How do you manage kids, IT job and relationship without going crazy?

Good open communication. Both spouses have to really want it. If you have resentment, entitlement, or embarrassment you aren’t going to make it.

I have two employers, 5 years of overseas military deployments, 2 kids that are nearly grown, a young foster child with ADHD and extreme attachment disorder, and side code projects. If both spouses want to make it work you will figure it out.

I am not an outlier. My current army brigade commander is a Colonel with grown kids and military deployments plus a PhD with prior employment as a school system superintendent.

You don't... for the next 15 or so years they manage you, if you can keep a lid on it.

I read a quote here a few months ago: you can do a good job on two of kids, relationship, job.

Accept the fact that the work you’re doing now is probably going to be replaced within 18-24 months when a new CTO wants to make a mark.

Your relationships on the other hand, will hopefully last a lifetime.

Act accordingly.

Edit: A practical advice – I haven’t worked a 40 hour week since I became a dad. Well worth the pay cut.

Let go.