constantly wake up in the middle of the night to soothe the baby back to sleep.

For the birth, it goes slowly. Waters break but it's still quite a while before the kid comes. Don't panic and don't spend all your energy at once.

Don't hesitate to get a c-section. If you need it, ask for it. Both my kids would have died if it wasn't for that. It's completely routine for the doctor, I even heard them talking about their shopping while pulling out my daughter.

Father of 3 here; 1 year, 4 years and a 7 year old. I was also nervous about first kid, I only have few things. Every kid is different, but there are always some generic things to say.

Relax, kids mirror your emotions and can feel if you stress. Even if you are up mid night and are stress about sleep. Just take it easy. Kids don't do it to be mean. They don't have those kind of thoughts.

Kids are simple. They want affection, food and sleep. But they can't get any of it on their own. To begin with, they barely even know if they have feet and hands. So it's your job to help em out.

Babies can be crying or complaining for many reasons; Maybe something is itchy, they are hungry or need to poop. So relax, it's not always something bad. Give them some love, check their diaper, keep tabs on the time since last feed.

First time is always bad. First couple of weeks is just stress. You need to get into a new rytm, but it gets much much better after 2-3 months, where their stomach settles in, they settle in and you can start to enjoy it much more.

Father of five here. I don't have specific suggestions other than to realize that your life as you've known it up until now is forever changed. Life's greatest joys have come to me because of my children, but also my greatest challenges. It can be absolutely exhausting to feel such joy and such pain at the same time. It took me awhile to bond with each of my kids. That became much easier for me as they began to develop a personality and talk. And every one of my kids was a completely different experience.

Something I wish I'd learned much sooner: From birth, be unfailingly patient, warm, and loving with the little bugger, no matter how frustrated you might be feeling. Matter-of-factly communicating unhappiness with him* is fine, but never, ever get angry with him — when he's "misbehaving," talking back, etc., it's because his brain and its "programming" are still developing and he doesn't have nearly as much control as you might imagine, or as you think he ought to.

* Or her, of course.

Get a trusted, non-bossy friend who has a baby already. Use that person as a sounding board for questions or concerns.

The "relax" idea is easy to say, harder to do. Very important. Baby can pick up your vibe.

Longer term: The #1 best thing to give your child is to have a strong relationship with your partner. IMO, this takes a lot of work, especially if you were raised in a home without that. As much as education, safety, and health, this is the highest gift from parent to child...the capacity to have healthy relationships.

Second only to that is to earn respect from the child. Enforce boundaries and consequences ...lovingly. Learn how to fashion consequences to fit the crime.

Lastly, if you let your child learn how to divide and conquer parents, you are asking for mountains of conflict.

That it may really suck for the first year or two. You may not sleep much at all. Just know that you will get through it.

What I wish I did better is to sleep when the baby is sleeping and making that a priority in my life where possible.

For the day to day, simply being present. You’re going to want to be doing something “productive” given all the time being spent on your little one, but I do wish I spent much more time being present than putting a book or tv show on to decompress.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elimination_communication

Saw a reduction in crying at 9 weeks starting this. 2nd child was started immediately. Saved so much by avoiding diapers.

Spending more time outdoors makes it less likely the child will end up needing glasses. Learned that one too late.

Also, people carry their childhood experiences with them for the rest of their lives, and these experiences are shaping a lot of their adult behaviors. It’s sobering to think that we as parents are responsible not only for a slice of someone’s life but for its entire trajectory.

Not directly actionable but I would say very important: In the first year there is a major shift in priorities from yourself and as a couple to this new being in the mix. For my wife and I the lack of sleep, work stress and very little time to ourselves meant our relationship suffered. I would say with both our children, around the 9 month mark was probably the most difficult, with us at each other's throats a lot. The lack of sleep accumulated and made us quite irrational and short tempered. To add to this we uncovered that my wife's hormones were out of whack until 2.5 years after our 2nd child was born. In that time she dealt with depression and was generally the most unhappy I have ever seen her (which means that extended to me). Our youngest is now 6 and I can say things have been normal and wonderful for a couple years now. We have so much time available now for each other and of course for sleep.

I openly tell people about my experience because I have noticed so many friends and colleagues go through similar experiences. They all felt like they were the only ones and they felt like failures (as did we). When I think back it's quite normal to go through this when I consider what was happening in our world and the amazing changes that happened to my wife's body and mind.

There are no changing tables in the men’s restroom. Well, sometimes there are, but I can’t tell you how awful they are. Quite filthy and often in questionable mechanical shape… just keep telling your wife this. Have your fellow fathers tell their wives this.

For the first 6-9 months:

1. Get ready to survive sleepless nights and days and forget about your comfort. It’ll be like a full time job 24x7.

2. Get ready to reach unimaginable before zen master levels of acceptance, patience and emotional stability towards your baby and your wife (she’d better do the same).

3. Get ready to constantly have not enough hours each day to handle all the planned matters, and not enough time for yourself.

4. Get prepared to go to sleep early and to wake up much earlier.

5. Learn how to “train” a baby to follow regular sleep patterns and rituals. This will save you a lot of time and nerves.

6. Buy a good and big enough playpen to afford some relatively free time during the day and not worry about baby safety each second.

7. In doubts, follow your instincts as long as you come from love and good intentions for the baby (you probably are if you ask the question). Rather than some books, gurus, your parents or even HN :)

Parents (especially mother) have unique sophisticated connection with their newborn on many levels. Nobody in the world can know better what exactly your baby in each moment needs. Tune yourself to it.

After ~ 9 months you’ll feel some relief and should become an expert in your baby, so no more advice needed.

1. That children are 'babies' for all of a few months--then they're something different. And that cycle of having a 'different' child every several months continues the rest of their childhood.

2. You learn and become different at each of those stages, too.

3. There is no way to 'prepare' for fatherhood. It is utterly on the job training, and you just have to show up, do your best, and learn as you go.

The most important experience I had that you should know is that dads can get post-natal depression too. Nobody ever mentioned that to me and so I never knew what it was until much later. Thankfully it wasn't too late.

My wife and I took birthing classes, read a few books, etc. but nothing prepared me for the moment my first child was delivered. It was an almost indescribable experience where everything just…changed.

Patience. Remember you are both on the parenting journey together, but mothers and fathers will do things differently.

Take care of your partner. Postpartum depression is a very real concern and is difficult with new mothers already wondering if they are “doing it right.” She especially will get no shortage of advice. You and she know what’s best for your baby. And if you have a question, don’t hesitate to call your pediatrician or even the maternity ward.

As someone else said, make time for you and your partner. If you have family nearby, take advantage of that support system however you can. We moved away from all of our family and friends when we had two very young children, so if you are in a similar situation my first note about patience is even more important.

Finally, the cliché that kids grow up too fast is very true so enjoy the journey, embrace the mistakes. You only get to hold them for so long.

Anxiety, anger, and pain share some circuitry in the brain. If you're feeling like you're going to have a short-fuse (easily angered) day with your kid, pop one ibuprofen. I found it helped replenish the zen/chill reserves immensely when I really needed it. But watch your total consumption of all pain killers; they do cumulative damage to your liver.

I wish I had read Gabor Mate MD and Gordon Neufeld's book "Hold on to your kids"

Here's Chapter one from the book on their website: https://drgabormate.com/book/hold-on-to-your-kids/hold-on-to...

There is a window of time from ages 0 to 5 in which critical aspects of a child, their relationship to their parents and family, and the broader world are developed. Our western industrial culture does not support parents and families in their attempts to parent well during that window of time. In order to parent well then, you will most likely need to develop a counter-cultural lifestyle. This book can help you understand why that is important, and how you might do it yourself.

Parenting is a massive undertaking and an unparalleled joy. Congratulations!

If you're planning on being with your partner during the birth, remember your personal admin as well. 16 hours on your feet in a high adrenaline situation is easy to forget to eat and drink, use the bathroom etc until your body tells you enough is enough.. and that's usually just before your little bundle of joy arrives..

I have a 3 year old. Cherish waking up to rock your kid back to sleep. Don’t make your wife be the one to get up every time. I realized those special moments with my daughter staring up at me while I was rocking her back to sleep and singing to her would not last. She is too big to need me for that specific thing anymore but I’ll never forget staring at those cute little eyes as she was interpreting the world. Something so special about helping them relax enough that they close their eyes and go back to sleep while your holding them.

Also, don’t be like me and obsess over how these things won’t last to the point where you nearly can’t enjoy the moment. Life is freaking beautiful man, you’re about to find out a whole new dimension to this game. Congrats!!!

A few months after kiddo was born, partner and I started doing weekly “appreciation”/“retro” session. It’s like a low key date night at home. Fire pit, marshmallows, background music. We start with just appreciation for each other for things over the last week. Then. We move into what went well. And conclude with what could go better, and where we want to concentrate effort. This weekly ritual has been our best way to deal with all the changes.

after the first three sessions, it was clear sleep training was the biggest problem for us, and we had “data” to prove it. That led us to pediatrician appt which led us to Ferber method which worked miracles! for 3 months haha. I anticipate too many night feedings being the next retro focus.

They may want to give a new Mom a contraceptive shot. They may sneak it in even if you've vociferously refused. Our experience was that it drove my wife almost insane and severely damaged her bonding with our daughter. It was 8 months before the shit faded and she came back to herself.

If you plan to do the baby sling thing and keep your child with you as much as you can; start practicing wearing the sling (with weights) now, and work out the issues and accommodations when its not as critical if you drop things.

If you don't have a dog yet, adopt one. Raising puppies is a good lower impact introduction to the general field of "small mammal infant care"; and dogs and babies go quite well together in so many other synergistic ways.

When in hospital bring EVERYthing you'd bring on a trip + more. Due to lockdowns I was unable to get an Advil without being admitted to the hospital - which would separate me from the maternity ward. Refillable water bottle above all else.

The first 6-15 months are truly hell. Doctors call the first 3 months 'the third trimester,' which is apt because that baby could not be more livid about being pulled out of the womb. Go watch the Gitmo scenes in The Card Counter if you want an idea (mostly joking about that but it truly sucks).

But everything improves by .05% every day from day one and eventually (around 12 months for us) you look around and realize that you've entered the greatest time of your life.

But those first months suck.

Make sure your kid knows what's the normal level of noise around the house.

When you put them for a nap, don't be intentionally way too quiet. Just make normal noises. When it's bedtime, it's OK to watch movies at the normal volume. They'll get used to it.

They'll even get used to it still in utero. Our dog used to bark a bunch and did so while my wife was pregnant. Never fazed the kid even once when they were born. Not even if the dog barked at the doorbell or something literally next to their face.

Other dogs though, that got a response. But us watching movies or the dog barking was stored as "normal noise, no need to worry" in the brain.

1. Your child will be a mirror of oneself. Character traits (both positive and negative) will get back to you somehow. This also means that the example you give will have a profound impact the first few years 2. Accept that going to the movies, friends or restaurant spontaneously is out of the question. 3. Accept that some friends who you consider closest won't accept or understand the fact having children means [2] is not possible anymore (or at least not that easy) If you have a tendency to FOMO in a large social circle you're about to enter a world of pain.

Always remember that you are raising a person, a child shouldn’t be considered your private property. They will be their own beings and you are just here to protect them until they can care for themselves.

Try to help out as much as you can. There's a lot of pressure on new moms to do everything right, that she should just know what to do. She'll be physically exhausted from feeding and lack of sleep, not to mention emotionally exhausted. Whether you can help out with the baby, or just take over more of the other responsibilities (cooking, cleaning, etc.), or get more help with those things.

You might like to ask family to visit and help. It might bring you closer.

Take as much time off as you can. It's a really sweet time to bond.

As itsmemattchung pointed out, I bet there are cultural differences. Having two children who are now "adults", I would offer thoughts (and I am a strange being for sure).

I was not a helicopter parent, but certainly more protective than my parents. How many scrapes, stitches, and broken things I had, I can not even count. My children, zero. But I feel in a way I was/am much more fearless than my children.

Money, money, money money... money. I do not know your financial position, but it takes a lot of money to raise kids. I would advise to not worry about it in front of them, or make it a topic in front of them (except for learning events like saving, not overspending, etc). However, START SAVING NOW. Bills fall out of nowhere all the time for the kids.

Be nice. Never ever hit them for discipline. I spared the rod, and we have wonderful, thoughtful, kind children. My parents beat the crap out of me. I am not better for it.

Let them figure out what interests them, BUT, encourage them to master something they like. Few kids truly master things, or keep doing them for a long time. I think this is getting lost in society today. Encourage but do not force.

Let them explore in the sandbox of discovery that is life. The news is full of death and destruction, but the odds are low. They want to ride their bikes out, let them. Exploration will teach them their own internal boundaries.

That is probably enough blabbering on my part. You know what I really learned? That I don't know a damn thing about life.

Father of a 13 month old here.

Couple things:

1) I feel like I was extremely well prepared for how to handle a baby - but I wasn't prepared how much this was going to affect my relationship. People generally don't mention it - but I feel like going throught the stress of living with an infant puts an enormous negative pressure on a relationship(it did for me). Things which normally wouldn't have bothered either of us, have erupted into full on arguments because we were both so tired. We're good now(or better at least) but yeah.....at least try to remember that both of you are going through this together and no, your partner isn't leaving out dirty bottles on purpose.

2) if the baby isn't sleeping through the night by 6-8 months, pay for a sleep consultant. That's what we've done, it was the best spent money in the world, I'd pay 10x as much as we have. Our baby boy was waking up literally every hour at night from 4 months of age until 8 months, I think we were on the verge of going mad, it was completely unsustainable. After a 2 week training session with a consultant he started sleeping through the night, now sleeps solidly from 7pm till 5am(which is fine with us).

Dad of 4 (including a very recent-born (1 May)):

- you don't need as much stuff as you think - diapers, a handful of outfit changes, wipes, car seat, sleeper/bassinet/thingamabob

- if you're formula-feeding, buy more than you think you need, and plan to get no sleep (since you'll be co-feeding with your wife

- if you're breastfeeding, support your wife since she's gonne be TIRED all the dang time!

- spend as much time as you can with the kiddo! They'll never be 1wk, 1mo, etc old again; time doesn't reverse; work/hobbies/facebook/etc will be there tomorrow (or it didn't matter in the first place)

- take pictures that include mom! She's taking pictures of baby ... make sure you photo her!

- corollary to above - put your dang phone down! They're only this old once - and they expect (and need) absolutely-constant eye-contact while they're awake!

- change diapers - it's messy, icky, blecky, and yuck! Do it anyway!

- laugh, sing (even if you're woefully off-key), and tell stories to your new one! They don't know you're doing it "wrong"! Do it anyway!

Start therapy or some sort of personal coaching the moment your child is born and keep doing it regularly.

Every session has made me a better parent, sometimes because I learned something explicitly about parenting, but more often because I suddenly resolved some deep dysfunction that had made life unreasonably difficult.

I only figured this out 9 years in and I regret not starting earlier for my and my kids' sakes.

There is a lot of good advice here, and there is some elsewhere on the internet, but the big thing for me to figure out was that it was up to myself and my partner to figure out what works.

A good example that will be relevant later for you: we started out being very strict about screen time. Then we figured out there was a lot of great educational content out there they they love to watch. My oldest (5) is ahead in math, and if you ask her she will tell you it is because of the show Number Blocks on CBeebies, which she watches on netflix.

However you decide to feed you child, just make sure to check in with a doctor and yourself regularly to make sure it is working. I would say sleeping and eating are the most important things early on.

There is a whole industry out there to help you be a parent but they are almost always just time savers for you. The best solution is to spend time with your child.

I’ve been a dad for about five years now, and here are my thoughts:

1 - The little things matter more than you know. Yes, spending time with your kids is very important, but also the little things that you like to do, or your partner likes to do are also very important.

2 - You’re going to get frustrated over the smallest things, learn to take a breath and let it go. Realize it’s really just a journey, and to enjoy that journey, and all the messiness that comes from it.

3 - If you and / or your partner don’t actively lead or choose what you’re doing during the day. Your kid will choose for you. It’s going to be a struggle every day, but that’s just part of the game.

4 - Raise your kid the best you know how, the world needs more good people. The world needs more people that understand how to forgive instead of holding a grudge and getting offended at everything.

5 - Make sure they have some structure in their day, and what they learn, but make sure to go spend time being a kid with them because those imagined worlds are just as real to them as this world is to you.

Enjoy, breathe, relax, forgive, listen, lead.

Congratulations!

Please see these as potential things to try rather than pro-tips. Each family is different. Some of these might be great for you, some may not work.

- technique to stop a baby from crying: Dr. Harvey Karp's 5 S's - also find the YouTube video: https://www.happiestbaby.com/blogs/baby/the-5-s-s-for-soothi... - Babies sometimes cry and there is no clear reason or remedy. Hug them and don't let it get to you.

- You have a lot less free time. It seems like some things you need to do together with your partner, like bathing the baby. The sooner you and your partner realize that either one of you is perfectly capable of doing most of the things (breast feeding is an anti-example), the more time you'll be able to carve out to do other things.

- Love your wife and care for her. She has gone through a lot over the past 7 months, and will endure a lot in the next 2. And after the baby joins you, she has a lot more hard work ahead.

- If you are going to be at the delivery, remember, you are there for your wife. This is not the time to be correct or to advise. It's the time to "yes dear" and hold her hand. It's pretty much all you can do to be helpful. And from anecdotal evidence, that helps a lot.

- Don't fret the small stuff and don't go crazy trying optimize each thing. Things are going to be OK.

- Self care still matters even though you have less time for it. Sleep well, eat and drink well, spend time with loved ones and friends, exercise.

- Each day is precious. It's hard to describe what this means. It will become clear. Enjoy it as everything will change quickly.

You will look back on the next 18 years as one of, if not the best time of your life. The time where you made the most impact on humanity, far more so than whatever you do in your job or social life; an impact that will most assuredly outlive you. It's hard at first, once they're out of diapers and into pre-K, it gets a lot easier.

Congratulations and good luck on your journey.

Father of 4 here.

Take care of yourself (physically, mentally), take care of the mom, take care of your relationship - all of those will make taking care of the child far easier.

Beyond that, the kids grow up really fast. Very likely by the time you master their current stage they’re on to the next. Keep up!

Also, kids are fun. Each stage. Find a way to acknowledge and enjoy the person they are and are growing into.

You'll get lost and lots of advice. Some of it good, some of it bad. Some of it good for you, or bad for you. Just pick and choose what works for you.

If you happen to draw a colicky baby, my suggestion is to quickly introduce shifts. Don't stay awake together, but try to get that 5.5 hours of sleep. Everything will be so much better if you get some rest.

Get all the sleep you can now.

Don't be afraid to ask for help.

Learn to accept you are not perfect and will screw up. At some point, when your child is older they will have some anger directed toward you for something you did (or didn't do). Likely something small and seemingly insignificant. This is normal.

Listen to your children, ask questions, be interested in what they are saying.

This one is too easy :)

99% of the parenting advice you will get will be crap. Your child will be unique. In fact, every child is unique even within a family. My two sons are very different.

Parenting is a procedurally generated open world game. The mechanics are known (like changing diapers, so learn how) but you can't predict what's over the next hill.

Dad of three hear. The big thing that made last two baby years easier was the realization that no matter how slow the time flow will feel like, it will go past too fast. There are rough days and nights, baby will cry and wont sleep but that will pass and things will get easier eventually. Just be patient.

That it'll be ok, even when it looks like it won't.

Relax... most things will take care of themselves and worrying isn't going to make a huge difference, in fact it may become a problem in its own right. Kids are far more resilient than adults usually believe.

And congratulations and I hope everything will go as smooth as possible.

Microwaving plastic can screw up hormones (and maybe eondocrine systems?) - especially bad for children.

reposting my comment from weeks ago (from https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=31774008 ) :

best article I've seen was from NYT a few years back... do a startpage.com search for: new york times plastic microwave plastic hormones

my view credits are up so I can't find the exact one, I feel it may be well explained in this one: https://www.nytimes.com/2018/07/23/well/chemicals-food-child...

Boxes, my kids loved boxes! Often more than they toy that came in them. Plus brown boxes can be anything, encourage them draw on them, make fairy castles, forts, houses, spaceships. We took countless trips to the moon and planets with my kids in a box. Add in a few blankets and the possibilities are endless!

To the extent possible, organize time. Lots of comments here about specific activities that I'd agree with, but, specially with kids, life can become complicated, and there is always something unexpected or pending. Decide what sort of activity should happen daily, weekly and monthly, so that needs are covered, to the extent possible, and expectations are clear. Very important for stability in general.

Activities don't have to be set in stone, and can change as needs change. I'd start with things like time for the child to be with each parent, time all together, time for the parents, time to get chores done, outside activities... Maybe the time with the child later splits into play time and read time, for example.

Having done this helps when later they ask for other things e.g. tv or videogame time, that need to be limited.

Get a few bottles of plain saline nose-spray for babies and a book about general baby preparation. Prepare for sleepless nights and hours of holding/rocking/swaying your baby in the exact same position so it can sleep.

Other than that, don't overthink/worry too much about it, and you'll be fine!

breastfeed as long as possible (well your wife), minimum one year

talk to your kid as you world talk to adult without gibberish, otherwise you are just asking for speech development issues, I've seen it way too often and I'm not really surprised, you can talk to your kid nice and still stay clear

maybe try to introduce allergens like peanuts in extremely small doses to build tolerance early

if you are in US please don't follow your local crazy rituals with genital mutilation

depending on quality of air I'd consider air purifier

security cam in kids room (don't fall for overpriced single purpose kid monitors walkie talkie style, security cams with two way audio and night vision are much more versatile)

buy gender neutral colors like orange and green instead pink/blue, you can use them with second kid or donate to someone and they will be good for any gender

Well, as a fellow dad-to-be, my mom recently gave me her copy of "The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read" after having read it herself (I like her sense of humor there). Although I obviously can't speak from first-hand experience (yet) whether or not the suggestions in it hold up, it does seem very insightful so far and has helped me make sense of my own parents. It also lines up with quite a lot of things I had to work on during therapy for unprocessed ADHD related traumas.

If you're wondering about how to relate and connect with your future child I'd say this book could give some reassuring advice (although I fully expect that having a baby will be a "no battle plan survives contact with the enemy" kind of deal, no matter how much one tries to prepare)

Lots of good advice here. Three things I haven't see.

1) At the age of two weeks start sticking your tongue out at your newborn while making eye contact. Within about a week the newborn will very likely start sticking its tongue back. Communication has started.

2) Don't sweat the kid's likes and dislikes in food. A child's taste buds are very different than an adults. Having said that, if you can get them started on peanut butter you've won half the battle. Cheap, nutritious and tasty for most kids.... watch out for allergies of course.

3) Unless it's easy, don't try potty training until the child is about three years old. Just use diapers up til then. Save both parties at lot of needless stress.

Take your paternity leave (as much as you can). Drop down to a four day work week, even if you feel like it's a risky question to ask, as soon as you can.

Everyone will tell you that you can't get the time with your kids back - and they're right, so spend the time with them now.

1. Get more exercises and build up some muscles. You will lose a lot of sleep and need to hold baby so good health is essential. This is the most important advice I can give you. Two months is not much but whatever.

2. Mother is going to focus 100% on the baby at least in the beginning so you need to learn to take care of yourself. Make sure you know how to enjoy life with just yourself.

3. Learn to do chores efficiently. Learn to cook stews and other food that can easily cover a few days of needs. If you are a very tidy person, learn to lower the standard.

4. Know how to drive to the closest hospital plus the one for delivery. Practice at least twice to know the quirks in Google Map. You don't have much time if there is an emergency. Actually, try parking there for once and know the way to get to the delivery room. Hospitals are like mazes, you don't want to play a maze game at the time of delivery.

5. Be mentally prepared that your partner will ignore you for a while, maybe a long while (years). Know a bit about Postpartum Depression -- this can happen to men too! I'm pretty sure I have it and are getting worse.

6. Send the news to parents, friends and such. Ask if anyone is willing to help. Your parents usually would love to help but in case they are not available ask someone else. Some friends can spare toys and tools, don't be shy -- take them!

7. Buy baby bottle warmer, some size 0 and 1 diapers, formula milk, milk bottles, etc. My brain is not working very well after two years of lack of sleep so this list should be much longer. Oh btw buy a warm blanket for yourself if September is cool. Sleeping on sofa without a blanket makes one's back uncomfortable.

8. After the delivery, follow doctor's advice, not someone else's. Some culture may have their own ways to "treat" but most of them are not scientific.

9. Save the phone number of the hospital (of delivery) so that you can call easily during an emergency (e.g. blood clot coming out).

10. Good luck. Hopefully you enjoy fatherhood more than I do.

I wish I had understood (not just known) that I was going to have to give up a lot of my time and activities. That I needed to let go of them to grab on to something else - time with my children, a relationship with them. I held on to trying to keep some time to myself, and didn't give as much of myself as I should have to my children.

On the other hand... Martin Mull said, "Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain." You need to keep some space for your own thoughts amid all the noise that kids can bring. So there's a balance, and going too far in either direction will cause problems. In retrospect, I see which side I was off on.

1. Find the number of a lactation consultant before baby's birth. 50% of mothers in north america experience breastfeeding pain that they shouldn't. A lactation consultant can make a big difference

2. Sleeping with your child in the same bed is not the horror movie doctors depict. Of course, create a safe bed environment and make sure you are either light sleepers or create a situation where you can prevent rolling over your kid. Babys sleep really well on mom's chest (breasts always available).

3. Precook a lot of food if you can

4. Read a couple of books on parenting (how to talk to kids and others), there was one that described all illnesses, very helpful to prevent unneeded doctor's visit

5. Enjoy it :)

* That they're not "blank slates". I thought that personalities were imposed by the parents, but that's not (on the whole) true.

* Don't smack 'em. The only purpose it serves is to assuage your rage. You don't have to use violence to teach kids about hot cookers and electrical sockets.

* Don't expect them to be like you. They won't; and especially as they enter their teens, they'll do their damnedest to be unlike you. That's supposed to happen, it's normal and good.

* Cook for them. Kids get to like what their parents feed them; if you can get them to like what you like, then you get to eat what you like, AND they'll be pleased as well.

Congrats!

Honestly babies are all very different so lots of advice wont work.

Try to be hands on. I see lots of Moms doing all the work. It looks like they're coping but its super hard. As a test try looking after the baby by yourself a few hours, its exhausting.

This is down the road but related, try to normalize grandparents or other parents doing babysitting. Its easy to do all the work yourself but its brutal.

Be social. Hopefully the mother will have friends with babies, if not get some. You should be the same, it really helps to have other parents in the same position you can swap notes with.

Take lots of videos. Its hard to believe but soon you wont remember how they looked or sounded at that age.

Take a course on parenting. I got a _lot_ of value out of the STEP training (Systematic Training for Effective Parenting). You wouldn't get a dog without learning how to train dogs - getting a kid should follow the same logic!

Find a balance for all aspects of your life, and recognize when to shift that balance.

The first few days of being a parent you'll focus on your newborn and the mother, as you should. But as the pressure decreases, find moments of self-care for yourself and encourage mom to do that too.

Don't lose yourself completely to being a parent, because then you won't be the best parent you could be. Find ways to still be a husband and friend. Try to keep some of your hobbies. All while still cherishing and appreciating the moments you have with your child. There will be enough time for it all if you know what to give up.

1) There will be more periods without sex - sometimes quite long - but that's perfectly fine. The sooner you accept this, the better. It's probably better to appreciate other nice aspects of life more and treat sex like a bonus rather than a part of the package. Things can change for the better or not, just stop expecting anything.

2) Don't bend over backwards and be too harsh on yourself and your partner. All parents face similar struggles and there is no panacea. Be more forgiving rather than try to set unrealistic goals.

3) Don't allow yourself to be guilt tripped by anyone: your friends, your partner, your kid, your parents. It's already hard to be a good parent, adding guilt is completely useless.

4) Try to have fun. Your partner and her friends may mock you and Peter-Pan you, but it doesn't matter at all. The more fun you have with your kid, the better for them (and for you). The kind of bond created by enjoying things together lasts for decades. It will be something your kid will remember at your funeral.

5) Did I mention you should be very forgiving to your partner? Every hardship you go through, she undergoes too, and possibly in a more intensive way. And especially at the beginning she is more exhausted because of birth, breastfeeding, hormones and so on. If you have any extra energy left, give it to her. Let her feel loved. Many marriages/partnership fall apart when the child is born - if you manage to get through this difficult period, everything will be much easier.

6) If the kid is old enough to understand, explain things to them, don't treat them as an idiot. You don't need to go into details, but don't invent things. Of course when they need a fairytale, give it to them, but when they actually start asking things about the world, you need to give them satisfying answers.

7) Not knowing something is not a problem (see "We Have no Idea" on how presenting things we do not know can be very entertaining and how much you can learn from it).

8) Did I mention you should be kind to your partner? If you actually love each other, all arguments will be short and the kid will grow in a safe environment. (They will also save a lot on therapy.)

Enjoy every moment. Kids grow up fast. When they need your attention focus on them. Congrats! And just when you think you can't handle it the kids evolve (or well you do). Lastly, trust in the vulnerability.

Other mentioned similar but be sure to make sure you spend regular time with just your partner. don't fall into the trap of each other 'babysitting' whilst the other goes out for fun.

When they are a baby they are relatively easy. Don't get lulled into thinking you have it sorted. As they grow it's exciting to see them become their own person, but with it comes, well just that. You will be surprised to find you have a wonderful new, seemingly idiotic, sometimes selfish, always unpredictable guest.

Main advice is to look at all the normal expectations you have and be ready to swap them for something different. If you can do that you will find happiness. Try to hold onto the past and you will lose!

My first son is 21 yrs and younger is 19 yrs now. One purchase from that time that I felt was absolutely worth it was the Playtex Diaper Genie.

Also, invest in a good quality infant car seat.

Don't forget to enjoy this time.

Don’t feel guilty if you lack any of the Hollywood feelings and emotions. I didn’t feel the warm fuzzies the first time I held my kids. I didn’t even particularly like or enjoy them until they were able to move and interact a lot more (3 months, maybe?)

Also: two books that I found most helpful: Happiest Baby on the Block and Simplicity Parenting.

YMMV. It’s quite different for everyone.

Edit: if you’re like me, you’ll pack on the pounds in the next 5 years. I’m working out regularly now and feel / look much better. I wish I’d done that from the start.

Babies and their mothers have a special relationship. Don’t feel bad if you are not bonding at the same level.

Babies are resilient. Don’t beat yourself up over the little things. You’re going to make mistakes. There are no perfect parents.

If you are a documentor, taking notes and pictures and storing them up is a cool idea.

Your parents probably have answers. Sometimes the answer is to wait it out. Kids cry. The get mild fevers. Not everything is a problem to solve. It’s just a process that you are a part of. Sometimes the answer is just being patient.

There are some educational videos to learn the sounds of your babies cry’s. It’s a huge relief when you can tell the difference between a tired cry, a hungry cry, and a distress cry. Takes all of 30 minutes to learn, but the best time we invested before our newborns arrived.

Later, teach them baby sign language. It’s incredible how much they can say with sign language. And even today, I can ask my 15 year old if he’s like a glass of milk in baby sign language, and he remember exactly what I’m asking.

Start saving for college, on the chance that they'll want to go.

You're ready for a newborn when they're 6 months old

You're ready for a 1 year old when they're 2

You're ALWAYS playing "catch-up"

Don't sweat the small stuff!

I've got 4 (8,7,6, and 2mos)

If what you don't get done today matters, you'll get pestered tomorrow

It's truly freeing to see how much you can slough off and no one bloddy cares :)

Do what needs to be done - for sure. But do what you want to do instead of what you only think "needs to be" first

Two pieces of advice:

1) There is a book called 'Teach your child to read in 100 easy lessons'. It works. Buy it and use it.

2) College can either be incredibly expensive and a poor investment or relatively inexpensive and a great investment. To make it the latter, set your sights on high ACT or SAT scores early in the game, begin working with practice books and even coaches before 9th grade. If you get this one right, you will raise a good scholar and save a great deal of money.

I'm not a parent.

Kids are prone to learning languages and fast, so try to keep them surrounded with content of a foreign language that you deem interesting for their future.

Bit of advice regarding leaving your toddler... to work or wherever.

It absolutely pays to tell them how sorry you are that you have to leave and how you will miss them, but that you are going to earn some money and think of them.

It also really helps to accumulate tiny, but stimulating, presents (1-10$ value) and giving it to them from time to time for waiting for you. Toy cars, dice, soap bubbles, a piece of chocolate, etc.

Two concepts to hold in balance:

- The Adverse Childhood Experiences study and how childhood trauma changes the physiology of the brain

- But also “good enough parenting” and take it easy on yourself.

The most important thing isn’t whether you make mistakes it’s whether you repair and apologize, reinforcing that it’s not the kids fault, and parents are highly imperfect. Kids otherwise naturally assume they are the problem and need to change.

The baby likes to sleep on the father and mother. Yes, sometimes you would wish you could lay it down always to sleep. Try to enjoy it, because it lasts only 3-4 months. I enjoyed it way more on the second kid.

Everything goes in waves. There are good ones and bad ones. Try to recognize you are in a good one and enjoy it. And in bad ones, remember it will not stay that way. It gets better.

Moments Missed are Never Equalized by Dollars Made.. The time making moments and memories will be all that matters after, and after they cannot be brought or bought back. ... Just my 2cents, as a Dad & Grampa who was guilty of overworking for years, always focused on the future, missing all the now I can never go back to. Spend your time wisely.

You are about to have the most advanced computer in the Universe in your care. If all goes well, this computer will stand by you when everyone else has abandoned you. Beyond that this computer may save the human race, so take great care with it's learning while keeping mind that it is not you and you can't force anything on it.

Do ALL the things as it relates to your child; you'll miss most of these responsibilities when the kid gets older.

Congratulations!

If you're able to, take your partner away _before_ the baby arrives. They deserve it for growing a human and you both deserve some quality time together before everything changes :)

Other than that, it's amazing (and challenging). Be patient and kind to each other (and it goes without saying, to your baby).

Go to flea markets. Baby stuff is unreasonably expensive, considering how short you can use it. Why is a stroller $1000+ when you can buy a good handcart for $50? Also, shoes last like 1 month and are still $50 for a set. Plus at the flea market, you'll meet nice parents from your area.

Congratulations! Father of 18 months old girl here. Nothing to add really except to repeat the advice already given in this thread. Have patience. It gets tough on many days and remember that it too shall pass. Your wife will go through a lot of changes in her body. Take care of her.

One thing. What works for other people probably won’t work for you. I spent a lot of time reading everything I could to prepare myself and when my first daughter was born. 95% of what I read didn’t apply.

Your own child is unique. You will figure out what works and what doesn’t work. But it’s rewarding.

When your toddler wants something, think very hard before you say no. If any amount of screaming, crying, moaning, is going to change your mind, then just save yourself the hassle and say yes. Meanwhile, your toddler will learn that when you do say no, a tantrum won't change it.

Seldom heard on a deathbed: "I wish I spent less time with my kids when they were young".

My list of mistakes I learned from would be too large for HN. I would only add that you may wish to also ask on StackExchange after lurking a bit.

[1] - https://parenting.stackexchange.com/

You'll know what to do. And if you don't... Welcome to the club. Have fun, congrats dad.

Read, study to prepare. Respect the wisdom of each gender, talk to find the common principles of your new family. Then, when approaching every new real life situation of your new dad role, embrace and respect your instinct, it comes with millennia of knowledge.

A lot of your relationship strategies depend on slack that will soon be gone. If a chore gets done by whoever is feeling less tired it simply won't get done. Explicitly decide who does what and be prepared to revisit frequently to make it fair.

18-21 years of child-rearing seems like a long time looking from the front of it.

It does not seem long in retrospect.

Diapers seem to last forever, that time is but a blink.

Find time to spend with your child, because time is fleeting. Take pictures, keep artwork, have adventures. There is no re-do.

An honest reflection of being a father for the last 2.5 years:

  1. Sometimes for no apparent reason, you'll start crying
  2. Parenting is a constant cycle of ups and downs
  3. Ask for help (it really does take a village)
  4. Friends and family (even with good intentions) will always find something to nit-pick about your parenting style
  5. Having a child will test your relationship with your partner and reveal that you two *might* not be on the same page as you thought you were
  6. Default-divorce is the path unless you and your partner actively work on your relationship
  7. Toss every expectation you had about what it'll be like as a father
  8. Movies lie
  9. All of the above highly depends on the type of child you have
  10. Culture plays a big role. The west and east have _very_ different ways of raising children

(This is from another commentator on HN). You should know that if childhood trauma were correctly understood the DSM would shrink to the size of a pamphlet. Learn what type of person your child is and nurture him or her.

People who say "don't worry, it gets better" to new parents don't know what they are talking about.

Enjoy the time when the baby stays put wherever you lay him or her down. and isn't climbing the furniture or throwing things.

a couple things

1) Everyone says it, you won't believe it, but time goes by so incredibly fast. take pictures, take vacations, don't miss game and concerts. no amount of success will purchase those memories back.

2) let them stay up an extra half hour every night, but only if they read books. Buy they as many books as they want no questions asked. it will help their grades immensely. when they are too young to read, let them stay up only if you can read to them.

3) open a custodial brokerage account and deposit something every month into a broad market etf. it will make a nice nest egg by the time they are 21.

Make sure that any unresolved issues between you and your partner have been resolved. Time to work on your marriage evaporates when you make that trip the the hospital. Actually, it starts fading some time before.

That most advice that you receive from your friends and family are mostly bullshit (well intended). Listen to your child's pediatrician and no-one else (at least in my case that's how things went).

For your first kid you will be so nervous about doing everything right. Everything will be sanitized and organic and over researched and helicopter parented. Second kid is eating jellybeans off the floor.

Every child is different but my experience is that being a technical nomad is fine for an adult but some kids can really do much better without moving around for work. It's my only regret.

I wish I’d practiced good form in picking things up and done some core exercises. My son gained a lot of weight quickly and my back was killing me for months before my strength caught up.

Bunch of random, pre-coffee thoughts here... We have 3 kids that are 3 and under (twin toddlers and an infant).

I started reading a lot right before our twins were born. I wanted to make it my go to habit vs. sitting at a computer or spending too much time on my phone. That worked out well and our twins, now 3, love to read and love being read to. We read as a family and I read to them every single night and it's one of the things we all look forward to the most in our day. We now go to the library together on Saturday mornings and pick up new books for the week.

As someone else said, when they're very young get used to sleeping when they sleep.

We had a Snoo (rental /, paid by my wife's employer) for all 3 of our kids. It worked well with the twins (both girls) but our infant (a boy) wanted nothing to do with it. We do use noise machines and they work well. Hatch makes a nice one which is programmable and doubles as a light.

Speaking of light: We have completely blacked out our bedrooms since right before our twins arrived. We use small egg lights on their dimmest setting at night to navigate our bedroom, where our infants crib is and where he still sleeps.

Sleep training worked well for us with all 3 kids but it's hard. I think it's controversial but we used the "cry it out" method with all 3 and I am happy to report that it took less than a week for each kid to be able to sleep on their own and most often through the night.

Help with everything. Change diapers, do dishes, wash bottles, handle the laundry. I handled almost all of the bottle feeding for our twins (our infant exclusively nurses), only 1 of them nursed at all and she only nursed twice a day. Breastfeeding and pumping takes up a ton of moms time and energy.

I learned a handful of easy recipes and made them in batches and kept them in the fridge. Meal prep but like recipes that you can speed run. That helped a lot, otherwise I think we'd have been eating infrequently and mostly eating out.

Invest in a baby carrier (I've used the same ergobaby one for all 3 kids) and when the baby has head control you can start to carry them, it sounds obvious and ridiculous but it makes a huge difference to have both of your hands available.

edit/ Echoing another sentiment I just saw: Work on your fitness. Parenting is a very physical job. I've maintained a lifting and running routine throughout all of this madness and it's paid off tremendously.

My wife found a "recipe" online for a diaper spray that we use that is incredible. I don't have the link but it's coconut oil, baby castille soap, and water. Stuff is amazing with poops

Wish I’d done some reps picking up a medicine ball out of a box.

By all means, strengthen your core and back muscles. Carrying babies around is no joke and I spent years in pain because of a bad movement trying to pick up my daughter.

most is already sad. My main take away now are. spend much time with your partner before birth! then be very aware of the nice and not so nice moments with your child in the first couple of years. The time will tik a lot lot lot faster if you have children. and it doesn't get easier with the years and a second child. it gets a lot harder over time. just try to enjoy every little shit.

Having read this thread, it is hard for me to understand why anybody would voluntarily do this to the person they love and to themselves.

All my kids are fully-grown. One is a Ph.D. candidate in computer science and is working on stuff HNers would find really cool, another has their Masters in sociology and analyzes women's health care, and the other is still an undergrad and going into something pharmaceutical related.

I have no regrets in how I raised them, here's my advice for what I did:

- Let them be whomever they are. Let them pursue their dreams, don't use your kids to pursue your dreams. This can be more difficult than it sounds because they may see other goals as being more important than you do and sometimes they have literally childish ideas for how to go about pursuing things. We're guides, not kings.

- Be there. Nothing is more important to a kid than being there. Sorry, kids & careers are orthogonal to one another. You can't have it all. Remember, "career" is just a fancy word for "job." Don't give it any more importance than being just a job.

- Corollary to the above, kids would rather have your time than your money. Remember, nobody ever lied on their deathbed wishing they'd spent more time at the office. This is especially a difficult concept for for dads who are pressured to be the breadwinners for their families.

- Limit the number of activities your kid has at any one time. Try to have a sport activity, a group activity (any club activity), and a personal development activity (martial arts, music, etc.) I highly recommend team sports so your kid learns how to deal with people. Yes it can be quite a negative experience - that's where the learning happens.

- Have a regularly scheduled date night. When they're very young have grandparents, aunts and uncles fill in that job. As they get older you can use babysitters.

- Get them used to playing outside. Take them to the park to play on playground equipment and play with other kids.

- Have a schedule. Kids need to know what to expect when throughout the day. Don't leave them guessing!

- Don't take your job, family or financial frustrations out on your kid. Always remember they never asked to be brought into this world. Your interaction with them needs to be predictable.

- Get used to having less. You're not going to have the money to get all the cool toys you used to get. Then again kids these days have some cool toys! :)

- Discourage tattling and encourage working out problems themselves. Our policy with our kids was unless there was blood, fire or someone was in grave danger then then one tattling was the one who was in trouble. You'll have problems with other kids who just love to tattle. If it's normal kids tattling on kids stuff then explain to the child the things they should be informing adults about.

- Instill a love of learning. If you read then your kids will read. Simple as that. Always make learning a joy. Kids especially love hands-on activities when they're young. It combines playing and learning.

- In addition to the previous point, let them know never in their life will they have so much time to dedicate to learning. Make the most of it!

- But don't fret about grades. Especially in High School. Let them manage their own affairs. Again, you're a guide, not a king.

- Only get a kid 5 things for Christmas or similar holiday you may celebrate. You get off cheap when they're little kids, you'll be glad you managed expectations when they get older! And don't make them extravagant gifts.

- Speaking from experience, being an only child really sucks. I grew up in a townhome where we couldn't even have a dog or a cat. Kids need those things.

- Get used to chaos!

- Remember, it's all over before you know it!

I've probably forgot stuff but that'll get you off to a good start. I have more advice for how to parent teenagers and young adults - they bring a different set of issues and opportunities to the table.

Mozart works: https://youtu.be/VyhsSYfz9jM

Schedule romantic times. It sounds cheesy but schedule it. Light some aromatic candles. Have cheese and wine.

Buy an electric crib that rocks and has music. Take shifts if you can. Sleep whenever you can get it. Workout.

Parenthood will go very fast. Cherish it.

Understand that whilst your world will revolve around the baby, the rest of the world doesn't.

Learn burping, watch some videos. Baby has to be fed frequently and better to burp right after.

Trust your instincts, if they were wrong your ansestors wouldn't have gotten you here.

One more:

Get the kid underwater as soon as you can. Newborns are used to being immersed; they instinctively know to hold their breath. Don't leave it until they are used to being landlubbers. And don't do that old macho thing - throwing them in the deep-end and letting them struggle. That's just mean.

I'll be duplicating others' advice, but such is life:

- Separate your own issues from your child's. You will react strongly and unreasonably to events; work hard to understand when that happens and own it.

- Learn who your child is. Every child is different, and if you try to fit them into some standard mold it won't end well for either of you.

- Be open to being embarrassed at the grocery store.

- You will mess up. When you do so, own it and move on.

- When infuriated by your child, remember Robin Williams' line from "Night at the Museum": "Who's evolved?" [0]

- Be a safe harbor for your child. If they come to you with a problem, never make them regret it.

- When/if you have a second child, don't compare them. They're different people at different stages of their lives, and will need different approaches, care, and levels of patience.

[0] https://clip.cafe/night-at-the-museum-2006/no-hard-feelings-...

6 weeks before my son's 4th birthday, someone on HN recommended the book 'Teach your child to read in 100 easy lessons'.

The book was life-changing for us. I wish I had known about it a year earlier.

tl;dr when your child turns 3, read the first chapter of 'Teach your child to read in 100 easy lessons' and then try the first lesson.

Lots of valuable long comments here but I'll make it short.

Time only flows one way.

be creative:

https://creapills.com/duo-pere-fille-photographies-insolites...

Nothing. You’ll do fine.

No suggestion but I feel sorry for you. Take care.

Don’t buy them any toys. Two reasons for this:

1. Most of the time they prefer to play with boxes, plastic bottles, stones, sticks, cups… you get the idea.

2. Toys are so abundant in this day and age. Children will get plenty, mountains of toys even if you don’t buy them any. Relatives and friends will give them toys as a gift and also they give children small toys at restaurants or they come with candy or clothes or other products. Soon you will have a huge mountain of toys that came from nowhere.

Edit: ok, maybe buy some for birthdays and Christmas and special days but that’s it.

- Every baby and every toddler is super different. Really. I can't believe how much generic advice is given in classes and such. Then they come out and you are like: what the hell? Why is my kid trying to put his head in the toilet or jump out the window, while my friend's kid is eating with a fork in a pink dress and putting together a puzzle (don't mean to gender-stereotype here, although I learned with some sadness that this is not off entirely when it comes to personalities...). Bottom line: your kid's personality can make a HUGE difference in your quality of life in the first few years.

- Sleeping. I was highly suspect of the fact that all those sidecar-style bassinets were sold as almost brand-new...well, it's because there is a significant portion of babies who don't want to sleep apart from their mommy. Our kiddo would not leave a warm body for 4 months. Now try to marry that with safe sleeping recommendations. Pure hell.

I am adamantly against sleep training. I think it's a cruel practice and industry created so adults can go back to work. Which most of us we have to, shortly after having a baby or giving birth. So those things are extremely hard to marry. FOr me, I took the hit (instead of the baby taking the hit). Highly recommend watching this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCZzzqFkyiU&t=2s, and Gabor Mate: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tdljIW86e8

- I can't emphasize enough how important it is that you jump in and help your wife/parther 50-100% more than you think you should. I can't emphasize how hard birth is for the mother. And how hard the early months and years are. There is a peculiar silence around the fact that we go through a major medical event, then are supposed to hop right back on the horse and share things 50-50 with our partner. Whereas our bodies are already taking 70-90% of the work. Add to that that the shitty division of labor in our society (and every other) where women's emotional labor (all the appointments, all the supplies, all the clothes, etc.) is already huge, and THIS is what leads to divorce. Not the lack of dates (although I too vote for making room for dates, or at least simple short emotional check-ins with your partner). Recommended reading: https://bookshop.org/books/how-not-to-hate-your-husband-afte...

Good luck! You'll make a great dad! <3

oo i have a 4 and 2 year old running around as i type this comment. you specifically asked what to prep for what's to come so i'll make some recommendations for that: - you're going to lose sleep, i dont know how to practice or prepare for this other than for the next 4 months (post birth), sleep will be a luxury but even moreso for momma so get as much sleep as you can now. things get better between 4 months and 2 years and then the terrible twos occur which in my experience has been sleepless nights for a couple of weeks again. - you're most likely going to gain weight. most habits/structure you have with working out, diet, etc.. go out the window when baby enters your world. if you dont already have work outs and healthy diet in place, it's only going to get worse. after my first born, i gained 30 pounds and when i received a pre-diabetic prognosis when my son was 12 months, i turned my life around by getting back into the habit of working out/exercising and went strict keto. by the time my second was born, i was down 40 pounds. because i had built the habit of exercise and diet going into my second born, i actually maintained my lifestyle until a completely different life milestone of being forced to step in as a General Contractor for my rona suburb house threw a wrench in everything.

after reading my own comment, i think the main thing to prepare for is sht will feel like it is hitting the fan (sometimes literal sht). nothing will go as expected and everything will change. don't try to "plan" and set expectations for how things will go because it most likely won't happen how it's "planned". this doesn't mean don't plan... you can absolutely plan for things but don't hinge success or happiness based on those plans!

i think i handle stress and unknown situations MUCH better than my partner because i'm a "go with the flow" kind of person. my spouse is a "plan for everything and always get disappointed" kind of person. with kids, nothing ever goes according to plan and the better you can shift your mindset to live and enjoy life as it happens, the more you'll actually be able to.

as the father, there's less we're literally able to do in the first 12 months (if momma is breast feeding) so anything you can help with and call "your responsibility" the less momma has to do. my friends have become the best at: - diaper changers - putting baby to sleep - burping baby after feeding (btw, baby ALWAYS can burb after a feeding. you pat/rub baby back surprisingly hard until you hear them burb, ALWAYS) - shower/bathe baby - washing/cleaning bottles - laundry/cleaning around the house

my life changed when mini-me popped out. hope yours does too!

There are a lot of these that I would agree with as well. These days, my daughter is 21, and my son is 17. Here are some things that I’ve learned that I haven’t seen mentioned yet.

1. Don’t make a habit of being quiet because the baby is asleep. Go about your day, do the things you normally do, and talk at your normal voice. This will allow the child to become accustomed to having noise around when they’re trying to sleep. Otherwise, as they get older they’ll tend to be lighter sleepers, and not sleep as well. If the kid gets tired enough, they’ll fall asleep.

2. I never really talked “baby talk“ to my kids. I never really treated them as “less than“ because they were young. I will talk to them with the same attention as I would talk to anybody else — although when they were younger, I would definitely adjust how I explained whatever it is. About two years ago my son and I were driving somewhere, and he mentioned that this was something that he had always appreciated.

3. Find ways to connect with them. Spend some time in their world with them. Yes, your parent, and your job is to raise them. But meeting them on their level, sitting down on the floor next to your child, fluffy bear, fuzzy bunny, and a bunch of tea cups is a great way to build deep connections with your child from a very young age. As my daughter got older, she loved reading and‘s I would ask her about her favorite books and the characters in them. She’s now a “dungeon master “at D&D parties. My son got really into Minecraft and building these worlds with blocks, that’s why I spend time with him talking about things that could be built. Now, he has his sights set on becoming an indie game developer.

4. Don’t try to make them a copycat of yourself. You are the only you that exists. Instead, help them become the best possible versions of _themselves_. Who _they_ are.

5. No two children are alike. Once you get everything dialed in for the first kid, if you decide to have a second kid, that kid will be completely different. This means that the way you teach things, the way you discipline, the way you do pretty much everything will be different for each kid that you have.

6. Be consistent. You and your spouse should always have a “united front”. You can debate, argue, complain, whatever to each other in private. But in public, in front of the kids, you need to be united. If you say bedtime is 8 o’clock, then bedtime is 8 o’clock. The kids will always try to weasel their way into getting more, or less, so set a few ground rules and keep them. You could always reassess and adjust them as they get older. But kids thrive in structure, so give them the reliability of things they can depend on.

7. One thing that I did when the kids were growing up was to count to 3. There were no halves, no three-quarters. Simply 1, 2, 3. I would tell them that they needed to do something, and if they ignored me, pretended not to hear me, or something else, I would begin the count. I would count one, then repeat the instruction that I had given them before. Then I would count two, and repeat the instruction again. But if I got to three, then it was the end of their little child world. My daughter, who is now 21 years old, has only gotten to three maybe five times her entire life. Two of them were before the age of three.

8. I have a zero tolerance rule for disrespect. I have told them they are free to disagree with me, they are free to feel angry if they don’t like something, they’re free to present their side of the argument if they want. But it will be done respectfully, and with a respectful tone. And I will always show them the same respect. If they start to mu or something under the breath, or back talk, or something else, I will fire warning shot by asking them if they have forgotten who they’re talking to. That’s usually enough and they bring it back down. They know that dad doesn’t fuck around like that.

9. Perspective matters. Your job is not to tell them what to do. Your job is to teach them how to become well-adjusted, fully functional adults. Part of that job it may include telling them what to do, but when they get older they need to be able to make decisions for themselves, and they can’t do that if they spent their entire life being told what to do. When they’re younger and up through the preteen ages, it’s mostly telling them what to do, with some amount of “why“ being part of the answer. As they become teenagers, the amount of telling them what to do lessons, but should be replaced with teaching them how to reason about a situation. You’re not always going to be with them, and if they don’t know how to reason about the situation because you’ve always told them what to do, they’re not gonna be very good at making good decisions for themselves. So you have to teach them how to do that. And that will continue shifting until they become young adults who are moving out and starting their own lives on their own. you never stop being a parent, but the way that you parent changes over time.

10. I’m going to end on this. Make sure that your child knows definitely, unambiguously, and confidently how much you love them, proud of them, and will always be there for them. “I know, dad“ with an Iroll will prove that you’re doing this well. They know it so much that they’re sick of hearing it. But that’s OK, because there are a lot of kids out there who don’t know how their parents feel about them, and that sticks with them for the rest of their lives. And don’t just say it, but show it. Go to their performances, go to their sports games, go to their place. Even if you think it’s boring hearing your kid play their instrument out of tune in an auditorium with a lot of echo, you do whatever you need to do to make sure that they feel like they absolutely killed it. The next school performance will be even better.

I hope this helps!

I wrote this a week after our first:

Prepartum

- don't be afraid to call the hospital/go in before birth. At one point we were worried that the baby wasn't moving enough, at another point we thought labour might have started when it hadn't. Both times the hospital were more than happy to check things out, and it gave us peace of mind.

Labour

- you can do a huge amount as support person. I was led to believe that I would be essentially useless during the birth, but at least according to my wife that wasn't the case at all.

- eye contact and synced breathing during pushing helps your partner more than you know. I thought it was pretty daft but afterwards my wife said it was the only thing she was aware of, and she had no idea how fast she was breathing until I told her to slow down.

- question your healthcare staff. Ask them why, what are the risks, what happens if you do nothing. We were told that things weren't going as fast as they should as she was only 6cm dilated and needed oxytocin to move things along: we asked if it was safe to wait an hour and they said it was, we focused on moving round more and stretching the hips, an hour later she was fully dilated and ready to go.

- during the birth, your partner is not a sane, rational adult that you know and love, they need you to look after them. Imagine getting kicked in the balls for 10 hours: you're going to forget to eat/drink, and you're not going to respond well to questions. Remind them to drink, remind them to eat if they are hungry, remind them to move around to help drop the baby down into position.

- Get into support positions that you can maintain. Your partner could be pushing for hours, make sure that how you're holding them/supporting them is sustainable and you aren't hurting yourself. Follow the nurses lead with this, since they do it every day they have a bunch of positions that help the pushing while still being comfortable for them.

- I thought the Dr was being scarily rough with the babies head when it was coming out, but it was just wrinkled skin.

- there will be poo, no one will care

- take spare clothes in case you're there a few days

- take a pillow.

Postpartum

- your partners milk may not come in straight away, the baby may be too sleepy to eat. Prepare to supplement with formula for a bit, and pump to stimulate production. This tool will tell you where your baby needs to be weight Wise https://www.newbornweight.org/chart/

- related to the above: feeding is the priority, not sleep. After leaving the hospital we got told to let the baby feed as wanted, but all the baby wanted to do was sleep. I was pretty proud of taking the baby and letting my wife get some sleep until the next weigh in we found out the baby hadn't eaten enough, then I felt like shit.

- the only thing you can't do after the birth that your partner can is breastfeed, and if they pump you can do that too. Skin to skin contact rewires your brain, and it feels amazing. Since your partners chest smells like milk, the baby may sleep better on your chest instead too.

- Healthcare people can be a bit intense/insensitive. They have a tight schedule, they do this every day, and their main concern is the babies health. None of this is bad, but it can lead to them not being particularly tactful with you. Try and focus on what they are saying and not how they are saying it, and don't be too terrified.

Update now I have a 2 and 3 year old:

- Try and avoid holding your baby directly by your hands, it's easy at first because they are so light, but if you keep doing it as they get older you'll fuck up your wrists. Try and hold them nearer to your elbow. Bonus: when they are a bit bigger you can carry them and still have two hands free

- Always put a nappy (daiper) underneath the one you're about to take off, if there's a second wave you can quickly catch it.

Relationships (assuming you are in one, and your partner is the primary carer):

- Whenever you have a break, before you sit down, ask your partner if you can do anything for them. Remember that breastfeeding/bottle feeding isnt a break for them because they're sitting down with a quiet baby; they're stuck with the baby until it's finished: ask them if they need a drink, or food, etc.

- Stay on the same team. It sounds bad but treat it like you and your partner vs the baby, never like your partner and baby vs you. The baby's goal is to take up all your free time and sleep and make you resent each other, your goal is to help your partner get enough rest, stay sane and feel human.

Not mentioned here yet, as this should be a no-brainer to most people, but if you're American and it's a boy: don't start his life by cutting of a perfectly good piece of penis (i.e., circumcision). That's his call, optionally (but probably not, rare medical conditions excepted) later in life. Don't do it just because the cornflakes guy said so.

If you're going to do that anyway because of religion you won't be convinced otherwise of course.

If you're not a follower of one of those religions that stimulate this, and not an American (or, I think, South Korean), carry on. The thought wouldn't have crossed your mind. As a European the percentage of parents in the US that still chose to mutilate the genitals of their young sons always astounds me¹.

1: https://worldpopulationreview.com/state-rankings/circumcisio...

Read Brain Rules For Baby

Lift with your knees.

1) If you have anything that needs to be done in the Nursery, get it done now. Also, get a crib tent for the crib... eventually they figure out how to crawl out of the crib. (They might be unsafe?? What.. ugh) Also, you need child proof gates in front of any stairs, or dangerous areas of the house.

1a) Put latches high up out of reach on doors you don't want the kids to be able to open until they're old enough. Simple hook and eye latches work well.

2) There is a parallel universe, kind of like dark matter... that will only become visible once you're a parent. Second hand clothing shops are your friend, find them! If things go well, you'll connect with parents of children slightly older and younger than your child, and become the link in a chain of ownership. -- Rick Grubbs told me this ahead of time, and it was really weird once it happened.

3) Take lots of photos and videos, save them locally, back them up. I can show you my child's face changed at least 5 times in the first year... you can always delete them later. DigiKam is open source photo management that does facial recognition.

3a) There's one picture I never took, and wish I had.... the placenta... so beautiful and it was a wild mix of red and deep blue. (Yeah, weird... but anyway)

3b) I store photos in c:\photos\yyyy\yyyymmdd\ folders, I've never tried to name them all... 700 Gigabytes worth! If you leave them that way, you'll be able to navigate your own history by date much better. It's a handy reference for "when did this happen"

4) You will learn to deal with bodily fluids and solids... it's no big deal after the first few times. ALWAYS keep a boy covered when changing, lest you or the surroundings get sprayed. GET a garbage can with a foot activated lid that takes tall kitchen bags. EMPTY it nightly, and you'll have almost zero smell. You can NEVER have too many packages of wet wipes.

4a) I HAD TO HAVE a diaper genie.... never used it. The garbage can with foot operated lid was MUCH better.

5) GET a stroller that can be deployed and stowed with ONE HAND. If you can get it second hand, that's fine.

6) Car seats are one thing you will likely buy new, make darned sure you've got it installed right, have someone else check it. You'll buy more than one as the child grows.

7) You will find yourself completely cured of any irritation from other people's children crying, and have a strong sympathy.

8) GET a Boopy... they are SOOOO handy

9) There exist pads, sold at stores, that are sold in bulk, "chucks pads", that go under the child while changing, and into the trash. These, along with Disposable diapers and wipes, are game changers. I can't imagine parenting without them.

9a) There exist washable versions of the above, if you have a good washer/dryer and time, and live where water isn't in shortage.

10) You're going to make mistakes, it's fine.

Here's what I always tell soon-to-be-dads:

You're not a mere spectator to the birth; you're the mother's partner, the person who knows her best. During easy births, your job may be trivial, but during complicated births, it can be very important: your wife can be completely wrapped up in her own world where she's doing all the real work, and everybody around you is working on the technical-medical side of things. You're the only one who can get inside her head and tell how she's doing, and communicate that to the medical experts. And sometimes this is important.

During our first pregnancy, I interfered twice, and both times I turned out to be correct. It was a complicated pregnancy that took forever. My wife was at risk of preclampsia, they put her on oxitocin (I think?) to stimulate contractions, and at some point, the contractions were coming at such a rapid succession, that my wife had no time to rest in between. At some point, I noticed she was crying. My wife never cries. Never complains. She's a hardass and when she was younger, doctors have on occasion ignored her broken bones because she wasn't crying out in pain. So for her to be crying was serious. I alerted the nurse or gynaecologist, and they turned down the oxytocin and gave her a bit of morphine to take the edge off.

Many, many hours later, when she was trying to push the baby out, and the nurse and gynaecologist were encouraging her: "It's coming! It's coming!", I asked if the baby was really coming, because she'd been pushing for two hours by now. They couldn't really see. "Well, could you check?" They checked, turns out the baby was stuck behind some bone, and they had to use a suction cup to pull it out. My wife had been squashing our baby against some bone for two hours.

So pay attention and don't be afraid to speak up or ask questions when necessary. Don't be an ass and think you know everything, because you don't, but don't assume they know everything either, because sometimes they don't either. At a hospital, their attention may be divided between multiple births. When birth takes a long time, they may change shifts, and you'll be the only one who's been there from the beginning.

Then again, for our second pregnancy, the gynaecologist was urging us to hurry to the hospital, and thinking of our first birth, I thought: "Have you ever been at a birth? These things take 12 hours at least." We were barely at the hospital, and the baby was already born. No trouble at all. It was the complete opposite experience.

Also: make sure you're home during the first two weeks after birth. Your wife can't and shouldn't do anything; she needs to recover, you take care of her and the household. Also a great time for bonding and learning how to take care of a baby. Don't miss it.

lots of hugs

That dogs are the way to go.