Burnout at 20, How to Recover?

First, you need a therapist. It will help you handle your anxiety.

Second, quit your job. Quit your job, take your money and go to do what people at 20 do, whatever they do these days (it almost 20 years now since my 20).

Now, you need to understand that it is not your fault. 99% of people at 20 are not mature enough to handle all pressure it comes with leading a team of 3 (and every thing that came before that).

In the past, people took years to be responsible for so much thing at work. Companies used to prepare talented people like you. Today, they just use you like a disposable part until you break. You broke. Again, it is not your fault, it's their fault.

Slowdown your life. Live your life for you, not for your company. Spend time with your family, with your friends. Meet new people, new places. Do other things you like and learn to like new things.

Then, come back here to tell us how you are doing.

Well it’s ok to not like coding.

We all like to think we’re doing some amazing rocket science. Like we’re able to mold dreams into reality with code and it’s so engaging we ought to want to do it every waking hour.

But TBH much of the time it’s just work. It’s hard work, with deadlines, legacy code maintenance, bikeshedding, customers, and thankless tasks. It’s not molding “Dreams into reality” most of the time.

I hate it sometimes. I give myself the freedom to hate it. To have it not be my passion. I let my natural interests guide me to and from it. So far I’ve stuck with it through the years, enjoyed it much of the time, but I would have burned out if I didn’t pace myself to my interest level rather than external pressures.

Keep in mind you're earning a six figure salary doing over double what is expected at a "normal" 40h/week job. If you consider it as an hourly rate, is it worth sacrificing your health over?

Not a rhetorical question, btw.

You can't work 2/3 of the hours of the day for more than short bursts. Just back it off and limit yourself to max 7 hours of work each day, and avoid anything code related for at least one day each week. See how you feel after a couple weeks of that. You're young and you can always dive back in, just try backing off some for some weeks and see how you feel.

Recommend getting a good therapist and setting boundaries with your work. It will help you get off the hedonic treadmill and manage your anxiety.

It sounds like both your work and hobby involve pretty intense coding. If you are coding for 16-18 hours a day, that doesn't leave enough time for sleep, exercise, and socializing. I've found I need a regular amount of all three of those (and enough high-quality food) in order to have my mind working well for long periods of time. Even if you really love coding, these things ebb and flow, so it's okay for your job to just be a job instead of this all-consuming thing. You'll have to more aggressively prioritize which tasks you work on instead of trying to do everything, but that's an important part of maturing as a programmer and a leader. Maybe take some time doing work only in a fixed time period of the day and spend the rest of the time on some hobbies, ideally ones that are physical, outside, or with other people. (I understand that these are harder to find right now than they were a few years ago).

While having a more restorative life outside your job will help, I also agree that a therapist is a good idea to help with your anxiety and to help while navigating the transition from coding being your entire life to it being part of your life (at least for now).

Take a substantial vacation, towards the end after your mind clears it'll be easier to decide the best course of action.

My recommendation:

Take some time off and really unplug.

Invest in a hobby/activity outside of work that makes you happy. For me it's lifting weights. I wasn't always that way - a doctor recommended that I do that in my mid-20s when I was going through serious burnout, bad diet, poor sleep and stress. It helped me having that outside outlet.

Do you still enjoy writing software? Maybe you just don’t like your new responsibilities?

Maybe go enjoy our life while you can.

>16-18 hours a day

Can I ask you how, and why, you do this? I'm genuinely curious as even back when I was your age I would be fatigued after maybe half of that time.

As others have said, this exaggerated workload obviously contributes to your situation.

You’re 20 years old.

Make that full time work part time and go do something you enjoy.

You don’t owe anyone anything so badly that it costs your health. That includes your future self.

Find something new to do at that company or get a new job.

Probably talk to therapist.

imo there are often several components to burn out...

- going at it too hard, for too long - letting your health and body deteriorate - having your goals change without noticing - bureaucracy taking too much % of your time - creativity going out of the work - too much stress for too long

My past experience with burn out is that it is a health issue first and foremost. You can't run your brain & energy systems flat out forever. Stuff starts to break down. Effect gets worse when you get older. When you are young, you can probably get away with it for a lot longer.

The stress you putting on yourself to "deliver results for others" means you walk around filled with anxiety and tension at all times.

In programming roles with regular stand-ups and tickets, the feeling of being monitored constantly for productivity (by management and peers) means you are carrying anxiety 24/7. In my opinion, some of the "well intentioned" group productivity methods such as regular meetings to check on deliverables tend to escalate stress levels.

Starts to feel like micro-management.

This rapidly can turn into feeling like "weekly / daily public humiliation" exercises if you are not able to maintain the cadence of results. The anxiety you might be feeling is actually a looming sense of dread of being micromanaged to deliverables in a public setting.

IF your projects have no program management, rational control of deliverables...pretty soon you just feel bad all the time. More anxiety, less motivation, more burn out. The daily stand-ups devolve into: "Lets see how much you have failed everyone today." That is a punishment, not a reward.

Once your work becomes a regular habitual exercise in punishment, then of course you are going to back off and not want to do it anymore. It is one of the same reasons why it is so important to keep a healthy mental frame around exercise and diet (reward, not punishment). Humans are animals. Animals like rewards and hate / avoid punishments.

So suspect your job has been turned into ritual humiliation / punishment and that is the root cause. Other factors might be at play, but that is my guess. Need to find a way to restructure work so that it is rewarding and not flagellating. That might mean systematically dropping some deliverables, pushing things out and renegotiating deliverables.

Having been a developer who also got stuck with project management - nothing is more stressful than having to both do the work and do the "client facing / management facing" negotiation.

You may find you don't want to be management and would prefer to be a pure specialist.

Smartest guy I ever met once told me: "The first thing I do when taking a new job is tell them I never want to be promoted. If you want to be promoted, they can make you do things." :)

How long have you been smoking pot? It took me around 6 months of no usage to get to a point where the fear and anxiety of being at and doing work went away.

I felt great if I didn’t have to work on anything with pressure but smoking a lot coupled with a stressful job is a match made in hell.