How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

This is almost exactly my life, shifted by a decade.

The problem is that by 35 you can't get by on novelty anymore because you've seen some version of everything there is to see.

The worst thing you can do is pine for the good old days. They aren't coming back. And they weren't that good anyway. Your best times are ahead if you can successfully adjust.

What worked for me was putting down roots. I resisted it mightily at first because I wanted to stay mentally 25 forever. Now I see that getting married and having a couple of kids was the right thing to do. It forced me to become more flexible, more deliberate, more focused and have more stamina to do hard things

I'm a loner by nature, so I can't imagine where I'd be if I hadn't settled down. I just know it wouldn't be as good.

Once you've got those roots down, life will lead you to what you should do next. Maybe being a full time parent, maybe learning to sail, maybe more successful entrepreneurship. Who knows...

EDIT: I don't mean to imply that everyone needs a family. What's important is to start living for others to some degree. Hedonism has famously bad diminishing returns.

Some people choose to do lots of volunteering or switch careers to social work. There's lots of options.

I'm 58. Everything IS an different iteration of the same thing. Generally, if intelligent adults are involved, there are likely to be some useful new things in the new iteration, small improvements. On rare occasion, there are massive changes that only become apparent later. (Like when transistors first appeared, they wore out, like tubes, but slower... germanium was replaced by silicon, and lifetimes tended towards infinity, and then integrated circuit appeared)

You're not too old to have a social life... that happens once you're in a nursing home, and have worn out the good will of the staff. Up until that point, there are always new friendships and relationships to be had.

Going out to parties and drinking until morning is a lot harder on you than it was, that's a normal part of growing up. There are plenty of other things to do that are far more rewarding if you give yourself time to grow into them (and Covid rules don't prohibit them)

If you need a hobby, I suggest machining. Challenge yourself to make 1000 of some everyday hardware store item, like a 1/4" 10-24 x 2" screw, Flat head. You'll learn a lot of interesting history, and grow to appreciate the supply chain, along the way.

Note: Outside of the US, maybe some M8 Torx screws instead? You'll learn about Rotary Broaching, or cold heading, along the way.

Mourning the loss of one’s youth is pretty typical. You lose a step. You didn’t do what you hoped you would do. You wasted your time. So forth and so on.

Don’t worry. It gets better. This is all part of the process of life.

My recommendation is that you read Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl.

“He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”

I’m 52 here. I was a prolific programmer in my 20s. A go-go marketer in my 30s. For the last 10 years, I’ve run a business that I love with two partners who have taken advantage of me at every turn. The last two years neither has worked and yet they get paid.

Do I feel lost or depressed? Absolutely not.

I love life. I have an amazing family to whom I am utterly devoted. I volunteer for stuff. I do cool things every day. If I feel bored, I make things with my hands or engage in other creative pursuits. I focus on the moment and others more than anything else and all the rest just goes away.

How is this possible? I’ve filled my life with reasons to live.

In fact, I have so many now that there is no room for worry about what I have and haven’t done. And in doing so, I realize that none of that matters anyway.

My mom died at 52 after taking a header down a flight of stairs. My grandfather died at 56 after getting stabbed in the belly by my grandmother (she was psychotic).

Our naked existence is laughable. Everything can be lost in an instant.

Dive into the why and you can deal with any how.

I was in similar spot with around 30. My advice:

1.) Start dating. It might be a drag and maybe embarrassing at times, but obviously not being a loser having saved up half a mil in 10 years, you will probably find someone. Don't buy into that Hollywood "soulmate" crap. More likely than not there is already someone you know or at max someone one graph edge away which will be a perfectly fine partner for the rest of your life. So finding that person will keep you occupied for 2-5 years.

2.) Get kids. Having never imagined to be a father and now having three kids, I have to admit I always feel sorry for people who don't have kids. I have a hard time to see any relevance in a life without children anymore. This might be complete bs but certainly floats my boat. I got my "finding meaning in life" completely covered by getting those three buggers into a good position for their life. That will keep me busy for the next 15 years.

3.) Don't take your job too seriously. There is Jeff Bezos and Bill Gates and Henry Ford but for 99.99% percent of the people here on HN (me and presumably you included) what you do in your work life will not really matter for generations to come. It pays the bills, it should be interesting enough not to bore you to death, you should have colleagues that are in their majority "friend material". That's it.

I always imagine my live as a pizza with three slices: personal (some sport, watching movies with friends, reading books, etc.), family and work. Ideally, each one should be about a third of the pizza, ie. have a third of your attention and time. There are times when this is not possible but it should be the state you are striving towards.

I’m in my late 40s. Just gone through 15 years of absolute shit with an ex partner and financial chaos.

Decided I’d fix it in 2019. Three important things to concentrate on:

1. Health. If that’s off, fix it first. Everything depends on health. Sort out your diet, physical fitness and health and mental health follows. I’m fitter than all my peers and both fitter and healthier than I was in my 20s. Can run a half marathon now.

2. Social contacts. Get out there and make friends. In my case i signed up to Meetup and just attended random stuff until people stuck. This usually involves hiking, pubs and bars, restaurant nights out.

3. Invest in experiences. Go travelling, do new things and learn new stuff completely away from your usual area of expertise and comfort. So I’m usually desk bound in the middle of the city but a few weeks back I’m standing on a mountain in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night in the middle of winter doing celestial navigation course. It was amazing.

All positive, fulfilling experiences in life I have found require putting yourself in unusual and uncomfortable positions. Life where there is no normal but it’s not bad abnormal is where the fun is. Doing those things together with other people is where you make meaningful lasting friends and relationships too.

I do not mean to tear down OP, but you are 35 and have $500k in savings. You lived in other countries, had startups and worked at a big company. You are not lost, you are one of the 1%. It sounds like you did a lot and now "normal" life that the rest of have to go through seems sucky. It is.

I have years of experience, not 1/5th your savings, have not traveled and now I am actually too old for "big company" to hire me. This is not said for you to fell for me, go feel good about yourself. It sounds like you did a lot. Figure out now what makes you _feel_ good inside and pursue that (you know, unless its spending all of your savings on vices). Time is running out? Come back here and say that twenty years from now. I think life was just starting for a lot of people when they hit 35.

I'm 73. So yes, when I was 35 I more or less thought my life was over. But the best is yet to come. Think about being in the same room for 35 years. No matter what the room is like, it becomes utterly and completely boring. So get out.

Where to go? For me, the answer came about from wondering what I was capable of becoming. You are not a programmer, or painter or duck or politician. You are capable of becoming anything - well almost. Art always made my heart sing, and while I am not a great artist, I now believe almost everyone can be at least a very good artist of some kind in some form. It is who we are - to sing or paint or write or whatever. And how can you find out if you are the Van Gogh of knitting unless you try?

And yes to the physical side of your being. If you have never done the equivalent of running 15 miles, or hiking up a mountain, or hiking a hundred miles then you just are not getting who you are. (Scaled of course to whatever is a "mountain" for you.) Go for it. [edit change year to room]

I think I understand what you're feeling. I'm lucky to have found my way through my period of feeling lost, and have come to a pretty good place as I approach 45 (fathered my first child two years ago, have increasingly good relationships with my partner, family, friends, etc, and have new career/startup opportunities taking shape that are exciting to me). But it's been a long road of feeling very lost and doing deep soul searching to get here.

Some places I'd recommend looking for guidance/inspiration/support:

- Writers/speakers on topics relating to "the meaning crisis"; people like John Vervaeke, Iain McGilchrist, Rafia Morgan and Jonathan Pageau. There are some good video interviews with them and others on the Rebel Wisdom YouTube channel.

- Consider a men's group (assuming you're male; equivalent groups exist for women and other identity groups); I've been in a local chapter of Evryman for the past couple of years, and others I've known have been in The Mankind Project. These kinds of groups can be a great way to connect with other men who are seeking meaning and encouragement to achieve better life outcomes. I've seen some amazing transformations in the men I've known to go through these groups.

- Don't think you're "just depressed". While of course it's possible you could have a clinical condition, and it's worth exploring that and seeking treatment if need be, don't let people tell you that feeling lost in this world is merely a sign of depression. It can be a very healthy reaction to notice that the world is pretty messed up and to feel that there must be a way to find a more fulfilling life path.

Also, feel free to contact me (email address in profile). I'm thinking about starting a new kind of community for people who are looking to heal and grow.

All the best to you.

Time for everything IS running out. And no, there's no roadmap that shows you how to stop feeling lost. I'm 52 and that feeling becomes ever more intense. I wonder how I got here so quickly. I'm told THAT feeling intensifies at 70. That said, the way I deal with it is to accept. I accept my age; the feeling of time's fleetingness; that I will cease to be (god/Jesus, Viracocha, Mandaeism, Zoroastrianism... are constructs that do little to overcome this feeling).

And so I live trying to being aware of each passing moment, and thinking about how I might better use the next moment. I have a personal web site on which I wrote down every major event in my life, and when I feel low I read that. I've achieved and done a lot. And I want to do a lot more. Mostly much more loving. In the both carnal and (obviously seperately) paternal senses.

I have hobbies I love - I did not pick one randomly because one should have a hobby, but because I truly love building those things. Creating something I recognise as beautiful is rewarding as f•••.

I also keep fit and healthy and take some pride in having lasted so many years without gaining weight other than muscle mass. I've done a variety of drugs, I've broken the law, and I'm ok with all of that because I think I've loved more people than I've hurt.

All these things... there's no meaning or other weird existential shit that comes of it. Other than being at peace with myself, my place in this fleeting existence, and enjoying as much of it as I can, while I can.

In parting, try sitting in a meeting and if there are women in the meeting, watch how men just talk right over them. And then interrupt those men, turn to the marginalised woman, and tell her you found her perspective interesting, and would she mind terribly repeating her thoughts. This is a probably hugely incoherent ramble about how I have learnt to actively try to get past what you describe. Some days are rough, most days amazing.

Firstly, stop this rubbish about getting old; with current life expectancies I wouldn't even consider someone middle aged until they are their forties. Old is probably late sixties to seventies. You still have a long way to go :-)

Secondly, stop trying to define your life by "achieving". I know this is a difficult one, I'm still (sort of) struggling with this one. Achievements are ephemeral. Only an incredibly tiny minority of people achieve anything really significant, and even then those significant achievements often only touch a small minority of the world. It helps to bear in mind that about 99.9999% of the worlds population have no awareness of your existence.

The problem with trying to achieve something awesome is that either you never manage it; in which case you are left permanently unfulfilled and with a sense of failure; or you do achieve it, in which case: what then? You are suddenly left having to find another goal.

I think it is better to just find small ways to enjoy your life and work as much as you need to support those interests.

I am 51 and I still go to see bands at pubs regularly. I know people in their 30s right through to their 70s who are still going out watching rock bands. Hell, I know a couple guys who play in bands and their mum, who has just turned 90, still goes out to see them play and likes a dance. I also go to little festivals with friends who are all in their 50's and 60's.

If you are feeling too old when you go to bars and stuff you are probably going to venues that have a younger crowd. Look around and you can find plenty of places that are patronised by people that are a similar age to you. Many of those, both male and female will be single and probably feeling some of the same things you do.

Finally, don't feel alone in this. There are vast numbers of people who feel similar to you. I am single and have been for a very long time, but just recently - completely by chance - have sort of stumbled into something promising. I also handed in my notice at work recently and finish at the end of the month. I am taking a year off to just enjoy myself and am very excited about it.

Good luck, and don't beat yourself up about stuff. Just remember, we're all a bit lost and stumbling through life the best we can :-)

The thing to keep in mind is that you will always feel too old for something. When you're 18 you're too old to play, when you're 25 you're too old to party like a teenager, etc. But there's always something fun you can do at your age, and 35 is young. You can definitely go to festivals, you can travel, live in hostels, go surfing, snowboarding whatever.

But it's understandable that you're less excited about things, at 35 you're sort of programmed to have a young family. As you age that gets increasingly important. I still love extreme sports, travelling etc but compared to my kids it's just laughably pointless.

So use your financial freedom and take a year to get in great shape mentally and physically, train, travel, read and socialise. At the end of that you'll have no trouble getting hitched, and to be honest that's what matters, no matter what "voluntary" singles will tell you.

I know I will be downvoted for this but it's just the truth. I sacrifice my score in order to help you...

Feel free to email me btw if you want to talk about it, I've gone through very similar periods and know what it's like.

I remember feeling similar when I was about your age. All of a sudden I looked around and, where I was spending my time, everyone was a lot younger and I felt out of place. I didn’t want to be the old guy in the room.

So I made changes. Big changes. Rearchitected my life, if you will. They were not easy. But I’ve learned a ton over the journey. I miss the old life, and I’m grateful for this life I made, worlds apart from where I was before. And I don’t think about how it could have been, because that’s not how it is.

Now I’m in a similar situation again. I’m evaluating what changes I want to make. I think a lot about where I’ve been and where I want to be in 10 years, which helps me shape my decision making.

But it’s the little voice inside that I have to pay real close attention to before I make any big change. When I feel out of touch with that little voice, I know I need to work on my spiritual connection.

It’s not an easy place to be feeling lost, out of place, not sure what to do. I know that feeling very well. I was feeling it yesterday like a ton of sand weighing on my soul.

But today’s a new day. And I’m feeling alive. Thank you for your post, and this chance to think through my own decision making. Carpe diem!

Just turned 35. Suffering very similarly, though minus the savings.

I saw a therapist for 2 years which helped a little and got me to the point where I realised I needed to get out of London, as it felt impossible to build deep relationships.

So I recently moved to a much smaller city and am making new friends and connections here and trying to build these relationships much deeper than I have in the past. I think it's helping but when I'm home, alone, the malaise begins to return.

I've also lost pretty much all my enthusiasm for tech lately, so I've gone down to a 4 day week, though I often feel like I'm "wasting" the extra free day off.

However, one of my new friends here is going through a coding bootcamp and talking with them about tech makes me feel enthusiastic again, so I'm considering how to move to some kind of teaching/tutoring role. I've volunteered as a mentor for bootcamp students, to get a taste, but that's not started yet - I shall see!

We're not so different in age, and I'd be lying if I said I never feel the way you describe. However, these are some things that helped me, in increasing order of importance:

- Health. Covered already, but I'd add that you don't need to be in marathon shape. Just hit the basics: sleep, exercise (walking is enough!), diet. It's easy to feel things are ok in any of these dimensions but actually be out of whack.

- Do things with your hands. Humans develop insofar was they learn to manipulate the physical environment around them. This is one of the tenets of the Montessori pedagogy, but I found that it doesn't just apply to kids! I feel _great_ when I install a toilet, paint my living room, fix the car. There's just something about physically doing stuff with your hands.

- This one is hard to describe...I took inventory of my 'philosophical operating system' and realized that I was organizing my life around something without legs. In my 20's I was heavily influenced by stuff like '4-hour-workweek' (lol), the gary-vees, the pg essays, etc. It's not jut practical advice...it's a philosophical system and worldview. When I looked under the hood, it was all spaghetti code. It couldn't stand up to more cogent and complete philosophies, which I found literally down the street.

35 with 500k and you feel lost, I'm 47 single with 15k and I feel ok. This post blows my mind, it's not about money it's about mindset. You can do pretty much anything you want. Find a new hobby, Buy a boat learn to sail, climb mountains, do car racing. I don't know, you have everything, and at 35 you're still young. I wish I had 35 with 500k in savings.

For me those feelings are exacerbated by the housing situation, and inflation running hot.

In a high cost of living area, there are two tiers of human being:

1 Those who have purchased a home before the insanity, and have a stability around their housing location and costs.

2 Those who are renting.

A few scenarios. Let's take the 500K figure and the number 2. Number 2 can't quit their jobs to climb mountains and do yoga, because inflation is running hot at 7 percent and in a high cost of living area, that 500K will be depleted rapidly.

The Number 2 can't even take a PAUSE from their tech jobs, because hiring managers see gaps in CV's as red flags. Another red flag is simply being old. So Number 2 MUST continually jump from job to job.

The feeling of excitement about things comes to play in the question of whether one has a choice in the matter; you work in tech because it pays well and you can be house secure. If you can pause and come back, then you can explore yourself and career options. If you can't pause at all, then all you have are therapy or drugs to tolerate the hamster wheel of tech worker life.

500K is a lot on a global scale, it's in the top percentage of the world. But in the HCOL areas (SF, Seattle, NYC), 500K is, unfortunately, not 'enough' to be secure. You can be secure for a couple of years, but unless you put your belongings in storage and spend time in another country (another country that isn't Europe, also expensive), you will deplete your savings AND be an unemployed middle age (35 is too young for that, but 40 is not too young for this risk) person.

One can do all the yoga, clean living, therapy and child-rearing (all the suggestions below), but no one is addressing 'housing security'.

42 y.o. Here. I put it in perspective, try to stay reasonably healthy, and live by the mantra "Never lament getting old. It's a privilege denied to many." Giving back to younger generations is also very rewarding.

I turned 40 recently, and it hit me like a tonne of bricks. My relationship had just ended, my startup had gone on ice thanks to Covid, and the international move I'd just made reversed in the space of days (due to the break-up). The feeling of "what am I doing with my life?" hit hard, I'd already been doing therapy for a while, but the lack of fulfilment and satisfaction is still there.

Technology bores me mostly, even though it's what I'm good at. I feel like time is running out to do something, I just don't know what that something is. It's really tough to figure out what you want to do, and how you go about doing it.

BUT you're not alone! Speaking to friends, and possibly to a therapist, will help you to process the feelings that you're having, and may help to take steps forward. I'm trying to find enjoyment in tech again, but if I don't then I'm going to go find enjoyment in something else - likely something drastic, knowing my history! Ride a bike, go on holiday, join a club, read a book. There's so much out there, it's about being brave enough to go and do something different.

At least that's what it is for me.

I am way way older than you are. I went through episodes like that multiple times. There was always a trigger, work related or personal.

This is depression. Seek medical help. Find a good therapist to talk you. Get 10-15 sessions. Find the root of the problems. But the most important thing to do is talk. Don't go to social media, HN, or whatever. Bars, concerts are to be avoided. When you are there you'll get the feeling that you don't belong.

Medication can also help on a temporary basis until you find that you can get back feelings you had in your 20's.

The worst thing you can do is nothing. It will not go away. If it does, it will come back.

I guarantee that after you seek medical help and handle that with a therapist you will gradually feel more excited about life, there are so many wonderful things to do, experience and good people to meet.

Good luck.

No relationships, moved multiple times, and never stayed at a job for long. Sounds like a recipe for having no roots or committed friendships/community as you chased the cornucopia of worldly experiences… that has now dried up and been found wanting.

You’ve got plenty of time. What you need is connections. Who/what/how is up to you, and talking to an understanding person about it (parents, lifelong friend, pastor, therapist) would probably help more than us all here.

Unpopular opinion:

Start getting spiritual. You will notice eventually that all the life long ambitions/hobbies/craving for experiences is like a relay race of sorts where the baton(craving) gets continuously passed around to the next of runner only to be repeated again and again.

The emptiness is not due to lack of experiences in life. It's due to the realisation that every desire, experience, happiness, pain is made of the same underlying thing. So chasing after more is not going to be anymore fulfilling. Like another comment said, start living for others.

I am 46 and I feel the same. I fill in all the advice tick boxes. Excellent physical health. I work out frequently and have no ailments other than slightly autistic personality.

Great job and well compensated for it. Great economy, own my own place.

Have adult child that has moved out and is doing well. On paper, I am doing extremely well.

Inside, I wake up every morning really sorry I am still alive.

This pointless lonely hellhole existence is statistically going to go on for another 30 maybe 40 years until finally it ends.

Another horrible tinder date and I might just off myself.

I am female btw.

Man, this is the WORST place to ask for advice. A quick scan of the suggestions:

* Have you tried medicating these feelings away?

* Have you tried drugs?

* Get on a plane! Travel and "find yourself!"

* You have money, why aren't you happy?

* How about you do everything again that brought you to this place... But in a different career field?

About the only real suggestion here is to exercise, find a hobby, or start a family -- but even those posters have an absurdist take that it is a meaningless pursuit. The Mr. Peanutbutter take: "Life is about occupying yourself with pleasant nonsense until you die."

What an indictment of this culture. Their solution is either to therapy this feeling out of existence, distract yourself from it, or ignore it. (Or alternatively, utterly fail to comprehend why you could possibly feel this way when you have money.)

I'm of the opinion that these feelings must be confronted directly. When I was in a similar position, I read the book of Ecclesiastes. I'd start there.

The main thing you're describing is not having a future.

You're a bit young for a midlife crisis, but covid has forced it on all of us (I entered mine at 39 and covid just crushed it). And the world has changed a lot; a lot of the future we imagined has really been taken away - that is, it isn't available anymore, not because of something we did wrong, but because the doors have slammed shut. Just for one thing, having $500k in the bank ain't what it used to be. But I get the sense that you aren't really defined by money.

Maybe the "haven't had a serious relationship for many years now" part is what you should work on. Just putting your time and energy into a relationship is good for you. Without a relationship you have no future.

I have no kids. That makes me feel like I may have no future.

Being aware that the thing you're fighting, the dread you're experiencing, is really about your fear of not having a future -- that can at least provide an anchor, to focus you on imagining what you want a future to look like and taking the steps to get to whatever that place is. I think the biggest problem is that we're all constantly obsessed with the present and somewhere along the line we stop trying to evolve into what we want to be, and get mired down in the quotidian. This may be a normal feature of growing older, but it's definitely amplified by the overwhelming flood of bullshit we see every day now, which seems designed from the ground up to prevent us from thinking about our future.

Spend a little time and ask yourself if not having [edit: not being able to visualize] a future is your actual problem, and take it from there.

I'm turning 35 at the end of this year and reading through your post I feel like you need human connection. You're really not in a bad spot, though. A lot of people would kill to have the amount of savings you have, at that age.

I haven't achieved much professionally. I have about 500k in savings as well and have just worked corporate jobs. However, I met my wife when I was 23, we got married when I was 30, and I have two young children. To me, it makes it all worth it. And, it's not too late at 35. There are so many people that have put off personal life at the gain of their professional life, that you're bound to find someone in a very similar situation.

That said, you might need to be less picky at this point and realize that you're looking for someone for life. Keep that in mind as you start dating.

> Now I feel too old to go to festivals, bars and clubs and make new friends that way.

I couldn't imagine doing this. It sounds absolutely terrible. I don't try to make friends anymore because I have enough going on just having a family. I also have zero desire to ever enter a club. Bar? Sure, I'll go with my wife sometimes and it's fun, as long as it's quiet. Staying out until 4am partying? That part of my life is in the past and I'm grateful for it. I look back at it and feel like I was probably searching for purpose and drowning it out with alcohol and drugs when I couldn't find it.

My friend, you are not lost -- you are free. From what I can tell, you have your health, your youth (35 is still young) and you have some savings. If you don't have a mortgage, kids, a spouse, and a job you cannot leave, then you are free. The next step is to see the world. Get a one-way ticket to Chiang Mai and try to stay as long as possible. Learn the language, get a scooter, and talk to people. Live close to the earth, and when you eventually miss home, you will return a different person. Certain places are easier to reboot yourself than others. Pick some place warm and friendly.

Here're things that I'm entertaining myself with.

1. Discover new things related to IT. For example I never programmed microcontrollers or dealt with electronics in general. I recently started to learn about it and it's exciting. My current aim is to build some fun machines for my home using STM32 and ARM assembly. Something like cat drinking bowl with small fountain and proximity sensor. Or crypto device to store my ssh keys. Or hand-held radio with everything build from scratch using modern crypto and stuff. I also bought 3D-printer and found that 3D-modeling is very exciting.

2. Discover new things not directly related to IT. Like building house, creating or repairing things in house and around, working with wood, welding, etc. That requires some money, for example I bought some land with old house in a remote village and visit it at summer, spending extremely quality time there, near nature. It's one of my retirement plans - to build a house and live there with remote work or investments.

3. I have wife, but if I would be alone, I definitely would think about yachting. It's possible to buy old yacht for $50k, spend another $50k to repair it and travel around the world, including ocean travels. That's my dream which is unlikely to ever come true, but who knows.

I never really cared about achieving anything. I got paid well enough, I build useful things for my country and that's good enough for me. I have $20k in savings right now, LoL, but that's fine, I live in poor country and that's enough for my lifestyle.

Might be wrong but this sounds more like depression to me than aging. I've had a few bad ~6 month bouts of this and always the strongest symptom was a total lack of interest in things that I know I used to enjoy very much. It seems to happen to me once every 5 years or so (I'm 49).

Personally, drugs and CBT never helped me with these. They might help you. I mostly just put my head down and kept coding for work and did nothing after work but lay down. I just had no interest in reading or watching TV or anything. If I hadn't had kids to support, I would not have been able to force myself to go to work either.

Eventually time would pass and it would go away and I would remember how much I liked coding and how much I liked all of my hobbies.

It's very hard to imagine ever returning to normal when you're in some sort of depressive episode. But statistically speaking, you almost certainly will. That knowledge always helped me to get through them. These is a good chance that in 6-12 months, you might again be quite excited by new technologies and the thought of going to festivals/bars/clubs.

I'm in the same boat. I'm procrastinating more and more and I sleep less and less. I've lost interest in doing new things so much that I don't even feel like watching a new show anymore. End up watching Seinfeld again and again. I'm a pink Floyd fan but just few weeks back this finally hit me like it had never before.

"And you run, and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking Racing around to come up behind you again The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time. Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines."

What I'm trying to change now is reset and restart small. Because I now compare myself to all my successful peers, I've forgotten that it takes small steps to build something. So rather than looking at the the final outcome I'm looking to focus more on small and short tasks. There is no going back to my 20's but I can have better and healthier rest of my life.

Find a hobby or a cause you care about and make it a priority. Learn piano, volunteer, etc. Whatever it is, you have to follow through and show up every day. Learn to cultivate passion rather than chase it.

Stop moving around. Pick a place you like and make it your home. It's impossible to cultivate a mature social circle and a meaningful life if you keep remixing every few years. Feeling connected to where you live is powerful.

Date and make new friends. This will be easier if you're showing up for your new passion everyday and you stopped moving around so often. We're social animals and having friends and family you can count on is critical.

See a therapist. Your feelings are valid, but at some point you've lost context. You have what most people never will, but have forgotten how to appreciate it.

Stop drinking and doing drugs and start exercising. A healthy body and mind are a prerequisite to feeling "well". This gets more and more true the older you get.

Ditch social media. Stop listening to the news. Stop watching TV and movies. All these things have been shown to make people sad and feel the kinds of feelings you're feeling. Read more books and go be in the sun more.

Find a job that isn't always at a desk and involves collaborating with other people. Find a job that involves building things you find meaningful, especially if you can find one that involves working with your hands or involves using your communication skills. Your job is what you spend most of your time doing, and if that's meaningless the rest of your life is going to feel so.

None of these things are going to happen overnight, but a good life is built on small incremental changes happening consistently, one after the other. The best time to plan a tree was 20 years ago, the next best time is right now.

You may feel lost, but what you are not is old. Ask yourself what you want to do with the other half of your life.

You sound professionally successful (you've done different things, so you have learned, you've got savings), but perhaps left without a purpose. It's good that these questions come up, maybe your brain is alerting you to the fact that something is still missing in your life. I encourage you to initiate that search, there is a lot more out there under the sun beyond technology - the other commenters contain many suggestions about activity, however I would like to focus on people.

Your description focuses on yourself (not sure if this is a random effect or systematic, since I don't know you); I wonder if you could benefit from looking around you and helping and caring for others. That would put you in a position to make forming your own family more likely, and make it more likely to remain a stable bond that provides fulfilment and purpose.

I don’t have any real advice for you except to say that you’re not alone and what you’re experiencing is shared by many. I’m turning 34 next week and feel similarly, despite having achieved a lot of “success” in my business life. I too haven’t had a relationship in many, many years and am disillusioned by technology. I miss my 20s and envy the younger generation for many things. My body is getting older and more tired too and my natural optimism is less present these days.

I think there is a natural change that happens around this age as the energy of youth starts to be tempered by the wisdom of age (not meaning to sound lofty, it’s just how it came to my mind). There is an opportunity to start seeking things of more meaning and purpose in life, whether it is through study, career change, creativity/hobbies, mindfulness or spirituality, time in nature, settling down, finding new friends or rekindling old ones, moving on, a different kind of travel, etc - it will be different for everyone. You may also be depressed or burned out, which is a whole other thing (that I could also heavily relate to). But I think it’s not correct for people to offer armchair diagnoses over the internet and you should find out what’s true for you.

People also seem to be recommending travel above all else, but this isn’t always a panacea and is not right for everybody. There can also be real value in staying put and changing on the inside, if that’s what’s true for you.

Good luck out there

When I was 35, I could have written the OP's post almost verbatim. I'm 42 now and, despite having spent two years working intentionally on the problem, am still in a similar place on the whole.

Several solutions to the OP's predicament are being advanced with a fair amount of force, and I'm finding that I don't really believe any of them. I do believe that the advice is being offered honestly and in good faith. It's also clearly a good idea to cultivate healthy habits, stay active and meet people. However, I have tried many potential solutions myself and have encountered many false summits, and the tone of the most forceful advice here matches things I would have said to myself when I was camping on them. When I imagine myself taking the advice, I can easily see myself living through the familiar progression of triumph, doubt and disillusionment.

Maybe some of us are just wired for shame, loneliness and regret, and are searching for our safe harbor (to mix in another metaphor) where we won't have to struggle or prove ourselves anymore. That thought counterintuitively makes me feel a bit better. It gives me a reason to not feel ashamed and regretful _about_ feeling ashamed and regretful, and it reifies a system that, whether or not it's the work of humans, is clearly oppressive, which creates the opportunity to find meaning in resisting it.

I started my IT career at your age. In my twenties, I worked as a nurse in trauma intensive care. Saw some ugly stuff.

Do the world, which took about 3.5 billion years to spawn you, a favor for a few months:

https://hospicefoundation.org/Volunteer

Gives a whole new perspective.

But if not, gallows humor is more pleasant anyway.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TRHN5vxnZrI

500k in savings? That is quite the achievement. You should feel good about that.

You might be experiencing a mid-life crisis (assuming you are not undergoing depression). Fortunately, I found what I was experiencing by just openly talking about my feelings to my friends (and not spouse/girlfriend).

For me something snapped one day after age 35. I was relatively successful, married and I suddenly lost interest in my work or any kind of work. Even retired for 6-9 months, only to come out extremely bored - pledging that I would never ever take a retirement. It took me 3 more years to understand what was happening - I felt that at 38 too, and ideally it was still too early to experience a mid life crisis.

Some tips based on my experience:

1. Take very good care of your health. Regularly exercise (including at least some resistance training) and mostly healthy food. Measure health parameters. 2. Rule out any medical illness and/or deficiencies. Get a full body checkup done (including a detailed blood/urine tests). Do not cut corners here, but if not recommended, you could skip tests involving radiation. 3. For a month or two - take less stress (don't overperform or even try to overperform) and find periods of emptiness. After some time fill in those times with some activity that you love to do - doesn't matter how illogical it sounds. Let your intuition guide you. Make notes weekly. 4. On the work side, try to get into a management role. My situation was a little different, I was not an employee.

I do not know whether I am out of the woods(at early 40s), or just got used to the new reality. But I do feel quite better and may have made significant progress - only time will tell.

You can start by forgetting what age you are and hang out with the people of the age you feel like hanging out with. Bars are a waste of time, sure -- they're noisy and pretty mindless. But that's not what you really want. There might be younger people you might get on with but literally all you need to do is be the age you are inside, and make those friends. You're at the age when you have figured out what doesn't make you happy, evidently. But then maybe you know what `would` make you happy, if you could attain it, so go after what you want.

Feeling is the Secret (1944) by Neville Goddard https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ffNWoefuwPM

My birthday was yesterday. I have now lived 80 years on this planet. Seen a lot, done a lot. Do I feel old? Absolutely not. Few aches and pains and other physical problems I let my doctors worry about.

My advice, for what it is worth, is to find some things that you enjoy doing. It can literally be anything. If you are an introvert do things by yourself. Do not force yourself to be around others excessively. If you are an extrovert find things to do with others. That is the real key to happiness. I am an introvert and do things that do not require me to interact with others. Makes me perfectly happy. I have friends. Some of whom go places with others and do things constantly with others and that makes them happy. You will see by my list below that I am a card carrying introvert.

I decided to learn programming. Now I am on problem #50 of the Euler Project. I am, by own estimation, a pretty decent Python programmer. I found bread making some time ago after I retired and bake things for myself and lucky friends and neighbors. I travel. Been literally everywhere with a smile on my face and a walking stick in my hand. I now have time for reading now. Just read The Fatal Shores by Robert Hughes. I love history after hating it in high school. Walking: walk 2-3 miles a day. Ukulele: one of the most relaxing instruments in the world. I love sitting down for 30 minutes and working on a song or two. Then there is backgammon. I am a backgammon fiend. Play it daily. Have become a 'feared' player because of how aggressively I play.

Point is: have a variety of interests, some of which can be passions. Try something and if you don't like it find something else. If you are an extrovert, find a group of people to do things with. Forget stimulants like alcohol or drugs. Life is stimulating enough. Wake up every morning with plans for the day.

Thirties. Married. First kid on the way this year. Consider your opening sentence. Who are you comparing yourself with? Most people don’t achieve much. You also aren’t owed anything. Time isn’t running out. You hold unhealthy expectation that you are owed a certain amount of life. Release that expectation. Read books about real people dealing with real problems. Write real people letters of gratitude and encouragement. Record for yourself your own ledger of gratitude. Learn how to cook and make a few good dishes. Invite people over to talk and enjoy time together. Finally consider the golden rule as diagnostic code. Whatever you love with all your heart will be your god. So don’t love your money, travel, or even time itself. They’re all pitiful gods. You will love other people the way you love yourself. Take an intentional and committed force of action to loving yourself. Be kind to yourself. The most serious relationship you have is the one with yourself. My sincere best to you on your journey. May you be blessed.

We are insignificant and meaningless. Just look at that data. We live on a planet that's billions of years old in a solar system that's probably even older. Currently each one of us is but one of almost 8 billion others currently alive right now. One day you will die with millions of others. Not long after that anyone that has a memory of you will die. You will be completely erased.

You can see that as depressing if you want. I see it a liberating. Accept your current experience for what it is. Not what your silly little mind thinks it _should_ be. When you do that there is no room for discontent, only happiness, peace and contentment. Live life for what it is; a beautiful dream.

You don't deal with it. Here is the thing: the key to happiness is having 0 expectations. When you have 0 expectations everything that comes your way is a bonus.

To put things in perspective: it's really easy to look at other people and thing: gee, by 35 they did X, Y and Z. Doing this means that you reduce those other people to X, Y and Z. You are not X, Y or Z. You are a human being that can grow on multiple dimensions and that more likely than not had unique initial conditions and unique environmental conditions compared to anyone else.

As long as: 1) you're healthy 2) you're enjoying what you are doing 3) you feel like you're growing along one or more dimension I would not fret it.

Time is not running out. Actually, your best years are ahead of you. You maybe no longer have the optimism you had when younger, but the realism you have now means you can actually get shit done and you can attack problems that you ideally can solve. That's enough.

The key of happiness is having 0 expectations and being happy with what you have.

In my unpopular opinion, almost every person yearns for a sense of identity and purpose. Veritasium sums up these yearnings of the soul nicely in his "Our Greatest Delusion" video. However, I disagree with his conclusion. I don't think these yearnings are a delusion nor do I think embracing nihilism or hedonism or drugs or other distractions is the solution. I think ultimately these yearnings are there because God is real and purpose and identity can be discovered by getting closer to the being that created us.

So, my advice would be to explore religion and see if it starts having a positive effect on your sense of purpose in life. Even if you pick a "wrong" religion, I think God can still work with that and help you understand your purpose vs. no religion. IMO, just like software, religious/spiritual belief is an incremental process.

At some point in ones life, it can become more rewarding to mentor the next generation of people to your craft rather than continuing to go on your own.

Mentorship with the young generation couples the energy of the mentee with the experience to avoid pitfalls from the mentor.

One example of this are professors. Many of them you may noticed never want to retire. They are often in an ideal stimulating environment that only improves with time. Every year a young batch of eager students wanting to learn arrive, while profs provide the taste and quality control to direct the energy.

Put things in perspective. There are people in their 50s that still go to bars and continue until their 70s probably, stopping only because of physical inability. Anyway, that shouldn't be used as a measure is what I'm trying to say.

Remember that anything that happens to you has happened to thousands and thousands of men in the past so don't put so much pressure on living.

Also, try to see yourself more as an artist painting a picture rather than someone that is struggling through life. Hope that helps.

The $500k in savings means that you actually have the option to step off the corporate treadmill and consider what else you want to do with your life if you so desire. Even if it won't be enough in San Francisco, it might be enough to live off of in Mexico or in some less central city or state. You could also invest the money, though with market valuations and economic outlooks being what they are, this is admittedly an exceptionally scary time to be investing. Even so, this might be something to consider further down the line.

Economics aside, it seems like part of the problem is that many people your age already have families, and you're now unsure how to make friends who are your age. One thing you could do is seek out people in a similar situation to go to the festivals with, or to go to bars with, or on trips. And if you should happen to meet a bunch of 20-somethings who want to get to know a 35-year-old, then why not?

Either way, you should probably ditch the idea that opportunities are somehow unavailable to you, and instead focus on how you're ready to move on to a new stage of your life. Whether that stage will involve career changes or travelling or moving or anything else will have to be your decision, but it sounds from what you're saying like it may involve building new friendships.

If you look at what's important, you are, in fact, hugely successful. Maybe you're just comparing yourself to others who you probably don't really know. You have achieved quite a lot and for sure more than a great majority of the population.

If you want to feel better and become engaged again, help others. Share your success. Teach. Do hobbies that bring you physically close to a community. There is a lot of research that indicates that volunteering and helping others improves a lot our wellbeing [1].

To me it makes all the sense and I've experienced how it greatly improved my own life. If you like fabrication, the Maker/FabLab movement are awesome (at least here in Portugal).

I'm 46 and some time back, in my early forties, I joined a local CoderDojo club. CoderDojo is a global community of Programming Clubs for Kids. I started there as Mentor, teaching and helping kids having fun with coding and it was a lot of fun. However, the best, was the community itself. I have acquired many new friends and have met a lot of great people between the other mentors, the champions (club leaders/organizers) and also the kids parents. The parents of the younger ones are incentivized to participate.

Good Luck!

[1] https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2020/07/29/voluntee... [2] https://www.jstor.org/stable/3090173

Wow I’m the same age and could have written a similar post. The good news for you is you still can experience a relationship, have kids and get to do all of that. Find a hobby or interest that you’re passionate about (this has to come from your soul) and then just apply your passion towards that, try and be good at it so you stand out and then besides being fulfilling, if you’re any decent at it, it will help you find a mate. And then you can get married, have kids, and in five years come back and write another post about how you’re as lost as you were at 35 except holding your son or daughters hand and going out for ice cream every now and then makes things a little more pleasant.

500k?! Wait what? You should work on some gratitude. Volunteer at a homeless shelter or old folks home or church. Scientifically proven to brighten your outlook and I suspect get you some perspective. Quit thinking about yourself so much. Honestly I find your post a little whiney. My personal advice, and what worked for me more than once, is just say "yes" to most everything. It gives you the exposure you need stimulate your brain and get out of a funk. Oh, and if you're a phone/ fakebook/doomscroller type stop that like yesterday. You won the world being born lottery. Don't waste it.

It's great that you asked this question and (my guess is) it's actually a very common one. Being able to start a conversation and discuss it is an achievement in itself. Kudos to you!

As many have mentioned, fitness and keeping calm is extremely important. With $500K in savings, you are in a financially secure position which is very good.

I invested in a spin bike for a while now and use it with a Peloton class or a Netflix watch of late. Some days the exercise is great and other days it is ok. But, scheduling it and getting it done is a very good habit. Regardless of intensity, just do it.

Next, focus on mental health. Journalling is great and meditation is also quite helpful. There is no aha moment, but just keeping at it will reap benefits.

Next, find someone (right one) to emotionally connect with: it could be a spouse, a partner or perhaps a pet too. Get energy drainers (if any) out asap.

Now that, hopefully, your human side is hopefully is in better shape ... get realistic about your career options. With your experience so far, you are likely very well equipped to decide the next steps.

It sounds to me a lot like you've prioritized your professional life over everything else - no wonder you're feeling empty. You need to focus on you, make social connections, join social groups, get out there and make your life more than work. Once you have some fulfilling relationships none of this other stuff will seem important to you.

Given you have 500k, you could also easily take off a year and just do awesome things and meet people. 35 isn't old either. Not even remotely. You must be living a fairly insular life to think so.

I am almost 42 and my net wealth is <$0. I've experienced your anxiety and gloom but these days I am pretty happy and optimistic about how much I'll enjoy my life as time goes on. The trick is to go deep in something narrow and high-skill-cap (for me it happens to be card games, but the what doesn't really matter). The quest for deep expertise is a boundless source of surprise, discovery, and rich, cheap pleasure. You are wonderfully lucky - with $500k in the bank you can afford not to work for a decade as you develop that deep expertise. I guarantee you that after 20,000 hours of [whatever thing] you'll be able to make money from it if you need to. But don't worry about that now - just pick something deep that you can do at a high level well into old age and focus on getting good. I don't mean good enough to get a job or whatever - I mean GOOD

My faith in Jesus has helped me to find my purpose and reinvigorate my outlook through my late thirties. My local church has provided me an outlet to help serve others and connect with many new friends. If pursuing everything that life has to offer hasn't made you happy, maybe it's time to look into something more eternal?

One measure of happiness is being satisfied with what you’ve got.

It’s clear that you are becoming unhappy. At 80, I’m pretty happy and have been getting more so.

Like most people here, I’d recommend taking care of yourself physically. And go for long walks in the woods and parks. Appreciate what an amazing place this universe is!

I could make a number of suggestions beyond that, but I think the best one would be to take up a study of Zen, which is largely about escaping dissatisfaction.

Joko Beck’s books are a good entry.

I quit my job and did something different. Almost 60 now and I'm about to do it again. Don't regret the mistakes you made in the past. Go out and make some new ones while there's still time left.

Oh.. and one of my best job changes was becoming a high school teacher. Think about it.

Try questioning everything you [mostly unconsciously] believe. This is how do you behave in particular age/status - why? This is what happens when you die - why? Stop believing anything (except that you should generally avoid hurting other people) and have fun. Life is just a role playing game with cool gfx, massive lore and unbalanced mechanics - beat the hell of fun out of it and stop believing you know what's there after it ends. Being lost means having wrong beliefs. We don't know the true but we can give up the wrong (even the whole scientific view is wrong as a belief - it's just a practical picture, the foundation of real science is knowing no theory will stand forever) and face the world with curiosity and awe.

Remember that when you are 40 you will think of 35 as being young and full of potential. And when you are 50 you will look back at 40 and think "everything was possible". Everything is always possible until physical/mental degradation is too far along and that's when options really start to reduce.

What you currently have is experiences and money but on your own with no real anchoring/grounding, no long-lasting "thing" like a relationship, town, daily friends etc. You might even have made your work, money or materials your identity, which ends up not fulfilling.

Besides the health/social/experiences, it's also a matter of simply branching out. Just like this post on HN is essentially reaching/branching out.

> How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

> I am turning 35 years soon

35 is not old... this post is almost offensive.

But spoiler, it's going to get worse. At 35, you don't look old yet. At 40-45, ageism really starts to kick in and a lot of things get harder: e.g. dating, holding a technical job ...

What to do? most people have kids and revise their goals. Some put all their energy into work or hobbies. Some start to drink (very common after 40).

I'm at this point now, with almost 10 years more on my ledger. Between 30 and 40 I experienced the time of my life. I had not that much money but I traveled, got in touch with a lot of people, had some sporty hobbies, I was creative and yes I also dated a lot of women, but never was in a serious relationship. Looking back this would be what I call "freedom".

No I got a child, a well payed job and no time for nothing. I'm still kind of excited for new stuff, but I just don't have the time to pursue that. And that makes me feel sad and not needed, too. I became a consumer, am not a creator anymore. And I don't know what to do about it.

So yeah, not helpful, but I just wanna tell you, that you're not alone =)

This makes me think about a book I read a year or so ago called The Happiness Curve by Jonathan Rauch.

The idea is that happiness peaks in your 20s when you have great expectations and infinite possible outcomes for your life. As you age, you make choices, and reality sets in, and it inevitably leads to some amount of disappointment and dissatisfaction with life.

Fortunately, the happiness curve tends to trend back upward starting around age 50. The author's explanation for this is that happiness is based at least partially on your expectations. The idea being that your expectations are finally adjusted downward enough by the time you reach your 50s that you can be satisfied with normal life.

Wait till you go past 40 and they start calling you "sir" at Starbucks :)

There are two sources of meaning in life: being self-focused and trying to achieve your own goals (like going to Mars) OR being others-focused and trying to achieve something good for them (like parenting kids or helping a group who can't help themselves like curing a disease, fostering animals, etc)

The former tends to start feeling hollow after 30 although some people never lose that kind of drive (and nothing wrong with that)

Living for something beyond yourself is a good way to spend a life and brings much joy you can't get or buy any other way.

The two are very similar in the end, they differ by how you define the success criteria.

"But not anymore now. I feel like my time for everything is running out." -> what is this everything you want to have time for? Do you wish to be in a relationship? since you mentioned it at the beginning.

When I don't feel excited about the world, similar to what you describe, you meditate or spend time in nature. Reading about geology or trees has opened my eyes about how little we grasp about the nature of the universe and how focused on our own short lives we are while we are actually not much important. It's a shift in perspective. Usually, it helps me remember the small things that I still can influence rather than those beyond my control.

Sounds a little like either burnout or depression could be at play here mate. I'd suggest three things; A) work on your physical health. You're in your 30s and can absolutely be much fitter and healthier than you were in your 20s. B) consider taking time out of work and using your savings to do some cool things you've wanted to do for a while - maybe travel in Europe, spend your summer surfing and winter snowboarding or something. C) speak to a therepist and check your mental health is in tip top shape. It can have a really good effect to speak this stuff out to someone and reflect on causes.

Whatever you decide, wish you the best. 35 isn't old.

It sounds like early version of typical midlife crisis.

Many of us have been there, done that. It almost doesn't matter how "successful" you are. (after all, look at Bezos, he seems to be hit really hard with it).

35 is nothing. I remember "feeling old" when I turned 17. Then feeling old when I turned 25, wishing I were 17. Then again every couple of years. From some point I now keep telling myself "you are 5 years younger than you will be in 5 years, and 10 years younger than you will be in 10 years" :D

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Midlife_crisis

> turning 35 years soon

> Now I feel too old to go to festivals, bars and clubs and make new friends that way.

LOL.

No, you aren't old. You are just tired and forgot how to have fun.

What to do with that is up to you, but you are in a desperate need for a new experiences and feelings.

And with 500k in savings you have a pretty decent opportunity to just drop everything and be whatever you want to be for a day/week/month.

Just make a list of things you did and didn't do for some reason - and if the thing is reasonable try to do it now.

> turning 35 years soon

> Now I feel too old to go to festivals, bars and clubs and make new friends that way.

/me writing this with a light hangover. I befriended a new person yesterday in a bar.

35 is definitely not 'too old'.

Come to a rainbow gathering :-) but seriously,try hitching, sleeping outside in your sleeping bag, traveling in "3rd world" countries.... learning spanish while hitching south America or visiting/helping in communities in NZ... maybe a change of direction, more manual, like gardening, helping, might help... on a cynical level , life is pointless , but like a Hollywood film occasionally there are poignant parts that make you glad you were there...

https://festivalsandretreats.com/rainbow-gatherings-in-europ...

Ic.org

> have about $500k in savings. I am single and haven't had a serious relationship for many years now.

You have wealth, a good set of skills, etc.

My advice is to work on yourself. Some basic rules:

1. Focus on personal growth - fitness, hobbies, health and goals (build self-esteem).

2. Find social groups - church, clubs, w.e. This helps foster relationships and a sense of community.

3. Build something. Could be a house, furniture, what have you.

Some basic, pretty universal truths:

We, as humans, seek a community. Whether people like to admit it or not, we want community, family, mates, and offspring. The majority of us need those things to feel fulfilled. We need support and we want to feel affection.

You mentioned travel - what's the longest stretch of time you have travelled for? I went backpacking for two years at 35 and it was the best thing I ever did for myself; the chance to just 'be' without any pressure on your time, the freedom to go and do whatever you like with whomever you like - it was wonderful therapy for me, and I came back recharged and ready for the next phase of life.

If you haven't ever had a very long travel holiday, consider it.

edit: if you want to make friends, I recommend SCUBA diving - I've never met a more welcoming, inclusive community of people

First, you sound depressed which is common when you reach a point in your life where you realise that you might not actually be living true to yourself (that’s the feeling lost part - something in you is making you feel acutely that you are not doing what you really want to be doing). My gentle advice is to take care of that because it’s probably dragging you down. You should probably talk with a therapist and start working out if you don’t already.

You also sound dangerously in need of self love. You obviously haven’t achieved nothing. You have held jobs in widely different environments. Tried to start a company multiple times and put aside a significant amount of money. Be gentle with yourself and try to cut yourself some slack.

Then I think you should realise you are not getting old. You are getting older like everyone else on this planet. There is no magic cutoff when you can’t do things anymore (I mean technically you might get unable to do them physically but you are still far from that). Do what you want. If you feel like going to festivals, no one is going to stop you. Some judgmental people might find it weird that you do things they consider inappropriate for your age but thankfully you don’t really have to care about judgmental people.

Finally, there is no miracle solution to feeling lost. You will have to ask yourself some hard questions (but a therapist should help you if you want to and need to) and figure out what you actually want to do with your life. Good news for you is that you are both single and somewhat rich. That gives you a lot of freedom.

You sound like a genuinely productive individual.

This might sound like complete bullshit, but have you spent any time to try and gather your thoughts in a constructive manner to identify where your feelings are coming from, and where or how you might find excitement and joy again?

You won't find all the answers this way, but it could help you find some direction. Personally I might guess that you need to explore other opportunities and find new passions in life to truely get out of your current state of mind. That might involve travel, as others have suggested, to open your mind to other possibilities, since we often pigeon-hole our focus towards what's already in front of us.

I've been through something similar twice in my life, and as I say, it took both mindfulness and a bit of exploration to find my way out. Sending yourself off to uncomfortable and unknown situations, to discover what else there is to life, for you. We need goals in life to feel like we're achieving something, striving for something, like we have something to live for. Have you lost sight of your goals? Do you still have any as of this moment that you are passionate about?

One last fortune cookie I might offer: Believe in yourself. We all fall down at some point, it's how we handle that fall that really matters, and if you can pull yourself back up, new horizons await.

Delight.

I enjoy living in the future. It's hilarious to me that my favorite tech - NextStep, Linux, Mac - ate the world. I chuckle when I dream of time-traveling to 1997 - me, to reveal that Apple is the most wealthy company in the world (most days). That huge supercomputers have been built to train multi layer neural networks, just as I tried to explain to humans of 1990 why dot products might be interesting to optimize in hardware.

It does not particularly surprise me that most people use a web browser to do anything on a computer, but it's funny to me that I started front-end JavaScript programming in March 1997.

It's also funny that I managed to avoid getting rich, despite seeing all of this coming.

I have tried to understand microelectronics fabrication tech, but 13 billion transistors on my iPhone CPU is indistinguishable from magic. I could show 1988 me an iPad or tablet-laptop convertible running web apps, and he would be very pleased that the dream design seemed to have been realized.

That's the tech stuff.

I'm delighted by my kids. They do neat stuff. The py are better people than I am, which is about the best I could hope for.

I found out - perhaps the hard way - that living on a very modest budget is far more lucrative and secure than chasing a big payout. That's a choice I made that maybe would not be very satisfying to many HN folks. That's ok.

It's all taken longer, I'm older, and health challenges need improvement. But overall the outcome has been pretty good.

You're not getting old just yet.

Don't go to bars (drinking for the sake of it is a waste of time) ... except to see live music, or live comedy, or something. Go to festivals, though.

Or start a regular event or a festival with friends, or spend some time helping a local music venue. Or if you don't know those people, join some group that helps people put on events you might want to attend.

At 33, I was handed a bit of a social lifeline and the brief self-esteem to grab onto it, and found my way into a local music scene that I worked how I could to help support, which sustained me personally until the pandemic arrived. Now I find my life is lonely and detached, but 33 is a long time ago. That period of life was good; I look back on it fondly.

Do something to build the kind of life that fits you now. Be part of something: 35 is a time when you can still have fun but you also have life experience and maturity that helps you organise, see more different perspectives, value creating fun for other people, look out for them and take care of them.

And right now, post-pandemic, anything you do to help people re-establish the connections that have gone a bit cold and the friendships that have lost their steam in periods of lockdown and restriction will be welcomed by like-minded people, many of whom will be your age.

Dear author. It's going to be fine.

I'm 36 and was in a very similar situation like you. I suddenly started to feel like time was passing by and I haven't managed to produce anything valuable, days were becoming very similar and I started to seem that I just don't care that much about work, hobbys anymore

1. Please bear with me here... What helped me is going for psychotherapy (you just talk, no heavy stuff so don't be afraid). I think this is something that is seriously undervalued when it comes to "finding yourself" and people are too afraid to try. If you have opportunity to try please give it a shot ;-)

2. Please read this https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/54785515-four-thousan.... Title suggest it's another productivity-focused book, but it's totally opposite. This book helped me put down a lot of burden about not achieving something important in my life.

I'm sure that there are various things in life that will sparkle joy (like maintaining meaningful relationships, exploring new hobby and meeting new random people. You'll be fine, try something new. Cheers mate!

Feeling like you are taking purposeful action towards things you want is a great way to start feeling better almost immediately.

Think about things you want in the future. Who do you want to become? What material things would you like to have? What experiences do you want? Write them down, these are all goals.

Want a partner? This is a goal which you can (and should) approach intentionally.

Pick your top 3 and start working on them immediately. Like NOW. Take at least one action on all of them TODAY.

I was in a similar spot when i was in your age, 6 years ago. Had a well-payed job an all, but felt like life was escaping away from me. Like the feeling of is this it? I was close to buy an apartment and settle down for good. But something inside me was nagging at me that this was not the right move.

So, a week later I told my boss i would be leaving for 7 months and that i would not take no for an answer. I took all that money, and spent it in a backpacking-trip in latin-america by my self. At 35 years of age. Totally out of my comfort zone.

- It was one of the best decisions of my life.

I made so many new friends around the world, tasted food that I didn't know exists, climbed mountains, dived with hammer sharks in Galapagos. Hiked in landscapes of indescribable beauty. Had a joint under an amazing sky of stars in atacama.. Met beautiful women of totally different cultures. And finally met the girl of my life.

To say the least, it changed my life. I am a much more open-minded person. I look forward to go to places I haven't been in and interact with nature in a much deeper level. I appreciate the differences in all of us much more now than before. The world is a beautiful place, and you should experience it to the fullest.

Say yes to life! Always!

In your situation I would start some kind of psychological therapy. You have a substantial amount of money so find someone competent. I started going to therapy when I was 35 as well, and my therapist said that for the first-time clients this is the most common age group, as defence mechanism that were working when people were young start to break down. Based on what you wrote - sounds exactly what might be happening with you.

I had a very similar experience around 37. My latest startup had crashed, and I sort of woke up to the realisation that (for the first time) not all paths were open to me anymore.

To some extent I think this is just part of the natural cycle of life: the mid life crisis if you will. Looking back I think some of the feelings of regret and rumination on the "road not taken" was more or less symptoms of depression / acute crisis. That part will pass. Exercise helps.

For me it was also a lot about questioning the value system I had been born into and finding my own. And I don't mean just the high and mighty (political) values that we talk a lot about, but the really low level stuff we're often unaware of. If I had $500k in the bank and was in this situation I'd definitely try to find a good therapist (the freudian type - not KBT), and talk about your attitude to work, self-esteem, relationships and values.

For me this was a period of pretty dramatic and profound change. I have a feeling you could have it easier. If so I'd also consider putting some effort into finding a partner, and perhaps having children. But health comes first!

I'm 33 and I'm in a very similar boat. Actually exactly the same to be completely honest. Several things have helped me cope with those thoughts. First one was force myself not to think about it. Whatever spare time I have, fill it up with something and avoid just sitting/laying down and contemplating. Books, walks, exercising, movies, stupid youtube videos, anything but giving myself the opportunity to think about it. Second one is getting yourself into new hobbies, which is extremely easy. I've never been a car guy or anything but cars generally interest me, so I started following Formula 1 closely. Got myself a 3D printer and started studying 3D modeling. Microcontrollers, sensors and small devices are dirt cheap and making small devices is extremely rewarding. And last but certainly not least, when the pandemic started I got myself a dog to keep me company. A fairly large one and a breed that is notorious for being extremely smart and having an infinite amount of energy. I definitely underestimated both of those things but it has helped me massively.

39. Exactly the same, except 4 years older, half the savings and just 1.5 startups.

I'm looking to see if hobbies can help me meet people, hopefully friends or even a partner. COVID isn't helping.

I try to ignore friends and acquaintances that tell me how boring my life is, ask me why I don't have a partner, why I don't have kids, why do I spend so much time alone, why don't I party more... Frankly, they are not helping. Still keep them as friends though.

Dating feels like work most of the time, so I'm doing it less and less. It used to stress me, now I tell myself a partner is not a requirement for a happy life and date when I feel like it.

I am still living abroad, will probably move back in a couple of years. I am putting some unreasonable expectations on the move, hoping it will make things better when I know it won't. At least the weather will be better.

As time piles your age, irreversibility gains terrain in the land of possibility. You can fight to do all the possible or, like me, watch yourself lose with a bitter glass of wine at your lips. It tastes better after a while.

I don't think I'm sad, just profoundly bored.

There are so many answers here to the effect of “Stop right now, find an acceptable partner, get married, have kids, everything else is meaningless.”

From all the long-term (7+ years) couples I know well enough to know if they are actually happy or not, it’s the minority that are happy. Stats don’t suggest I’ve got an unusual sample.

And I’ve heard time and again from parents of older children (when they leave home, or even they become teenagers) that much of the feelings of uselessness or directionlessness return.

This isn’t to discount any of the joy or happiness anyone here is experiencing. The opposite, really. I’m jealous of you. I want to have what you have and I’m pursuing it the best I can. But I pursue it knowing that marriage is just a shot at happiness, not a guarantee or probably even a likelihood. And I’m pursuing it knowing that raising children is a beautiful source of meaning, but it is a season.

It’s a worthy goal. But I’m having trouble squaring the black and white portrayal here with what I’ve seen and experienced.

I went through feeling like this when I was about 27. I felt like I had settled into a comfortable, but monotonous, way of life. Programming, my favourite thing to do then, had become challenging only because of problems created by things like application complexity, framework churn, software development fads etc.

What helped me was taking up new interests and hobbies, ones completely removed from software development, ones with a long history that would take a long time to 'master'. For me this was things like reading, writing and studying ancient philosophy.

I also found developing a kind of 'spirituality' – a word I would have considered dirty in my early twenties – essential to living contentedly in a reality that seems chaotic and meaningless, and accepting things like ageing and dying. For me, the writings and recordings of Alan Watts helped enormously here, but I find different people fill this hole with different things and people.

Lots of good advice here. I would add this: Actively cultivate a relationship with yourself.

I find daily journaling rewarding - just venting on paper or into a voice recording app. After a few days/weeks/months of this, go back and look at highs and lows, repeated themes, energizing things vs taxing things. Why are you here and what is important to you, where do you get joy and energy, what kills your soul? This is one method for getting those answers.

Another method: as you live through your week, Monday through Sunday, hour by hour, record what you do with each hour. Then, look at that picture. Just the act of observing will be a teacher.

You already likely know this all of this, and just need reminding. Best of luck and happy to talk more over email. I’m turning 50 this year and have the same list of thoughts you mention hm… maybe once every three weeks. They don’t go away, but through the work I’ve done on myself, I know how much energy to give them.

At 35, it's not an uncommon feeling, some call it a mid-life crisis.

The reason imo is it's an age when we start feeling our body is getting old, the feeling of "immortality" of our 20s is gone, we realize the clock is ticking.

Add to that what happens those last 2 years, the isolation, especially if you're single, and so of course it's a hard period for you.

Personally, the way I dealt with it, was through reading everything I could find about philosophy, particularly stoicism and buddhism. It helped me a lot, taught me how those feelings are unavoidable at times, how the mind create that pain and how to make it more easily manageable.

But there's no secret weapon, no magic cure, life is painful at time, and things get better by themselves as long as we don't add to it by feeling guity or thinking "it's not fair". Some realization takes time, so be patient and gentle to yourself, one day at a time.

Good luck friend.

You have half a million in savings at 35, and you feel like you haven’t accomplished anything?

I think you’re describing depression, anyway, and that’s the real reason why you feel this way.

Invest in therapy, to help you cope with the fact that life isn’t about having a purpose. You seem to be let down by this idea of “accomplishment” that is engrained into our brains since childhood by our capitalistic society. I’m sure that you can look back and find out many accomplishments, plus you could try and do things for the sake of it. That helped me ;)

> I am turning 35 years soon and I feel like I haven't achieved much

that's normal

with some rare exceptions, at 35 you are too young to watch at you life with the right perspective and you feel like you haven't achieved much.

It is also because it's true, you haven't achieved much in the grand scheme if things, like virtually everyone of us, but what you have achieved on a personal level will be visible in the future, it's invisible right now.

Look at it this way: you are at the beginning of the journey, things that are gard now get easier with time, things that now are easy get harder with age, but at 35 you have actually "lived" less than 20 years, while many more are in front of you and nobody can actually predict what's going to happen next. Life is full of surprises.

You're more lucky than at least 99% of the people on Earth. You're young, educated, presumably healthy, and skilled. You have enough savings to survive for years if you budget well. I share some of those privileges, and it fills me with a deep sense of gratitude when I reflect on it. This leads to a desire to give back and help others. How you channel that is up to you.

There's so much more to the human experience than tech. I didn't have a liberal arts education, and spending time filling those gaps led to a new appreciation for literature, music, history, and philosophy. This expanded my pool of hobbies, and helps me connect with other people across more topics.

I assume you run or work out or something already so I'll skip the physical activity bit.

You may need some therapy. To contrast: I'm 36, don't have 6-figure savings, no house, am married, but haven't lived in other countries or founded any startups, but I also value time with friends much more than career achievements.

Since my recent move to Minnesota I've been bummed out a bit due to isolation due to Covid, lack of sunlight, and a somewhat insular culture. I've been going to therapy to help out and it's been a big help. I've gone from feeling numb or like nothing matters, to just getting by, to being optimistic about my future now that I'm being tested for anxiety and ADHD.

I see that you're looking for an outside perspective with this post, but I suggest getting much more personalized help with a psychologist.

Finding a partner and starting a family is a boring social norm and has been for millennia. It does provide a sense of purpose. In terms of professional success, what would be enough? Making millions on a startup? Billions?A turing award? Starting the next computing trend?

I think this is just the ennui that's part of life. Even married, social people feel the same at some point.

Just consider yourself blessed to have a half a million on the side and think about all the potential problems and health issues you DONT have. A bit of stoic thinking maybe.

I'm a couple of years older but I felt very directionless around your same age. I don't know if it's similar to what you are feeling but I'll share my experience in case it helps.

One thing that helped me was to schedule regular time to be with my own thoughts. This became mornings at a coffee shop with a book and a journal, sometimes after a hike through a local park. I take the time to read last week's entry every time and reflect on it.

Set small goals and forgive yourself routinely. It's through small goals that get transformed into routines that long term goals are achievable.

For me, giving myself "protected" time to actually think helped me a lot with my feeling of directionlessness.

Get married and have kids already. The developed world population has been well below the replacement level, and you will have a new purpose in life, one that is very hard, but feels biologically correct. Kids are a way to try to "get right" all the mistakes you made or people made with you. Of course they will make their own mistakes, but we're talking about what will be rewarding for you. You sound like you have experienced a lot, and should pass on your skills and learnings. You also need higher day to day priorities than your own mental health in order to "get out of your own head" and finish maturing into an adult, IMHO. (Speaking from experience)

> feeling less excited about everything

This may be a symptom of depression. It's called anhedonia, where people feel reduced motivation or an inability to feel pleasure. Many people feel depressed without feeling the typical symptoms of depression, like sadness.

Aside from a lot of the other good advice on this thread I just wanted to remind the OP and anyone else feeling similarly right now to not forget about the covid situation. The last two years have not been normal. Social rhythms, relationships, work ... a lot of things have been disrupted. A degree of malaise is an incredibly common response.

Nothing in my post indicates what to do if this is your situation. But I think am accurate problem statement is a starting place to most good solutions in life, and the pandemic has become so much a part of like that it's easy to forget just how disruptive it has been to the normal trajectory of many of our lives.

Reading through the comments, does it feel like they have no idea what you're going through or where you're coming from? If so, let me tell you what worked for me. None of these comments ever works without having someone around you that you can reality test with. You need to find a partner in life. You need to get married. And no, a live-in partner won't do.

That is it. There is no other solutions for you. Meetups, hobbies, social contacts, "experiences", ... They won't work. You will come back to an empty home at the end of it and discover the same old problems you were trying to deal with.

Just get married.

Dude, you should visit rural Vietnam, Thailand, or Cambodia and meet people who possess almost nothing except unconditional happiness. Maybe then you stop moaning, fcking poor thing sitting on $500K savings and feeling old at 35.

I've too felt this way and one of the reasons for this is you're lacking something on which you can't really put a finger on just yet.

Take this test (1) - it's from a book called your best year ever (no affiliation just found it on gr) and though it feels a little pop-pschy it does give you some insight on where you may be lacking and the cause of such feelings.

(1) https://assessments.michaelhyatt.com/lifescore/ (it will ask you for email so use mailinator)

I crossed that age and I can tell you without much thinking: focus on sleep quality. It's reason number one for your feeling like shit most of the time, and you need better sleep as you get older.

Second, learn how to prioritise what you do in your free time. Too many side projects? Ditch some. You should have got a hint about what you really like by now and it's time to focus on that.

As for the clubs, bars etc: I feel you, but it's normal, you will find equally exciting places where to spend time with people. Your life is over only when you convince yourself that it is.

I'm in a similar position only a bit younger and richer, I've found restricting exposure to information helps a lot. Meditation is basically spending some time not worrying about anything, it's not particularly helpful if you do it for a bit just to browse social media later. What I've done is remove lightbulbs from living spaces, delete social media and timelock any timesink (my browser allows 20 minutes of HN per day), sold my TVs, use candlelights and focus REALLY hard on not even thinking about things you can't change.

It looks you need to find meaningful things in your life. What it is that is meaningful is enterly up to uou. Normally it’s something that happens progressevly, it starts with “this could be interesting” and then evolves from there. Things that directly involve other people, where you feel you are important to them or feeling that you are appreciated have higher probability of feeling meaningful. I would suggest the exact opposite of travel. It’s not about finding the exotic, it’s about looking deeper on the things that are already around you.

Have you gone traveling? I found that spending a few years on the road dramatically changed the way that I saw myself, my place in the world, and my worldview as a whole.

Concepts like "achievement" are not fixed in stone, and are yours to define. Perhaps it is time that you take that challenge on, and define for yourself what success means to you. It doesn't have to be academic, career, or family oriented. It can be anything that you want it to be. But, it does have to come from yourself if you want it to be meaningful.

I'm 38 and feel the EXACT same way! I try explaining to my wife but unable to. I'm all the sudden unimpressed and not interested in most things. Very bizarre and honestly depressing.

You need to read some philosophy. Find new and rewarding ways to reframe your life journey. The Stoics are the experts of moving past troubles and and reframing events in n a practical and/or positive way. Alan Watts was all about viewing everything as a joyful and entertaining whole. “Four Thousand Weeks” is a recent and practical book that aims to get over the idea of achievements and efficiency and get to enjoying moments in life and rediscovering what is meaningful to us.

Just a few getting started ideas here.

A certain degradation of excitement is inevitable but there are countless opportunities you haven't taken yet and challenges that will give you meaning. "Excited about technologies" is an issue that was bound to happen, considering how overpromising every single new innovation is sold. At some point we do learn our lesson and understand the actual difference this new piece of hardware is going to have on our life will be minimal. If you're looking for new things to grab and hold your attention I highly advice to not keep looking in the same place you've been standing at for the longest time.

It does sound like you've worked a lot, and probably also with computers, so you probably should try to find challenges in other fields, mainly sports. Run a marathon, do some climbing, get in the best shape of your life - it is utterly impossible to not feel ecstatic whenever you beat your own records. Also, sounds like starting a family would give you a tremendous benefit. Once you have kids the question about "feeling lost" doesn't even come up (probably because the kids won't let you think enough about that :P)

I'm 32 and I basically did not exist throughout my 20s but now I'm in better shape than I've ever been before, interact with people more than I ever did before and make new experiences on a regular basis.

I'm 42 and in a similar place. I'm in my third year of law school and about to become a patent attorney -- a 4th career. Hopefully this one brings me happiness and fulfillment. /s

For me, (accidentally) having a kid has catapulted my life forward a bit in terms of feeling comfortable in my shoes.

What I came here to add, is something I'm often thinking about these days: you need to figure out what role money has in your life. How much of it do you want, and why?

Yes, I realize this is a gross subject, but I think, at least in the US, we are not sufficiently honest about this.

I think it's OK to want more of it, or lots of it. Or less of it. Or an average amount. But you need to own that decision and reach a place where you're genuinely comfortable with what you have, or want.

Then you can figure out what you're going to do with your time. Are you going to work towards getting lots of money? Then every act needs to be in service of that goal. Do you just want to be rich at retirement? Do the math -- carefully -- and make sure you will be rich at retirement, and figure out exactly what income you need to achieve that. Are you happy with a modest income and wealth? Huzzah, you can relax.

Once you've admitted to yourself what role money has in your life, then you can go about figuring out your hobbies or workout routine or spirituality, or whatever. But I am increasingly of the opinion that savage honesty about how much money we need to be happy has to come first.

I'm 38 w/wife and 2 kids. I like to think that I don't have any time for myself any more. Looking back over the last few years, I've dipped a toe into the following hobbies:

paddleboarding, biking, fixing up a rental property, sewing, electronics, bought an internet business to run as a side hustle, minecraft (family realm), weightlifting/fitness + fixing my sleep (down 30 lbs in 15 mo), sauna (not really a hobby, but ~30 min/day), crypto, knitting, breadmaking, pottery, ukulele, piano, rock climbing, disc golf, pickleball

Find activities that make you happy and double down on those. Pay for classes/coaches. Travel has been pretty much nonexistent the last few years (thanks covid), so we've had to spend a lot of time/money on figuring out how we can stay put and not kill each other.

On the job side, remote work means way more opportunities to find interesting work. Or buy something neat on MicroAcquire and learn how to grow it if you feel like you don't have what it takes to start something. (I don't say that negatively -- I started a lot of things that never went anywhere, but I find that I enjoy the operations/optimization side a lot more and have enjoyed tinkering on a business I bought in 2018).

(edit: forgot lists don't work)

Holistic health and spiritual practices to open your mind and heart.

It sounds like you're drowning, being weighted down, by your own biased judgement.

I'd recommend to fast track to bypass your ego mind's unreasonable, unflattering judgement of yourself, to look into Ayahuasca ceremonies - which are legal in many parts of the world including Canada.

You're blocked from seeing your self-worth, and that's a big problem as like attracts like - and having a low self-worth (or low vibration in woo-woo spiritual communities) is going to only attract more of the same, and not bring you the light (shine or lightness) into your life - if you're not shining or feeling light yourself.

Psilocybin mushrooms are another option that may be more readily available but not legal in as many places.

There's a fairly large community of users of psychedelics/entheogens in San Francisco/Silicone Valley, so if you're a developer from that area, or ever take a trip/journey out there - it shouldn't be hard to stumble into like-minded communities of developers who you could venture with spiritually; Steve Jobs was into psychedelics, likely why his mind was opened exponentially to the possibilities he was able to see with Apple's potential.

The human mind needs goals, you are without a goal (or you are ignoring your goal) so you feel life is empty.

Think hard and deep; are there things on this planet that you would like to achieve? Family, work, travel, home, inventions, helping others?

Write it down, and start to think about how to reach that goal. When you have some steps that would take you closer to your goal take those steps.

My personal take is that you are programed to wanting kids, so that should be a goal for most people.

This is nice advice from Tim Minchin's 9 Life Lessons speech:

> Americans on talent shows always talk about their dreams. Fine, if you have something that you’ve always dreamed of, like, in your heart, go for it! After all, it’s something to do with your time… chasing a dream. And if it’s a big enough one, it’ll take you most of your life to achieve, so by the time you get to it and are staring into the abyss of the meaninglessness of your achievement, you’ll be almost dead so it won’t matter.

> I never really had one of these big dreams. And so I advocate passionate dedication to the pursuit of short-term goals. Be micro-ambitious. Put your head down and work with pride on whatever is in front of you… you never know where you might end up. Just be aware that the next worthy pursuit will probably appear in your periphery. Which is why you should be careful of long-term dreams. If you focus too far in front of you, you won’t see the shiny thing out the corner of your eye.

Full video/transcript: https://www.timminchin.com/2013/09/25/occasional-address/

What I’m reading from this with no other context:

Bored and or depressed because of few to no socially engaging connections in life.

Probably amplified by being stuck inside due to the pandemic.

Did some cool stuff in their 20s but realizing they’ve done “nothing” for the past five.

Sounds like it’s time to get on a plane and enjoy an adventure. Meet some fun people, have fun, and enjoy the life you’ve built.

Then when you land home try to transfer some of that energy towards expanding your social circle, maybe go dating, etc.

I feel like my time for everything is running out. Have you been through a similar thing? How did you deal with it?

Professionally, I have felt that. I have been in academia for a long time, and there are always people who are smarter, more successful, etc. So by my mid-30ies I often felt like I had an ok-ish academic career, I could probably get a permanent position. But I have frequently felt like the point of making a mark has passed (which is probably false) and that I failed. For me it helped to do something really different. First, I consulted for about a year, then I was offered a position in a really nice company and I am enjoying it a lot.

I used to go to a lot of concerts and go to clubs, but by the mid-30s I noticed that my body needs much more regular sleep, etc. and I can't take alcohol as much, etc. Also, that lifestyle becomes much harder with a child. So, we have a far more disciplined life now and I only drink a glass of wine with a nice dinner every few weeks or so. However, we found a lot of enjoyment in other things. E.g. we usually take a 1 week break every few months were we hire a small house near a national park or on an island. We usually cycle a lot, go to restaurants, enjoy nature, etc. It's always a lot of fun and there is always something to look forward to.

I also re-read Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind every few years [1]. The book is about Zen meditation practice, but the idea of finding and approaching things with a beginner's mind is widely applicable.

[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zen_Mind,_Beginner%27s_Mind

> I have held jobs in small and big companies for mostly for 1-2 years each, traveled and lived in different countries, had 2 failed startups, and have about $500k in savings

Just think about this for a sec. You've got a good career, travelled and have $500k US in savings. You're in the top 5% in the US and definitely top 1% worldwide. I think your problem is your expectations... Worry less about 'success' and live your life.

I just turned 35 and my situation is very similar to yours, with the exception being that I am married. Partners and family do give one's life a lot of meaning. That said, I'm glad you asked this question, as these topics have been occupying much of my thinking lately as well. I don't have the solution, but just want to let you know others feel the same as you (as you have probably already seen in the comments!)

I expect it's a temporary rut. I vaguely remember a lull around your age. But I just kept living life, and it passed.

I started my third career (as a software developer) at age 38 just before getting married for the first time at 40 and moving half way across the country. I still had two failed startups (and a successful side project) ahead of me.

Almost 20 years later I still frequently go to festivals and local live music shows. I'm taking some time off to partake in SXSW next month. I have a stack of books I can't get to. I'm still improving my guitar and singing skills, a lifelong hobby.

I've made a bunch of new friends lately with a group that shares some interests. We have regular get togethers, like karaoke Fridays, gun range trips (a new hobby for me), and just hanging out. They are all coming to my Super Bowl part this Sunday. Most of the group is 30s-40s. I go to discussion meetups once a month or so.

I'm not saying all this to brag about myself but show you that most of your active years lie ahead.

A few concrete suggestions:

1. If you spend a lot of time playing video games, stop. It's the world's greatest time suck.

2. Curtail porn.

3. Find meetups that interest you.

4. If your BMI is above high twenties, get it down. Keto and daily walks/hiking/swimming does it for me.

5. Consider getting a dog. It's great for fighting loneliness and can help attract dates.

6. Study stoicism. It's the OG self help. (I'm just starting this now. I think it will help a lot as I move into old age.)

7. Keep spending less than you make. You're in a pretty good spot savings wise. Keep it up.

You are now looking back at a significant part of your life and that is changing your perspective. Not only are you not going to be younger in the future, but you may not enjoy the agility that you had, good looks, and all other niceties of youth.

Our western civilizations do not value age that much these days, it's not a good fit for the always-on high-throughput life required to not go under.

Some get lucky, married, have children, which yet again gives you a different perspective on life (and you start to see how little things matter that you thought matter). This can be a significant impulse through your 30's and 40's.

A guy I know is forever single, about your age - a cultivated man, who enjoys a few recreational activities, but who also wastes a lot of time (something people with kids cannot afford any more).

Not sure what has been driving you, but with a nice chunk of savings try to cut back on stuff you do not really value for a few years and try to refocus on a thing that captures your spirits, whatever that may be.

You probably need to let life capture you again, in its weird ways and I see some people just not crazy enough to allow themselves to.

As a Non-English speaker, my advice is to try some language exchange services. There are a lot of girls out there in their early 20s who want to have a relationship with English speaker like you. Learn a new language and make new connections with new people. A good travel, or new business opportunities. Who knows the future? Being unmarried also means being free. Take advantage of the privileges you have.

Hey OP, I’m a couple years older than you but have gone through this over the last few years. Also haven’t had a serious relationship since I got divorced in my early 30s and was feeling stagnant in my career.

Things changed for me when I stopped giving a shit about work. It’s something I do for money. I enjoy being good at it, but I work my 40 a week, collect a paycheck, treat my direct reports like human beings rather than “resources” and go home.

I found having a creative hobby outside work helps. Putting all your creative energy into a job is frustrating because the job never gives you back as much as you put in. I took up piano at 35 having never had any exposure. I’m by no means good, but I enjoy it and it gives me something to do. I can see my progress, and it helps me not feel stuck in life. I do it for me.

Similarly, I have a competitive / athletic hobby. I’m not good at that either, but I’ve risen from dead last to middle of the pack. I’ve also met a lot of people through it who are great casual friends (not going to say what it is because it’s a really small niche of a niche).

So maybe try doing more things you know you’re bad at but have always wanted to do. Watching yourself grow through them helps prevent you from feeling stagnant. It also helps you be a more interesting person, which will help you in the dating scene.

And on dating, try to put yourself out of your comfort zone there too. Sadly with the pandemic most dating happens through apps. Maybe go out on a date with someone you normally wouldn’t, like a same-sex partner if the idea has ever held any appeal to you. It’s never too late to experiment, and at our age you should have already realized that nobody other than your mom gives enough of a shit about you to care what you do in life.

You've laid out a number of things:

> I feel like I haven't achieved much, both personally and professionally

> I am single and haven't had a serious relationship for many years now.

> As time went on, I started feeling less excited about everything, personal or work related

> I feel like my time for everything is running out.

Nobody is going to be able to untangle all these in a comment, so it wouldn't be fair to try. I'll give one suggestion. Find someone who is qualified and willing to help you untangle all this.

Would that be a friend? A relative? No, or it would've happened by now. So who? A good therapist :)

If you can get past the judgement a lot of people who've never seen a therapist have, I think you'll find it very helpful. You have the money and if a therapist is not helpful after you've tried a few different ones, then at least you can cross it off your potential solutions list.

This isn't an uncommon or unique set of thoughts to have by the way. That cult movie Fight Club is all about it. Its solution was to drop down to being violent apes. A solution I lean towards is moving up to being a conscious human being :)

Good luck on your journey.

This resonates a lot with me. In my case I think the lack of a relationship for a few years exacerbates everything else. A lot of suggestions from small (go for walks) to big (do some travelling) just make me a little sad that I would be doing those things alone.

I always find it particularly funny when someone says "oh, I totally get feeling lonely. Just the other day I was telling my wife that I was..."

I turn 50 in 2 months. (I'm as surprised as anyone.)

I just had my first kid, a son, 7 months ago. He is amazing. But also, I'll be 70 when he turns 21 and that is terrifying. I'm hoping he keeps me young :)

A few years ago I ditched Ruby and went into Elixir. It's been amazing. I don't know what kind of self-limiting BS you're telling yourself but you sound like you're just in a rut and need to change your surroundings. Plus, 2 years of COVID is a drag on anyone's psyche.

I love gaming. Gaming's been better than it has ever been.

I also love EDM. Same story, the fact that recommendation engines know my taste SO well means I don't have to lose touch. I'm still listening to songs that came out a week ago on a regular basis.

I too have some money saved, and some early startup work has started to pay off. So I'm currently working on a business plan (very hard as I have some ADHD) to start a business, I think I have enough industry time to pull it off and I'd love mentoring people.

Find your thrill, sleep well, exercise, etc. etc. Make sure you don't have seasonal affective disorder. Good luck

Does this quote from Alan Watts help? “There’s nothing in your life that is supposed to happen. if you have no fixed view, you remain elastic.” My advice is to explore spiritual philosophies that focus on waking up from our constant thought world, and to realize that all this idea of where one is supposed to be in life at certain stages or ages, is just made-up mental load.

This happened to me around 35 as well.

It's important to recognize that you're still young in the grand scheme of things.

A lot of the other comments recommend making friends, having kids, getting married, etc. Those things might help, but can also make things worse. And ultimately, they might not necessarily fix what YOU need.

It sounds like you lack meaning in your life, motivation, and a clear direction.

It's important that you spend some time thinking about what you want your life to look like to create the happiness you desire. What's missing? What do you want to be working on? What will provide you fulfillment? etc.

You might need to go explore some new hobbies or experiences to figure it out, but therein lies the exciting part of life. Try something new and don't be afraid to fail. It's just part of journey.

Once you've got that picture of what you want your life to look out, write it down. Then start making 2-3 year plans to move your life into that direction. This should help get you excited (or scared). Use it motivate yourself to get to your desired end goal.

> to festivals, bars and clubs and make new friends that way.

IMHO those aren't always friends. 1 in 100 maybe, but mostly I found they're people I partied with and that's it.

> How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

When I turned 42 I found the answer for me, be less of a piece of shit, like in a deeply metaphorical way. For me that meant take on more significant personal responsibility and expect less from the world.

For you?

Have a kid or kids, no joke. And yes, of course, all the other things that go with that, a partner, a steady job, a nice place to live, etc... They and your partner are built in friends.

Or dogs, or a dog. Barring those options maybe a cat. And if none of those appeal then a few plants. Maybe starting with a spider plant, they're pretty robust and were my first foray into the space. And if not a plant than long long walks in nature, everyday.

It sounds like you're very introspective, and not to sound dismissive, but you may be spending too much time thinking about yourself. It might be time to take care of another person or creature.

Find contentment in what you have and not in what you want. What you want is not true, a falsehood, quite often when we actively seek out our fantasies they fail to live up to our expectations, ergo it is the thought of something that appeals to us not the thing itself. Real fulfilment is serendipitous and you are only partly have agency in that. If you go though life stressing about what you have not the possibility for misery is as endless as your imagination. Look for the beauty in what you have, a morning sunrise while out jogging, a house, a quiet morning on your own terms, look for moments of peace in what you experience look for the tao and love it. You have been to festivals in your 20s, there's nothing else for you to learn there, it's made you wiser and to continue to act like you are 20 will just be an empty form of masterbation. Oh and get a dog, possibly a malamute and walk it twice a day, it's all you need really, the rest is details.

Hey no worries. I'm turning 30 in a couple days and have zero fucking dollars left. I hear philanthropy makes ppl feel better :)

I just read a review of this book with seems worth a read for a man of any age. Take solice that you're not alone in the feelings of uncertainty, and good on you for sharing.

Pulled from Rob Henderson's email (which is not linkable sorry) http://us4.forward-to-friend.com/forward?u=412bdf6ca38cdf29c...

For most men, the life structure of the late twenties is fragmented and unstable. They’re unsure if they chose the right career path. The possibility of marriage becomes a more pressing concern. They feel aimless if they don’t already have a solid relationship, home base, and career path.

From here, men enter what Levinson terms the “Age Thirty Transition.” In the late twenties, men realize that if they are going to make a change, they must do it soon, otherwise it will be too late.

This change could be about their careers, what city to live in, whether to fully commit to their romantic relationship or pursue other partners, and so on.

Levinson writes that this transition is often stressful. He calls it an “Age Thirty Crisis.”

This happens when a man’s current life structure is intolerable, but for whatever reason, they are unable to form a better one. A moderate or severe crisis is common during this period.

The Age Thirty Transition often begins with a vague uneasiness, a feeling that something is missing or wrong in your life. At this point, men sense that they must either find a new direction and make new choices or strengthen their commitment to the choices they’ve already made.

For some men, the process is smooth. By 30, they feel their lives are reasonably complete. Still, it’s possible that they are not acknowledging flaws in their lives, which “often surface at a later time, when they exact a heavier cost.”

62 percent of the men interviewed in the book went through a moderate or severe age thirty crisis.

Levinson concludes:

“A stressful Age Thirty Transition was more the rule than the exception in our study...Many young adults as they pass 30 have serious doubts about the value and viability of our society and about the possibility of forming a life structure worth having. Perhaps every generation feels that its life problems are unique in character and severity—and each of them may be right.”

First of all, at 35 you're still a baby. Tap the brakes on your anxiety around running out of time.

Second, most everyone is recommending other self-interested pursuits and I don't think you'll find the best fulfillment there.

For me, the answer to "what's the point?" is: kids. After I pursued all of my self-interested goals (resulting in a mix of failure and success depending on who's keeping score) I had kids and realized none of that stuff I pursued really, truly mattered. In fact I wish I'd had kids sooner, as young children (I've got three) are an especially thorough ass-kicking for a 40+-year-old.

Having kids with a like-minded, selfless partner is literally the very best thing I've ever done. And it's the best thing I suspect you'll ever do if it comes to pass. As a friend of mine (who also had kids later in life) says, you have kids and you realize "oooohhhh, this is the whole point".

First of all, you're 35 and have half a million dollars US? Congratulations, you won "Life on Earth". I'm seriously, that's pretty awesome and you should be pretty stoked about that (privately! Publicly be modest or at least fake it well.)

Also, 35 is not "getting old". Your time is not running out quite yet. If you live to be 70 you have another whole lifetime to work with, eh? If you live to 85 you have a half-century yet!

Secondably, what do you have faith in? I don't mean religion necessarily, but the search for meaning in life is something to attempt sooner rather than later. If you were having the same problem at 50 or 60 it's kinda late in the game.

Last but not least, try helping other people. It's very fulfilling.

- - - -

What you're going through is perfectly normal. I remember the day I woke up and nothing hurt and I was really happy about that, and then I thought, "I'm officially old now."

Same except the $500k in savings. I have much less, but I own stock options that may compensate.

I came from a very bad background. Because of my "nationality" I can't work for most Tech companies (because US law), and I spent 10 years until I could settle into a country that I may call home but sadly I don't like to live in.

Relationships? Nothing serious and due to me focusing to much to survive (and my average looks) I never had a stable relationship or found a good partner.

Be grateful of what you have. Some people consider me lucky to live in several countries and seeing the world while looking for a place to settle in. So you are in good place. Just take some time off (I mean 3-6 months) and travel the world, learn a new hobby, take cooking lessons, attend more meetups to meet new people who can spice your life. The hub you live in can be dull so change where you live.

We are less and less excited with new things as we age, that is natural. We need to find other ways to manage our mental health and motivation than merely seeking novelty. I found Andrew Huberman podcasts very useful resource. https://hubermanlab.com/

My advice for you being the same age:

The first thing is regular exercise, hydration, and meditation. If I fail on these at any point my mind goes to shit.

Second, humans are a pack animal. You are right that your peers won’t be in clubs or bars. You aren’t either so why would they be? If you are looking for a romantic partner to start your pack, you can look online. Talk values first is my advice there. For companions who aren’t romantically involved with you, try going to events near you in your part of the industry or in a hobby.

Third, get a hobby. Humans are not bees or ants. We need more than work and the hive. We need to feel passionate and productive. If your main job does not offer these, it is time for a hobby.

I’ve gone to pretty dark places internally, and have at various points in my life had very bad mental health. My mental health really seemed to stabilize in my late 20s. Now, I’m doing better than I ever have and I owe to these things above.

I’m 31 now and used to be quite fit but developed disability after a hospitally acquired infection and antibiotics and now have chronic severe food intolerances. I don’t know how I am going to cope as I get even older. It doesn’t seem like I can get very fit. There is a mild developing heart condition as well now. What do I even do?

> I feel like I haven't achieved much,

> about $500k in savings.

> I am single and haven't had a serious relationship for many years now.

Sounds like you've focused entirely on your career (and achieved plenty there). Those savings give you freedom to try other things. Make a change, get a hobby, dive into that.

You're still young. There's tons of things you can do.

[Meta] I wonder if it's just me but, reading through these comments I can imagine myself being the OP and thinking that every comment here is both very insightful and terribly useless simultaneously.

All I can think of reading through all the different perspectives is: "No one can fix you, only you can find the solution to yourself".

There's some great advice in this thread--it probably won't help.

Around your age I found myself saying "everyone has to learn the hard way" and that includes talking about my own nonsense. Therapy helps, a family helps, hobbies help, volunteering helps. But ultimately, everyone has to find their own way. And you will!

Find contentment in what you have and not in what you want.

What you want is not true, a falsehood, quite often when we actively seek out our fantasies they fail to live up to our expectations, ergo it is the thought of something that appeals to us not the thing itself.

Real fulfilment is serendipitous and you are only partly have agency in that.

If you go though life stressing about what you have not the possibility for misery is as endless as your imagination.

Look for the beauty in what you have, a morning sunrise while out jogging, a house, a quiet morning on your own terms, look for moments of peace in what you experience look for the tao and love it.

You have been to festivals in your 20s, there's nothing else for you to learn there, it's made you wiser and to continue to act like you are 20 will just be an empty form of masterbation.

Oh and get a dog, possibly a malamute and walk it twice a day, it's all you need really, the rest is details.

I think this is a pretty normal feeling to have. For myself it was a fine line between “accepting reality” and actual depression. Getting older and realizing half of your life is behind you is not the most uplifting topic.

So that would be my first piece of advice, get some counseling or other mental health help.

As for what to do beyond that, you didn’t really say much in your post. You briefly mentioned your relationship status, so it seems that might be a area to start in. The good news for you is that at 35 it is perfectly acceptable to be dating people in their mid to late 20s, so you still have plenty of time to start a relationship and have a family.

From my personal experience being married and having children will completely disabuse you of your current feelings. You may have other problems to deal with, but “what to do with the next 20 years” won’t be one of them.

Better to not let those kinds of ideas trick you. You'd be rich in some parts of the world. You're not yet old. Maybe it's time to get out of wherever you are and find happiness in a place where people will appreciate you. Personally I dream of this but my savings aren't enough yet.

Make peace with who you are today, and the paths you didn't take. It's the hand you've been dealt by your older self.

The more you spend wanting something, the more energy you drain. The people who age well often limit their focus to a few things. You'll also find that there's a lot of things and experiences that money doesn't buy; it's often best to figure out what experiences matter most to you.

One trick is to learn what death means to you and work backwards from there. Do you believe in an afterlife deep down inside? Do you want to die on a battlefield? Do you care about who comes to your funeral? On your death bed, what are the things you would regret not accomplishing?

Anyway, if you want to make new friends, my email is on my profile. I'm about the same age, similar level of ambition.

I'd buy crypto for half of the money and forget about it. Move somewhere cheap but comfy and play computer games and browse the internet and interact with people there for few years till I figure out if there's anything else in this world I'd rather do than enjoy my early retirement from the world of money and relationship chasing.

I'm 43 and doing something similar for last few years, not exactly the same because I had a different starting point than you.

Also try to excercise a bit because this mortal shell is crap.

It might not be for everybody. But once you accept meaninglessness of it all there are huge benefits of having a 100% of your life just to yourself.

I know mentioning crypto will not sit well with many people here but I see it as a retirement plan at the expense of greedy people of this world.

In my 40s. I feel that way too sometimes. My advice: try new things! I just started motorcycling; signed up for MSF course, got a used bike and it’s awesome. I play beer league hockey and that one night a week playing and being with the boys is precious (and theuropeutic…in a house with only daughters and wife lol). Snowboard in the winter…got my kids into skiing…golf in summer…LeetCode for fun to keep my mind/coding sharp. You get the idea. My day job (Android coding) is kinda mundane and is really just for the paycheck…and so my personal philosophy of life is to keep trying new things, diverse things, not being afraid of new things, and just going for it. I’m never bored and I don’t sweat things like “legacy” and whatnot. Enjoy life!

When I was that age is when I started having babies with my then wife. All the below advice seems fine to do, but maybe it is also worth considering an inquiry into your self, some sort of psychotherapy or meditation (as a verbal sort of person, I really enjoy therapy as a way to understand my situation better; as an anxious person, I find meditation helps me act closer to how I prefer to act).

Is your life somehow ill-fitting for your values, for what you find truly admirable?

Or kids, you will see new things and not have time to worry about boredom. Your time is running out, but that is the normal nature of life. As my meditation teacher would quote from time to time, “Take heed, do not squander your time by day or by night; this very day your life is shorter by one day.”

Yes time is passing fast. I am the same age as you and I feel the same. It’s hard to find new things to get excited about but a older friend of mine told me a perspective that is a bit more positive. He enjoys to get gradually better at the little things. In his opinion the 20s are everything fast and easy. For example of friends, it’s so easy to find friends if you’re 20. But it’s A good thing to enjoy the little steps we go with old friends in our 40s and 50s and becoming gradually better friends. That works with everything . Just getting a little better at little things and trying to enjoy this.

But my reality is like yours.., those feelings that the time is running are closing me in. I try to enjoy the moment and don’t get overrun by the burden if time

Having kids fixes the problem of feeling old and lost. Your life now has purpose and you have lifelong blood buddies to share experiences & stories with.

Having kids also means ideally having a stable relationship with a partner and you'll never reach that point without dating.

Work, at the end of the day, is meaningless if you feel your life is without purpose. Money isn't quite meaningless in that it can help to entertain & distract you and also help to attract & retain a partner. Everyone likes someone who is self sufficient.

Most technologies aren't necessary, most companies aren't necessary, most work isn't necessary. If you approach life from that perspective you'll see that the only thing worth dedicating yourself to is family & friends.

There seems to be a lot of focus on the material in your post. The material aspects of life are not unimportant, but they are secondary.

If this focus on the outer person is not satisfying, then it may be time to explore other aspects of life. The following site can help you investigate this for yourself:

https://www.selfauthoring.com/

What you are experiencing is nothing new. The book of Ecclesiastes was written thousands of years ago, and may be worth a look. Here's the first chapter:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=ecclesiastes%20...

Not sure if it helps, but I can tell you what I would personally do if I was in your exact situation.

I would live cheaply, I would exercise and train and buy the requisite gear, and then at the next opportunity I would go hike the PCT.

I really want to do it, but with “settling down” on the horizon it looks unlikely that I’ll ever be able to do so.

Maybe you wouldn’t say “hike the PCT” but perhaps you can put yourself in my shoes for a moment and think - what would I regret not being able to do assuming I am settling down 5 or 10 years from now?

If I hadn’t already done so, my answer would have been “backpack around the world.”

I’m sure there are lots of big experiences you could devote some time to, that would in themselves give you the opportunity to gain clarity on what you want.

> I am turning 35 years soon and I feel like I haven't achieved much, both personally and professionally.

It's called "midlife crisis". Everyone goes through it.

> I feel like I've seen most things before, and it's all just different iterations of the same.

Yes. I am over 50, I have been programming since I was 10 or so, and I have seen even more iterations than you :-)

You only get excited about these things if you see them for the first or second time.

On the other hand, if you understand the principles that makes things work, instead of just knowing every single detail, that gives you some good guidelines to cut through the crap and do some slick, efficient things.

> But not anymore now. I feel like my time for everything is running out.

Nah. The fun is just starting for you.

I’m 32 and in a similar situation. I lost my mother and both brothers within last 6 months of last year and ended up questioning everything.

Even though I was in this moment of time where I was questioning everything I couldn’t actually move forward with any of the changes I wanted. The big mental changer for me was the gym. Not necessarily for health but because everyday I’m pushing myself to failure and also seeing improvement.

Even though I have hobbies like photography and being a drummer to be honest I would be frustrated at that type of failure and avoid it. Maybe the lack of feeling creative is too personal to face right now. Since the gym I feel like that’s improving and I am slowly reaching out to a social circle again and seeing new opportunity.

It has improved my mental clarity and personality too. I am lucky to have my girlfriend of nearly two years and I was preparing to propose before all this happened. I would question that too but I started to realise I didn’t want to be this person running from my problems in different countries again. I didn’t wait for the perfect time but did the best I could and that went well.

I suppose for me in the area of finding a partner was finding faith in myself again. At around 30 I was about the same and hadn’t been with anyone I could see marrying. I couldn’t seem to attract the type I saw myself settling with. I think that changed with the gym too and applying focus to my new interests at the time like photography.

After I stopped trying with my current fiancé, maybe a year and a half of our first meetup, she started to see who I am and what I could be because I was just applying myself to improve my own life. I think we all like to see that in each other no matter gender or preference. It can just be within your friendship circles after you grow out of drinking buddies.

I think you know it’s not your too old to go out a be that guy again but you don’t want too. Trust me I have old friends your age who are still acting like their 20 and reliving all the same mistakes. Right now you just need a physical parallel to what your mind needs to do. Fail early, learn and adapt, improve and grow

500K in savings, that's nice. I have 1k savings.

You didn’t prioritize relationships. You chased money and now realize that money after a point is just a huge safety net. All you’ve done is check boxes. Go to Europe, check. Buy a toy, check.

When you die, nobody will give a shit about the toys.

Stop looking at what people brag about (money, travel, toys) and concentrate on relationships.

Look at it this way - unless you have some physical impairment, how is it that you’re so successful, yet not ONE person wants to be your partner? The answer of course is you haven’t made yourself interesting and attractive to ANYONE.

Either you don’t go out enough to find her, don’t engage enough, don’t take care of yourself enough, etc.

Make it your priority, work on it like a real problem, and see where it gets you.

I will turn 67 on Valentine's day so I am in the 4th quarter of my life. As I look back on my life I have enjoyed a lot of successes (two retirements) and some significant setbacks(bad marriage). That is the nature of life. There will be ups and downs. You just need to learn how to handle the downs so that you end up in a positive posture when get to your 4th quarter. Don't give up or get disillusioned anywhere along life's journey because you can always make a comeback no matter how far you are down at any given point. Life is a great and rewarding experience. Don't let negative thoughts or feelings spoil it.

I think it's all a sign that you look for happiness at a wrong place (for you). I'd suggest to look at other aspects of life, in light of what makes people happy, what makes their time feel worthwhile. For example, you haven't listed your social connections at all, aside from being single. If this reflects your current priorities, I'd suggest to look for people who make you feel like you belong.

Coincidentally this is also how I personally moved my life forward, but it's not just an anecdote, lots of different sources tell me that this is what matter at the end of the day. For a random example, Season 3, Episode 4 of Bojack Horseman (Fish out of water).

Hundreds of good comments on here already, but I'll add another anyway, fwiw. I'm in a similar situation. 36 years old, haven't achieved much, no family, don't even have much savings.

For me, though, what keeps me feeling excited about the future is problem-solving, especially in the machine learning field. There are tons of problems that still exist and need to be tackled, tons of products that I want to exist that don't. If I stay focused on "This solution does not exist yet and I want it to exist", worries about achievement and mortality get out of the way more easily. It's not about me, it's about the problem.

I met my wife while at a club watching a local band when I was 35 years old. At that point in my life I had about $50K in my 401K, but only about $5K in savings.

The two of us didn't accrue $500k in savings until I was 55. I'll be working until I am 70, since I started a family late, and I still have the youngest of three kids in college.

You are not too old. Yes, life changes, but life is what you make of it. I am still alpine skiing in my mid 60s. I just joined a startup three years ago.

And now that all the kids are out of the house, my wife and I can walk to the nearest restaurant for happy hour and day we want. No waiting for the weekends. no needing to hire a baby sitter.

This ought to give you some good pointers:

https://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2011/10/marc_marons_mid-life...

That's a lot of different issues in a single post.

IT is getting boring and a lot of things are just being reinvented badly, that's true. Aside from some very small niches that might be worth exploring if you still care.

That most things in life naturally get harder as you get older, is also evident. You'll just have to try more and build on your experience (regarding friends, relationships, startups).

Don't worry, at 35 you're still very young, it's the best age for many things (relationships...). Many people will envy you for that and for the freedom you have, not being stuck with the burden of responsibility (from family life, having your own company etc.).

I went through it. You need to find yourself a partner. Soon you'll start having fatherly feelings. And then you'll have kids. And then it's a whole new ballgame.

It happened to me in early thirties. I mean, how much beer can a person drink and how much bars can a person visit before it gets old? One day I just started thinking to myself how I would like to have another human being around and take care of it. Pass some of my knowlegde and experience to it. Luckily I had a wonderful wife and we went for it. Two kids later I have never been so exhausted and happy.

That's my experience, maybe you take something from it. Whatever you decide, good luck!

I was really depressed while doing my PhD, and something that helped me a lot was getting seriously involved in a social dance community.

I think this could help you a lot. It really seems to me that what you’re missing is human connection, and social dance is a way to facilitate it.

There are dance communities with plenty of people your age. It’s a totally different scene from bars and clubs. People don’t drink very much because it gets in the way of dancing.

It’s also a good way to find potential relationship partners, although the primary interest should be the dancing, since people can tell if you’re just there to hook up and that will come off as creepy and predatory.

For me, my mental/spiritual/emotional health needed to come first. All my problems around life centered around unconscious turmoil that I wasn't facing. Its my believe that health problems start on a emotional/mental level which has a lot to do with the choices I make.

For me, I really needed to work on resolving my early inner trauma that I carried with me throughout my life.

The information that helped me face this aspects of my life and helped me get back on track of living a loving and peaceful life:

Constructive Living - David K. Reynolds. All works of James Allen The Mankind Project (Don't believe everything you read online about MKP)

This might be helpful. https://alantabor.medium.com/reverse-engineering-my-life-e06...

I did this on retirement around age 55 so I had a bigger database of experience in my starting sample but with a widely varied work experience you should be able to systematically dig what drives engagement.

Note, this isn't great for a 'and now for something completely different' crisis where some excluded aspect of your self wants center stage and is fading the usual things to gray.

Reminds me of https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/i-thought-i-wou...

My artistic motto is “Always write five hundred words before noon.” My life motto is “Write one best-seller before age thirty-five.” Today I’ve written one word, a text message to Sanjay that just says, “Hey!”—but I didn’t finish it, just like I didn’t finish my Ph.D. in political science or my engagement to Jennifer in my late twenties.

Have you asked your parents yet? They have a lot more experience being old than you.

I do understand. Do others, notably friends and family feel you haven't achieved much, both personally and professionally? You are young (I'm 60 and young!), single, relatively wealthy and presumably free. Could you work on something that you are excited about, whilst you are? The world has many problems. Can your technology skills and experience help?

Folks here, including me, may think we are helping you. We probably are not:

https://shatterealm.netlify.app/personal/2021_01_02_living_w...

I'm 36 and in a similar boat. Without going into my story, I'll tell you that one thing that has been helpful for me is "giving back."

For instance, like you, I used to enjoy music festivals (still do, but differently now). Remember how cool your first festival was? How can you contribute to the experience that the first-time 20-something festival goers have now? Build a cool piece of LED art? Volunteer? Start on a project. Get involved.

The above is just one example of the many ways I've found to give back in various areas of my life. It is fun, rewarding, and opens doors to new opportunities and people.

https://youtu.be/FgtcajwNid0

Watching this old guy (Chinese with subtitles) talk about his ups and downs really gave me some perspective a while ago

Nice humble brag there guy. I'd kill have that kind of savings and those life experiences.

As hokey as it sounds, practice mindfulness or meditation. You need to learn acceptance and self love.

Also, you should work on getting healthy and start lifting weights if you are not already. I'm not telling you to bulk up, but resistance training is a must for better health.

I warn you, 35 is when the factory warranty comes off and health issues start popping up. Half of health issues are just down to the luck of the genetic lottery, the other half you can actively work on. Might get a checkup and work on any issues you may have.

You found out your old life isn't fulfilling anymore - and that's great! Better to face it than hide from it.

Well, you have money and time so it should be easy to go find what it is that truly moves you! It won't be stuff you already know. Also, it helps to do things differently... don't be trapped in the "old you" persona. That's just something we make up to make reality feel more solid. Define yourself based on what's going on right now, and not based on old notions of you.

Your spirit (if you will) is begging you change the way you live so just go along with it.

But that's true, all modern "new" technologies are bullshit, they are little but attempts to milk the most stupid of consumers using same old shit under new names (Metaverse? we had Second Life for how many years? VR? VFX-1 was working just fine 25 years ago, and was about as useless as today's gear).

That's alright, keep your savings in the stock market and retire happily at 65, and for now just do something taking as little effort as possible to fund your current expenses.

Young people aren't "better", they just don't know how pointless life is, YET.

- $500k may seem not much for you. Guess you would have more if your start-ups took off or if you would just work in fang and save the money.

- The money doesn't really matter. Guess you would feel the same if you had a successful start-up running.

So to your question. I can really understand you. To be honest I don't have a solution for you, but guess money isn't part of it. I think you would feel the same if you had $10m on your bank account. So it's more the social part. There are some obvious steps you could try to improve it, like dating for example.

Lock up your savings. Live “lean” for a few years. Read. Keep a garden. Eat healthy, get plenty of physical exercise. Dream of creating a legacy in your life that is not a waste of your humanity.

I turn 42 this year. My feeling is that there’s always something you haven’t tried. Over the years, I’ve changed careers, failed to change careers, went back for a masters degree, tried totally unrelated hobbies, and more. I’ve done community radio, had writing published, played in bands on the radio, started blogs and apps, and more. If it’s getting stale, look for a change of context, maybe even move cities. But often you can just follow your interest into something new. Works for me at least

As someone who will turn 50 this year with a 4 year old and a 1 year old, I can tell you what worked for me.

But fundamentally you need to work out what brings you happiness, and aim for that.

It's all relative. 35 is older than many people, but also younger than many people.

You have way more money than most people. If you move to a place that is not expensive, and if you invest the money well, you may never need to work again. That means, you get extra 8 hours a day (more if you include the commute). That means, if you compare yourself with an average 20 years old, both of you will have the same amount of free time between now and the moment each of you becomes 50.

For most people, the greatest professional achievement will be to pay their bills. Congratulations, you have already completed this game!

So now I would suggest focusing full-time on your personal and social life. Find a hobby that is neither about making money nor about consuming things (that includes travelling). With that hobby, you may find a community. With the community, you may find relationships. (Much better way of meeting people than "festivals, bars and clubs". Bars are for drunks; drunks are sad.)

People in their 20s have the advantage that the school provides a social environment for them. Past that age, you need to actively seek the company of people; it will not happen on its own. There are probably many activities happening all around you; you just don't pay attention to them. If you see something happening in your neighborhood, go there. You may find recommendations on Facebook. Try to visit some social activity at least three times a week. Especially things that you never tried before. Find a list of local non-profit organizations, call them and ask if you can help them in any way; that way you can enter lots of new bubbles.

> I feel like I've seen most things before, and it's all just different iterations of the same.

There is a possibility that although you have experienced many countries and jobs, you were doing similar things everywhere. Specifically, making money and partying; because I don't see much else mentioned in your text. What is conspicuously missing there: hobbies (other than technology), values, spirituality, prosocial behavior, art... You might want to try experimenting a bit with these and see what happens.

> I feel like my time for everything is running out.

This was always the case, you just noticed it now. Hopefully, you still have lots of time left.

You have time. You're 35. Realistically that means you've probably worked about 10 years and still have about 30 to go. Relax. You've got some money saved; I was in a similar situation a few years ago and took a sabbatical year. Maybe that works for you. Just do nothing for a bit but enjoy the outside world, disconnect, read philosophy. That really gave me a lot of peace and led to a career change and a lot of understanding about what I find important in life.

I was in a similar position a few years ago. What helped me was having kids, life becomes much easier when you are around people who still don't know that it is pointless.

Is there some pet peeve you have about the world, which you wish to change? If there is, and you can put your finger on it, making it happen could be a very fulfilling thing to do.

I just figured out my pet peeve, the design principle I wish to impart to the world... after watching this video recommended in a different thread

Bret Victor Inventing on Principle -- https://youtu.be/8QiPFmIMxFc

I wish you luck if you find yours.

Joing a few different sports clubs and you might find a sport you like. I joined the boxing one and it turned out I really like it (I do not like football that's for sure). The best thing is everyone goes to the pub after so it's a great way to make a few new friends, there will be one or two people there you get on great with. I did try about maybe 10 sports before I settled on boxing, I even tried yoga and spinning, which both were not for me too.

I highly recommend reading, "Nonviolent Communication." Don't let the title throw you off.

I sense the things you're doing (and wanting to do) are not aligned with any important needs. This lack of alignment (or awareness) can create confusion—and it's very common.

These are phases where we get the opportunity to go within and uncover parts of yourself worth exploring. This book can help you be more compassionate with yourself (and others) and help to see your needs.

Not thinking about waifus and watching children's cartoons for a start.

I'd suggest taking up a hobby or at the very least a DIY project that involves outdoors and try to meet people.

Taking about money either serves to distance or brag (going on social norms from across the pond at least) so I'd say it's better to say you consider yourself your comfortable to well off unless you enjoy people trying to get a piece of it or others thinking your some sort of show off...

In all likelihood, you have 70+% of your healthy adult life ahead of you, meaning only a minority amount has passed.

You’ve got skills in a field that pays extraordinarily well (and that I inherently enjoy) and a savings balance that’s around 4x the median household wealth.

You have way more tailwind than headwind I think and your challenge is to go find the fun and enjoyment you’re currently lacking, but moping about how much sand is out of the hourglass isn’t helpful. Best of luck!

Not sure what the answer is, but I feel sort of the same.

Having a child and partner helps. It gives me something to hold on to. Though that obviously doesn’t help you right now.

But the excitement about a lot of other stuff is just gone. I’m fairly certain it comes from just having seen most things before, and it appears 30+ is the magic age at which you start to feel this.

I’m settled in a career, and have no particular desire to switch now (partially golden handcuffs effect).

Maybe early retirement / FIRE would help a bit here.

I am about to hit 30 soon and I came up with the idea of Retire 35 to start planning for the inevitable.

If you haven't figured out what to do, early retirement can at least give you more time to think about it without the stress / burnout / worrying about work or finances.

Shameless plug: https://retire35.com/

What was the HN scrolling topic yesterday?

Create something new, then tell people about it?

At the very least you’ll have a life-long anecdote or, at most, someone will write a Wikipedia bio for you by which you’ll attract job offers, invitations to write book chapters or to parties enthralling potential mates.

If everyone improved the world this way, no matter how small the refinement, the world ends up better, and as a side-effect we get closer to understanding everything.

First and foremost, the constant feeling that time is running out is just the effect of a big marketing machine built to make you vulnerable to their suggestions. Life isn't a race, and certainly not a race for money and things.

At 35 you are not even close to old, and even when you do become 'old' there will still be plenty of time for new things, excitement and fulfillment. It will just look different than when you were 20, and that's a good thing. Most 20 year olds are shallow and certainly not 'fulfilled' in any meaningful way. That's why they spend so much time escaping to festivals, bars and clubs.

Feeling stuck, behind or in the doldrums is normal from time to time. It's a sign that you need a change. If you're single and with half a mil in the bank at 35, you're one of the very very lucky few. You aren't living paycheck-to-paycheck and no-one's dependent so you absolutely have the luxury of time, lots of it!

You can afford to change things up, make some mistakes, and figure it out. Start with a focus on your health: both body and mind. Then you'll naturally get a better perspective on the other aspects of your life, and how to change them for the better.

My life as I currently know it didn't even start until everything I had built fell apart around 40. Since then I've had 2 kids and third on the way, a couple of exciting career changes, built things with my hands, learned entirely new skills, navigated disasters. Just one example - I learned to ski at 40, and over the next few years trying to keep up with my wife I managed to learn enough to be able to do some of the most challenging and beautiful runs in the Rockies.

To be honest I feel younger (at-heart) than when I was 30 and playing by the rules, living for the weekends. There are so many ways you can find fulfillment in life beyond socializing in entertainment venues.

I'm nearing the 50 mark and expect the next decade to be just as full as the last. I probably won't be skiing many double-black diamonds, but you bet I'll be following my kids to the top of the mountain even if it's to wave at them and take the easier way down. I can't even imagine the adventures that face us.

I'm sure you have no idea what's ahead for you, either. Just don't let it be another night on the couch in front of a screen. Look forward.

Yup. All of this except not professionally successful.

The economy is mostly based on people trying to fill a void. I was able to fill that w a person’s “love” but they left me for a younger, higher-earner who is probably better in bed too. I guess you better just accept it, try and be healthy, talk about it with friends and maybe something will come along that really does make you happy if you “get out there” whatever that means

Sorry to hear this OP. Yes I have these feelings too occasionally. Not sure if this will work for you but one thing that gives me perspective when I'm feeling sorry for myself is to read posts on the subreddit /r/cancer. I immediately count my blessings and realize how courageous/kind people can be. Also it is a reminder that yes, life is finite so you might as well make the most of it.

At 35 having stashed $500k in savings. When do we swap?!

You could try yoga. Take some classes, do it everyday. It makes the body fit and the mind healthy. It also teaches acceptance and non -attachment (to achievements, etc), living in the moment and just breathing.

When you feel good about life and yourself, you can attract people and turn your life positively more easily.

It's all a bit abstract and different from the rationality we're used to in tech, but maybe worth a try?

You would think its an existential, psychological issue that you're getting old and feeling lost, but it seems to me that you're just entering Male Menopause / Andropause. Go to a Male Health Clinic, or a doctor who specializes with Testosterone Replacement Therapy, and check your Testosterone levels, not just Total but Free T too, plus SHBG, plus Prolactin and Estrogen. Trust me.

Write down what are your expectations at 35. Maybe they are outdated and you have been imposing them to yourself unconsciously, making yourself feel bad because of it.

Re-asset them to match your current situation and find your new priorities. If you are lacking passion, it's time for a new challenge outside of your comfort zone. If that doesn't work, you can always go back to what you are used to.

For most of my life, I've volunteered at one organization or another. It's been a great way to meet people and find some purpose. It doesn't even have to be some epic world-changing nonprofit. Even a one-shot like a fundraiser walk can be good. Or take classes (cultural center, library, community colleges, Meetup, etc.), even if you're not super interested in the topic.

Do a lot of cardio exercise, every day; at least 30 minutes. Do it for a month (every day!) and then see how you feel. Often I believe our underlying physiology is the real driver of sentiments which we attribute to conceptual things. Being intelligent, it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that you can think your way out of anything. Sometimes thinking isn't the answer at all.

Just my 2c.

Many people use GPS, but if you are more comfortable using paper maps, you can do that too. You don't have to carry the full map (fold it, unfold it...), you can just photocopy or even cut out the section of the map relevant to where you're traveling. Of course, you can always just stop and ask a local, and they'll give you directions. People are generally very helpful.

Time is always running out. Even when you were 20, there wasn’t enough time to do everything. Even a 100 lifetimes isn’t enough to do everything. But the universe of things doable in seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades is still a lot, and if you can pay / persuade others to join your goal, certainly larger than what most 20 year olds can accomplish.

Sorry you are going through this, but at some point most people have that realization. It's a great opportunity to change your life for the better.

If you want to re-discover wonder, spend time with children. I'm 50, I have 5 kids, and honestly, their sense of wonder is infectious and helping them discover the world and discover what they love in life has been the best part of my life.

One thing that’s better than being young is being a parent. Caring for your child as they grow takes the sting off of getting older yourself.

35? You are still wet behind the ears! I’m almost 59 and I code all the time (Ruby on Rails, mostly). Age truly is just a number. If you feel confused about all the languages and frameworks, you are right to feel that way. It’s confusing as hell. Everyone feels that way. You just have to find your niche and become an expert in it. Let us know how you’re doing when you’re 60!

u are middle aged, biological imperative dictates you are suppose be raising children. seems you are financially positioned for a family, find out if that's something you'll like or not. imagine what kind of life you want to have at 50.

in general its "never too late for anything", but realistically, having a kid takes a lot of effort both mentally and physically.

> I increasingly wish I could go back to my 20s. Now I feel too old to go to festivals, bars and clubs and make new friends that way.

This is all in your head. When was the last time you were somewhere, saw someone and thought "ugh, oh my god look at that old loser"? Probably never if you're a good person. Most people are good. So go out and enjoy your life!

> Now I feel too old to go to festivals, bars and clubs and make new friends that way.

37 here and I don't understand how you could feel this way. At least where I am the bar/festival/music scene is alive and vibrant and full of other thirty-somethings. Hell my whole party crew is getting older, we're all a bunch of cranky bastards now and I love it

For me, I developed strong feelings for my brother, mom, and sister and pursuing a relationship with each one of them has given me purpose. I was the same as you, but I realized I craved human interaction above all. It's really hard to just exist as a single person with acquaintances unless you're one of the rare people that are wired that way.

It sounds like a rut! From the looks of it most people have touched on a lot of possible solutions. I might suggest doing something crazy and uncomfortable. Move to a foreign country, go into a new field of work, etc…

I am in a similar headspace but at 31, but the truth is that life is just beginning in the 30s. You have experience AND money, which can open so many doors.

short answer: it will pass

longer answer: been there, seen that. carry on, find yourself a hobby and a couple of friends who share it (might require some effort, but it’s worth it). kids are also very rewarding (probably not for everyone, but surely for me), albeit very demanding too. anyway, it will pass, just dont try to drink or drug it out - that will only make things worse

good luck

I am curious where you have worked, mostly in the private sector? Maybe try getting a job in academia or a non-profit. The pay will likely be lower (though maybe not as much lower as you think, in academia at least), but the benefits will likely be better (esp. time off). Most of all, you could have work that contributes to a mission you care about.

Reality is very tied to notion of success and regular supply of it (aka you need a few wins to feel better right now). That said with age the intensity of success vanishes, you care less about winning I assume and more about global balance of improvements, it's another kind of happiness (probably tuned to biological need to make a family)

Ended up buying a house and having kids, seems like everyone else my age is doing the same. Don’t have time to feel lost.

Well, the key is to find something new, exciting but not easy to achieve. For me it's PPL (private pilot license). This is very technical (a lot of IT folks love it) and has a steep learning curve. After starting doing this you'll feel much better again, because you'll have an exciting goal to achieve.

Adult life is demarcated by transitions just as childhood. Although a bit dated, you might find this useful: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/205587.The_Seasons_of_a_...

Don't do anything anyone else is saying. Stop living the script. Go build a school and teach idjits something.

UK, Late 30s, savings $141k(USD) (House equity & Pension roughly 2:1) Feel very much the same. Mostly v.tired.

I'm 25 and I feel exactly the same way. (https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=30230127). Not sure if I can call myself burned out, but Im thinking about quitting my job to study again...

Best of luck to you, good sir.

So...in some ways, you've "arrived" while at the same time recognize your time left to travel is shorter and, probably worse, you are realizing you aren't sure where to go or if traveling itself is even worthwhile.

You mention a relationship but, while a traveling companion might be a good idea and a blessing, it's unlikely to alleviate the things you are experiencing. I'm 41, been married for almost 20 years to a good woman who is a blessing to me, and it's not a cure to the things you are feeling and thinking.

But, thankfully, I learned a long time ago that none of these things would every truly satisfy. It's not kept me from feeling and thinking similar things, putts just help put them in perspective.

I'd encourage you to read the biblical book Ecclesiastes[1] to help verify and understand your current experience. If you are then interested, move to the gospel of Luke, gospel of John, and Romans to help understand what is truly important in life.

1. https://www.esv.org/Ecclesiastes+1/

Man...I wish I had $500k in savings.

Kinda amusing to see someone complaining about not having achieved anything despite this.

We have a lot in common me and you! I am 37 now! the difference is I have married few years ago and a year and a half ago I had a daughter. The last part changed my life completely made me see life in a different way and appreciate life differently. It's totally fine sometimes to feel this feeling you just felt, I personally think it is a calling to do something different! you have a good amount of saving which I personally don't have! maybe try something totally different than your old jobs? open your own small bakery? does not have to be super profitable just something that can get you going? the small things in life are overlooked most of the time but interacting with others, seeing them, being part of their daily lives is super awesome! my advice to you is to explore different things with a new mindset. You are not old man! in my own personal opinion no one who is highly functional on the cognitive level is old! plus once you are REALLY that old then it's new experience all over again :) Best of luck to you.

Find a sport or sports that you enjoy. Focus on getting good at them with a coach and PT. Would recommend tennis and/or badminton. Join a local club.

That’s health and socialising covered. Which is most of happiness.

Oh and deal with any underlying trauma with a talking therapy and some kind of somatic therapy.

Have you tried strength training? It gives you something that you can progressively get better at over a long period of time (decades). It also gives you mental preparedness for what will inevitably come, that is, getting old and dying. I find that it helps a lot emotionally.

Good that you are reflecting and asking this question now. If you waited until 50 to do this, you might have a much darker view of life.

Explore a bit, ideally without concern for what might make money. Try to find one or more real passions, even if they are only short term. Then pursue them.

Despite some advice here, I beg you - don’t get married and don’t get children out of boredom or to fix yourself.

Firstly, this will not fix you. I’ve been there.

Secondly, it will make another human being suffer and bear a part if your sh..t.

It is only your own responsibility to find your own meaning and your own happiness.

Whenever I find myself feeling like you do right now, I watch this video from Bill Hicks: "It's just a ride" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KgzQuE1pR1w

> traveled and lived in different countries, had 2 failed startups, and have about $500k in savings

You've had a rich life experience, and you have a very strong personal financial situation. Congratuations. Everyone has ups and downs, you'll find your next goals soon

Go spend some of that 500k on yourself. Go traveling for a year. Visit as many places as you can.

I am in similar position, but 45, negative net worth and alimony. I had two problems: environment (it should motivate better), and health (not 20 anymore, but still have shitty habits).

If you have $500, I would suggest to take 6 months sabbatical and just unplug from tech.

Feeling old is basically a marketing problem. We all been sold either in movies, ads, perceptions that being old means you are down a level from ppl in their 20s, slow, wrinkly, look like “crap”. Just got to say screw the marketing, I’m making my own.

Your situation matches:

https://www.margithenderson.com/the-paradox-of-aging-the-hap...

Which matches my experience, so far, a couple decades after you.

Help people who are doing far worse than you.

This is one potential way to improve your depression.

Make sure you exercise a lot and take your vitamins.

Pick up a hobby that will force you to meet lots of people. When I did photography, I met so many interesting people, including my future wife.

Reading through these comments and reflecting a bit myself.

OP if you think deeply I think you will find the answer and maybe already know it already. Perhaps there is something in your heart of hearts that you want to do but are afraid to take the leap?

- Have friends around you

- Have freedom

- Do meaningful work

- Spend $ on experiences, not things

- Help others with what you’re good at

- Lower your expectations

- Exercise + eat healthily

- Reflect on thoughts

38 here, and I relate to your feeling that time is short. Mid-30s definitely seem to be an inflection point between youth and middle age. Youth is for new experiences and broadening horizons; middle age is for stability and family.

Find a hobby. Something that is not work related and take it seriously. I don’t know - start cooking, invest into obscure LP’s, vintage fashion, start collecting stamps, racing cars. PS! Going to gym and travelling is not a hobby.

Build a stronger "why." If you get the "why" right, everything else gets a lot easier. You're an emotional creature, work directly on the emotion. The founder of KFC started the business at the age of 62.

I see a lot of comments mention getting family will solve some problems. I agree. It is like distractions, to keep you busy and away from those unhealthy thoughts.

Maybe I will have to accept that I will never find the answer for all of this.

Wow, the ageism is strong in this one. Get over it, really. You’ll need to because you are just starting on this journey.

It’s not your age. It’s you. Taking responsibility and not letting age be an excuse is the first step.

If you think you're old at 35 you may have other issues going on. I'm in my 40s. Eat right, exercise, study, and with just a little gene luck you'll be young for decades to come.

LOL. Getting old is 35.

ONLY $500K in savings at 35. Such a sad story. So sorry for you, as most people are lucky to have saved $50K at 35 or even 55! Money has no meaning if you are feeling lost with $500K.

Seriously though, my advice would be stop comparing yourself to others. Older or younger, married or single, successful or not, fit or fat. Know thyself. Go on a meditation retreat. You have nothing to lose and no limitations.

As others have wisely stated, health is paramount. Challenge yourself with a physical activity you’ve never done before. You’ll meet new people on the way.

Rethink work. List causes you truly believe in, then find an organization which aligns with one and apply for a job in your specialty to expand their reach. Work with purpose even if it’s only a year. Consider is a sabbatical if you need to frame it in a non committal way.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Man's_Search_for_Meaning

>> I feel like I haven't achieved much

What type of achievement would be meaningful to you, in the sense that you could stop, if you wanted, after the achievement and move on to something else?

> Have you been through a similar thing?

More than once, as I guess is true of most people over 40

> How did you deal with it?

Figure out what is important to me and find ways to spend more time doing that. Neither was easy.

Focus on your health of course, find some hobbies u can get immersed in (away from the computer), spend time thinking about your spiritual well-being. Spend more time outside.

Have kids. Find someone who wants to and start a family together.

I think try sticking to something for more then 1-2 years… no wonder you feel lost… can’t really accomplish much in so little time. Spend the next decade on one thing

Get married. That will ensure an endless stream of adrenaline

Find at least one hobby that can give you a decade of challenge - whether that challenge is mental, physical, or both - and completely unrelated to you day job.

Mid 50s here. It's not what you've done, it's what you've done with it. Keep your chin up and remember you're in it for the long haul.

> I am single and haven't had a serious relationship for many years now.

Get married, start a family. Stop trying to find meaning in tech or alcohol or money. Good luck.

Riding out the wave from the last tech boom, one day I'll look at my savings + day to day work and decide it's time to retire and that will be that.

Always keep a diamond in your mind. Always keep a diamond in your mind. Wherever you may wander, wherever you roam, You got to always keep a diamond in your mind.

-- Tom Waits

You reflect on what’s really important and use all those problem solving skills to focus on that instead.

I’m a big believer that loneliness is there to motivate us to change.

I’m 30, in sort of a similar position.

How terrible of an idea is grad school? Honestly any… but recommendations would be cool. MBA, law, cs, psychology/sociology…

Stay alive and keep pushing. You have 500k, come on. :)

Donating and contributing to various causes that will hopefully make the world a better place for everyone is what adds a lot of meaning to my life

35 is still quite young. Travel is harder now than it used to be but if you’re in the US, a long road trip around the country can do wonders.

35? Old?

I'm 59. I guess that makes me a fossil (geekasaur?).

I really didn't start feeling my technical oats, until I hit 45, or so. I've been an above-average geek, since I was about 21, but I lacked the experience, and the basic habits, that have made me into a much better developer. I started a system (backend tech), at 47, that has become the de facto world standard for a particular demographic, and is now being supported and extended by a highly-skilled and energetic team of younger developers. They probably could not have done the work to get the platform in place, but they have taken my work, and are running with it. They are taking it places that I couldn't go, on my own.

I worked on that system for a decade. Most of that time, it was in production, and I was applying course corrections to it, documenting it, evangelizing it, training people, and being abused.

sniff ... They grow up so fast ...

These days, I'm writing Apple apps (mostly iOS), and loving it. I really enjoy all the learning I'm doing, and finding out that I don't know squat.

I don't bother trying to surf the Jargon Wave. There's some cool stuff, coming out, but I've learned (the hard way) to give it a couple of years (at least) to shake off the fleas. It's very difficult to ship stuff, at the Quality level I prefer, using brand-new tools.

What really gets me excited, is shipping software. That's giving it a pat on the butt, and pushing it out into the world.

That involves a lot of "boring" work. On the project that I'm currently shepherding, We're in the final stages. The release is probably still a couple of months away (at least), but we can see the exit sign, from here. It's been a couple of years.

The work, from here on out, is pretty bland. Lots of work, setting up glossaries, production servers, localizations, accessibility tests, color themes, brand consistency, etc.

And, of course, lots of testing; with the very real possibility of having to put the car up on blocks, and break out the monkey wrench.

It's been my experience that my younger self was less-than-enthused by this part of the project, but I was fortunate to have older peers and bosses, that forced me to walk through this stuff.

It feels great to ship. As I've gotten older, I've come to enjoy this, a lot more.

I wish you luck. I know that one thing that helped me, was to find nonprofits and volunteer Service orgs, and lend my skills to them.

Not sure if this is some weird flex but having 500k in savings i puts you far ahead than where most people are. Maybe relax a bit.

I have learned the hard way it is only appropriate to describe yourself as old in the company of exclusively younger people.

35 was the start of a great run which is continuing for me. That was the point where long-held islands of understanding about the world began making connections. A whole growing in power as it formed from the evolving mesh. I felt as though this time marked an explosion in curiosity which further propelled this lifelong investigation.

Around this time, I also experienced a number of existential questions. There were financial problems. There was a break of a relationship which had already gone cold and another which I had started at the tail end of the first which was built on lies. I felt alone and vulnerable, as if I had been abandoned. I felt as if I were floating in a void.

I realized that I had left behind rigid structures which defined my identity. It's not that I walked away from them, so much as they crumbled and I was left with emptiness. I had a choice of clinging on to the ruins, or further exploring this odd new space I found myself in. I decided that I would embrace the void. I found that without the old structures, I could instead create and and discard new ones. The creations would be like the fantasy worlds I created from my imagination as a child. I entered into a phase of play. I was Don Quixote fighting windmills.

Embracing this void is sort of also embracing the art of being lost. I imagine that my identity could be anything and that I should jump from one to another as a continuation of wandering. Lately I have had an interest in doing performance as a street performing clown as an exploration of different paths of comedy. The clown suits me as taking on a character to remind myself and others not to take things too seriously. But there's also a seriousness to the place of comedy in our world. That's another critical point, that even though I have changed my relationship with structures which once carried great meaning, those structures are still important as a bridge for younger people to get to where I'm at. We need these structures, we need Santa or something like it when we're children. Also realize that part of the reason you feel lost may be that society necessarily treats younger people differently. At some point, like in Judge Dredd, you get exiled from this special place. But you'll find the life in exile is much richer in experience. I wouldn't go back.

One piece of advice that I always give, is to look into taking improv classes. The most basic idea of improv is the "yes, and" approach of interacting with others, which you can apply to everything. Whatever the universe throws at me, I'll respond back with a "yes... and" - and we'll all laugh at the result.

This is a special moment. Congrats. And welcome to the other side.

> How do you deal with getting old

I don't know...

> I am turning 35 years soon

...kiddo, but I do know one thing: You're jumping the gun by decades here.

I know it's not the point of your post but you should be very very happy to have saved up $500k. Way ahead, my friend!

Maybe you should start working to live instead of living to work. Start a family or reconnect with your existing family.

I totally felt the same. But, picking up some math books and start learning again gave me something to look forward to.

Right here with you OP. I dont have cash quite like that yet, but this experience is all too real for me right now.

Do you have space/opportunity to garden, even if it's just something on a window sill, or pot plants?

Ernie Zelinski's "Joy of Not Working" book was useful and eye-opening for me at about that age.

you're not wrong that time is running out, i'm 35 too

It's your choice to think about your age, personally I just do whatever I want

35 is not too old to go to bars, there are tons of bars and clubs that specifically cater to people in their 30s

but really in my opinion you are good to go out as long as your health permits you to

Maybe try journaling to help put things in perspective. You have to find what works for you. Good luck!

You're not old, you're young, and by any reasonable measure fabulously wealthy. Kudos! If you spend the rest of your life telling yourself "I should have done this 10 years ago" as an excuse not to do it now then yes, you will never live your life. But you have infinite opportunities and nothing is stopping you pursuing them except you.

Having ascended Maslow's hierarchy to a certain level, you now have the luxury of ennui.

Find a partner and start a family.

Lmao this is one of the most out of touch posts I’ve ever seen. This has to be a troll.

I feel the same. Will be looking at this thread to look at suggestions at a later date.

hmm.. Indeed as homo sapiens, we no longer have to forage on the Savannah and are far safer than our ancestors within in our nations, states, cities with our PS5s, 401Ks, I sometimes do wonder.. WTF is the point of my existence

oh you are spot on with your feelings. And you can do nothing about it. You will figure out however something that will work for you and move on with life. I could've told this and that. But I just want to be honest.

Man go check your t levels. Had similar symptoms, Innosupps t-drive made wonders

Mate, don't worry this is normal. I turned 39 last month, I have one failed marriage behind me (no kids), I don't have 500k USD in savings (so I think this is great for you), but I know what you are talking about.

Let me help you with one simple solution - testosterone. I was in mma most of my adult life, with some fights, sparings etc... I didn't use any susptances and supplements that are illegal. Now I am doing som mountain bike races (mostly XC marathones).

Speaking with lot of doctors that I know, the problem is that over 30, sometimes over 35, male is starting to lose testosterone. And testosterone is an essence for mail - physically and psychologically. Like women that over 45 starts to take estrogen, we should also start using testosterone.

So, try to see with your doctor, to start using just enough to keep your testosterone like you are in your 30-ties.

From my experience, it helps a lot, and soon when I will be over 40, it will really help.

Other than that, sport is always good for clearing your head, and hobbies.

And if you feel old, always look at Joe Biden, he is POTUS now. :)

Reality is time is running out. Try to push yourself to do more impactful work.

Nothing has any meaaning so nothing really matters, embrace the absurd.

You are never lost if you've found yourself. Rejoice.

Look up mindfullness. Learn to enjoy the present moment

Start with Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankyl

Isn't this something called as mid life crisis?

midlife crisis I guess, I am in mid 40s and I often think on similar lines. Does anyone have some hack or solution to deal with it?

Psychedelics and Traveling.

How did your startups fail?

Never thought I’d think people would consider themselves a failure despite having $500k savings lol.

Give away all that money.

isn't this something called as mid life crisis?

35 isnt old homie.

find something or someone to love

Welcome to your first existential life crisis! Mid-life (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Midlife_crisis), quarter-life (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quarter-life_crisis), it's the same concept.

You are staring down the barrel of mortality. Your life is slowly ending, time does pass without your control, you will gradually stop being able to do the things you once did. Things that used to excite you don't as much, you haven't accomplished as much as you'd hope, you don't feel satisfied. You want to go back to the past, to feel those old feelings again, to have another chance to "get things right".

Good news! This is all normal, and you can deal with it.

First, accept reality. There is no "winning" at life. Whatever goals you thought you had, whatever accomplishments make up your self-identity, don't really matter. You are going to die. You are going to miss out on relationships, career opportunities, money. You are going to feel dissatisfied and like you've missed out on things (because you have!). But that is all OK.

As long as you provide for the 7 basic needs (air, water, sleep, safety, food, clothing, shelter), you have everything you need to be a successful human. So, whenever you feel like you're not living up to your potential, or promises, or something else, just review the 7 basic needs. Are those met? Then you're OK. Everything else is gravy.

Next, take stock of your life. What do you have? Money in the bank? A successful career? An expansive education? Shit, man, you've got the golden ticket. You can do pretty much anything you want in life. All you have to do is decide what you want. That's a pretty nice problem to have.

As you decide what to do, ask yourself why you want to do it. Sure, you could chase your youth. But why? If all that excites and interests you is the things you did in your 20s, then it makes sense. But you could also find new things and expand your life; find new music, new activities, new people. You could branch out and expand the scope of your life, enriching it with new things, or maybe just improving on existing things. But, if not, that's fine too!

When you know what you want to do, make a plan for the future. Account for the fact that how you do things now will be different than how you did them in the past. We constantly change, whether we want to or not. Grow into the change. Like new skin grows around you, let your plan and action fit into your life changes and vice versa.

Above all, do not measure yourself based on the past. The past is the past! You are a new man in every moment. Measure your current self against your plan for the future. Adapt the plan as you go. "No battle plan survives first contact with the enemy;" your life plans will also not work out exactly as planned. Adapt, regroup, continue.

> I increasingly wish I could go back to my 20s. Now I feel too old to go to festivals, bars and clubs and make new friends that way.

I'm 40, and I guarantee you are not too old for things. If you used to meet new people in bars, you still can. No, you shouldn't go to bars that are predominately people in their early 20s. Find bars (and other venues) that tend to attract a crowd closer to your age. As much as I dislike meetup.com, resources like that can help you find people who like to do the things you like to do, and can introduce you to new things if you're willing to take a leap.

I will admit that the pool of people is probably smaller. People pair off and start families as they get older. Even if they only pair off, couples probably "go out" less often than single people. But also consider that people are getting married later and starting families later these days. So there are still likely plenty of people out and about who share your values and likes.

> I feel like I've seen most things before, and it's all just different iterations of the same.

To some extent that's true, probably. But maybe that means you need some new hobbies. I assume by your "excited about new technologies" line that you're a software developer or similar. I, too, play around with tech as a hobby in addition to my job, but make sure you're branching out and doing other things that have nothing to do with tech.

> I am single and haven't had a serious relationship for many years now.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself, or attach too many expectations to this, as that will have the opposite effect. If you're having trouble meeting people, try dating apps. They're far from perfect, but they help you get out there, and help you meet new people without having the stress of (for example) making a cold approach in a bar or something. Even if you don't find a long-term relationship on the apps, you may find it builds your confidence and helps you get back into the groove of meeting people.

> When I was ~30 I still considered myself young and able to do anything I could do when I was in my 20s. But not anymore now. I feel like my time for everything is running out. Have you been through a similar thing? How did you deal with it?

When I turned 30, I remember the 6 months or so leading up to it were a little stressful for me. The idea of leaving my 20s made me feel like I was "getting old", and I started cataloging what I'd done, and worried that it wasn't enough. But then I turned 30, and realized nothing special happened during that transition. I was still the same person, and I could still do what I wanted to do. Turning 40 last summer was similar. Sure, I'm realizing some things have changed: my body is aging, and I get injured (and take longer to heal) than I used to. I can't drink like I used to without consequences the next day. But I'm still me. I can still hang out with my friends, even those who have kids now. I can still invite people over for dinner. I can still go to bars with friends to catch up over beer or cocktails. I can still go out to restaurants. I can still go out to my favorite karaoke bar and have a wild night, as long as I don't do it too often (well, ok, haven't done that since the lull before COVID delta, and between delta and omicron).

You're turning 35, and even if you die somewhat on the young side, you're only a little more than a quarter of the way through your adult life. You have plenty of time to learn new things, develop new hobbies, further your career, meet new people, find a significant other, etc. While you need to try not to put crushing pressure on yourself to achieve these things, you also need to just get out and keep doing stuff that gives you the opportunity to accomplish these things.

You're still a decade or more away from your career peak, and your physical potential is not far past its peak and declining pretty slowly for now. Feeling "old" at your age is more a matter of experience than biological fact. There are a lot of things that just aren't as exciting now because they relied heavily on novelty or just on the wonder that you could do them at all.

It's true that you've changed in a way that ruins some of the fun you used to have. None of it is new to you. You can't get hyped up for it the same way, because the sense of infinite possibility isn't there any more. Being able to do exactly what you want is no longer new and thrilling, either. And you're no longer as thrilled by inclusion and universality, reveling in those generic activities that "everybody" likes. You might not realize it yet, but you've started to choose experiences for your own sake rather than because everybody else does them.

You're hung up on this being a bad thing, but it's not really bad. I remember how excited I was as a college freshman to hike through the snow for twenty minutes to go to a house party, get wasted on beer that tasted terrible to me, and try to talk to girls that I had nothing in common with. I felt like the world was opening up to me. A year or two later, I still did it, but it wasn't an ecstatic experience anymore, because by then I knew that there was beer that actually tasted good and that the girls I really wanted to talk to were not at those parties. I could no longer feel that sense of infinite possibility. Today, I still understand why I was excited then, but I wouldn't be excited to do it now, even if I could magically pilot my younger body for a while, like Tom Hanks in Big. I remember it as a high point in my life, but what made it a high point was how excited and optimistic I felt, which only made sense in the context of my inexperience and my wonder at flexing a developing sense of autonomy.

Think of inexperience and the transition into adulthood as ingredients that made those young adult experiences delicious but which are no longer available to cook with. Doing the same things you used to enjoy in your twenties, without the inexperience and the excitement of discovering your adult autonomy, is like eating french fries without salt, or salad without dressing, a joyless chore. Don't try to force it.

Would you order curry at a restaurant that only had tomatoes, basil, oregano, and olive oil in the kitchen? If you went to a bakery for chocolate-chip cookies, and they said sorry, we're all out of chocolate and sugar, would you insist on them baking a batch for you with what they had? Don't get hung up on the stuff you used to enjoy.

You have new ingredients to work with, ingredients that are particular to you and your experience. They aren't so universal that "everybody" your age will enjoy the same things, but not so unique that you'll be alone. You need to start to figure out the flavor profile for this time in your life. If you don't know where to start, start anywhere. Look around, try whatever looks good, and if nothing looks good yet, try things at random while you're looking. It won't all taste good. That's life.

Turning 30 was a lot harder than turning 40 or 50. While what I experienced wasn't how I understand a typical midlife crisis manifests, but I usually refer to it as my early onset midlife crisis.

Both turning 40 and turning 50 was much easier. In fact, turning 50 hardly registered beyond "whoa, was that my 40s done with already? Okay".

I got out of my 30 year crisis by starting to challenge myself in other fields. I've always been eager to learn, but around 30 I realized that I should make an effort to understand things that are outside my chosen field and try to do them well. And I sometimes did. The failures I didn't obsess over. Let it go, move on. And it became somewhat addictive. I try new things every year. Some things stick, others are just interesting experiences.

I also noticed the importance of changing fields regularly. On average I tend to stay in a field for 5-6 years before going off to do something I usually don't know much about when I start. In fact, approaching a new field is in itself a skill that has great value.

I've had roles from developer in a startup to VP in a large company. Having experience from many fields, and from very different roles builds a kind of general, broad expertise that is very useful. It can also make you comfortable with situations that most people would find extremely challenging.

You have to build some form of psychological resilience. Learn to accept the things you can't do anything about, and focus on what you CAN do and what you have to do. Complain if you must, but make sure that it isn't your inner focus. Don't let feelings of hopelessness take root. You have the capacity for doing a lot more than you think, but hopelessness and self-pity can block your view of that.

Along the way I had kidney failure, 2 years of dialysis and eventually a kidney transplant in my early to mid 40s. This is where the psychological resilience I had developed since my 30s paid off. Sure, I was physically in such bad shape and one point I couldn't walk half a mile to the store without having to sit down and rest for 15 minutes twice along the way. I slept 14 hours per day and I nearly died a couple of times.

Years later, most of my memories from that period are about the things I did. Not my medical hardships. And I did accomplish a lot in those years.

(Observation: a lot of people who were just acquaintances stopped by and spent time with me when it looked like there was a good chance I was going to die. This taught me something important: you may not fully understand to whom you are important and how many people appreciate you. You have the chance to show them appreciation. No kidney failure needed :-)).

As for the social aspects, having been with my wife for 27 years now I know nothing about dating. Not that I ever did. Sorry. Can't help you there.

I'm dubious about the advice to get kids. It feels a bit immoral and self-serving to tell someone to create a life just to solve some problem you are having. I think one should treat human life with a bit more respect than that. It's not a pet and you should have kids for the right reasons.

If you try out new things (work, hobbies, interests) those are generally how you meet new people when you are an adult.

You need a Miata

make kids

TL;DR: I don't have a solution, I'm still searching for one on my own. The story may resonate, and others that 'made it', please feel free to provide your thoughts...

I'm turning 37 this year, and had this feeling for the past 2 years, which was only amplified in the past few months. So, really, your post (and all the comments) came in really timely (when the student is ready... ). If for nothing else, then to see that I'm not alone.

Unlike you, I am married (IMHO, happily) and have two kids under the age of ten. But, contrary to most of the posts, I can't say that it instilled peace in me. If anything, it made me realize that I need to make even more money to secure their good education and set them up well on that path (don't plan to finance their life past the education part, as I think one should earn for his own luxuries, as it's the only way they could appreciate and learn the value of 'things', and the value of paying for your own stuff).

In my case, in my 20s I was in a way better shape than now. Even though I tried to get back in the game at the start of 30s and ran half marathons (10 of them in 2019) and did supersprint triathlons, I stopped dead cold in 2020 due to a not very serious injury. I'm still exercising, but my main problem for not 'being' fit as fuck is the love-hate relationship with food (and sweets in particular). It's like I'm self-sabotaging in a way. I know, weird

My problem, I think, was always setting some goal (probably not all were BHAGs, but certainly they weren't totally easy), and then working like crazy to achieve it. Most of them, if not all, I achieved. The problem? Once I attain them, I lose all interest. I think that the money part is tricky because on one hand I'm working (hi, my name is X, and I'm a workaholic) a lot to secure the $$ for my kids, and then in turn I don't spend as much time with them as I think they'd need (mind you, I grew up with financially supportive dad, but one that worked abroad and whom I saw only over the weekend - heh, Freud could probably say a thing or two on that..). Crazy twisted logic, I know. Maybe I'm just a workaholic who uses the kids part as an excuse. Maybe I too could make use of professional help (even though I can surely afford it, in my environment, that's frowned upon - maybe I need to get myself in a new environment).

Since my 30s I got into this whole 'self-help' book genre, and can't shake the feeling that most of the new ones are rehashing the ideas from before, but tailor them to the new generations. If you're into reading, Id' suggest re-reading the ones that spoke to you before. I'm a voracious reader, and I can wholeheartedly recommend The Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday.

I would love to tell you that I have a solution. I don't. BUT, I'm trying - and I suggest you do the same. If money is any measure, then I'd suspect you have the discipline to not give up. Remember, comments confirm, you're not alone in this. And, to use the popular crypto abbreviation these days: WAGMI.

Take care, and I would really like to hear from you 5 years from now.

Also, sorry not sorry, for hijacking your post to also share my 'problems' - truthfully, I overshared because based on the comments I think some folks may give me another perspective as well.

Take care

Civilization is a machine, and you are just a part in that machine that wears out after about 20-30 years, then you either go into management or some other role that isn't physically productive.

Capitalism loves consumption, and the young consume/can be sold to, so civilization is broadly structured around that.

Sort of like the "hot young girl" who loses her appeal rapidly after age 30, this gradual rug-pulling is unnerving. The ground rules shift under your feet. Things you thought were fact, actually were circumstances of the time and place.

All of a sudden, you start understanding your parents, older people, and life situations that were once abstract and far away, and now are more concrete. The progressive commercials are great little parodies of this.

At the same time, you have lived a few pop culture cycles. You start to see the treadmill for what it is rather than all these amazing experiences and things you didn't know about when you were young.

Observations:

1) 35 is not too late to get in good shape. Not the "I walk a couple miles" activity that puts you in the upper quartile of our population. I mean in ACTUAL good shape like being able to run a marathon and bench press your weight. If you do this, your "functional age" will be vastly suppressed throughout the next 25-40 years and the range of options available to you is a lot greater. Be careful though of overtraining in your 30s. Don't listen to dumb 20 year olds whose muscle and ligaments are at the height of their plasticity and durability.

2) you're probably a dude. You can start a family in the next 15 years, your situation is not as dire as a 35 year old woman. But you should get on it.

3) basically you're probably done with the gambling phase of your career. Sure you can keep chasing startups, but really you should have skills and just settle into more regular and predictable income.

4) 500k is a decent chunk, but it ain't retirement-grade. You should start concentrating on growing that rather than moonshooting for another million. I would disagree with "go traveling". That's expensive in cost, time, and missed income. Plus, you are ancient in terms of silicon valley, and getting old in IT in other markets. If you don't want to go into management, you'll need to maximize your sweet spot of your career in terms of reliable income.

Or... you don't? Maybe you need to chuck the entire career thing, put 400k into funds that you don't touch for 20 years and go live an entirely different life and lifestyle? Chuck all the financial shit I mentioned.

But get in good shape. Seriously, that makes SUCH a huge difference now that I'm in the late 40s-50s phase of my life. What is the fountain of youth? Exercise. Exercise often has built-in socializing as well, and makes you better looking, which has built-in social effects as well.

Badly according to the FBI profilers

I am 43 and share a lot of your struggles. I find that avoiding alcohol and drugs improves my outlook a lot, but it takes a while, same for getting physically fit. Then the trick is finding some fulfilling thing to do, finish a triathlon, write a book, travel, join local government, teach, make a game or side project. Some creative goal to work towards.

Good luck

I'm just going to comment in this aspect:

Now I feel too old to go to festivals, bars and clubs and make new friends that way.

Don't know where you live, but in NYC and certain other cities the the bars and clubs (depending which ones you go to) are packed with geezers. Really, it seems like like you've bought into some image of "youth" which holds that only under-30 types get to do "fun" things. But which just isn't ... grounded in reality.

If you genuinely enjoy music and the vibe at these places (again, depends which ones you go to) -- then there is absolutely no age limit, expressed or implied. And anything who thinks there is, is well... square beyond square.

Turning 40 this year.

So you sound a little depressed. Not dating may be a mistake. It may be that your unconscious mind is suggesting you start a family and plays down other activities.

To your last point; You don’t’feel’ that time is running out. Time is running out and you need to be highly aware of that fact.

Wishing you could go back in time and do things differently is everyone’s story

What does it say about society that you can make $500K and feel like you haven't achieved much? A lot of the "work" people do probably isn't very helpful to most people, except maybe some rich person who owns (a part of) the company.

I'll give you a proposal. For $30k, I'll share you real good ideas and optimistic project I've been thinking about for a while. With that amount, I'll be able to quit my job and you can become a partner in building the product. It'll give you a purpose for some time.

This is a total long shot, but what you’re describing sounds like gender dyphoria.

I’m not saying you have it. But, you should be on the lookout for fundamental ways that you’re not being true to yourself. You may be living your life to meet the expectations of others instead of optimizing for your own happiness.