HACKER Q&A
📣 SMAAART

How do I stop being passive-aggressive?


I just had a realization, make it two:

1) I am passive-aggressive

2) Many of my behaviors of which I have been proud all along, all of my life (a few decades) are wrong. I am not Nice (cliche' I know), I am not positive, I am not gentle, I am not polite, I am not polished, I am not the one who takes the high road. My behaviors are not desirable, normal, common, attractive.

In the past, in my quest to overcome my low-self-esteem and attain confidence I did rear "No More Mr Nice guy" and "Not Nice". They both helped a but, but I wrongly assumed that being confident and being "Nice" were compatible. And they are, but not the "Nice" meaning that I had/have embedded in my mind.

I have searched on Google and in Psychology Today about my condition. I have just bought the book "Overcoming Passive Aggression".

Dear HN: can you give me some advice, pointers on how to embark in this battle and this journey? Hold no punches, I know I have done a lot of wrong, while thinking that I was doing good. And it sucks on so many levels.

Thanks in advance.

  👤 aurizon Accepted Answer ✓
A pattern of assertion of parental control results in children denying being controlled in such a way that avoids punishment by interposing an excuse that mitigates the punishment by ranking the current control below a former command. Do your homework - goes to room, ostensibly starts doing it Come here - come here, or supper = doing my homework(a prior command) stops the kid from doing the subsequent command. You and parent(s) have evolved this pattern. Parents often leave it at home and are OK at work. Kids enter working life and keep it up = bad boss, bad employee, bad co-worker. You can get therapy ($$$) or become an auto-didact on this topic = read from google self help courses, or find the books you need and read in a library. Books of this type often in a reference library = no loans = go there, look up the book in the stack and read it while you are there, making copies with phone or copier as warranted.

https://afineparent.com/positive-parenting-faq/what-is-passi...

👤 formerkrogemp
Check this out, friend. https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=30412165 Best of luck.
👤 ggm
Seek professional help, focus on CBT rather than longterm SSRI treatment. I wouldn't have a clue if the neuroplasticity drugs are appropriate, but it's possible short-term treatment combined with CBT would help shift your patterns.

Mainly, treat your brain like any other sick or damaged organ and get professional advice. This is no place for amateur hour.

I will say that your own intuition of what is wrong, is very probably right.

👤 mardiyah
No info whether the 2 main factors:

From inside and/or outside influence

How is the two's proportion

hunch or guess is that long-term child time has significant role and affected and influenced that

👤 codezero
Ask more questions in which you seek empathy. Failing that get professional help as mentioned by others.
👤 throwaway49
Do you talk to your dad & parents often? I'd advise you speak to them more often.
👤 gridder
You need to become outright assertive.
👤 yuppie_scum
Just be outwardly aggressive.