I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

One of my ex-girlfriends had a list of twenty things she required in a mate. I met 19 of them. She left. I met an amazing woman a couple of years later (at 43). We’re married and have an amazing 13 yo daughter. My ex is still single.

Maybe examine your standards. And I do mean this in a constructive way, by way of perhaps helping to troubleshoot. The way you describe your experience above, you present as high-expectation which though not needy can be high-maintenance in a different way. Maybe that’s true and maybe not, I don’t know you. My point is, the presentation is important.

Before the first date with my wife, we chatted for 3-1/2 hrs on okcupid. That we could hold a conversation that long made me optimistic about dating her. She chose the location for our first date. It was a noisy hangout bar and I could barely hear her. I asked for the check before she finished her food, my hope crushed. Why would someone choose a place like that to get to know someone? I’m walking to the car, dreading the ride back to her place when she asks if I’d like some ice cream. We went to Cold Stone and talked for about 5 hours.

Later in our relationship, we needed our communication skills to work through various conflicts. Even though we have high consensus about parenting, we don’t always see eye to eye. My point there, if you expect to find the perfect mate, also expect to be disappointed. What makes a relationship is the willingness to work through challenges.

> My time for having children is running out.

> Please encouragement only, no discouragement. I’m discouraged enough already.

IMHO, that's exactly the problem. Bear with me for a sec.

Unless you find someone who has the exact same objective and wants to have kids asap (i.e., a more transactional relationship), this will always be a major turn off. Your partner will feel pressured to make a decision quickly, and sooner or later will think the main thing you want is their sperm to have a baby. That's a recipe for folks to back off. Even if you believe you're not putting pressure, I bet they can smell it a mile away. It has a direct impact on your mindset, your behavior, and self-confidence, even if you believe you're effective in masking it.

It may sound counter intuitive, but once you stop trying "to find someone to marry and have kids", you may actually find someone.

The first step is to start accepting yourself and your life as it is -- and being proud of being single and having no kids. It is what it is. Cut the bullshit of dating coaches, hundred dates, dozen of books, and all the mental energy you're wasting obsessing about it. Give up the serial dating, and immerse yourself in work, or a cause you care about, sports, gym, hobbies, church, or whatever suits your fancy. Sure, make new friends and go on dates, but not because you want to "find love and build a family", but because you want to have fun and enjoy having sex every now and then.

Once you do it - truly do it - you'll be seen as more attractive, more powerful, successful, confident, remarkable, independent. You won't need anyone on your side to be the best version of yourself. And there's nothing more f*ing attractive than that.

Pragmatically speaking, you've already frozen your eggs, so you have a plan B for later. For now, internalize that you are enough. Once you accept it, everything else will follow.

Dating is only one way to find someone, it's definitely not the only way.

I'm not American and nobody I know in a committed relationship, not a single one (even the Americans I know), met their partner through dating (where I'm defining "dating" as meeting with strangers or near-strangers with the intent of evaluating a possible romantic connection).

For the most part, my own relationship and the relationships around me started as friendships. People encounter others organically, through some hobby, club, group, event with a mutual friend or something like that. They talk a bit, they (platonically) like each other, they (platonically) hang out just because they enjoy each other's company.

Only after properly getting to know each other (think years, not weeks or months) is romance considered.

So I'd suggest that instead of going broad but incredibly shallow with over a hundred meetings with strangers, try going narrow but deep. Try to make a few male friends that you know and feel comfortable with and see if you find yourself wanting more from any of them.

Even if you don't find romance from any of them, you end up with more friends. They likely have friends of their own that you can also befriend and the cycle continues.

This post is framed as a laundry list of the things you've tried, but there's no information about your interactions with the men you dated. So I'm curious about what prevented those 120 dates from progressing forward.

How many different men did you go on the 120 dates with? How many men asked for second or third dates? Of these, how many did you accept? How many men did you ask for a second date? Assuming you get a second or third date, what typically ends the relationship?

There's really too little to go on here, but I've found a few common themes among other people who struggle with dating:

- They overrate their value on the dating market and set their sights on people out of their league.

- They're attracted to people who are bad fits in other ways. They may focus on winning over people who just aren't interested in them. Or they're attracted to people who have no intention of settling down with anyone. (EDIT: You wrote below that you set you're range from 30-50. That seems like a good sign that you're not being overly picky. Although, I would wager most 30 year old men setting up online dates with 40 year old women are looking for sex and not marriage).

- They spread themselves too thin, begin treating people like a commodity, and don't put effort into developing meaningful relationships, instead jumping from date to date hoping for love at first sight. You might be playing it like a numbers game, and that can be antithetical to building relationships. Online dating can make it worse, since it's so easy to just move on to the next person.

Also, it's unfortunately just much harder to date at 40+. The people who want to be married often are married by that age. You'll catch people on the rebound from divorces, but they're not always ready to jump back into a marriage. It's not impossible, it's just harder.

EDIT: I just thought of an online dating suggestion from my own experience. Use recent photos that are flattering but realistic. When I was in my mid-30s, I my hair began thinning and I didn't update my photos because I was so self-conscious. And as my hair loss progressed, my dates started going worse and worse. When a woman called me out on it, I finally updated my photos. After that, my dates had realistic expectations and I was no longer losing their trust right off the bat, and things improved immediately.

I know many educated, intelligent, attractive, kind 40 something women. Who also say they want to get married. But, are searching for a unicorn. And will not lower their unreasonable standards. Because, their dream guy doesn’t exist.

Some dealbreaker’s of their’s - never married no kids degree makes 6 figures texan (even though she is in colorado) makes 7-8 figures a year (I kid you not, $1-10M / yr) dog lover vegan wants kids

The list continues for these women. There will always be some ‘red flag’, that disqualifies their potential partner.

Meanwhile, a man just wants - attractive, good in bed, and it’d be nice if she cooks.

Today, women want it all. I don’t think men are built to be the perfect partner and best friend.

You should look for men who are divorced or widowers, because 41 is 41. I know you said “no discouragement” but perhaps that is one of your issues. People who lie to you to avoid hurting your feelings are not necessarily doing you a favor. Very few men who are not in the 2nd hand category or are themselves in their 50s or older are going to be even interested. Your other issue is most men who are not in those categories will feign serious interest just to screw you, after which you will be ignored. That is what a couple of my wife’s friends who are in this category often struggle with. So, my suggestion is to restrict your search to second-hand men.

The biggest lie told in western society is that a woman can either have it all or that getting married/mom is being oppressed.

So the story is now for a woman to work hard, go to school, work / become a “boss bi*” and be independent. Don’t need a man! You go girl!

So this woman reaches a local maxima in career and by her 30s starts to question the narrative she’s bought into. Except Father Time has taken its toll, and what was once a healthy fruitful person is slowly turning into a dry fruit.

A successful career woman, will want to find a partner who’s her equal or better. So she’s now targeting someone who’s:

mid-30s+ * at same income or higher * single

Except this dreamy man who fits the criteria is looking for :

* woman in 20s * income ? Who cares?

So now our boss lady is left sad and mad at the false narrative she’s been fed her whole life. A couple more years pass and whatever fake dreams of “I heard IVF is really good now!” Are long gone.

Free lunches don’t exist.

I am a man who dated many women casually via online dating, until I decided to settle down (wrote about this here: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=31021578), so I think I can bring a somewhat relevant perspective.

Based on my experience, dating is absolutely a market driven by a typical economy of supply and demand, and the supply of "good enough" men who want to settle down with a woman is virtually unlimited for virtually any woman out there, in virtually any major US metro area. This means that the problem might be in yourself, and my guess is:

- Men perceive you as "weirdo". For example, going on a first date and immediately stating that you are looking to have kids since your time is "running out" would be a red flag even to the most desperate men.

- (I bet my money on this) You are too picky, even if you don't think you are, and the only men you're interested in are the ones who have an overwhelming abundance of choice (e.g. top 5% in terms of earning, looks, status), and as such are not in any pressure to settle down with you.

> I’ve deeply invested myself in therapy, support groups, meditation, dating coaching, yoga and hypnotism.

I’ve known plenty of my female friends who were so aggressively “fixing” and improving themselves, that they even didn’t notice how big their ego had become.

Their whole life was revolving around Me Me Me, I want to be perfect, I want a perfect marriage, I want a perfect husband, I am perfect, I I I…

It’s hard to explain, but from the side it was obvious for me why men kept avoiding them, which perpetuated the vicious circle of “self-improvement”.

No sane man or woman would want a partner obsessed with his ego.

No matter how fit, smart and beautiful the partner is.

I don’t know if it has anything to do with your situation (for that I’d need to know you in person at least) — but I see the described pattern in many women (and men too) around me. So maybe it was useful for someone.

My two cents, and I’m no expert…

Trying too hard is unattractive and unsuccessful. Many guys get spooked by someone who is on a short timeline to get married. They’re doing you the favor backing out early. This isn’t an accomplishment that one checks off like getting into the right school, or running a marathon.

Do things you like to do. Find your tribe. Be open to meeting people in that tribe as friends first.

You’re also in a bit of a demographic trap because men yourr age can date women from 25-50. Is your range that wide? If not, open your boundaries for what is considered acceptable (age, profession, already having kids, etc) if the interest and respect is there.

Good luck!

If you've only been doing it for two years... it may just not be long enough. I'm so sorry that's the case, but it seems to be. Also, you say a lot about yourself, but not a lot about what makes someone a "marriageable man". What are your criteria? Who are you looking for? Clearly you have a lot of people who seem like good candidates, so what rules them out?

My own anecdata is that it took me about three years of seriously looking - in my mid twenties - to find the person I'm now married to. She was my first and only successful date from Bumble in two years of using that app. I had done everything else: met people through my faith, through social events, used all the other apps, on and on and on.

Then, when we did meet, it was like lightning. It was one of the most bizarre experiences I have ever had, because I was completely convinced the kind of falling in love I experienced was a) impossible and b) would never be requited, and yet it was happening to me. It still makes my heart flutter thinking about it. I've spoken to my wife about it and she felt and still feels the same way. Within maybe a few hours of meeting each other, we both suspected, and after a couple of months we knew for sure. Like you, I had dated a lot of people, and many of them fit most or all of my personal criteria, and I theirs, but they weren't the right fit for reasons I couldn't quite explain. I don't think that means my wife is "the One" or anything - there is no such thing - but I have never met anyone else I'm not related to by blood with whom I've shared this kind of connection and a romantic intent.

It's incredibly tough and painful to search for that needle in a haystack, and I'm sorry you're going through it. But I believe it's possible to find for the vast majority of people.

I could write a lot more on this subject, but this has probably been poetical enough for now. I hope this helps.

I'm same age and a woman (but lesbian). My perspective is different though but I do understand.

My advice - don't focus on the end goal. Which seems to be multiple: - Be married - Have kids - Be in love

Those goals are all achievable by themselves and each one leads you toward the holy trinity.

Meet people that you can connect with. As a nerd who loves data analysis, you have 120 dates of data you can look into to determine trends. What was the good/bad parts of each date? That might help narrow things down for the future dates.

A lot of men are looking for atleast one of those (sometimes all of the above), but I've seen my male friends get overwhelmed for a lack of a better term when faced with all of them at once.

I know that's not the quick fix advice you want but I think that's the honest truth. There's lots of men out there.

Freezing your eggs is a possibility but I can understand the challenges/reluctance in that.

Good luck and I hope you will come back to this post in a year and add "PS. I found the love of my life and we're having twins!"

Maybe the people who run the sacrament can help. A church or faith. I don't know anything about you really, so here's some knowledge.

Gregory Pine, a Dominican friar does a few videos on the nature of marriage and it's hurdles. They are theological and philosophical.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=itLLHyVW6ek https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ds34wmpxt9I&t=768s

Some random advice added on to complement his videos, if you're crabby like a lobster in relationships, try not to drag people down, bite down on their beliefs too much, or need to be needed. Strength in yourself to overcome that stuff helps, if it's your vice.

Try to not be an immovable foundation for the marriage, like a rock. Give that foundation up to a divine connection to God, or something else other than your own behaviour.

Move away from fighting the endless fight. If you get burnt, let it go, becoming a virginal undefeated combatant who can't lose, isn't helpful.

Look for a guy who is the image of wisdom and truth to your eye/mind. If he sees you (you might not be able to know this) as the image of love or affection for the good, it's going well. Be a little bit reckless with the timing of pregnancy.

Good luck!

You're not going to like it, but I think the men you usually find attractive are out of your league

Also, unfortunately, in today's society, high value men have less incentive to settle down. That is sad. Someone desirable to you, probably is for many other girls too, and they know that

You might be a great person/woman, but might have something turning down people as well... I can't say. We, internet strangers, can't help without knowing you

Personally, I don’t believe dates work for love. For lust, attraction, and curiosity/discovery, sure. But love is what grows over time after (continuous/regular) prolonged exposure. Mostly out of friendship. It is also one of those things that always seems to rise (as a feeling) when you least expect it and aren’t looking for it. Every couple I know met their significant other around study, family acquaintances, sports clubs, etc. Somewhere with a shared, safe(?), reason for being there out of which something grows.

Live your life, meet people. Stop looking desperately and just observe.

As someone in his early 40s, who plunged back into dating during covid after divorce, I guess I might be able to give a perspective from the other side, as it were? Or at least offer a few disconnected observations.

1) My dating age range was set to 30 to 45. After going on a couple of dates with 30 year olds (and bearing in mind that I was last dating in my early 30s), I switched to 36 to 45 because My Word, when did 30 year olds get so _young_? This is a long-winded way of saying that older men only wanting younger women is by no means a universal.

2) Some men really want children, and some really don't, but most will go along with whatever happens, and be happy if it does. Most of my male friends with children validate this: they are happy to have children, but admit it happened because it was what their partners wanted. This is a long-winded way of suggesting that when it comes to evaluating potential partners, the buckets should be "definitely doesn't want children" (so, not for you) and "everyone else". You don't need to only sample from the "definitely wants children soon" bucket. That bucket is tiny.

3) Being indelicate, after 30 people age very differently. Aging well makes you a catch :).

>Over the last two years I’ve been on over 120 dates with men I’ve met online - a few I met in person - in 3 different cities

I'd aim to reduce your rate of new dates over time by changing your criteria for whether to go or not. There is likely a mismatch between them and whatever your true preferences are. Obvious to focus on the specificity, but my hunch is that sensitivity is the key. Worth considering also that the pool of potential mates (spanning 3 cities) is vastly greater than almost anyone else at any time in history had access to, which also suggests that selection criteria are the important factor here.

>I’ve read and done the exercises in Calling In the One, Love Addiction, Datonomics, Make Your Move and If the Buddha dated. I’ve listened to every episode of Girls Gotta Eat.

Similarly, I'd also aim for quality over quantity in sources of advice. At a certain point, more advice will just dilute the concentration of good advice.

A good friend of mine once told me: "You can be a great mother or a great career woman. You can't be great at both." She's now a SVP at a well-known company, but got there by making a conscious decision to forgo raising a family of her own. You seem like a very busy person, so I have to ask: are you prepared to give it all up? Or are you just looking to check off a box of life's accomplishments, like a project manager sifting through the backlog in a frantic panic? Because if you're out of story points to assign you can't do it all.

Are you prepared to be the young lady I saw in the grocery store this evening - holding an infant in one arm and pushing the shopping carriage with the other, with a sweaty look of defeat on her face? If the answer is no, then don't have children. Sadly I think you have bought into the myth that you can have your cake and eat it too. I'm sure someone will reply with countless examples of how it is possible, but I ask are those examples of great parents, or are they examples of people who own children? Having a child and raising a family is a lifelong commitment. You need to give it your all. If you're doing it for the wrong reasons, bragging rights, because it was a life 'goal' etc.; the child, and by extension society, will suffer for it. You can still have a very fulfilling life.

My personal opinion - outsourcing your child's rearing to a full time nanny or dumping them off to childcare as many busy people do - is harmful to the child's development. Anecdotally speaking, some of the most successful people I know also have some of the most f--ked up kids I've ever seen. It's because they're never around to raise and discipline them properly.

I'm not sure this will be at all helpful to you, but I will ahar a short story that had a meaningful impact on myself. I was at the point where I felt finding someone was hopeless (though now I realize I was still quite young). I was on a tour trip and spent a few days with a couple whom I learned found each other through an arraigned marriage. At first I was out off by the idea, but over the few days together l realized that they had something beautiful. They made a commitment to work together. After that I changed my efforts from finding a perfect match to finding someone I could work together with. Since then I have known my partner for 10 years and been married for over seven.

I don’t usually post, but I wanted to weigh in. We don’t usually know quickly if it’s going to work out with someone. If you can get that many dates, then you are attractive so don’t worry about that. And guys are attracted to you so don’t worry about that. Coffee is a perfect first date, and waiting until you are comfortable with a guy before intimacy is also fine - just don’t let the guy feel like you are using them. The right guy will not care if you make more money - you can weed them out that way. But for the others, try just taking it one step at a time. Be patient with them and yourself. The first few dates should only be about if you can laugh, have fun, and share honestly with each other. They should never insult you or put you down or purposefully make you ashamed of yourself or your life choices. They will certainly say the wrong things sometimes and mess up, its ok- just no pattern of it. We all make mistakes amd it can be hard to forgive. But serious long term relationships have to have forgiveness or they would end at the first mistake. Tell them you always wanted a family but previously work got in the way. Take the time to make a real connection and follow your heart. Date one person maybe 5 or 6 times, and if you don’t feel potential by then, pick another. Your success and ambition is attractive. You will succeed if you have patience with them. Good communication and being able to laugh together is essential. Pick those guys who you can talk and laugh with and go on one date every week or two with them. I know you will succeed and once you find that right guy it will all become so easy and move quickly after a short amount of time!

I'm going to tell you what I think is the issue here.

You probably are not looking for the kind of advice that will actually work. Because that advice entails changing your end goal (lowering your standards) instead of merely changing your strategy. You are vehemently agreeing with the posts that flatter your "strategy" and disagreeing with the ones that get to the bottom of the issue (The men who will meet your standards can get young attractive women, they don't care if you are smart/successful.)

You also have an inflated sense of how smart you are. You are a humanities graduate running a generic education startup. Not the kind of tech genius you are painting yourself to be. You said you can't find any men as smart as you? Seriously? You can't find men smarter than you? Or is it that you have an inflated sense of how smart you are combined with a very narrow definition of what "smart" is?

I also looked at your twitter and you are not physically attractive enough to go on 120 dates and not find a match. Sure your friends will tell you you are beautiful but you are physically a 6.5/10. I don't say this to be mean, but to be honest. You are a 41 year old woman and you look like it. The kind of men you are looking for will not start dating you now. You seriously underestimate how much this factors in to the equation. I'm a 25 year old guy and you probably make more money than me, but I won't date you because I don't find you physically attractive enough. Men who have much more money than me would also probably feel the same.

Hey! I'm a guy, single, 37, also living in Austin, and I have no idea what I'm doing with my own love life. I read a lot of my own feelings in what you write. If you'd like to meet someone with no weirdo agenda (or at least like, not worryingly weird), get in touch?

No pressure to respond, and I don't want to be an internet creep. I just thought you might like to know you're not the only one like us out there. You posting this here was so brave and I feel less alone just having read it.

It sounds like you are earnestly trying. This is genuinely a difficult problem, so please do not get discouraged. You only need to succeed once.

A large part of the problem is that many men who wanted to be married are already paired off.

You may have to make tradeoffs for “willing to marry and have children” versus other aspects of what you want in a partner.

Out of all your friends who are (happily) married, could you see yourself with someone like their husband? If the answer is no, why not?

Also, if you are religious, have you thought of finding someone via those events?

Closeness comes from sheer amount of time spent together. I'm talking hundred+ hours just to get a new friend. Relationships beyond that require even more time.

Random dates are not the best way to fall in love, you want repeated interactions. People who you hang out with socially all the time.

This is why church/work/school have been traditional ways to find a partner. Lots of time spent close together talking and getting to know someone.

Odds are you aren't going to find yourself super duper into someone after one date. You need to do an objective judgment to see if there might be potential (good personality fit, right stage of life, etc) and go on a 2nd and 3rd date, preferably longer events, a day at a water park, skiing, whatever, just really spent time together.

Relationships can take months of interactions to blossom!

Source: I used to run a startup dedicated to helping people make friends and build long lasting relationships (non-romantic), all the research out there says the same thing: time time time!

Oh btw "love (lust) at first sight" is evolution's way of tricking us into spending lots of time with one person, thereby allowing a deeper relationship to form. (Or not in the case of people who just seek new relationship energy all the time)

Maybe it's time for an "Ask HN: Who's Single". I can't imagine there's only one person on here trying to find someone.

If politics are occasionally allowed on here, maybe that would be, too.

I absolutely love your honesty. Your willingness to put yourself out there and then not get defensive when people are a little bit harsh in their opinions is exceptionally rare.

Since I love children so much, it’s a little heartbreaking to hear your yearning. The one encouraging thing I can say is that you are insanely brave and you are an exceptionally clear thinker. I wish you the very best on your journey.

You asked for a hack: Our culture is messing up your perception of the pool of available men.

500 years ago your possible mating pool was about 50 people, and the most attractive man you'd ever seen lived in your village, and you knew him.

Today advertising and the media is parading hundreds of impossibly attractive people in front of you every day. It messes with your perception of normal, and guys that you know can never measure up to the standards of guys in movies.

The only way out is to know that your standards have been artificially inflated and deliberately lower them.

Next time you go on a date compare the new man to the last 50 or so dates, if he's in the top half then marry him.

My impression is that all the complex and time consuming things you have been doing, you are just doing in order to to leave a properly documented trail to convince yourself (mainly, as well as anyone else) that you made a good and proper effort, and that the lack of a result must be due to some uncontrollable external factors, and not something like your heart not being in it, or you're scared or reasons like that.

These are three options, there are more:

Option 1: Expand the pool - learn to be turned on by and interested in a wider variety of people.

Option 2: Convert an existing relationship, perhaps a platonic friendship, to a mutually beneficial partnership.

Option 3: Genuinely give up, allow yourself to relieve yourself of any expectations, and try to become mindful of the internal pressures you are applying on yourself as a reaction to your own childhood etc.

I wish you the best luck. My advice for the children part is: this is deeply personal and everyone is different, for me personally biological children would be out of the question at that age (esp given no current long-term partner). However there’s other options.

My sister had a 2 yo and was pregnant of 7 months when her husband had a sudden heart failure and passed away. It was as dramatic as you imagine.

She rebuilt her life, eventually meeting her current partner, a great guy who loves has her and her two children. They are a happy family, he is their dad.

Life throws hard balls sometimes, but it also surprises you. I guess my hack is “keep your eyes open, you might not get the limousine you wanted but you could get a tank instead, and tank are quite cool”.

I also think it would help if you mentioned something about why you think none of the previous 120 candidates didn’t work out.

Again, best of luck.

Sorry you're going through this. That sounds trying.

Was it Alaska that was described as "the odds are good, but the goods are odd" regarding the dating scene and overabundance of men? Maybe a summer in Anchorage is worth a try. You will lose Austin's amazing taco scene, but gain some glaciers :)

Have all the rejections been from one side, or has there been a mix?

I don't think I have a great answer. Before I met my wife, it felt hopeless. I had dates and girlfriends, but no one I would want to spend the rest of my life with. And then I met my wife at work, and very quickly it felt obvious that I would spend the rest of my life with her.

I guess my point is that it isn't something you build up to, necessarily. It goes from "there is no way I could find a life partner" to "I can't imagine not being with this person" without much in between. It isn't like you start with someone where you say, "Oh, I could spend a few weeks with this person", move on to the one year person, before finally getting to the lifetime partner... it just happens.

Personally speaking, formal dating never worked for me. It was always too much like a job interview, where both parties were looking for reasons to say “no”. The only meaningful relationships I’ve had so far in life were with women I met as friends in school or on one-night stands I didn’t want to end. I think in both cases this was because the fundamental dynamic was looking for reasons to say “yes”. If interviewing for full-time roles hasn’t worked for you, perhaps try a more freelance approach.

Some ideas worth exploring.

1. Find a guy from a set that's undervalued. For example: 20-something shy nerd that's inexperienced with women, and doesn't have a lot of self confidence. In 10 years, they would probably be a "catch" but caught by someone else then. Think grad/law/med student at highly competitive technical university.

For example, read about Scott Aaronson's early adult years https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2015/01/the-blo... and the type of person who he could have connected to then.

Downside is you may not find them immediately attractive, but you need to have some perspective on what they will be like with a few years of maturity and self-confidence will bring. Note they may not be that actively dating, so it might require extra effort to meet, and the stigma some may attach to going out with someone 10-15 years younger.

2. Cosmetic surgery. Be brutally honest on what can take you from, say, an 8 to a 9. Guys like certain physical attributes, and in general may get you more attention even outside of a dating app.

3. Be more open to men you're not immediately attracted to. Perhaps you think they're obese--but that could be a reflection of being single in their 30s and 40s and being unmotivated. Guys can clean up real well if they have a reason to.

4. Go move to different city/countries for a few weeks or months. You'll likely get some attention as a new person and get some totally different types of men to date.

5. Hit up your married networks. Be shameless. Ask your female friends to ask their spouses if they know anyone at work. Could be "Yeah, Dave is a mess, just got divorced after his wife cheated on him--he needs someone sweet and understanding". DON'T ask for pictures before agreeing to date, just base it on your friend's character assessments.

Hi! You seem to be an exceptional woman. It has so many qualities. What man would be on your level? Powerful men don't care how much you earn or what position you hold. They have so many options that if you have a standard of beauty and femility, you won't attract them.

Lower your requirements and expectations. Look for what you have in common with the men you meet. If you look for men with status and beauty, you will only find people who are interested in status and beauty.

Automatically translated.

Obviously it's hard to be insightful without knowing you. But having been on that many dates without any relationships would seem to indicate you're good at saying no.

Oftentimes people talk about lowering your standards if you aren't finding a mate. But that's basically impossible advice to take. Nobody thinks their standards are unreasonable or unrealistic.

I wonder if it might help to look for reasons to say yes. Yes to a less promising match, to a second date even if the first wasn't great.

My problem is that I say yes too easily which is a similar problem. And I that vein if you ever find yourself in Houston you should look me up. 39m, who knows? Maybe you'll start the trend of DateHN just like AskHN and ShowHN.

Well, let me start by reflecting a few things back at you that I've noticed you said.

- it sounds like you have no problem doing self work (therapy, meditation, working out, etc)

- it sounds like you have no problem trying new strategies around relationships

- it sounds like you have no problem getting first dates

So, it seems like the main problem is taking a potential partner, forming a serious relationship with them, and getting to the marriage point. The good news is you only need to do this successfully once. So it sounds like the deep question you need to solve is, why aren't any of these attempts working out?

I'd say the best advice I could offer for this is to follow up with people you've gone out with, and ask them why it didnt work out, and genuinely listen to what they say. You could say something like "Hey, I know it didnt work out between us, and that's okay. I'm seriously looking for a partner, and I've been struggling. Could you tell me more about what our interaction/relationship/date experience (pick the best term for the person here) looked like from your perspective? I think feedback you could give me would be help, and I'd be really appreciative"

For more misc advice I'd also say

- It sounds like youre spending a lot of time trying a lot of things and going on a lot of dates. Maybe try scaling things back so youre putting more effort into fewer things that have a higher potential. So it sounds like you have very clear relationship goals (marriage, kids, etc). I'd be very upfront about that (maybe mention it on apps, but at least on the first date 100% for sure). Cause like if they dont have the same goals, or are unsure, probably both people's time is getting wasted

- Check out the youtube channel healthgamergg. Its done by a guy who was a former yogi, and now is a physiatrist. The content is very therapy related, but he talks a lot about people who have a hard time with relationships. I think the quality of the stuff he makes is extremely high, and I've gotten a lot of value from it personally, so maybe you might as well.

Let’s start with the unpleasant. You are old and female. The best catches, as relationship minded males, are off the game board. Secondly, as an old female your expectations are likely unrealistic compared to what’s available yet simultaneously the more you date the more exhausted and desperate you will get.

The pleasant: Since you are an older single professional you have money, which means you have options. You also have your educational and career history which should provide you an awareness of the world and people that younger people don’t have, but then this assumption is only 50/50 as there are plenty of older people who are single because they are borderline autistic.

I strongly recommend not being too reliant on dating apps to meet people. All old single people do this out of desperation/convenience, which pools the desperate people together. It takes more work, especially if you are low in extroversion, to meet real people in the real world but your odds are so much better. Set your expectations low, relax, and try to have fun with it. The best benefit of being single is the freedom to do things married people with kids can’t, so keep trying to meet real people and not rush it.

In my experience, stop looking and it'll find you. I met my wife on the beach, basically randomly. Neither of us wanted a relationship at the time, we just enjoyed talking to each other so much. Our "first date" was to a hiking meetup, where we ditched everyone and broke into a park after-hours, explored shit, and at some point, kissed, while hiding from the park rangers.

But seriously, just stop looking.

Sorry to be blunt but it seems that you might just be too picky. The few men you found attractive may have been "out of your league" and just trying to hook up. They ghosted you when they understood you were looking for something different. And they may have skewed your perception of what is really attainable. Have you tried dating men that you would consider a bit less attractive? Older men? Divorced men? etc. Attraction isn't always instantaneous and can develop over time if you give it a chance. As an encouragement, you do sound intelligent and kind. Good luck!

Dating is game theory, both people try to get someone better than themselves. Naturally it's impossible to find equilibrium. Unfortunately Satoshi Nakamoto did not find a solution to this problem

If you have not, I suggest reading Dale Carnegie's book, "How to Win Friends and Influence People." You might also consider the associated "Dale Carnegie Course."

The book is a perennial favorite. I return to it before big work events, job interviews, or as I feel my interpersonal skills shift from my desired norm. The course was instrumental in setting those norms by encouraging a deep interest in individuals and improving my speaking and (more importantly) listening skills.

I largely credit Dale Carnegie's teachings for my marriage.

Do you have any close male friends? What is their advice? Do they have single male friends to introduce you to?

What has gone wrong in previous dating relationships? Nothing stuck? Ghosted?

Marriage is a game of 'good enough' not soulmates, and I think a lot of chagrin over the whole thing comes from this.

You've come to the right forum for being given advice by a bunch of men. Good luck

There is a solid system that I have seen work quite well in the workplace and a few of my colleagues relationships.

https://issendai.com/psychology/sick-systems.html

Use demographics to your advantage.

An obvious example: Chinese men have to clear a very high bar to be marriage material because of the shortage of women. Take advantage of this. You could start learning a martial art popular in China, then do an extended trip over there to “study” that style. That would give you the excuse to meet thousands of men self selected for attractive traits and a setting for in depth interaction several hours a day.

Hire a private researcher like gwern.org to research a source of unfair demographic advantage for you. I think Elisabeth from LessWrong is also available for arbitrary research hire but I don’t remember her website. Maybe someone else can link?

English is not my native language. But I have some advice for you to learn from the best (not from me):

There is 99.99% of everyone comments in this thread who can't give you the best advice - because everyone is not enlightened.

You should try to learn/understand Buddha. He is a real person, he left the throne and didn't live a family life. Try to find basic Buddhist books, I believe you'll be happier when you understand monk don't want to get married.

I’m going to provide you with some horrible advice. Please don’t take it.

Date married men.

There are a huge number of married men in my social group who want to have kids, but their spouse is unable or unwilling. These men sound just as forlorn as you.

One finally divorced his wife and is engaged to a woman with two young sons. I’ve never seen him as happy.

I’d estimate that 10% of my married male friends are in this circumstance. Half are deeply committed to their wives, but the other half could be swayed by the opportunity for a family. Those 10% of men, are significantly better catches than any of my still unmarried friends.

My unmarried friends have mental illness, drug/alcohol addiction, or… both. One has a significant physical disability. It’s a horrible pool to date from.

Again, disregard my advice.. but that’s what I’d do if I were you.

Most people find a relationship in fewer than 120 dates. What's been the barrier for you?

I am reading and cheering your openness and vulnerability -- it seems to have sparked vulnerability in your commenters.

I'm a man, 53 now and 5 years divorced with one wonderful daughter 15.

There have been a lot of pitfalls along the way and one of the deepest, for me, was not being able to be honest with myself about my goals. So hearing about your life and choices honestly has me scratching my head here, since you are nothing if not clear eyed.

I guess I'd have to say that the pool you are fishing in is overfished maybe? Any chance you could change the pool perhaps? Differently educated, differently abled, different culture perhaps?

Anyhow I am inspired to reach out more myself. I admire your candour.

I have two close friends who found themselves in your situation but are now in their 50s. One remains single and the other doesn't. The one who married chose someone who initially surprised me. He had issues and I didn't think it was a great match. They still have to deal with some of these issues but they are very happy.

You seem to be trying very hard which suggests you may have big expectations. If someone is thoughtful and makes you laugh, this is a good start.

The other thing I would say to you is go to a local church. They are often at the heart of local communities. It can be a good way to get to know people in a more meaningful way.

You have some incongruency in what you write: you wrote that you are beautiful, but men ghost you after 1 night.

As a man I can tell you that all my friends want to be intimate with a beautiful woman at least multiple times even if she has an unbearable personality.

I'm 40 and most of my successful friends who want kids date women under or around 30, because that's what our urges say when we want more than just sex / relationship.

The reality is that at this age if you really want a partner with a baby you probably have to marry a guy you are not attracted to (my suggestion for a 25 year old woman who wants to marry would be very different).

Given the little time you have left, i'd recommend going with that friend that's been secretely in love with you, but you've only ever considered a friend.

My guess is that you've built yourself a modern romantic image of what a couple should be (aka : two maddly in love young beautiful people having crazy passionate sex every night) instead of the traditional one (two grown ups trying to build a family against the constant shitstorm that life is).

I'm not judgemental, as i'm almost in the same situation as you, except as a guy i feel i still have a bit more time (but not that much).

It sounds like you’ve been trying the typical “random” dating approach. Meet some guy, figure out if you like each other, then ??? That approach has a high miss rate and doesn’t work for all people.

If you are indeed ready to find someone I would advise you to get pragmatic and be specific about exactly what you want.

Write down exactly who you are looking for. Try to narrow to age, race, physical characteristics, etc. Literally, every aspect that is important to you. Write it down with a pen on paper. Make it real and get it out of your head.

Then, aggressively start looking and use the criteria you’ve developed.

A) Austin is not really a great city for somone single in their 40s--especially female. There's just too many young people you're competing against because of both the University and the "Live Music Scene". In addition, becasue you're in Texas, you've got a bunch of religious-affiliated men who will likely screen you out for various reasons (education, mostly). Some place like Pittsburgh would probably be better.

B) One question you need to ask yourself is: Do you really have your list of wants adjusted to a realistic level.

I can't find the video now (we'll see if HN can pull it up :) ), but there was a woman (from University of Pennsylvania? Statistics department?) who decided that she would apply her statistics knowledge to dating.

When she listed her desired characteristics, she calculated that there were a total of 3 men in all of Philadelphia who would match--of which 2 of them were likely married already.

That was pretty eye opening to her. It doesn't take many characteristics before you've screened out practically everyone.

After fixing that, she applied her statistics to adjusting her dating profile to start matching her with the people she wanted and was quite a bit more successful in her endeavors.

Good luck.

I understand your frustration. You've tried so many things without finding success.

Chances are we can't tell you anything your therapist(s) and dating coach(es) haven't already - they probably have a lot more information about you, and are specialists in the area of relationships.

You mention you've been on over 120 dates - that's a lot of dates! Were there any second dates? Why or why not?

> By most cultural standards, according to my male friends, I’m smart, beautiful, fit, kind, emotionally mature and doing meaningful work in the world. Not too needy and not a workaholic.

Sometimes it's difficult to get an honest opinion from friends. There might be some turn off. It could be even something positive, there is AFAIK a phenomenon of men being intimidated by successful women.

That's 60 dates a year. You're talking to the next guys before you ever give anyone a chance.

You need a professional to evaluate your situation. They can give you a better understanding of what your situation is. You can't do it alone. You need someone that's honest and will give you an honest evaluation.

I've never seen you but I am almost certain that physical beauty is not the problem. It might be your behavior; maybe you're too shy. Or the type of people you are dating; maybe you have different goals. You can't see it so it's better to let someone else tell you. Someone that's not your friend.

Also, be careful of getting too wrapped-up on the idea of finding the perfect mate. There is no such person. Popular fiction has deceived many women and men into thinking that if you wait long enough your perfect mate will come. That's unlikely. We are all imperfect so don't think you are "settling" for someone when in reality that's how life is. Just know that you can share a very good and happy life with someone even if they are not perfect.

I wish you success.

The good news is you've practiced the situation a lot and you can find a date easily. I guess there's no point in asking your friends if you managed that many on your own.

120 seems like a heck of a lot of dates, I would think most people find their life partner in under 20 first dates. That's including random hookups, for most people I've known well enough to tally. It's also enough of a sample that it would drown out any noise, meaning your average dating mistake or unattractive trait would not really matter, someone will bite regardless of whether you pick your nose or confess to a love of pineapple pizza.

My guess is there's something about how you're proceeding with things that is unorthodox. Some kind of wrong vibe thing where either guys hit the panic button, or you hit the panic button. Perhaps you are anxious, that's a common hangup that can be dealt with once identified.

From your 120 dates:

- Did you keep some sort of summary of what happened?

- How did you meet? Why did you want to go on the date?

- Do you have specific requirements that were not met? Did they?

- Did you get any feedback that wasn't a canned response (No chemistry/Not sure I'm ready/It's me not you/etc)? Sometimes you will get someone who gives you a real insight.

Couple of random suggestions:

- Hire a professional matchmaker. I almost did this once, ended up meeting my wife right before paying the guy. Seems like a good enough deal, you basically pay a person to find some candidates and go and date them.

- Move to another country. London, Sydney, maybe somewhere in Europe if you're comfortable with the languages. You may find there's something odd about American dating culture that you won't understand until you leave it.

How many interactions were not online-based? I have no idea how much it matters in general or how much it matters to you, but I have had various friends have trouble meeting in one space but then have a lot more success in the other.

Another thing might be what 'sources' for interaction you consider, dates/hookups/meetings vs. people you already know. Lots of people meet each other by proximity, like at work, special interest groups (like sports clubs), volunteer work, conferences etc. If you consider what friends you might have and how you got to meet and know them, the same source might be a place to find someone to become more than friends with.

Lastly, is there a risk of forcing the issue, "looking" for someone to play a specific role instead of having a single interaction grow into more interactions, and then get to friendship/intimacy after that etc. Most of the long standing relationships around me (and my own) are based on organic growth.

I am a man (married now) but when i was dating women like you scare me

Sounds corny, but it'll hit you when you're not looking for it/when you least expect it. It's been the case for me (not married... yet?) and others I know who are in great relationships.

Personally, I wanted to be a bachelor/single a bit longer, having left a long relationship not even a year prior. Ended up meeting the most amazing, beautiful, intelligent, wonderful, loving, compatible person I could ever wish to be with, all by chance/when I wasnt looking. It's been 5 and a half years and meeting her is a top highlight in my life.

Relationships I've had that resulted from actively trying to find someone more times than not left me miserable.

Never chase and don't set expectations. Again, it's corny, but who you need will hit you at the right time when you're not wanting. In the meantime, do you, let go of controlling the situation, and just let things just happen.

It's tricky - the more you force it, the more likely that you end up with the wrong person, especially when you feel like there's a ticking clock due to wanting to have kids.

Pick at random, put your career in the background for a little while and make this your priority. Preferably move out of expensive places where people are too focused into their work.

What has led those 120 potential partners to not work out?

From what you’ve described here, you’re quite the catch. Is it that belief that is leading you to have too high of standards for your mate?

I always felt like dating was just a job interview, and it completely put me off. It feels as exhausting as grinding for technical interviews. Your comment about choosing a partner being like choosing a CTO makes me wonder whether you're coming at it with a similar frame.

I met someone on Reddit last year and we got to know each other very intimately, because of the safety of the anonymity. We eventually met in person, and it's really great.

I later read "Click", which I highly recommend, and it completely explained why we connected so deeply.

I wish I had learned a long time ago to "go first" and take the risk of sharing my feelings with strangers, because that's how you build a deep connection with someone, quickly. After that, if you communicate well, you find them physically attractive enough, and you trust them to have hard conversations, that's it.

Don’t be discouraged. You appear to be a very goal-oriented systematic person, maybe lacking some reflective skills but what do I know. But life is not systemic and goal-oriented. You kinda can’t force it. The differential equations underlying the complex tangle of feedback that we call society care little about what you want or need. So maybe just let things happen and try to enjoy whatever is happening? I’m not saying letting yourself go or giving up but rather accepting the world does not follow a checklist and neither does it do what you want. Besides, seeing someone, by your description, perfect, with a laser-like focus on something would be quite terrifying. I’m not perfect, I don’t have that sort of focus and I would not even know how to start with trying to keep up with you.

I suggest 'giving up' and just have fun, travel, sports, get fitter to play better.

Be the mysterious woman having fun.

A man's imagination is far more powerful than any reality you might conjure up, you can reveal too much.

Remember, men will consider 90% of women, but women only consider 10% of men.

There's a lot of competition for that 10%.

I hope this isn't too blunt but worth confronting if it's part of the trouble. Have you been very promiscuous during those previous 3 decades? For some men, that makes you a great choice for a girlfriend but a no for a wife. There's cultural shaming of men for having this preference so you might not hear it openly expressed a lot but it does exist and influence their decisions.

In case it doesn't work out like you hope, marriage can be a disaster for a lot of people, especially if you get into it out of desperation and tolerate minor ongoing disrespect or abuse, hoping it'll go away, then you can't get out because being single and even older seems worse than the little bit of human contact your spouse provides, and concern for your kids of course.

I think that you're not looking for love but for perfection.

That might be the problem, you can't find perfection.

If it's discouragement you want to avoid, it's likely that it's discouragement you need. You may need to accept that whatever ideal you're seeking doesn't exist. This discouragement may hurt at first, but it will open you up to a new world of possibility.

Might I ask what happened over these 120 dates. Is there none of them you find attractive or see a path to a meaningful connection with in time?

The real hack is to pretend to be very interested in something men are interested in and keep up that pretense for the rest of your life. Like the female equivalent of salsa. Sure it sucks, it's a big investment of effort and time in something you have absolutely no innate interest in, but it serves as a costly signal on your willingness to compromise. I'd probably wife up the first woman who shared any of my hobbies. The other hack is niche marketing. You don't try to be all things to all people, nor go for the same men most other women go for, you look for an underserved market. You can combine the two by picking up an esoteric hobby that typically only men do.

I am responding from bottom to top.

1. Hacks won't do it. You don't hack through life, and if that's your attitude, changing it might help you achieve what you are trying to achieve.

2. If you are willing to do almost everything, I suggest Church-hunting—try to find a suitable religious man. No, I am not joking. If you want my reasoning , you may contact me.

3. I suggest you have a kid either way—it is difficult, but worth it. If you “run out of time”, adopt.

4. Do not make rush decisions based on obscure possibilities.

5. You are probably looking in the wrong crowd. Or are being picky.

6. Take a moment back, and decide how you want to move forward. If you take advice from anyone, take it from a married couple.

My contacts for "internet people": vhjjgf.mob93@simplelogin.co

May I ask if you had relationships in the 20 to 25 years before? It reads very much like you noticed your fertile time is running out and want to find someone for the very first time.

Suggestion of another strategy: Get pregnant artificially and enjoy your time with your baby. This let’s you live half your dream and relax. Being relaxed may in turn lead to getting to know a man that wants you to be present in his life.

You are also entering an age range where men have children from previous relationships, are divorced and want a simple and happy life without many obligations. The arrangement I see is “You and I have our flaws but I like you and want to spend time with you.”

Match makers might be worth looking into if you have disposable income. Match makers doesn’t mean mail order brides. Apparently they are worth the investment from the few friends I’ve known that have utilized their services.

Reminds me of my ex, who had a commitment phobia. While we gelled well and had no major conflicts of interest, she decided to hitch her luck to something else while waiting for "Mr. Perfect". Last time I met her, she's still unmarried, and now with eating disorder and her self-esteem driven to new lows. She's single, almost bitter, and while in a stable boring job with good remuneration, is still unhappy about the pace of events. It might be just because of the commitment issues. You need to leap into the unknown and drive out the fear of failure.

> Since I was a little girl, I’ve dreamed of falling in love and having a family of my own.

&

> I was raised by a single mom and I really want to have kids with a man I love, not do it on my own.

My sincere suggestion is to drop the "falling in love" requirement. Almost ~60 years on this rock and I've to the conclusion that "I really like him/her" is by far the sounder foundation for lasting love than "I am in love with him/her".

Love is a flower that grows from the ground of intimate friendship.

(Also, don't look for Dad.)

p.s. Your post inspired the idea of "Date HN: Who wants to date?"

> Over the last two years I’ve been on over 120 dates

That is... quite a lot. I've probably been on 10-20 over my whole life.

Have you ever been in a relationship before this past 2y? I'm just curious.

(My username is confusing but I'm a woman)

You shouldn't be looking for `love hack`. Your viewing dating as a bug worth solving through teaching, activities and numbers. I view love kind as a very special kind of friendship. And friendship is not really planned. Your best friend might be very different from what a planned best friend would look like. But, life brought you this best friend and it stuck for the best. I would encourage you to just accept whatever comes your way as you would with any beginning of friendship, and accept to let it grow. :)

Dear Manisha,

> By most cultural standards, according to my male friends, I’m smart, beautiful, fit, kind, emotionally mature and doing meaningful work in the world. Not too needy and not a workaholic.

If you're smart, beautiful, fit, kind, emotionally mature, and purposeful yet your male friends would rather stay friends with you instead of taking that extra mile of dating you and building a future with you, your problems don't end there.

True love does not exist. It is just invented by the government and the illuminati.

Sincerely, Josh

Stop being so picky and realize no one (and by extension, everyone) is perfect. No one person is going to fulfill all of your romantic and relationship needs, and that's ok.

Single, male, mid 30s, looking for the same.

I've met many women like you who seem great on paper, but ultimately pass. Because qualifications don't matter as much as how someone makes me feel. If I could crack my own code I would optimize my search. But I seriously cannot..

Surely in the past decade of your life a man has been super interested but you felt 6/10 about them. Maybe commit and work on turning 6/10 feelings into an 8/10 and call yourself lucky.

For me, my grandma was an inspiration. She and my grandpa met just before he was to be sent off to war (WW2). They had known each other two weeks.

After many years and cultural changes to relationships, young me came along, totally confused about how that kind of setup was the strongest example of love and marriage I had witnessed. My grandma told me there was no mystery at all. Two people can make it happen if they both have the desire and commitment to do it. Like anything else worth doing, marriage is hard work, but also very rewarding.

I think in the world of online dating we all secretly feel deep down that it’s a cheap substitute for the real thing. Fairy tales may exist for some, but rewarding marriage still begins with commitment.

I don’t necessarily have any solutions for you, because meeting people is still hard. Maybe take some time to analyze yourself and make sure you’re not burned out. Recognize that the people you are meeting might also be.

I think the best way to have a successful meeting is to get to a place of empathy — one where you can look beyond your own needs to those of the person you’re meeting. If they can let down their guard and do the same for you, then there’s hope it can work.

After all, that’s the essence of the “hard work” that goes into a rewarding marriage relationship — at least that’s what worked for my grandparents.

If only I had fully appreciated her advice when I was younger, then maybe I could have avoided years of frustrated online dating. But I feel fortunate to have met my wife at a time when I was mature enough to reflect on it.

> Over the last two years I’ve been on over 120 dates with men I’ve met online - a few I met in person - in 3 different cities .

What was wrong with them? What common patterns (if any stand out)? If this were a StackOverflow question about reading a file from Node.js, it would be customary to at least enumerate the output you saw after the failed attempts.

But that's not here, which (a) is interesting and possibly important; and (b) makes it hard to say much constructive.

Is it possible that you want the family more than you want the husband? Or that you like the idea of a husband but not any specific husband you could marry?

> ... I was raised by a single mom and I really want to have kids with a man I love, not do it on my own.

Stay true to that and don't let your despair drive you to something you (and a future child) might regret. You have a perspective on this that only the child of a single parent can understand.

Kids raised by single parents have various ways to cope, and one of them is to become unusually independent. Maybe that has something to do with why there was no mention about what specifically was wrong with the men you dated unsuccessfully. Maybe you're, in fact, fine on your own. It's just that you want a child but being a single parent is a no-go.

So here's a hack. Write yourself a letter about all the dates you've been on and what's stopped you from moving forward with each man you've dated. Be extremely specific. Anything from excessive nose hair to anger issues would be fair game.

Then, categorize your dates. Group them according to biggest flaws. Maybe come up with some kind of classification system like "Selfish" or "Doesn't Want Kids."

After collecting the data and categorizing it, what stands out?

Edit: later on in the thread you note:

> I found about 1 in ten attractive and then they ghosted me after a few dates

Here are some ideas to follow up on that:

1. What was unattractive about them? If it was physical, for example, then an online approach is bound to lead to slim pickings and frustration. Be honest with yourself and if physical attraction is crucial, ask for a picture or stop meeting guys online. Whatever the case, 1/10 sounds kind of low.

2. Are you saying that the 1/10 you found attractive then proceeded to ghost you after a few dates? In other words, there has not been a single case in which you called things off after a man makes it past the first cut?

Hi, I am Kind of old school and never used a dating app. I believe most couples Met when they were in a new situation, eg. first week in university, new job etc. Maybe throw yourself into a period of adventure in your life. Like travel the world for a year or try out different, simpler but fun and social jobs - basically enjoy your life with an open heart, mind and arms. This is probably better than a more facts and numbers driven dating app approach.

Not a popular opinion for HN but you know.. just do it. Even with someone you can barely tolerate. Don't let the timeline stress you though, we have enough humans it is not the end if the world if you don't have kids unless biological continuation of your gene is important to you (can always adopt).

I have met people like you many times but with finishing school getting a job,etc... sorry for my seemingly naive advice but go ahead and screw up. Get married and get a divorce if it doesn't work out, or maybe it will? You seem to have a certain standard and an idea of how things should be. What I am saying is if you as you say are so lucky that people would want to spend their time with you then go ahead and give the next guy who tries a shot. It's 2022, you will not be forced to stay with someone and there is no shame in abandoning a sunken ship if it comes down to it. Or give up on the whole idea, my concern for you is you are not enjoying life and living it to your satisfaction because of "the chase". I hope you are not chasing disney, hollywood or some culturally specific idea of a romantic relationship. It is what you need it to be (or rather who), and it is also a two way street.

My wife and me found each other somewhat later then usual, at least over here in the Netherlands. We both suck at the dating game, we went on a vacation to Namibia, it was a group thing and we bonded by the camp fire. No pressure, not intended to date afterwards, no love at first sight. Yet here we are, 15 years later and two children. The situations you describe are pressure situations, relaxing having a good time worked better for me.

It does sound like standards or the dating process may be an issue. 120 dates in two years seems like a huge number to me. But I’ve been out of the dating scene for many years.

I think the main things you need to look for are:

1. Someone you enjoy being around, most of the time, and who enjoys being around you.

2. Someone who shares your general life goals or is motivated to move towards them.

3. Someone who is honest with you and with whom you share a mutual respect.

4. Someone you are physically attracted to.

It seems tough to filter for these things other than #1 and #4 on a single date.

And #2 is malleable. I always said the world has too many people and I never wanted kids. Then I met a girl I liked and overheard a conversation where she told someone that she absolutely wanted kids. So I said “I guess I’m changing that plan” and decided to have kids. We wound up married with 4 kids, and it’s awesome.

I think most other things that people focus on (shared interests, liking the same music, similar background, whatever) are a bit overrated. I would describe them as nice-to-have but not deal breakers. If you can find the four things above early in the relationship and avoid red flags (any sign of abusiveness, mental issues, etc.) you are in pretty decent shape IMO.

Age has a interesting effect on the reproductive marketplace. A young woman (18 - early 20s) is at her peak "valuation" as it were. Typically you will see the most prized women in that age bracket dating older men (mid 20s and up). Men are valued differently, how established they are in life plays a big role in how women value them so having some more time to get their lives together is a positive, up until a point.

There is also a survivorship bias at play. The men who are available in your age range are probably the least interested in settling down and having children. Due to the ticking of the biological clock, a strange thing happens around 25 - 30 for men where they suddenly are pursued rather than pursuer. Most remotely desirable men will find themselves attached at this point even if they didn't intend to be (I sure didn't).

In your shoes, I'd wager your best bet would be divorced men who have children. They have been thrust back into the reproductive marketplace often against their will (women initiate most divorces) but probably enjoy children and are used to being in a marriage.

Happy hunting!

How many men have you rejected and how many men rejected you? If I had to guess the first number is higher than the last. Maybe lower your standards?

Do let me know if you find a decent place in Austin to meet new folk, I'm also trying to do similar and just moved also (from Chicago/UK)

Hi love, I want to honor your for never giving up on one of your heart's deepest desires. I can only imagine the discouragement you're feeling but you're still here asking for support/guidance. From what I'm gathering from your post, the BEST love hack I could possibly offer is going to be something that might seem counterproductive, but hear me out. I know you're 41 and I know your biological clock is ticking and I'm sure that adds additional pressure to find a good man that you love to marry ASAP. Buuuuuuuut there's a way to collapse time on the things you want to call into your life, there's a way to manifest at hyper speed and it's the last thing you'd ever think to do. Here it is... Surrender the timeline completely, surrender the hyper focus on needing to find a man AT ALL. This is an Abraham Hicks teaching. Sometimes when we focus too much on the thing we desperately want we are actually repelling it because we're SO aware of it's absence. The universe always gives us what we are energetic match for and the best way I know to become an energetic match to True Love is: "Stop looking, stop searching, BREATHE, relax, live FULLY, open your heart deeper. Serve this world with your gifts and let it come to you." That was the best advice I got from Lorin Krenn when I was calling in The One, my Sacred Union. I got crystal clear on what I wanted in a man (did a powerful journaling on the 08/08 portal - which is coming up!) and then I surrendered it all to the universe and focused on living my most aligned, soul fulfilling life... and I met the man BEYOND my wildest dreams a month later at a music festival called Blended, which blended culinary, wellness and music (3 of our FAV things in the world!). There's obviously more inner work that I did that I'm happy to share more about but that was the gist of it. In my world, if you desire a Sacred Union, it's INEVITABLE! And in order to speed up the manifestation we have to sloooooooow down. Just know that ALLLL that you've invested in yourself is adding up, it's compounding and you're on the BRINK of the greatest love story... but in the meantime see if you can surrender ALL of it over to the Universe. There's so many powerful resources but the most important one is to decide he's already yours and now you simply get to love yourself and your life SOOO fully that it actually is irrelevant if he shows up in this lifetime or not (love hack - get to a state of neutrality (surrender)). I really hope that was helpful <3

Compromise - there is really no perfect match out there - settle for < 100%.

Was not scared to marry a girl from a totally different cultural and racial background - as wise Yoda said once - "Try not, do. Or do not. there is no try"

A good prenup obviously but 22 years and 2 kids later we still together - it doesd help that I am far easier going than her and don't sweat the small stuff like she does.

That is an excellent checklist, of your actions. That should amount to meeting thousands of people? I am sure there is a list of why you dropped all of them, or why they dropped you. Considering that above 50% of people you meat are mature enough for a relationship (actual research) readapt your criteria.

If the reasons are emotional on your part e.g. Dismissive or Disorganized(fearful) Attachment it will take you a couple of years. Look into Attachment styles on Personal Development School on youtube. It's like a cheatsheet/rabbithole for figuring how to make things work for you and others emotionally.

If you like people at the begining and then not so much, you might look into scaling up from therapist to psychiatrist for quicker results.

Choose someone you would like, be cautious of choosing someone who you think everybody else would like. Could you choose someone e.g. fat? Why not? What other social disproval criteria might have crept into your checklists?

It is streightforward but not always easy. Good Luck!

I don't have answers, seems to me you're doing everything that should be done. I do have questions that you need to consider

1. Are you having trouble getting dates? (Is the problem that you're not meeting enough people?) 2. If you're meeting enough people, why are the dates going sour? Are you leaving the men or are the men not interested? 3. If the men are leaving, it's probably a good idea to ask for an honest feedback from some of them. 4. If you're leaving them, it's a good idea to understand what exactly is it that you don't find great about them?

In my opinion. If you have a long checklist, it'll be very difficult to find someone. There are only a few things that you should look for.

1. Is He Kind to me? 2. Do I find him attractive? 3. Does he have any visible mental health issue (Anger, Depression, or Crippling Anxiety)

If these things are Ok, rest everything falls in place.

What’s more important, your job or your family?

Family? Quit/Pause your job. At least for half a year. You’re trying to rush a relationship, that’s just not possible. Go traveling, stay at least two weeks in one place. If you like it stay longer. Meet people in parks, bars, at the beach.

This was how I met my wife. We would have almost nothing in common if we wrote a dating profile but when we talk to each other and are close to each other none of this matters. And it’s difficult because we’re from different countries, speaking different languages, have a vastly different culture. We fought A LOT about language, it’s still difficult to have a more in depth conversation but none of that matters.

Kids: any. If we cannot get our own, we’ll adopt. Who cares if the kid is your own?

Apparently you’ve been in a LTR and let it slip because you need your kids to be based on your DNA. That’s your decision, for us this fact is basically irrelevant.

So part of it is, there's horror stories because every time a man gets gutted in court--which is all the time--he spills his guts again to younger men. Dude I want to get married but I have no idea how I'll sign a marriage contract, which means I have no idea how the ceremony will go, it's too many issues, fuck.

I was lucky enough to start dating my wife when I was 16 and she was 15. Obviously I can't tell much about dating, my love life was set up before online dating, however, my impression from talking to friends and family is that: 1) people expect their possible partners to be completely aligned on lots of things which don't really matter like tastes or opinions in this or that or background and education level. Having similar character, spine and the same outlook to life matters whey more. 2) sometimes they expect their partner to be a life coach, a career mentor, a doctor or lawyer or whatever - someone with answers to difficult things in life. 3) "oh if he's saying X then he definitely is like my ex": people with many past relationships may be biased and dump a good candidate just because said candidate signaled something.

Men are not picky. It’s weird to lump people into categories like ‘marriageable’ and choose someone because they’re educated. People have much more important properties in a relationship. Someone with a trusting and caring nature will be a million times better partner than one who only has some cool PhD.

My first impression is that it sounds like you have a strategy problem. Give some thought to those 120 dates, years of self-improvement and searching, and where your successes and failures have been. The men, the apps, other factors? Identifying the pain points can help you find ways to overcome them.

Hey I wish you the best of luck in your quest.

Can you tell us a bit more about why the dates you have been on didn't progress further? This video might be worth a watch https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xaQP_8ydBc

I don't want to hurt you but reading your story it strikes me that you haven't give coincidence a chance, not everything in life can be reached by hard working towards your goals. A lot of things in life are random shit. sometimes you need to give life a chance by doing nothing.

Success with your quest.

For the data-driven.

Austin is not a good place for women to find a man. It favors educated, successful older men, pairing with younger women.

Go west. Silicon Valley. Less men, more women.

Dating apps tend to have two attachment styles - anxious attached, avoidant (majority for the men on these apps).

And, you may have an avoidant attachment style yourself.

I'm sorry you're going through this, and I'm sorry for the quality of this reply section.

Look into Arranged Marriage ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arranged_marriage_in_the_India... ). Instead of dating sites, explore "matrimonial" sites like https://www.jeevansathi.com/ , https://shaadi.com , https://www.simplymarry.com etc. as only people intent on serious relationship / marriage post on such sites.

Find and join a church, they're great places to meet people. If you're an atheist or agnostic, you can still join a Unitarian church. Although at this point, picking and engaging fully in a religion (whichever) might not be such a bad thing to try.

(Warning, possibly discouraging? ... If the original post is true, then you really must already have a clue about what's up. It seems impossible to me that you could be all that, and do all that, and still really have no idea why it's not working. If none of your friends can possibly fathom what's up, then maybe you need more honest friends. There's something they're not telling you, or that you aren't letting yourself recognize.)

2 suggestions.

1- Have kids on your own via a sperm donor. Lori Gottlieb details her journey doing just so in the excellent book, “¿Maybe you should talk to someone?”

2- Just have fun. With kids off the table, you can find someone you can talk to—a lot lower stakes. Someone you like depending on.

Good luck!!

Have you considered freezing your eggs? It’s quite common for career women to do so nowadays.

There are plenty of people giving advice here on general life stuff and a lot of it seems pretty good, but I don't know how actionable all of it is for you right away.

I met my wife on OkCupid. I think that OkCupid is probably the best online dating site of the major ones (or at least it was when I used it), but it requires some effort. Assuming they haven't changed too much, I think this would help anyone using it:

1. Write a meaningful profile (you can ask r/okcupid for feedback if you think you need it, but I doubt that you do) and include photos showing different scenarios/poses/activities

2. Answer questions and honestly include their importance to you ( https://theblog.okcupid.com/the-most-important-questions-on-... )

3. "Hide" profiles that do not appeal to you. This removes them from your results and also removes you from their results

4. Be honest with yourself about dealbreakers and use them to "Hide" results regardless of any other traits a profile may have. If you know that you want children, don't even respond to (or look at) a profile that says they don't. If you know that you only want to raise kids with a nonsmoker, filter out smokers, etc. In my experience, political affiliation is one metric that can be ignore here. People who are compatible with you will be obvious from other questions that are more important. -ists and -isms are found in all political parties.

5. Prioritize profiles/people (they aren't "people" until you meet them) who have physical traits that you find subjectively attractive. If you prefer redheads, prioritize those profiles. If you prefer short men, prioritize those. If you've been on 120 dates, you should be able to come up with something here.

6. Meet quickly, don't spend days/weeks messaging someone before meeting. First date should only ever be beverages. Second date can be a simple activity, but it needs to still be focused on talking.

Good luck

You might want to read this

https://medium.com/@hunterfoxx/why-sod-swipe-online-dating-d...

Best thing I can say is be assertive in making things happen. Make the first move, first contact. Opportunities pass by if you sit around waiting for it to happen.

For guys this is natural as we are expected to take the initiative since teenage years.

Ask a few of the men you've dated for honest feedback.

Stress to them that you are sorry things didn't work out between you, you don't have an interest in trying again, but you really want to know what they found appealing and not appealing.

Good luck!

The problem is almost assuredly not with these men, but with your perfectionism. Or trauma. Or distorted beliefs about relationships. You need to dig into your beliefs about relationships and uncover where your distortions lie.

It's pretty apparent to me what the problem is here and it's already been voiced in countless posts here by other men.

So, since you asked for encouragement only, I highly encourage you to get some cats to keep you company as you age.

Are checklists common in the western/modern dating scene?

I came up with the concept of checklist from my female friends in the USA. I found the concept bizarre.

FWIW, male 35 yo here, background 3rd world asian country. I never had any checklist.

Obviously I don’t know you and my advice might be off, but maybe it will help. I am also male - but I know several women who were at your situation, and opted to go at it alone (through a sperm donation) or with a non married partner (like being divorced from day zero), and are very happy about this decision.

You really want children, and I think that you will regret it very much if you don’t have them. You also want love - but that’s not something that is so easy to find with so much pressure involved.

Of course it’s not ideal - but life never is. So go make these children. You have all of life to find love.

Your time for having children has run out to be very clear. There’s a very high chance you’re going to subject any child born at 41 to a severe disability and myriad of other lesser problems including reduced IQ.

My friend and his wife just had twins (she’s 56). Sure IVF is a pain, expensive, and can take time… but worrying less about your clock may make remove a stressor that’s getting in the way of successful dating. Freeze your eggs if you haven’t done so, keep dating, try and get honest feedback from friend by double dating, and keep your expectations in check.

My wife is the most amazing woman in the world and there’s no one else I’d rather be with… but I did consider breaking up with her early on over dumb things, just like I had done with other women before.

I don’t have any suggestions about dating in your 40s. But, I will say that finding men that want to become a father in their 40s is going to be hard. We usually already have kids are don’t want them.

What are your weaknesses? Finding someone who has the skills that compliment you are more important than finding someone with identical interests. In my opinion you would want someone to be independent and have their own interest and be willing to blend their lifestyle with yours. I'm married to an accountant and her technical skills and background are substantially different from my own. We don't have the same opinion on everything and don't need to be perfectly aligned to feel like we both have the perfect family.

Lower your standards.

And this is not discouragement. The reality just is that what kills relationships for almost everyone is that their own imagined standards are much higher than what reality has made available to them. You could be Gal Gadot and still be single if you only wanted and would not accept anything less than Ryan Reynolds. Yet everyday, people who you would view as completely undateable get together get married and start families, because they lowered their standards.

Another country? I.e. in your 40s, taking a company relocation may be the best bet?

Marrying between cultures is kind of a different thing since you aren't seeing each other in the same sets of social layers and translation difficulties ultimately simplify unnecessary rituals that might trip up two native speakers.

There are also more blunt approaches like finding an immigration orientated spouse and that can work if they are really on the same page on the lifestyle with children, etc.

Here’s what you need to do: marry the first hugg-integrity reasonably functional adult who is willing to marry you. Boom, solved like they did in the old days.

> improving my odds of meeting a marriageable man

So, am I understand correctly that your odds still didn't play out and all 120 men you dated came out unmarriageable?

Have you considered dating somebody for more than 2-3 dates. Sometimes you don't really get to experience the true person since they're nervous, scared, etc. The more you know and experience somebody, the more they grow on you. Also, have you considered dating people who you wouldn't normally date. You might end up realizing some of the things you required in a man isn't what you really want.

I don’t understand letting the 1/10 men you chose ghost you instead of just putting out. I mean you are wanting to have their baby.

Also being good in bed isn’t rocket science. Just have them rub your clit while they fuck at the same time. coplay is the new foreplay.

finally, see if you are able to actually keep some of the 7,8,9 / 10 guys you are rejecting (for a month or two), for practice if nothing else.

Your experience suggests you can solve your problem in one of two ways: Figure out how to interest the attractive men in commitment; figure out how to feel attraction to someone who will commit.

It might help to analyze what makes you feel attracted to someone. What were the moments, characteristics, or sensations that inspired you to conclude you were attracted to that 10%?

Is this real? There are some thirsty dudes around HN (who isn't?), and they tend to be high earners. Are you sure you haven't gotten to the plot twist yet where, actually, you're a Nigerian princess, and if only you could get a Western Union for $50,000, then you'd be able to resume the throne?

If it is real, though, I mean, good luck?

1) Join a Catholic Church.

2) Go to church every Sunday (alone).

3) Dress tastefully but attractively/femininely

4) Go to all of the social events.

5) Mean it.

(And I do mean Catholic specifically)

If you've gone on 120 dates and found not one of them workable, you need to look at yourself, not "hacks"

Not related to dating, but gave you consider freezing down your eggs and get it done when you manage to find someone?

I would say try to get into hobbies men are interested in - join up a few (tech) meetup groups and talk to as many people as you can. Talk to any men who doesn't wear a wedding band and signal very clearly (but not too strongly) that you are interested in them. Forget dating apps and online.

Your candidate must be a big risk taker: perhaps he's heliskiing now or sailing on a fancy boat? He'd have to make a life changing decision to marry you after just weeks of knowing you: so he's either careless (and thus a poor loser) or is exceptionally good at assessing risk.

Find someone exotic/foreign who likes you? Maybe you're someone from abroad's ideal wife....

I recommend reading "The Invisible Partners" by Sanford, it might give you some insights.

Do you have an idea why the dates you've been on haven't led to a long term relationship?

There's only one piece of advice I'd give - Don't be an askhole.

And no, that's not a typo.

The individuals in your pool of 120 aren't dating for the same reasons you are.

Indians have arranged marriages and community websites dedicated to finding a partner to marry. Perhaps changing the makeup of individuals in your dating pool will yield you better results?

Best of luck.

Have you ever told any of your dates how much effort you are put into finding a partner? If not, why not?

Are you allowing yourself to br vulnerable on dates? If not, it is unlikely that the neccesary attraction is created for a long lasting relationship.

Pray to St. Raphael the Archangel, patron saint of true love. (Read the Book of Tobit)

I am not an indian but the puzzling thing about arranged marriages that I have seen is how it somehow just works - does it not having seen any stats but just observation of colleagues.

But I don't think it will work in a Western culture.

You're a control freak. But you can't control love. I'd suggest you let go. Perhaps the Universe is telling you that should help people, instead of trying to subdue them. Open your heart and let people in.

Go here: https://austinswingsyndicate.org/

I haven't been to Austin, so this is a generic recommendation from google. But the idea is sound.

From here, it sounds like you're trying too hard and it's coming across as desperate or lacking in confidence.

I live near downtown ATX. I'm technically tipsy HN'ing at this hour after going out to 6th and Rainey with a buddy. Heh :)

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your data source was mistaken. The SF Bay Area has the most skewed educated gender ratio in the entire US of any metro. It's not called "Man Jose" for no reason, every bar is a sausagefest, and every other person in Sunnyvale and Mountain View is a software engineer.

It sounds bad to say, but I can basically pick any woman from 18-45 and they're way more attractive in ATX than anywhere except LA. Unfortunately, not all people (women and men included) in ATX specifically are adults where it count. Most people in ATX aren't looking to settle down. Ask me how I know that too. (The worst are the relationship upgrader women out for the next "hotter" guy and/or bigger paycheck who spontaneously forget they have a BF or a spouse. Pump-and-dump material.)

ProTip: Never rent or lease in ATX near a pool unless your goal is to party 24/7.

Dating apps tend to less useful in ATX specifically where socializing is expected. Talk to people in real life casually like human beings without expectations. The more people you talk to and share good vibes with, the more you increase your odds for all kinds of good things.

There are no hacks or shortcuts but connecting with a human being and seeing where it can go rather than focusing on achieving a particular status. No one wants to couple with someone who wants to use them to reach a dream rather than appreciate the real them first and foremost.

TL;DR: Chill out and socialize. Try some CBD if it helps. :)

I'm close to your age, male, been married for quite a while, kids. So take what I write with appropriate amounts of salt, because things definitely look different at 41 than 21.

I've had some guy friends who have been similarly focused on getting married. Great guys, who for the record, are now married to lovely women. But it definitely didn't happen on their timelines or on the paths they intended.

By now you've almost certainly got your list of must-haves and dealbreakers set. But it's interesting that you've been pretty vague about the reasons that most of your relationships haven't worked out. I don't think you're being evasive. But I do think maybe you just don't know. For any given guy, you can give a yes/no answer, but maybe you can't say why.

So let me ask you about your dreams of falling in love and having a family, because there might be some clues in there. What _are_ your dreams? Are they dreams of tying a bow in the hair of your 4-year-old daughter in a princess dress? Watching your 10-year-old head off to summer science camp? Wedding day? Baby shower? Bringing the new baby home from the hospital? Volunteering at the kid's school? Arranging the perfect birthday party?

Or are they dreams about long walks on the beach with your husband? Walking down the aisle on your wedding day? Going line dancing? The two of you making dinner together and snuggling up on the couch to watch a pretentious artsy film and MST3K it? Or family camping trips? Cross-country drives to see the national parks? (Side note: if, in the previous paragraph, you didn't quite notice that none of those items involved a husband, that's worth reflecting on. Not worth getting worked up about, but worth reflecting on.)

The dreams you've had all your life might help you understand what it is that's keeping your dates from turning into more. For example, if you pictured an adventurous husband who'd teach your kids to ride horses and you realize you're dating super-placid, risk-averse dudes, that might be a light-bulb moment.

Two pieces of advice, then a bit of encouragement.

First, it seems like you're hyper-focused on getting married. Relax. Observe. Enjoy. Meet some guys with the express purpose of getting honest feedback on how you come across. In your own mind, take marriage off the table for six months to a year. Just plain not allowed. Maaaaaaybe you can date. If you've a trusted friend, she can give you permission to go on a second date if there's a guy that's just perfect.

Second, there's a surprisingly deep piece of advice hidden in the trite-sounding "become the person the person you're looking for is looking for". You need to know who/what you're looking for. To do that, you need to know yourself well enough to know who/what you're looking for, and that you're not adding extra criteria on top of that. ("He has to be kind...oh, and handsome! and rich! and famous!") It sounds like you've been working on yourself, but maybe a little bit more focused on making yourself a better catch, rather than on figuring out what you're going after and choosing the right bait (to stretch the fishing analogy too far!).

So that advice really all kind of fits together.

But now, the encouragement.

If your guy friends are telling you you're smart, beautiful, fit, kind, emotionally mature, well, I've never met you. I'll trust what they're saying. Ms. Actfrench, I agree with them. You are smart and beautiful and kind. You're working to make the world a better place. That's remarkable. If one of my daughters turned 41 and wasn't married, but was smart and beautiful and kind and working to make the world a better place, I'd tell her I was proud of her and it'd be the truth. And I'd tell her this, too, if she were anxious to get married: It's discouraging when things don't work out the way you want them to. So keep on making the world a better place. And as you're doing that, there will come a time when you'll look to your right or your left and see a guy who's also working to make the world a better place and you think he might be something special, give him a chance. Maybe he'll be the one you get to make the world a better place with, together.

(Hope this helps!)

What's gone wrong with all the guys you've met?

I'm sure you can find someone before your time runs out. But without know what's going wrong it's hard to suggest any changes in strategy.

Keep unmarried. As a married man I can say that marriage and having a kid habe their own quirks and when I look back it was just trading A for B with A not necessarily worse than B.

Always go on a second date if they are respectful and genuinely interested.

Date obese people. They deserve love as much as anyone else, but aren't treated that way.

Try to date divorced men with children since you know they most likely value children, vs a 40yo bachelor which indicates the opposite.

edit:

Point is you know exactly what you value: a family man to love and build a happy family.

You must accept that you are deeply marginalized in this situation given the time frame, and the realistic response is compromise. Drop all other standards and focus on what you actually value: love and family.

Filter against general attractiveness and fitness. Filter for words like "father" and "family". Filter for short men. Etc. Etc.

No advice from me, just wishing you the best in your search.

> Please encouragement only, no discouragement. I’m discouraged enough already.

Please, ask your therapist why you are not married and paste the answer here.

Watch Kevin Samuels on youtube.

I suggest reading 'How to Not Die Alone' by Logan Ury. It's an excellent book that will probably answer some of your questions.

Compromise and marry. Time is running out, and the new dating tech is incredibly good.

you'll get a 100/100 match, 60% should be good enough

A lot of useful things have already been said, so I'll attempt to add value by asking a few questions that might be useful for you to ponder. I'll be as constructive and encouraging as I can.

1. You mentioned you were raised by a single mom - have you seen a healthy marriage before? Perhaps the marriage of close friend or relative? Right now, you have some image in your mind about what "falling in love" and "having a family" means. Where did this image come from? All of us are affected by TV and movies, of course, but, as an adult, you need to see real flesh-and-blood marriages, up-close. Find one or two couples you trust and respect and just ask, and they should be happy to let you in and help. Figure out how to answer this question - what does a good marriage look like to you?

2. More generally, it seems that you are in introspective person - lots of books, podcasts, therapy, exercise, apps. You've dated a lot. But it seems like it's solitary endeavor for you. Do you have close friends/family? Do you have someone you absolutely trust, who understands your life in enough detail that they can see through the "everything's great, how about you?" surface layer? Basically, it's tough to keep your own counsel, to be your own dating coach. You need someone else who can be a loving critic. Ideally, someone who is mature and relationally-successful.

3. We, as ego-protecting humans, have an incredible capacity for self-deception. Something isn't quite adding up. Given your qualities, your evident desire, and your extensive efforts - you should have been more successful they you currently are. Are you sure you're telling the whole story here? For example, some people deeply desire emotional intimacy, but become fearful when actual intimacy is within reach, because they can't bring themselves to show true vulnerability, and risk true rejection. Some people don't want to lose optionality, as, after all, marrying one person means losing out on the option of marrying anyone else. There's something missing here. You don't have to tell me, but it is important that you tell yourself.

4. While often unpleasant to think about, dating has a comparative, competitive aspect. At the very least, your competition will include 30-year-olds who resemble what you were like at 30. In what ways have your grown and become better than the 30-year-old you? What is your "competitive advantage"? And what kind of man will value and appreciate these qualities? Who is your "target audience"? Bluntly, what type of guy is going to pick you over the 30-year-old version of you?

5. Not a question, but I want to agree with comments encouraging you to look at "second-hand men". Basically, you missed the first bus, where all the conventional/normal people paired up between 25-35 years old. What's left are those who didn't get paired-up, or were paired-up but no longer are (divorced, widowed). You might have to go outside the apps, and maybe outside your usual circles in Austin to find them. Almost by definition, they will not be on the stereotypical life trajectory. In my mind, you're looking for someone who has been knocked down but has gotten back up, someone that life has already sanded away the rough edges. My aunt got married pretty late (40), and she found a chain-smoking, obese businessman who was working himself into an early grave. He quit smoking for her, started losing weight, and their two kids are now in college. He's a really cool guy, super funny and generous. How she saw that, back then, I don't know. Somehow I don't think the apps would have matched them.

6. Also not a question - but, if you haven't noticed, people in Texas tend to get married early, and Austin is a college town - there will be an endless supply of marriage-minded 20-year-old women there. Food for thought.

Good luck. And in case it matters, I am a happily-married Texan man with two kids, and, if you ever decide to convert to Christianity, I'd be happy to introduce you to an eligible (and slim and tall) doctor with a somewhat controlling mother.

Have you considered IVF to reduce the time pressure so that you can make a better decision in the long run?

Is it just me, or does this post look like a scam to find a rich guy and con him for all his money? :)

Go on a vacation with an engineer and make him breakfast and and hug him daily. (Worked for my wife)

Perhaps surrender to the idea of "having an accident" as a blessing. I mean that in multiple ways. You sound quite analytical, that means you'll be able to figure out any problem your family ever requires of you. Surrender to passion, have some fun, make love, the babies are what matter more than anything. You don't need to be convinced that you love someone to have a child, you can make the relationship work and find love within it. The love of a child vs a partner is a thing of itself to sprout purpose and 'family.'

It's about the kids, relationships follow after. You have a fear of being a single mom. Try to release that fear. Less mind, more gut. The mind can't feel passion, it directly convinces oneself to avoid it. Passion, love, is very much in the moment and also in and out. Obviously you'd sense a deadbeat. Obviously you have good head on your shoulders. Let fate do its thing and stop over analyzing.

Set an intention that you're going to have a kid, surrender to the universe and flow with what comes your way. More like dancing, less like tests. You know pretty immediately if you vibe on the dance floor. Swing with that flow and just listen to that heart.

I have a friend that’s kind of similar to how you’ve described yourself. She’s in her mid thirties, and she calls me for dating/relationship advice and we always laugh together about how absurd her situation is.

At the end of the day, for her, she doesn’t really know what she wants in a partner. By that I don’t mean she doesn’t know whether or not she wants to get married or have kids, but more granular detail like “Do I need an exercise buddy?” “How important is it how they comport themselves at sex parties?” “Do I want to be involved in their family?” etc.

I read your entire post and learned nearly nothing about you as an individual so I can’t really dispense any earnest advice.

I do have questions though!

1. Is there a common theme of what ends these relationships or stops them from maturing? If so, what?

2. What is your relationship history? e.g. have you ever had a serious or long term relationship? If so, what happened there? If not, do you have any idea why that is the case?

3. Have you dated any of your male friends? In my experience, the absolute best way to start a healthy relationship is to start with a healthy friendship. This isn’t a hard and fast rule, but companionship rocks.

It seems you are trying too hard and also "selling the farm" in the process.

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I’m happy to chat if you like. I’m a Dating Coach - www.alittlenudge.com. I will say, though, that I don’t allow people to say “still” anything. You’re not still unmarried, as if there is only one solution. You are simply single and looking. This is not a contest or a race. It’s your life.

If this post itself leads to a long term relationship, marriage, please post again!

(good luck!)

I hope it works out for you!

What I've read here, in your original post and the many answers you provided, made me think that you are a very intelligent, kind and interesting woman.

Many have given you a lot of good advice, I'll try to add my thoughts.

You talk about your age and the fact that you are "running out of time" as a problem in finding the right person. I don't think it's actually a problem. You can use that to your advantage.

You are in a position in which you can - and in my opinion you should - make super clear what you are looking for. A man to have a family, very quickly.

By saying this upfront, it's absolutely true that you will scare off most men. But you do not need to find many men. You only need one. You need to find the one man out there that is willing to start a family with you. With all the pros and cons you, as a person, bring.

Having this in mind, I agree with you that you, as a woman, can be in control of the process. Just as a man would do, I would suggest you to be the "predator". Go and find the person you want and then lead the relationship toward your goal, in a trustworthy and transparent manner, of course.

The last thing I'd like to add is about expectations. You sound like an alpha woman (I say it as a very good thing). For that, I suspect you won't be able to find an alpha man though. That's not because you have something wrong. On the contrary, it's because most men are scared by women smarter or more achieving than them. And that's on them. A true alpha man will probably be looking for a much younger woman, so the chances of finding one are extremely slim.

The good news is that there are plenty of men that would love to partner with an alpha woman. The only problem is that they'll never admit it. So it is on you to take the lead. As long as they can feel as the man of the couple (in bed, or in day to day decisions, or in whatever they think makes them The men), you being more achieving won't be a problem. If you have a good salary, I bet most men would love that.

As actionable advice I'd say this: on any online platform you can think of, go and describe yourself as you did here (maybe leave out numbers, few men like women with more experience than them...). Most men are attracted to women who appear vulnerable (not a native English speaker, I hope the word is correct). The amount of replies you got here is pretty good evidence of that.

So go out and show every man you can that you are vulnerable because you want a family and you struggle to find the right one. Someone will want to be that one.

When that happens, you take the lead, and at that point accept him for whatever he is. He will probably be less smart and less attractive than you. Go past that, because it's very likely that he will be the best person for you to build a family with.

If you manage to read this, and decide to go forward with any of my suggestions, I'd love to know how things turn out for you. Good luck!

(writing this a couple beers in).

Given what you said, I'm guessing you are an extremely desirable woman. So much so that you are caught in the trap of looking for your equal. My sister in law was in a similar situation, she was looking for a man who checked all the boxes, from attractive, socially high class, well off, and everything in between.

As she reached her late 30's she pretty much just "settled" for an acquaintance she had been friends with, and dated on those weekends when she didn't have a better choice. (AKA he married up a lot). Even so, she had a terrible time conceiving.

Given I'm in Austin TX. I probably know a few men eligible men (AKA fairly social, high earners who are at least average in the looks dept, and plenty charming), but I'm guessing from what you said, you probably dated one or more of them. The pool at the top isn't that big. And frankly, many of the remaining unmarried men who fit that bill aren't interested in marriage. Why should they be, they can mostly get any woman they want, whenever they want, and have little interest in children.

Other comments have given you what I might offer as advice, but given your age I'm going to offer what I know a few women also did... Which is, if you truly don't know any men who would marry you tomorrow (I find that unlikely) go to the local fertility clinic and thumb through the donors catalog and pick a man you find attractive, and pay to be artificially inseminated. Women in the early 40's fertility drops off a cliff and post ~42 most women need fertility treatments past that age and the likelihood of an uneventful pregnancy is falling like a rock (something you probably know). Given Austin, you can probably skip the fertility clinic and find a short term man willing to do the deed if you assured him it was no strings attached.

Either way, the point is, if you want a genetic child, do it _NOW_, there are plenty of divorced men/etc who won't mind you are a single mother, and might even be willing to raise a child who isn't their own. Particularly if they have children of their own, of which you will find plenty of men who can share parental responsibility with you if your willing to be a step mother to their children.

Basically, at this point in your life, if you want to be a mother, just do it, you can probably afford it, and given your posting here, plenty of tech companies will give you a reasonable maternal leave. And in the end, its probably easier to find a man in their mid/late 40's willing to co-raise your child than one willing to start over.

Also, given your in Austin TX, it might be worthwhile temporary moving to a more liberal state for your own safety. Pregnancy is dangerous enough for a 30 year old woman, a 40 year old faces even higher risks, some of which can go from normal pregnancy to life threatening in a matter of a few hours. I think most tech companies are very understanding about remote work from a safer location these days.

Yah, I know this isn't the advice you wanted, trading that perfect fairy tail life, for the life of a single mother isn't encouraging, but you have to decide what is more important. Having children of your own, or continuing to gamble with the very short time you have remaining. As my sister in law discovered as a woman trying to get pregnant at 38-40 and spending tens of thousands in fertility treatments, nothing is guaranteed. Eventually she had a child but it looked really bleak for a year or so after the first treatments failed.

You went on over 120 dates. What happened with them?

Watch the following

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4FF2XkzGMCg

and try to understand and ask the universe for help.

https://www.benorenstein.com/

Might help! I remember thinking this was a cool approach.

"My time for having children is running out."

You like dates! You may be addicted to dates [knowingly or not]. There is nothing wrong with that.

I’d be cautious of taking dating advice from this site, as it’s dominated by young men and can sometimes lean in the red pill direction. (Though I am pleased to see that most of the top rated comments in this thread appear fairly mature.)

Have you tried asking Metafilter? I’ve often found that the community there gives good relationship and dating advice. The site leans older, more liberal arts, and more gender balanced.

How did this get through?

just accept, marriage is overrated, I'm 36 and unmarried also

Is that 120 first dates?

I really appreciate the honest feedback everyone has given on this post. Some of it was hard to hear, but all of it enlightening. And I appreciate the generosity of the community in the time they took to engage in this issue.

I do want to address one last thing before giving this post a rest.

A lot of people on this post have made conjectures about my reproductive health and ability to have children at the age of 41.

Among the other comments I heard, I found these particular comments to be the most frustrating and hard to stomach.

In the last two years, I've gone to two fertility clinics. My blood samples were taken and I was given an ultrasound at one clinic, Kindbody, to determine my chances of having children. In fact, in order to get my eggs frozen, two nurses took my blood samples, examined my hormone levels and gave me an ultrasound every other day for two weeks. These licensed doctors gave me realistic and conservative assessments and recommendations from their evidence-based approach. Evidence-based recommendations and insights into my ability at this age to have a healthy child given many factors.

People on this forum have found it fit to weigh in on their own views about my reproductive health - with only my age to go on, citing studies, that I presume they would suggest, presume that they understand my body better than I do.

They have also suggested that "getting pregnant is easy."

To assume that every woman's body works the same way and on the same timeline for every woman is wrong.

There is a good reason that I reached out to licensed, experienced doctors for advice about my fertility at age 41, and not to a group of technologiests on Hacker News. Though people have found it fit to weigh in and rebuked me harshly for not accepting their viewpoints on my body's reproductive health.

That you chose to contribute about this question (my reproductive health and chances of having a healthy baby) which I did not ask, is your prerogative and I accept that.

I know it is too much to expect that someone would presume a well-educated woman would not have gotten the best advice about her fertility from knowledgeable doctors, but it is still disappointing.

Every woman's body is different. And it's my job, with the help of my doctors to understand how my body works. Not yours.

Roe V Wade was recently overturned. And many people in this community were very upset about this decision, particularly as it impacts women's autonomy over their own bodies.

Women's autonomy over their bodies starts by everyone, you and me, deciding that a woman knows her body best and it's her job to understand how it works, not yours.

If you consider yourself a feminist and a supporter of women's rights, I strongly encourage you to think twice in the future before you presume to understand a woman's body better than she does.

Thank you for listening.

Over and out:)

The good news is a lot of this is easily fixed, by learning what's important and what isn't in your pursuit of romance!

>By most cultural standards, according to my male friends, I’m smart,

This is pretty irrelevant, even if true, which is always suspect coming from guys. It's also a very common BS compliment.

> beautiful,

If guys are using the B word, it probably means you are not attractive/hot/sexy, which is what the vast majority of guys care about. So, that should probably be your first priority to rectify. To quickly go through the rest of what you seemingly find relevant to matchmaking:

"Fit"—this only matters if it makes you hot, or if you are so un-fit you are debilitated or extremely not-hot. "Kind"—this is nice; a lot of guys enjoy spending time around actually kind/selfless women, but it's also given as a very common BS compliment. "Emotionally mature"—irrelevant; you only have to be not-insane. "Doing meaningful work"—200% irrelevant; guys do not need you to do meaningful work, and it does not make you more attractive to them if you're doing it.

>Over the last two years I’ve been on over 120 dates with men I’ve met online - a few I met in person - in 3 different cities .

This right here means your problem is your expectations, or a wildly effective set of red flags scaring everybody off. Men are easy, so it's probably the former.

>I’ve deeply invested myself in therapy, support groups, meditation, dating coaching, ... and hypnotism.

You obviously need to stop all that, because it isn't working. Also, it probably makes you look nuts.

>yoga

This, is actually productive. It's healthy, and very tangential to Hot for a lot of guys.

>I’ve read and done the exercises in Calling In the One, Love Addiction, Datonomics, Make Your Move and If the Buddha dated. I’ve listened to every episode of Girls Gotta Eat.

You should definitely stop this, as well. The wisdom you're gleaning from them is obviously terrible, if you went on dates with 120 guys and got nowhere.

>I’ve gone to CrossFit and hung out at steakhouses. I’ve dated every profession you can think of from doctors to electricians and unemployed guys.

Good experience, but useless in the long run if you don't also fix your broken expectations, and reorient your objectives towards what guys are actually attracted to.

If you want to know what would actually make a guy consider a long term relationship with you, ask a basic guy's-guy what he would say if another guy asked the question; or better yet, have a guy ask the question to begin with. There will always be a filter between guys and you, telling them to answer questions like that in a false, socially acceptable manner.

TL;DR —

1) Reevaluate yourself, through the lens of what guys care about(attractiveness, youth, comfort at home, humor and wit, sensuality, mutual interests), to understand what league you probably need to be looking in.

2) Cultivate those things guys care about. Cultivate interests guys-you-like tend to have.

3) Identify guys you would like a future with — they should be at least ~2%+ of men your age — and actually, actively pursue that future with them.

Go back study (in area ultra domninated by men). Join church. Change your job. Move to another country. The idea here is you need to change your social circle. The one you are in definitely not conducive to you in the romance area. You likely have very high expectation. You do need to change it to lower your expectation, but doing it on your own based on your current situation will be next to impossible. Do the changes I suggest above, the rest will take care itself.

You need to figure out what is absolutely important to you and what you can only get in a partner vs what you could get elsewhere. Sex, obviously should not be something you get elsewhere. The more things you say your partner needs to have, the smaller the eligible population and as a result the smaller the odds of finding a partner. Go where you can find people who share the same qualifications you require - for many that’s a church/temple/synagogue/mosque. For others it’s from a similar ethnic community.

"I’ve dated every profession you can think of from doctors to electricians and unemployed guys."

That's a lot of guys. Can you shed some light on why all those failed?

"My time for having children is running out."

Realistically, time was running out in your early 30s (where female fertility starts to nose dive). After 40 and you are seriously rolling the dice (assuming the ovum even gets fertilized, there Downs, aneuploidy, etc.)

After reading all the commentary I can’t help but feel HN got baited to shower a narcissist with compliments. I wish more people would just pile the OP’s answers and read before responding to any individual thread.

Well done lads, well done.

Enjoy.

> My time for having children is running out.

Well since you worry about that, you can freeze and storage gametes. I don't know how hard it is in the USA.

About the main subject, I can share a community on reddit https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/ (note that some people find the sub controversial)