I may fail my master's because I can't replace a course and I don't believe that I will be able to pass it. It seems that there is a mental barrier preventing things from "clicking".
I am tired. I can't seem to be able to catch a break or rest. Besides my master's I have a job that's 30 hours per week because I don't have any other form of economic support.
I can't seem to be able to recharge my batteries. Nothing seems to work.
I wake up tired. I have trouble with executive dysfunction. My brain feels saturated, as if there is no more space to store new information.
I have reached a point of total burnout. My gears are grinding instead of spinning and I have no strength to keep going.
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2. Also please open up to a core group of friends. That works as good as counseling. Knowing a bunch of people whom you could share your life dramatically reduces stress. Its a support mechanism as human beings are inherently social. Take up the courage to talk to your instructors about academic difficulties. You'd be surprised how willing academic people are to go the extra mile.
One thing to remember: We're always alone. Our existence is atomic in a way - an independent event & you are your best help. It is a hard fact to swallow. No matter how social we are, our lives are our own to live. We try to find meaning to our existence but no one will really understand you 100% & your trials and tribulations - not even your parents. If you are in a tough spot, only you can pull yourself out of the dumps by conscious efforts & bold decisions. Take deep breaths, build your courage up and fight your way out. Lot of people reading your story will be rooting for you!
IMO/IME...this is a good one to put to your master's degree department. Circumstances material to your achieving the degree as it existed before your health downturn last fall have changed. So this is partly something they should help you navigate.
Mental health issues like those you are experiencing are notorious for casting our problems, over and over, as issues only we can solve, alone.
Typically though, not only do others want to help, but departments and administrations usually have a great deal of experience in sculpting new solutions out of what appears to be thin air. For this exact type of situation. Which is to say--they have probably been down this road before and have tools which could immediately make your life better.
It may take some searching and probing to find out the best people to work with on this (sometimes it's a department secretary who pushes things into motion, you never know). But this activity will be, by definition, returning executive control to your side (same with posting here btw, nicely done).
So, I would ride them, as if they are party to your resolving the current health situation, to the degree you can. Don't take such risks with your own psychology alone. Take the risks with the school, and use the waiting time to construct boundaries around your personal recovery.
Just some thoughts though, I'm sure there are lots of ways to attack the problem & you got this. Good on you for reaching out.
Try hiking a 6 - 10 mi (round trip) trail at a nearby state / national park. If that seems helpful, find a couple national parks that you think are really beautiful, and spend a week or two hiking around. (I recommend Canyonlands, which is good for a couple days, and it's nearby Arches, Bryce, Zion, and Capitol Reef national parks, as well as Monument Valley.)
Another option is long-distance walking trails. I did the West Highland Way in Scotland recently. I found it challenging, beautiful, and purposeful. It's 97 mi, which can be done over 7 - 8 days (although I recommend a few rest days), so it's not the 6 month commitment the Pacific Crest Trail, Continental Divide Trail, and Allegheny Trail are. England / Scotland have all kinds of walking trails. I heard about a 100 mi trail around Iceland, too. Anyway, it's very feasible, there are hotels along the way if you don't feel like camping (book ahead, 80k people walk the WHW every year), and there's camaraderie with the people you meet. The US doesn't really have walking trails except for backpacking in the wilderness, but a biking tour might have a similar effect.
Being tired all the time and not being able to concentrate are prime indicators of sleep deprivation.
I'm biased, as when I was in my late 20s, I was pretty much a walking zombie: tired all the time, unable to concentrate for long periods of time, cranky/irritable, etc.
Then, while on vacation with family, my brother noticed that I was gasping for breath while "sleeping" and suggested I get it checked out.
A sleep study[1] (onsite polysomnography test) showed me waking up 270(!) times over the seven hour test.
Since I was waking up (the pathology is, 1. fall asleep; 2. stop breathing; 3. wake up; 4. rinse and repeat) before getting to deeper levels (stage 3/4) of sleep, I wasn't getting the rest I needed.
Once I was diagnosed and started using a Continuous Positive Airway Pressure (CPAP)[2] machine (efficacy confirmed by a second polysomnography test), I slept through the night without any apnea events. As a result, my life changed dramatically. I had more energy, was able to concentrate, wsa more active, calmer and better able to handle issues/problems.
Not saying that's what's going on with you, but after 19 years of treating my sleep apnea, I've never looked back.
I'm not saying that's what's the issue here, but based on your description, it might be useful to investigate this possibility.
I hope you find your way through this successfully!
[0] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obstructive_sleep_apnea
[1] https://www.sleepassociation.org/sleep-apnea/testing/
[2] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Continuous_positive_airway_pre...
- Take a minimum of two weeks off, preferably more. That's how long it takes to start to disconnect. If you need to borrow some money, do it.
- Start exercising in the morning, minor weight-lifting is good.
- Go for long hikes in the park... really long, the kind where your "dogs are barkin'" later that night. Great way to clear the mind as well.
- Read a book in the evenings, preferably something uplifting and unrelated to your worries. No TV, no anti-social media.
- Get a great night's sleep, multiple times. i.e. Go to bed early, ~9pm at the latest.
Ignore all medical advice on this site.
You, as you yourself stated, are having a total burnout. You need professional help. Try looking for different kinds of help if the waiting list is too long for what you need the most. Some kind of group therapy perhaps, somebody who is helping people build up strength after Long Covid perhaps. Consider moving back to be with your family or another group of people who will be supportive.
If doing a masters and having a 30 hours job at the same time has brought you to a burnout (triggered perhaps by some other events in your life). Then you can't recover while you keep on doing those two. Something will have to go (the job, or the study) while you recover. That is a very difficult thing to face and accept, but once the body and the mind has a breakdown after prolonged stress, there is no other way to recover. Any advice you get to get you back on your feet in two weeks is for the normal "pushed yourself a bit too much for a few months or a year" cases.
This was what I did for a few months and help me get out of the burnout stage. 1. Ruthless priorities and expectation setting in life. I cut down to 1-2 friends that I would hang out once a week with max. I let my family know that I would be MIA for a bit. Even when I went back to work, I asked for super specific goals from my manager. I expected that I would not achieve anything major in this time period. 2. No alcohol for a while 3. I took sleeping aids to ensure I slept at the same time and woke up at the same time 4. I focused on just a small amount of meditation and low intensity exercise like walks 5. I decided on 1 guilty pleasure that I was allowed to do a couple times a week. For me, it was eating super unhealthy delicious food.
Normally, to deal with a burnout, I'd recommend to take a month off and shed as much responsibilities as possible, but this doesn't seem to be an option in your situation.
In terms of refreshing myself, sometimes I find when I am in stressful situations that I just need a bit of grounding, I remind myself of my situation, my objectives, and my direction. But also pay attention to that if something needs to be cut, then work on cutting it. There is also no shame in finishing things later, if you need to defer for a bit - do so
Sometimes you may need to bite the bullet and accept that this is a temporarily hard situation, and it's OK to feel like crap. You know your working towards a goal, but whether you think it's worth it or not that's up to your judgment. It's tough being ambitious unfortunately
I might watch a bird or two. I might see an occasional hiker. My mind might wander to anything from the mountain's name (Old Rag is short for Old Raggedy, because of the rough terrain and serrated skyline) to Stonewall using these mountains tactically, to the Appalachians acting as a firebreak in a hypothetical zombie apocalypse (like in the Remaining series). But I don't consciously focus on anything or do any work. I just let my mind do whatever it needs to do. It's probably as close to meditation as I get.
Then I complete the hike. The endorphins help, too. After a day of rest, I'm a whole new person.
Unplug for the internet for hours or days at a time when you can. Digital minimalism practices. No screens 2 hours before bed time.
Exercise, yoga, meditation, breath exercises (i.e. Wim Hoff method), cold water exposure.
Cut out sugar from your diet; eat healthy home cooked real (whole) foods.
Intermittent fasting. Just completed my first 72 hour fast, and have never felt so equanimous. (Don't recommend doing this out of the gate, I've been building up towards this goal for ~6 months of progressive time restricted eating).
Spend quality time with friends and family.
Map out a life plan for the next 5-10 years of your life, and break that down into small actionable supporting items for the next 1-3-6-12 months.
Walking, and especialy long walks in a forrest help a lot..
Do you actually need the masters degree? What's it in? What will it give you career wise?
I don't swim very far. Just 1000-2500m.
I hear a lot of mental complaints.
That tells me you're ignoring your body.
Don't.
Take care of yourself as if you're someone you love very deeply.
Ignore "advice" from people without the proper training, including HN.
My present situation is not all that dissimilar to what you describe.
I have been in a MSc program for the past 2 years which has continually threatened to drain all the life-force out of me. I’d always been a happy-go-lucky, jubilant, highly social person, but I moved 1000mi away from my friends and family to accept what appeared to be a funded position which perfectly aligned with my interests. It took me maybe 6 months to realize that I’d fucked up. You might be able to relate to some of the reasons.
For the first time in my life, I was alone, all day, every day. I had zero energy. It took all the effort in the world to get out of bed before 5pm.. I was getting up at 6am to climb mountains every day only a few months before!! I would go weeks at a time without talking to another person, because they simply were nowhere to be found. ‘My’ department had, of course, moved almost entirely online, and they didn’t know I existed. I developed a horrible mental dialogue of constantly shaming myself for my lethargy. I didn’t let myself do my hobbies, since to my mind I hadn’t ‘earned’ them, since I wasn’t getting any work done. I waited it out for a bit, I thought that surely the department would come back to life, and I would finally be able to make human connections, and I would just revert to the old me. Of course, this didn’t work, because nobody wanted to come back: all the decision-makers were happier than ever sitting at home with their families all day. By the end of my first semester, the terrible dullness which has overtaken my person wasn’t going to just go away.
And yeah, I think having difficulty with executive function leads to really harmful positive feedback loops when you’re not doing well. As I continued to fail to get work done, and my mind became less and less healthy, my excitement and joy for the world and for my work was replaced by anxiety and despair. I stopped sleeping well, I stopped eating well, I stopped giving a shit. I spent damn near two years sitting in front of a computer, haranguing myself for not being better, my internal voice screaming at me that if I could just be a professional for this day, and get my fucking work done, then I’ll feel better. It doesn’t really work that way. I’ve also got ADHD, but I’d always done quite well in school etc. because I had good strategies for managing my mind—- I knew that if I surrounded myself with other people, then I’d always been energized enough to get my stuff done, even if it wasn’t at 100% efficiency. I didn’t mind, it worked very well for me— I’d occasionally hand something in late, but I earnestly didn’t give a shit because I loved the way my mind worked: I was always overflowing with energy and creativity etc., more so than my peers, so I figured I was doing something right, and embraced that part of my cognition. All that goes out the window when I moved across the country to start my MSc: all of a sudden, the joy of befriending new folks, of working in a high-energy environment with other folks who are passionate about their work, that stuff all disappeared. The people at my new department didn’t know me and they actively did not want to know me. I was just a threat to them: the casual interactions which had made me love life were eliminated. The only connection that I had to people at my new school were over email and over Zoom. I felt helpless, I knew exactly what was wrong in my life, but there was nothing I could do to fix it. I despaired. I felt like I was dying.
I wasted 1.5 yrs before I finally decided to reclaim some agency in my life. I earnestly weighed quitting. I didn’t need the degree, I went to grad school for ‘everything else’ and all those other things had been denied to me. I would make far more $ if I just went and got a software job. And most importantly, I realized that I owed my advisor nothing: I had wracked myself with guilt that I hadn’t been producing for him, even though he was paying me a stipend.. but I finally valued myself and realized that I needed to place value on what I get out of my early 20s. I plotted realistic escape routes: I could just quit, go home, recharge with my family, furnish up my GitHub etc. and go get a good job. Whoa! I realized I was excited! Excited about a possibility in my life for the first time in ages, rather than just passing time, waiting for someone to give me permission to be happy. This was insanely liberating. I finally had another option; I knew I would be okay if I quit. And so before this spring semester, I basically told my advisor that I’d quit if I couldn’t work remotely for this semester. I told him I had waited too long. I needed more from my life. I understand that they do not want to get COVID, I don’t either, but I need to value my health, too, and my mental health is a huge part of that. He acquiesced, and I worked up some extra scratch so that I could go spend time with friends, family, my girlfriend for the past 6 months. I’ve gotten 10x more done in this span than I did over that stupid year and a half where I was just in a room alone all day, every day. And most importantly, I’ve just got life in me again. I have thoughts and feelings and ideas and feel excitement about the future. I’ve got so many passion projects lined up for when I finish in about a month. My executive dysfunction is still pretty crappy, but it’s worlds better than it was, and I’m going to finish. Just barely— but I will. I’ve also got an ‘F’ incomplete class from a breakdown in a previous semester, which I am completing now while also finishing my thesis. It’s crazy and I am working like a madman, but my person is back and I take pride in my work again.
I’m not really who I want to be yet, and I am still just so ready to move on to the next stage of my life— preferably one with a little more support, and a whole lot more community— but my gears are spinning again. I’m sleeping 6hrs a night again, half of what I was at my worst, but I am so much less tired. My person is not as tired: I feel pretty free, I feel like I have agency, I feel like I’m driving my the car of my life. That was a really, really important place for me to get back to.
I’m not sure how well this all maps onto your experience, but I can see myself pretty clearly in how you describe your state: you feel like you’ve got nothing left. You need a perspective shift. You need to remind yourself what exists outside of this shitty local minima you’re lodged into.
I think my 2 takeaways are that 1) never trick yourself into thinking that any ‘opportunity’ is worth allowing yourself to get to where you’ve got nothing left, and that 2) you can get your person back. I’m not sure what it will take for you, but you should be confident that you can. There’s a lot of stuff that I did over this time that really helped me take control of my life and rebuild my mental state— I got really into playing basketball, making art, etc.— that I didn’t mention, but really, I think the point is to look to your past, identify the parts of your life that have energized you, and start doing those things again. You need some time away from work to get your person back. Remember that a week repairing your relationship with yourself followed by a week of living a more well-adjusted life, where you get a reasonable amount of things done, is much more efficient that two weeks of despair, deriding yourself for not being enough, draining yourself even further.
But anyway— shoot me an email, if you want. I’d be happy to chat and share a little bit more about my experience. I’m still not out of this yet— I’ve got a lot of shit to do before submitting my thesis in 3 weeks— but I did figure out how to recharge those batteries!