I regret my marriage. What to do?

Sounds more like an r/relationship post than something for YC, friend.

I wish you the best of luck, truly.

I’m going through something very similar with my GF of 6 years, though not married and I’m 28. Super difficult because I care a lot about her but I know I can’t keep going any more for her sake and mine. And I want to live by myself again and discover more of who I am and what it’s like to date as an independent adult and not a drunk college student. I also just am not confident taking the next step… specifically with her, unfortunately. And, I might be open to the next step with someone else, I may just not know myself well enough.

Just working up the courage to talk out loud about this, let alone with her, was so difficult. But dude, it was worth. I told her everything. I’m already feeling better - a bit scared about the next chapter of my life but I feel better.

If you communicate how you feel well enough, your partner will understand. I don’t think many people want to be in a relationship with a partner that isn’t feeling it.

And you might be surprised where the conversation goes. Things might be said that change your mind in subtle ways.

Stop wasting time, gently tell her how you feel.

I'd recommend starting with an individual therapist, rather than seeking advice from randoms on the internet. Software dev can afford a few sessions, even if U. S. insurance doesn't pay for it (and it probably will). Depending on the advice from the counselor, couples counseling or maybe divorce, who knows? I certainly don't.

But an hour of face time with a professional is going to be loads more helpful than a few paragraphs here and there from strangers.

Depending on your local laws, she may be entitled to alimony (IANAL!).

Advice from an internet rando: you only get one life.

If you deeply regret the marriage and have for a long time (which is what it sounds like), end it.

Find a lawyer or mediator and work through the painful situation in as compassionate a manner as you can. Be prepared for some breakage in your family, friendships and life, but IMO you shouldn't stay in a situation that makes you miserable.

> Main problem is that she still depends on me financially. Am I a bad person if I keep pretending for a couple of years until she finishes her studies, gets a good job and then break up? (she is also a software dev, she is already working but earns a pretty low salary)

Those aren't the only two options. You could both agree to support her financially AND move on.

I would suggest you should be having these conversations with her, even if just to give her a heads up that you're feeling this way so when you decide to make a change it isn't completely out of the blue.

> One strategy I used was to tell her that I don't want to have kids, and I told her it was ok if she left me.

This isn't a "strategy." This is just not dealing with the problem and trying to push her into doing it for you.

You two need counseling, even if only as a nicer way to let her know you're one foot out the door already. If you want to support her after your married dissolves then try to do arbitration and offer that.

I know it is sort of cliché, but believe me when I tell you that therapy and counseling can completely change your life. If you are like me, you may think it might make a small difference, or may make things somewhat more tolerable, but I think this undersells the night and day difference it can make.

> Am I a bad person if I keep pretending for a couple of years until she finishes her studies, gets a good job and then break up?

I’m no relationship expert, but I’m sure she wouldn’t appreciate finding out her life the past X years has been a lie.

The sooner the better, as bad as it sounds.

What you haven't said is why you regret marriage, or why you prefer to be single. What's the problem?

I was in a dishonest marriage for about 6 months, to allow my partner to finish their studies. But, my partner was abusive and I'd withdrawn from the relationship to protect myself and nobody thought we had a perfect relationship. By the time I ended it, there was no surprise, because of how I'd withdrawn. Ultimately, I think I did the right thing by making it a gradual retreat.

We tried counseling. We each did individual counseling, and we did couples counseling together. All of our counselors, except their individual counselor, told us that their behavior was abusive. The relationship didn't improve, and my partner didn't want to put the work in. But I learned a lot about communication, and that has made relationships easier (also, I learned a ton of red flags that I had previously overlooked, and grew a spine to quickly reject/dump people who display those flags).

So, I don't think that it automatically makes you a bad person if you keep pretending. But it's an awful solution, and from where I stand, a couple of years is a really long time. You should really try counseling, at least individual counseling. Figure out what you actually need. It might just be more space, and she might be willing to give you that. Try couples counseling, and check the assumptions that are built into your relationship. It might just be that you need to tweak some stuff, and she'll probably want to play along.

> I am sure I want to break up and be single again - and very likely remain single forever, I can't understand how many men can marry twice.

I don't buy that, unless you're asexual and aromantic. People tend to find love, if they're looking for it or not. And, not just men re-marry. If my experience is at all typical, a second marriage works better than the first because the first was foolish.

> Main problem is that she still depends on me financially.

This sounds quite insensitive, and I wonder if you're considering the emotional aspect of this. I strongly recommend counseling. Many of us here are on the spectrum, and have difficulty processing the emotions of ourselves and others without deliberate study.

To quote Blindboy from his mental-health podcasts: I am better than no one, and no one is better than me.

Intrinsic worth, like how all newborns are endearing, wrinkled oddballs, seems a fine place to start.

It won’t be easy to do something I think others will judge negatively, and that’s okay; they’re free to feel their feelings.

The best time to make mistakes before today. I’m thankful for all the mistakes I’ve made and that I’m still alive to learn from them as awareness bubbles up.

The more longer you pretend, the more rights she has to your future income and alimony.

But What's the problem? You don't want kids, and she said she isn't sure.

The more longer you stay together and let her complete her studies, her biological clock ticks and women do have issues having kids later in life.

You just don't like being married? Not being together?

More for reddit, but, just curious in general.

I’d suggest telling her as you explained it here, hell, show her this post.

why do you regret having married? What is your long term goal in life?

A lot of what I'm reading here tells me that there is enough here to work with to salvage your marriage and relationship.

As someone who is incredibly introverted, I can related to valuing your alone time. My brain/spirit/whatever never feels like it truly recharges to 100% unless I have time away from people, being around them, having to make small talk, etc. I was married to someone on the opposite end who needed to socialize and was extremely emotionally needy.

I can barely describe the euphoria in first months/year following my separation, waking up and proceeding through my entire day completely unbothered whenever I wanted. But I can tell you that the wanting and longing for companionship doesn't magically go away. You presumably courted, wooed, and married this woman because you're in the 99% of men who want to feel that companionship in some capacity. I would highly suggest trying to communicate that and build a schedule with your partner that meets your needs as well as hers, and that could/should include days in the month when it's understood that you're completely free to do your own thing.

It's not healthy for anyone to be attached at the hip. Both you and her need portions of your life that your own, with the space to enjoy your separate hobbies and friends, with little expectation of texting 24/7. That will sweeten the moments you do spend together, and even "recharge" you with the capacity to feel the romance you used to.

EDIT: Speaking of romance I read another comment from you commenting on how the romance/lust has seemed to fade. The good news there too is that there is a lot you can do to shake things up. Look up Ashleigh Renard on Instagram, who talks about "how to keep monogamy hot." Google sex games, experiment with new toys and positions. Make time for short weekend vacations and new experiences.

The second positive thing I'm seeing from this is that she doesn't seem surefire on having kids. I would communicate with her honestly about that. On the flip side, as someone who never cared for family functions or children, when my own was born I felt a love for them that I have never experienced for anything on this Earth. I'll also add that having one or 2 kids is not THAT bad. Your life doesn't end. Your hobbies don't end. Your friends don't magically go away. You don't become a boring "family guy" unless you chose to. It takes an added effort to balance all things, but the people that don't do that or either lazy or just extremely disadvantaged on the money/family support scale (and if you're a tech worker and have supportive parents and in-laws, that's not an issue for you).

All this to say, give this time to marinate. Maybe see a therapist for a few sessions and see if an unbiased third party can see your forest, even if all you can see are the trees. It's fun to wake up on Saturday morning unbothered and free to play video games all day, but it's going to be extremely painful to see the person you've loved for 5+ years slowly emotionally detach, see other people, etc.

EDIT: One more thing I would mention. I would also highly recommend booking an hour with a laywer and get them to give you a good understanding of your state's family law and court system. What of your property will be considered marital and separate? What are you still on the hook for as soon as you file? Do you live in a "equitable distribution" state in regards to martial property? When you get down the road into a separation and divorce process, your SO is going to get counseled by someone as well as her friends and family, and those late night pillow talks about what you would and wouldn't do to each other and go after financially if separated are null and void.

Where is the down vote button?