Nerds of HN, did you overcome loneliness?

>> it is hard for us tech oriented people to build a great social life.

This stereotype needs to die. For some reason, tech people have a superiority complex about their intelligence and inferiority complex about their social intelligence (neither of which is true from what I have observed). Tech people are normal people.

I spent a lot of time working on myself, first.

For me, that looked like understanding past trauma, and then doing the work: meditation, journaling, fixing diet and exercise, sleeping better, and enhancing existing relationships with friends and family.

Then, I felt more comfortable knowing myself and being my authentic self. With that foundation in place, I put real energy into expanding my communities. I put myself out there. I asked people to hang out, and I shared my struggles. I was more comfortable being vulnerable.

There are other tactics that have worked. I introduced like-minded people to one another and let those connections grow on their own. I spend time on touching base. When I read an article or see a tweet that a distant friend might enjoy, I send it. And ask how they are doing. I lean into curiosity about others. Ask people probing questions about their lives, hopes, fears.

By trying to bond with people on an emotional level rather than an intellectual one.

After all, do you want to *be right*, or do you want to connect? At some point I realized that it made no sense to complain about loneliness because I am a brainy type AND simultaneously refuse to engage with other's emotions because they are not brainy as I am.

The book which helped me the most is *non violent communication*. Its like an universal protocol, but still filter the bullshit.

edit: Of course, as other said, growing out of your mental tendency takes years and is still a work in progress. But with this type of thing the way is the destination.

I came to realize at the age of 30 that I am actually an extrovert

Being a Computer Science grad / software engineer and on the quieter side, I always labeled myself as an introvert. But I more recently identified that I get a lot of energy from talking to the right people, even if I’m not loud and gregarious like your textbook extrovert.

The main thing is I only get energy from talking to interesting people about interesting things, and I now see that as a positive, instead of hating myself for not meeting some unrealistic standard of being able to engage with boring people over small talk or trivial matters

> If so, which approaches or resources were helpful to you?

For me the issue was one of being too selective and fearful. I would analyze people the way people analyze resumes, trying to read between the lines for facts that in reality are not in evidence. So, because I was afraid of rejection, this led to a bit of a spiral, where caution led to expecting the worst, and then noticing every fault.

I had moved out on my own, and was really lonely, working as a lab device repair engineer (I had spend four years prior writing software for 80s era diagnostic devices) in a town where I knew no one. One day I decided to try something completely new: I'd just accept the people in my life as "my team", be nice to them and try to be helpful, and see what happened. So instead of worrying about if the person was good or bad, I started figuring out what the people that were around me liked and disliked so I could be nice. I also decided that my default answer for social interaction would always be yes. So where I'd find an excuse not to go to lunch with coworkers, I'd say yes. Little stuff like getting a coffee for a coworker when I went to get mine. Saying good morning, and asking "are you having a good day?" to the ever-changing lady at the front desk. It didn't matter what she said, I'd just listen and say something sympathetic. At the end of the day, I'd tell the people that sat near me in the office that I was leaving.

It took all of three days for people that I only interacted professionally with to really warm up. People asked if I wanted to grab lunch. At the end of the day I got invited to grab a beer, go work out, or go to a sports event. I said yes every time - even if it was something I had zero personal interest in. I would go, and soak up the experience, listening to them talk about themselves, their problems, and when they asked me about me, I'd answer honestly.

So in short, stop judging, accept the people already in your life, say yes, go to lunch with people, go to social events, be honest, and most importantly be a good listener.

a) stop calling yourself a nerd

b) your mind doesn't 'constantly revolve around tech and science.', you are just bad at other things and dismiss them or want to feel superior. Normal Relationships don't revolve around a single topic they agree on

c) if you are lonely, it isn't because you are a nerd (heck, being nerdy is even popular now), if because of your lack of social skills and do nothing to improve them

d) get the fuck out of the house and interact with people. Gym, bar, supermarket, sports league, hobby place, dog park, etc. Just because the person you meet doesn't have an opinion on linux vs mac vs windows, or if Pluto is or isn't a planet, doesn't mean they aren't interesting/know interesting topics. You are not special or better because you 'pursue' science

(sorry for the negative tone, but is needed, all the 'nerds' I see that are lonely are a result of putting science or correctness or tech as the highest thing in life, and being condescending to other's interests, which makes they not really relatable, and thus lonely)

Without being insulting to anybody, one of the best things you can do for your social life (not to mention health, and even finances) is work on your fitness for these (and many other reasons).

* You will gain a lot of confidence in social situations. Going to a gathering as one of the fittest people there feels a lot less anxiety-inducing than entering as the overweight person. Trying to date while in shape is an entirely different experience than trying to find somebody when you're not.

* Finding an exercise you enjoy gives you an outlet for pent up stress, making you less anxious in other areas of your life.

* Finding some sport or activity you can participate in gives you numerous opportunities to join with clubs and make activity buddies.

Meetup.com. Sign up for some random shit and go out and do stuff.

Edit: just a warning. Some of the things you go to will be crap or full of weirdos and you won't get on with people at some of them. That's fine; they won't remember you and you won't remember them and you never have to go again if you didn't like it. Which makes it even cooler.

Stuff that helped me:

Realize that any relationship requires effort from both sides. When was the last time you reached out to someone, checked in etc.

Talking to people who are not from my industry also helped me gain insight as to how others think, feel etc. More well rounded, have people who are like you but seek others who are different

Hobbies, Volunteer efforts have been the best ways for me to gain more friends

I strongly recommend dance classes (especially partner dances like tango or salsa). You get exercise, learn physical and verbal communication, become comfortable with awkward mistakes and social failures, and meet lots of new people.

Rotating partners every few minutes helps you leftover both dance and social skills. Each person is different, do every partner is different. Sometimes, you just don't click and that's ok. You remember the people you did enjoy dancing with and make sure to grab a few dances later

> it is hard for us tech oriented people to build a great social life. Because our minds constantly revolve around tech and science.

This is not true and it’s a self-defeating attitude to create an excuse for why you haven’t achieved what you want.

Being interested in technology and science don’t prevent you from developing social skills. Develop those skills the same way you developed your tech/science skills: learning, practice, and feedback.

If you don’t know where to start: Talk to people and really listen what they have to say. Ask them questions. Read books. Date more. Go to therapy.

For me it isn't so much being a 'nerd', which I am, as being very much an introvert as well. And most people don't know this, but introverts still want to be around people, just need alone time too, so I understand where you are coming from. If you find yourself not doing things or not experiencing things or not participating in conversations because they do not revolve around tech and science, and I know this sounds dumb, but force yourself to do it. I had a low point in my life and decided to force myself to say yes to things I really didn't want to do, and over the years I found out there is a reason people like sports, or concerts or whatever, and other things I tried once and knew it is not for me. And you don't have to change your interests or try to be popular or care about fashion like Graham talks about. I don't like sports in general, but I will always go to a college football game if invited, it is fun, even if you don't enjoy football, also there are other people at super bowl parties that don't watch football either; but I will never go to a nightclub again, once was enough to know. Your social circle expands and one day saying 'yes' to something will lead you to meet someone you will eventually start a family with and then your social circle will slowly shirk and that is okay.

It was hard, but I got out of my own head. I took an interest in other people. What do they think? What's their story? Not to debate or argue, but just to try & understand them.

When I was a lot younger my anxiety would sometimes result in my mind going blank at a social event. To combat that, I would draft a few questions or topics on an index card & stick it in my back pocket. When it would happen, I'd excuse myself to the restroom & read it.

Once I got basic footholds on social interactions, I started to realized something: a lot of people felt the same anxiousness & stress that I did. That helped me a lot because my focus became how do I help them feel more comfortable, feel a sense of belonging. And again, by taking the focus off myself, the interactions became easier.

Carnegie's "How to Win Friends & Influence People" is also great.

Lastly, practice helps a lot. Accept you'll make mistakes, have awkward moments & everything else. So what? The worst thing it can do is keep you from trying again in the future. After a while (and I mean a long while), you learn to laugh those things off & it becomes easier. Just keep going.

I feel compelled to offer some advice here. Please hear me out..

I'm pretty socially awkward. I don't have "friends". I don't go to movies. I don't plan lunch dates. I don't host parties. I rarely ask people to do things. I don't have a "social life". I've been lonely. I still get lonely sometimes. But.. I love it. I feel good. And I like the people that are in my life.

> Has anyone here ever made good progress in connecting with other people?

Yes. As a side effect of doing what I love to do.

Focus on what you love to do. Dig into it. And you will find other people who love to do those things too.

Acknowledge your loneliness. Embrace it. Stop worrying about it. It's not a "problem" that needs fixing. Avoid self-help resources, if you can. And do not pretend that someone else can "fix" this for you. You are the only one who can be you. Redirect your mindset. If you continually tell yourself that you're lonely, don't have friends, and have no connection, you will be miserable and stuck in a rut forever. If your actions are motivated by trying to "better your social life", you will feel empty inside. Stop that. Forget about all of that. Just do what you love to do, and cultivate that. It's much easier to connect with someone when you are working, building, or playing something. You will find people along the way. One or two might stick, and many won't. There are so many different people in this world! And that's OK.

Honestly ask yourself what you love to do. If you were financially independent, what would you spend your time on? Who would you surround yourself with? What pursuit, mission, or deeper meaning would bring you together?

I don’t know how old you are, but once you get to around 25-30, it becomes infinitely harder to build close friendships. Around that age there are a few things working against you.

1. Families and priorities erode the time available to cultivate new friendships.

2. You lack history with people you meet and time is not on your side to effect that. Attempts to create history feel forced and unnatural.

3. You develop an intolerability to slights, real or perceived, because your understanding of human nature is more convincing to you than when you were an innocent child.

I once read that the best way to make new friends is through spontaneous positive experiences over a long stretch of time.

For example, my wife is 41, and she has a new friend she’s known for about 2 years now. They met while picking up our respective kids at school who used to play with each other (spontaneity). Over time, they found out they had a mutual friend and many things in common, same sense of humor, etc. it’s taken a long time, but I’ve seen their friendship grow into what I’d consider close.

I honestly don't know. At best you're going to get trite answers such as join a club or get involved in a hobby. In my experience, you make transient acquaintances and still end up feeling lonely.

I've kinda just accepted that I'm alone. I don't really feel that lonely, but I'd love to have a friend or two. The few friends I've had have sort of just drifted away I guess.

I can be social, but I prefer being by myself most of the time. And in my country theres an unwritten rule of never talking to strangers, if you do; you're some kind of weirdo. So that doesn't help either!

If you're really interested in how things work there's no easier way to engage with people. Just talk to them about what they do (not necessarily for a living). Most people are lonely, even the married ones with 3 children, and are just dying to share their thoughts and passions. You have to be genuinely curious though, if you just want to prove how you know everything already you will get a negative reaction. The results will guide you.

Paul Graham's essay indicates that (a) Paul Graham went to High School in a cartoon and (b) Nerds are unpopular because they care more about being smart than being tolerable to be around. I'm certain that this is true of Paul Graham, but I'm pretty sure a lot of people who are labelled as nerds are lonely for other reasons.

People with social anxiety might naturally gravitate towards solitary activities, like reading or computing, which are considered "nerdy." If that's you, then you need to convince your brain that other people aren't scary. One strategy I've heard for this is running "experiments" where you write down what you're worried will happen before undergoing a social situation that provokes anxiety, then afterwards write what actually happened and compare them. Usually, things will go better than you worried, and calling attention to this each time can (hopefully) reduce your overall level of anxiety.

Other people might begin with "nerdy" interests and develop social deficits because of media and people like Paul Graham who say that people interested in those things must be weird and unpopular. If that's you, then you should work to convince yourself that you're not a nerd, and in fact there's no such thing as a "nerd." You should probably do this anyway, because the idea that you have to be a "nerd" to be good at stuff like programming excludes people who don't fit the prototypical image of a "nerd," such as women.

If, as Paul Graham says, you're lonely because you care too much about being/appearing intelligent, you should convince yourself that the most important thing is not to be smart, but to be kind.

I might have done this unconsciously, but in my teenagers years I bond with others over videogames (couch gaming or chat about games). Made some good friends (really good). Then I changed country and made friends of programming (the most nerd side of my passion). Made some good friends that way too.

The teenagers years were harder, it took a while to bond. I had two very good friends but lost one since he took a very different path. And my actual friends were not in school with me, so my life was miserable while in school and sometimes great over the weekend.

I did a lot of "self analysis" (a lot of thinking about myself). This is something I did instinctively, I didn't study anything about it, but it helped dramatically.

I turned out very happy and satisfied though, so in that mess, something must have worked! But I did meet many nerdy people myself and made friends with (including a wife), so I'd be surprised if it's not possible to do the same.

The biggest struggle so far is that we can't find other families with nerd parents, now that we have kids. All the families we are friends with are all into hiking. Luckily, kids give plenty to talk about.

This isn't a solution to your problem, but I slowly fostered a relationship with my distant brother and father (who I had a right to not forgive) over several years. Loneliness is a strange thing to conquer and it's more of a state-of-mind than anything. I'm the "same" lonely as I was a few years ago. What I mean by that is that I still don't have friends in the city I live in, but mentally, I'm very satisfied because my brother or dad are a call away and that keeps me from falling into that sadness.

I guess what I'm saying is, you stop feeling lonely when you're confident you have a few people to lean on.

Pursuing meaningful relationships is very difficult and it's often easier to build on an existing foundation such as a blood relative or old friend. A lot of people will tell you to make new friends or go to a meetup, but it's really really hard to find people who will stick around and not turn into shallow acquaintances.

Once you have one or two people you can cry to, the loneliness feeling evaporates. That's what happened to me, anyways.

Still trying. Graduated in the pandemic, started working remotely. Moved to a new place where I don't have any close friends, just two acquaintances. I've met my team in-person only once. It's hard to get a car right now. It's hard to be alone and stay motivated. But I know I'm not alone and I'll be okay.

Honestly, I just prefer being alone.

I find that I get all my needs for social interaction through work and family, and even that can be too much. I have to spend large swaths of the day just being by myself, and I typically use that time for the things I want to do; reading books, learning Russian, trying new technologies. These are all solitary pursuits, and I like that I can do them in my own way at my own pace.

I guess my roundabout way of answering the question is that I simply got comfortable being with myself. I like me, I think I'm pretty cool. I know I'm not perfect but I have a lot of self love. Combine that with the desire and grit to always be working towards self improvement, plus a wife and kids, and I find that my day is filled to the brim with joy, love, and excitement.

So what do you do when someone asks you about your profession, then they say "ohh poor boy, must be some lonely nerd". Do you just nod with your head because you believe that crap? I've seen this attitude over and over again. Change your attitude towards yourself.

I didn't. I'm close to my parents, and have a decent friendship group who I meet up with often, but the lack of a romantic partner means I am incredibly lonely. I've tried both dating sites and in person meet ups and nothing works for me. I've been in two long term (4y, 2y) romantic relationships, which both started the same way but that isn't available to me any more. I feel unwanted and I know why it is. I've felt loved and desired before, and not having that just burns me up by day day. I feel hollow and worthless. I see some comments saying they are alone, but not lonely. I'm the inverse, I'm not alone, but terribly lonely.

Pick up a hobby, like climbing, skateboarding, basketball, diving or whatever and you will be meeting people regularly and frequently.

What worked for me : Get married, have children and be happy.

The children will ultimately grow up, but by then I just feel happy being alone.

I used to be lonely sometimes, or didn't have quite as many friends as I'd wish. Then I joined a free friendship/dating site about 15 years ago, and made friends in a lot of countries. I had to learn spanish because I started making friends with latinas, and really loved that, and most don't speak any english. So, that added a lot of countries to the potential-friends pool. (I'd love to get good at French and Portuguese, to add Brazil and French-speaking Africa.) Ever since, I've had a load of great friends all over the world. It's been amazing! Right now my dearest friends are in Bulgaria, Ghana, India, Philippines, Peru, Colombia, etc. The main surprise has been, how little cultural gap/barrier there is - none really, except language, if you don't speak it. Now my main problem is - how on earth am I ever gonna be able to visit them all!

Also, during the years I joined 2 free language learning sites, the ones where you meet someone and teach each other. I was only on them for a week or two before meeting 'teachers' who quickly became dear friends, one in Nicaragua, the second in Spain. That's also a great way to meet people. And a great way to learn a language. (I studied grammar a lot in the early days too, of course.)

Firstly going to therapy and being direct with what you want. “I’m not as social as I’d like to be.” And then directly working on it witj as little self judgement as possible. In this way your therapist is your coach and your sport is socializing.

Secondly is to practice. Nerds love nerd meetups- look at anime con, gencon, games done quick, etc. find a local group like this and integrate, which is a fancy word for showing up and participating.

I haven't overcome loneliness but I have come to better terms with this feeling than I had in the past.

I now understand that it's a state that arises from time to time. And then passes. And arises again. It's also a feeling that can show up in solitude or a crowd.

Many of the ideas suggested here have helped me but one more than the rest is the company of a person who listens sympathetically. This has helped me understand what loneliness, in its myriad flavors, might mean underneath. As an adult this person has been a trained therapist. As a child it was a loving grandparent. Some weeks it's also my meditation partner from a retreat a few years ago.

I've come to appreciate that loneliness really is universal. We are far from alone in feeling alone. And this time of the year can be particularly hard on many of us; faced with unending pictures of seemingly perfect family unions.

Reaching out to someone, just like you did today, is a great place to start. I hope you feel at least a little less alone now. And I'm confident there are many, including me, who've benefited from your choice to ask your question today. Thank you for connecting us in this way.

I got married.

Seriously though, I'm mostly comfortable with solitude so it's never been a huge issue with me. I like making, I like tinkering, I like doing what I want when I want. I can keep myself entertained. I also realized this about myself, so I stopped pushing myself to expand my social circles.

That's to say I don't like people. I do. I like playing games with people, going to movies, hanging out, etc.

But I can go weeks before feeling the desire for social interaction (outside what office life provides). Whereas, I'm done with most social engagements in a few hours even on my most outgoing days.

That's my best attempt at answering the title on its face. I overcame it by realizing, like BatManuel claims: "[I am] lone."

However, as to the question further asked in the body: I've leaned into myself. I allow myself to be. I've learned that people only care that you care about them. Look for the "cool" first. There's probably something you like in almost everything. Or at least interesting. Everyone wants to be interesting, so be interested.

You connect best with people who are like you in some way. Sports fans like to hang around with sports fans. Outdoors folks like to hang around with outdoors folks. Avid readers find fulfillment in book clubs. There's no magic here, and "popularity" isn't going to do a thing against loneliness.

This is nothing new. Great minds like Voltaire met regularly with like-minded people to discuss philosophy and science in excruciating detail as far as everyone else was concerned. One could consider them the "nerds" of their time, and yet they had social lives, just not so much outside of their circles (much like everyone else).

Your connections come from activities where you share experiences with others doing things you all enjoy, so seek out those enjoyable activities and the connections will slowly build as you meet people in those circles. That's how I met my wife.

Two ressources that I found most helpful:

https://stevepavlina.com/?s=relationships

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/4553092-real-time-relati...

A great social life doesn't require tons of friends or stereotypical social activities. Any circle of friends and/or family whom you are happy to be around is more than enough, even if it's only one person! So cherish what relationships you might already have. Be loyal to them. For loneliness relief, you might not need much more beyond that.

Quit IT for a few years and worked in pubs. Maybe not for everyone though.

I went to the gym 5 days a week and got fit with a trainer (ate a lot of meat of course, even though I'm not a big meat eater). In just 3 months you will start getting compliments both online and offline. You can do it without a trainer as well, but at least get a few classes to make sure you're not destroying your joints.

Like many others in the comments here I can only offer my own personal observation. I used to be super shy, now I'm not.

I used to juggle alone, just preoccupied with the patterns for years - then a friend who made a living from performing told me I could do it too, and took me to busk with him. The first show I did, I was shaking with anxiety..

Nowadays there isn't a social situation I couldn't handle. Please don't tell yourself, "I'm a nerd, I can't socialise", the truth is, you just need to try. It's going to be awkward at first, yes.

It sounds weird but try to work out things to try out, rehearse what to say, before you are in a social situation (like actually in front of the mirror). Pay attention to others and work out what approach works for you. Most of all, go for it and talk to someone. Then do it again.

By the way, happy New Year!

Clear distinction between loneliness and solitude and when I needed or wanted each of which and when not was helpful. The times you want neither are the moments you want to engage in social activities, even approaching people circumstances allowing, without it feeling forced upon you by yourself.

Reading "Just Listen" by Mark Goulston was helpful. But really, developing a habit of listening.

I think one of the things that's hard is that we are so used to always working, going, learning, building. We measure and improve. We commit, run, test, and deploy. We focus in on a particular thing and get really good at it.

But people aren't like that. They have feelings and emotions. They have a past and a history. They have fears and doubts. They have dreams and things that drive them. Some of those things which we cannot relate to. We can do all the right things and still end up getting hurt. They often don't respond the way we think and unlike compiled code, they can misunderstand what's being said or what's going on.

So, listen, ask questions, and treat others better than you'd treat yourself.

I did not. And watching back at my life, I’d say, I’d be better not trying to do so. I don’t need social life, but I felt self-imposed pressure to participate which leads to nowhere. It’s better to admit that I don’t need social life and social life does not want to have me around and move on.

I'm US based and used to volunteer in the local food bank. You meet different groups of people there and it's a good way to start your day on the weekends by waking up early, appreciating what you have in life and knowing you did something good.

Link to find foodbank https://www.feedingamerica.org/take-action/volunteer

SF food bank links I used 1. https://www.sfmfoodbank.org/volunteer/in-the-warehouse/

2. https://www.sfmfoodbank.org/volunteer/

Edit: added links

Not exactly. It just went away on its own. I’m far more solitary now than at any other period of time. But whereas I used to feel loneliness quite painfully, I no longer feel it at all. I have no other explanation except the passage of time.

Well, while I did meeting a lot of tech people that had small social circles/seemed lonely, most of the people I know have small group of friends and are very happy with it, and I know even of some genuinly happy social butterflies that have large group around them.

Personally, it is hard. I.e. I met one of my closest friends when we started internship together, but it took us month before we went out together beyond work-lunch/coffee-break.

And even after few years it felt kinda awkward when I talked to him about my marital problems, and he was the one that called me on it. And I was glad he did, because I didn't really have people to talk about that ...

I grew up awkward and introverted, with awkward and introverted parents.

When I finished college and moved to a new city, I intentionally put myself in situations where I had to socialize. I created a Couchsurfing account and hosted people from time to time (circa 2008-2010).

I also joined a few meetups here and there, volunteered at a soup kitchen…

Over time, exposure to these social settings helped reduce my anxiety around them, and I picked up (probably the hard way).

I’m immuno-compromised, so the pandemic has been lonely a number of times, as I tend to be more cautious then the average person. I feel for people wanting to make this change in their life now but are protecting themselves.

Volunteering to manage my kid's youth sports team has been good for me. The quality of the kids' experience depends on it which is a good forcing function to stay on top of things.

Unexpectedly, it's also been a way to build community and get families connected with each other. As an introvert with social anxiety I didn't plan for that part of it. It feels nice to hear words of appreciation from other parents and know that I'm making a difference, even if small.

Being forced outside of my social comfort zone has been good for my personal growth. Especially after dealing with COVID related isolation for so long.

> it is hard for us tech oriented people to build a great social life. Because our minds constantly revolve around tech and science.

I disagree. There are thousands of reasons for loneliness, and there are thousands of different types of nerds. Might nerds have a higher number of being lonely statistically speaking? Possible. But it's a gross overstatement that a mind revolving around tech and science necessarily causes loneliness. The correlation is not particularly strong, and the causation is certainly unproven.

From I observe in myself and my colleagues, many "nerds" socialize just fine. They are nerds at some time, and social butterflies at others.

If you feel lonely, you have to first identify "why". Is it something about yourself (reluctance to speak to people, reluctance to connect)? Is it something about the circumstance (moving to a different city, so losing old contacts)? Is it something about the current environment that is unfriendly to you? Are you in a place where nobody shares your hobby?

I personally find my own loneliness more related to the fact that I'm in a different country. I was reading Orwell's essay on Henry Miller, and one sentence struck me very dearly:

"Exile is probably more damaging to a novelist than to a painter or even a poet, because its effect is to take him out of contact with working life and narrow down his range to the street, the café, the church, the brothel and the studio."

Although not a novelist (and not a patron of brothel), I do find myself limited to certain streets, houses, and supermarkets. I've visited more hotels than homes, more restaurants than kitchens, and I know very little about what American life entails apart from what I observe from a distance. No matter what I do, I can't seem to get into US culture.

I combat this kind of loneliness by focusing on what I can get into: connect with people who share similar hobbies: violin playing, cooking, literature. It feels much more free to talk with people about what I fully understand, rather than small talks in which I can barely grasp the meaning of idioms. And the more I talk, the more I can start to connect with people on an emotional level, which feels very comforting.

I wonder if people realize that, to a large extent, cities are designed to exacerbate loneliness. Most people don't even form relationships unless forced to be in the same space and time by an external force, in school or work. As they get older, the emphasis on heavy parenting excludes other people from their lives. In the past, the church, the cafe, the market were meeting places, not anymore. As we are entering an era of remote-work we have to start building solutions to these problems. The industrial-era city-warehouse is not a good model for our times.

You might have undiagnosed social anxiety disorder or something like that which causes you to internalise a lot of unhelpful stuff.

The good part of that however is that there are already some good clinical approaches to that which seem to have high success rates.

If getting yourself a psychologist is an option to help you put together a plan I’d recommend it. Trying to figure all of this out on your own without a proper sounding board is almost certainly going to make it a much longer journey with a much lower chance of success.

Cooking for others. Drop off a surprise bag of home-made bagels for a breakfast, make soup for a sick person, call someone and ask them to come over for coffee and cake. Or sump'n.

I'm hopeful about a course I'm taking (starting next week) that could help me addressing this. Practical Social Networking - https://guildoftherose.org/courses

(it is a "guild" born from the rationality movement and currently in beta, we have just finished today the 3rd course of the beta and I'm quite happy with how they are handling it)

Join activity groups/clubs. Eg: running, hiking, cycling, sports, etc — something that takes the focus off of the need to start or keep up conversations.

It’s also important to learn that everyone else has insecurities, self-doubts, has to poop and so on. From the coolest to the loneliest. It’s all about how you manage it.

Never apologize for yourself unless you’ve actually done something wrong.

Intelligent people know how to behave socially. It’s just another system.

However, most things are impossible to ones who believe they cannot do them. No human who believes they cannot open a jar has ever succeeded.

I’m an engineer with degrees in Maths and CS. All the good engineers I know are also socially capable. At the worst, you have to be able to play well with other engineers.

Heads up there was a thread on men's loneliness yesterday, on an article which cited some of how men often are career/interest focused (among other noteables).

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=29743613 (14 hours, 7 comments)

I didn't but I have to learn to accept responsibility. That said most nerds I know of can make friends with other nerds just fine.

It's not good to hide behind the nerd shield for any social or mental health issues because it can prevent us from identifying and resolving the underlying cause.

I got a girlfriend from work

We are not similar. She likes her gym, and coffee with friends, traveling; I like my linux, and programming debugging, politics...

We more or less understand each other

I am very bad socially, so my social life is mostly her social life

Anything else I also go to Meetup.com

Don't fuss about your "social life" directly. Find a romantic partner, probably using dating apps, and then build your social life on top of your shared life with your partner.

I joined a nerdy martial arts club (Historic European Martial Arts), to play with swords, get fit, and meet other people who are nerdy but not in tech. Made many new friends that way.

Before the pandemic I used to go to meetups frequently. You will see and interact with same the people over and over again, so there a chance that you can get friends that way.

My son met his now wife while gaming online. I can report that online gaming appears to be an excellent way to learn to work and live with other people.

It’s easier to connect with people when you realize you don’t have to share the same passions - they just have to be passionate about something.

most cliche answer by far...but, love and romance. I feel really lonely without my girlfriend, like...just nothing else fills that gap.

This needs to be made into a plan.

1. Where to meet people. 2. How to approach people. 3. How to handle initial contact. 4. How to bond. 5. Graceful goodbye. 6. Further contact warranted?

None of these are easy by themselves even.

1) The older you get the harder it is to meet people.

First you are in school with a bunch of random people. Then you may have to detour into the military, utterly random people. University with a bunch of people a little less random.

The farther you get from your educational stage the harder it is to meet people.

People get older, they already have a circle of friends and family.

You can: - Join a book club - Join a sportsteam - Find a place to volunteer. - Join a religion. Some will have rituals for including new members. - Join some political / ideological activism group - Join the Foreign Legion - Find somewhere public and hang out there all the time (pub, coffee shop, lingerie store, jail, ) - Take classes in something.

2)

Not much help I can give here.

It can be super hard. Esp if there is already a structure in place. So everyone is talking to people in small groups and there you are all by yourself.

I suck hard at this

I have attended a lot of tech related conferences like DefCon. I never managed to meet anyone there. Except when I was a speaker.

3)

I suck hard at this

4)

Yeah right.

5)

The best if you can establish a timetable ahead of time in some subtle way, or you may be in a situation where there is a natural timetable. You need flexibility. You might never want to see this person again (ever).

6)

Usually not.

Most people suck. You suck too, but you are ok with it sort of.

I have no interest and nothing to contribute on: sports, drinking, shagging, fishing, celebrities, fashion, exotic vacations, gambling, get rich quick schemes, tupperware, MLM Making beer, wine, compost, voodoo dolls, automobiles,

Now here is where people say:

"Well, there is your problem".

I think not really: I like: modern art, photography, philosophy, politics, (in a respectful, restrained, and eager to learn kind way) religion, literature, eclectic music, programming, hacking,

There is a subsection of all people who enjoy one or more of those, that subsection is vastly smaller than: sports, drinking, celebrities, tavel.

Overcoming loneliness is hard for everyone, not just for nerds.

It is difficult to overcome loneliness because the entire society is affected by several megatrends which enhance loneliness, perhaps even leading to positive feedback.

In no particular order:

On economical level, neoliberalism and privatization encourages loneliness.

On community (City) level, urban planning is designed to make inner cities more inhabitable, at least the common spaces (again by privatization, surveillance, optimizng cities for traffic flows, the need to have a car, increasingly long commutes requiring people to spend more time alone). Urban Living spaces are unaffordable requiring people to work more. Rural areas are also affected. This has lots of consequences for loneliness.

On workplace level, remote work, outsourcing; more and more jobs hat require constant screen-staring; modern management methods and the digital whip, union busting and many other innovations increase loneliness.

On individual level, stress, e.g. from constant pressure at work, and too high performance levels expected, increase sickness and then loneliness. Aging societies and decades of accumulations of unhealthy lifestyles do their part.

Long-Covid is a mass-disabling event leading to more loneliness.

You get the idea. I could go on. And I don't have a recipe to "overcome loneliness".

It's like overcoming wetness. It is impossible - when everyone is swimming in a sea of loneliness.

Harsh truth: its time to settle.

Keep your identity small. What good does it do you to identify as a nerd?

Have made spending time with my kid as the first and foremost.

What does it take to identify someone as a nerd?

Drugs.

No progress yet.