Is This Parenting or Scrum?

I recommend a book called "Selfish Reasons To Have More Kids" by Bryan Caplan. It's a short read, and very interesting. The basic argument is that we've turned modern parenting into a stressful chore, much as you describe. But by looking at separated twin studies, he argues that what we do as parents has much less impact on how our kids turn out than we would probably like to believe. Essentially, if your parenting is within decent normal parameters (i.e. there isn't an abusive situation or anything like that) your kids will probably turn out ok, and if they don't, it will probably not be because of anything you did.

This argument really goes against accepted wisdom, especially if you tend to the theory that your kids are malleable clay for you to shape as you wish. But intuitively, it makes a lot of sense. My brother and I were essentially raised in the same environment, and we could not be more different. So, which of us did my parents' input produce, and why didn't it work for the other one?

It seems counterintuitive, but embracing the idea that what you do doesn't make as much difference as you'd expect is very liberating. Like all parenting books, I'm sure some of the data is cherry picked to make a point so I take it with a grain of salt, but I've definitely changed my attitude as a result and it's made parenting much more pleasant. I'm not totally checked out, I'm still doing the best I can, but I'm not as anxious about how what I'm doing affects my daughter. Basically, it's much easier to enjoy the ride if you're not constantly stressing about what you're doing wrong, and counterintuitively (or not, perhaps) that has made me a better father.

Our daughter didn't X until Y. Today she's fine. I was slow in math, then I got a degree in it.

We have two kids, both in college. The milestones don't matter unless they are a true diagnostic indicator of something wrong. Yes we stressed over the milestones anyway. You will too. That's as normal as everything else you're experiencing. It's worse if you know other parents, because then you'll start comparing. Don't do that.

Straightforward fatigue could be part of what you're experiencing, so you should try not to blame yourselves.

A thought that occurs to me is that the brain is to a large extent self organizing, and also making up a lot of its own stimuli. It is not a function that produces certain outputs upon certain inputs. There are no specs, no unit tests, no code coverage, the code is not human readable, there is no diff. Your daughter is doing most of what's important.

Only worry about the milestones when they are way off. Like waaaay off. Every kid develops at a different rate.

They tried to get us all freaked out that our kid had a speech delay and that we needed speech therapy, and possibly other interventions. It was obvious that he understood what we were saying and could act on what we were saying so it seemed to us like his lights were on and that the language parts of his brain were working. Plus friends of ours had been down this road and gave us similar advice.

In a few more months he started talking and talking and talking, and hasn’t shut up since.

He’s in first grade now and his teacher is super impressed with his elevated vocabulary, and generally how articulate he is.

Sometimes kids just take their time getting somewhere.

Of course, there are times when something might be genuinely wrong, but if your kid seems happy and healthy and their “lights are on”, for lack of a better expression, just enjoy the hell out of this time because it goes crazy fast, and you never get it back.

Most kids grow up fine. Some will be late. My first child didn't start talking until she was about 3. she even stopped a babbling phase around 1. But after 3, she just never stops talking. She couldn't hold a pencil until around 5 or 6, way behind other kids, and now at 9, she draws better than anyone in the family.

This is quite common. You have kids who talk and walk late, but they might be strong in other forms. I see it sort of like assigning skill points, they just grow in different direction, but you're not the one who gets to pick where.

Probably the worst thing you can do is send them to a bad nanny. We've had several, whose roles I describe as "keeping them alive" but these will often be little different than putting them in cages like a chicken. Those development points are wasted only because they're forced to not develop. I think school can have a similar effect. A lot of teachers and classmates can be envious and vicious, so kids try not to stick out.

Our first child was behind the other kids, but second and third were far ahead. I'd say there's a strong role model effect too. The kids imitate older siblings. Older sis draws, and the youngest will pick up a pencil at 1 year old. So don't worry too much if your first child is statistically behind.

Also from experience, my kids can stress themselves plenty. They will get pissed that they can't walk or put on their pants or talk. As a parent, just give them hugs and reassure them. Adding to the stress has the same negative effects as scrum.

Wow. Yeah it sounds like your intuition is calling out an important issue. Personally I have three almost-teens and we had to learn the best parenting style for each kid as well as for ourselves and the ways we interfaced with those children.

When we got medical advice that was really off, we generally ended up changing providers. Overall it was most important to learn each child's pace and preferences early on, so we could support them rather than building all this unnecessary scaffolding.

If you are looking for objective resources and inputs, checking with strangers like this is a good idea in that you can get a nice sample in some ways, from people who may think like you. You might also check in with your doc, share what you're doing in practice, and tell them that something has got to give here, see what they say. If the doc thinks nothing can give, that's where I'd start to check in with other medical professionals and see what's going on and what other options you have.

There are thousands of different child development perspectives, philosophies, and practices. In the end, you, your partner, and your child will be the ones who really have to be comfortable and compatible with whatever tools you use. Good luck to you and please take care of yourself. Healthy kids are great but healthy parents are also important.

What is the pressure from exactly? She either hits the milestones "on time" or she doesn't. There's not much you can do about it at the time. My wife and I watch our daughter change and try to map changes to milestones, but we're just marveling and along for the ride.

Relax. Parenting is hard enough without making up arbitrary milestones for your child to reach.

> It seems that child development ought to be paced more naturally.

Here's the fun part: no matter what you do, she's going to grow and develop on her own schedule. I've raised 5 kids, and every one of them did things differently - and in unexpected ways.

Just be patient, and remember the best thing you can do for your child is to make life fun, engaging and interesting. If you want to help her develop to her maximum potential, focus on reducing stress (not eliminating it, but reducing it). She's going to get enough stress in life without parents fretting over her development. stress is proven to slow development, and contribute to mental illness.

By the way, measure (and CELEBRATE) moments instead of milestones. Moments turn into memories and are a gift she'll cherish the rest of her life.

I forgot about this stage of parenting. It only happens with the first child. If you have a second child the order, pace and progress will be completely different, but you'll already have the experience of the first to understand that none of it matters.

It seems strange that a doctor would keep you anxious about these milestones.

Just try to survive and enjoy everything.

Your project is atypical. Generally the number of person-hours declines after the first major release.

After the release of version 1.0, you’re probably going to spend increasing amount of time in maintenance. This will reach its peak around version 13.0.

Shortly after version 13.0, the deployments will become increasingly difficult. Integrations with other programs will become unstable.

The need for maintenance will increase, but the program will be bloated, the environment complicated, and developer experience will decline significantly.

If the budget allows, offshore development and send her to boarding school.

Someone who raised kids old school ways once told me first step in parenting is to “Back off”

He said our generation have bane of abundance of time and money we end up inventing problems.

He said sitting and having a close watch on kids like the way we do is like digging everyday to see if a seed you have seen is growing well.

Give the seed a bit sun, soil, water and time.

Same way give your child safety, love and guidance.

All of us learnt to walk one way or another don’t we.

You guys are going to be great parents for her. Just relax and enjoy the time watching her grow.

First forget the Scrum analogy -- the situations are in no way comparable, for the simple fact that your child is nowhere near cognitively able to process the feedback loops (let alone corrective actions) that go along any of these fancy development methodologies.

As to the practice, on its own terms: your doctor is at least partially right in that if -- in the unlikely case -- your child is suffering from some kind of developmental delay then it's better to know this sooner rather than later (before she starts getting teased by other kids, or put in the "slow" bin by teachers, say).

That said -- there's a lot of variability in how people develop, and some people do just fine even after egregious-seeming delays (such as not being able to learn to read by a certain age, for example).

So the good news is you can listen to the doctor's advice -- "your child should be doing with their eyes after N months" -- but you don't need to keep scorecards and checklists, and you certainly don't need to get her to "perform" -- à la Scrum -- on anybody's schedule.

Just think of these checks as an early-warning protocol for potential (but unlikely) difficulties down the road -- nothing more.

I would ignore milestones and focus on helping them and you be in the "flow" as much as possible while physically together, and do your best to help to remove blockers as they present themselves. Just like you can't realistically estimate any engineering project, focusing on strict milestone delivery dates is focusing on the wrong part of the human development lifecycle.

You eventually get to the place where the milestones are so far apart you forget to care about tracking them and instead just assess things every now and again to get a read on whether you need to tweak your parenting style or whether your kids are getting what they need from their environment.

You should be aware of certain “minimum milestones” that are not average but signal problems that might merit intervention (I have a nephew that couldn’t talk or understand human language by age 3), but otherwise let your child develop at his own pace.

I have a 9 m.o. myself. Kid’s way out of whack, plays my (digital) piano somewhat convincingly (can’t hack notes and scales, of course, but alternates hands and sounds musical in a Cecil Taylor kind of way) but seems to be behind with the babbling. I mean, whatever — I didn’t sign up for a gifted child, I signed up for a child period.

It may help to remember the poem that says “your children are not your children — they’re sons of Nature…”

Put yourself in your daughter’s booties: what would you want from your parents? Probably love, kindness and support: so, ask yourself, what’s your best expression of love, kindness and support? For some parents, rigidly following a plan is that, for others, a free-wheeling “what feels right today?” approach is best.

Ultimately, you answer only to your daughter and not a doctor or a parent group or a 1000 week Plan. The only thing I begrudge my parents for is being miserable through my childhood, because children soak up their atmosphere.

Your daughter will be fine even if you ignore all these milestones, there is so much variability between kids that it causes lots of anxiety in parents.

You are most certainly good enough parents to give her a bright future. You seem to care! Continue to put in time and focus on the small things in your shared life. Read stories together, eat together, play etc.

If you want to really cure yourself of this, just get a few more kids ;-) First kid is always the biggest challenge and most associated stress around if they develop “right”.

You appear to already know it's awful?

When I first read it I thought the question was "is this parenting or scum'.. and I had already decided on the answer before realizing I misread. I'm certain your intentions are good but sheesh growing up in this household sounds like it's going to be torture. My 2 kids moved at wildly different speeds on different things. Good luck, as everyone knows it's a tough gig...

Ten fingers, ten toes, a healthy appetite and a smiling face are the metrics that matter.

Einstein allegedly didn’t talk full sentences until he was 5 years old … I wonder how freaked out his parents were or rather would be in this day and age!

Admittedly it’s hard not to track milestones as a parent; either out of paranoia or healthy curiosity.

I’ve had 5 children and each one of them developed at their own pace but that didn’t stop me from googling and checking milestones. I was able to trace my “fear” to seeing my grandma selflessly raise a mentally disabled cousin in an environment with zero support… and it took a toll on her. I remember thinking I don’t want to have children because I was “sure” I’ll be in the same position. I’ve obviously had more than a few but the fear never went away!

I’m saying all that to say - healthy curiosity is good and actually needed (I’ve seen parents in denial for example when the child truly need help - e.g speech therapy etc.) But equally important is addressing the source of irrational fears we sometimes carry with us.

PS: As a dev sometimes you can think you can somehow hack your child’s development but biology alway wins! Just keep them safe and watch them blossom.

I think focusing on making your kid smile and laugh is a much more productive use of your effort. You and the kid will be much happier. (Be honest, is there anything that makes you happier than hearing her laugh?)

If you make sure the kid is safe and happy and has some good opportunities and don't push, the rest will take care of itself.

I’m viewing this from the lens of a person raising a dog for the first time: there are ideals, there are wishes, there are acceptable outcomes and tradeoffs, there are goals, and there are a lot of material realities. A person (in the sense of a living, conscious being) is going to reach all of those, and more.

The best thing that’s happened for me with my pup has been to stop tracking what’s expected and start focusing only on who I know she is and can be. She continually exceeds those expectations.

I know it’s not the same as raising a human child, but I also know I would have benefitted from being raised with that disposition from my parents.

Relax, or try to. Your kid is great. The more she knows you have some trust in that, the more she’ll thrive and grow into herself. And unlike a pup, she’ll be increasingly capable of telling you how she can grow and thrive on top of that.

The thing I learned from our first child is that she’s going to be fine, she’s her own person, and she will be who she’ll be when she’s ready. My job as a parent isn’t to make sure she’s on track/time, my job is to help her be the best she can be. Once you start looking at it that way it’s very freeing.

> reasonable online resources has us tracking development in stints that seem to go about a month each

What resources? A month seems too granular, we were provided these from our pediatrician that have longer milestone ranges (cadence in scrum terms I guess):

https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/actearly/milestones/index.html

https://pathways.org/all-ages/milestones/

https://childmind.org/guide/parents-guide-to-developmental-m...

Parenting has gotten extremely neurotic in the last 20 years. I can’t help but roll my eyes at most of the advice that’s considered essential these days.

Even the daycare wanted to go through their educational curriculum for 2 years olds and I just said just keep them alive and having fun please.

Measuring time can be an evil. Like people who have to look at a clock in the morning to decide if they are still tired.

There is really just no need to measure milestones and compare them to a schedule. Development does not ever reliably follow one, just ask parents when their child first did X and you’ll get huge variations, often on years. The question is, what will you do if X is early or late? The answer is probably nothing besides what you would do anyway. Constantly stressing over it though and pressuring to meet some unreliable information with a questionably sourced timeframe is likely to cause problems.

Enjoy your child’s development, don’t turn it into a series of sprints.

All you need to do is be there and love your kid.

I don't know where you're getting your advice.

Milestones largely happen when corresponding brain areas mylanize (sp?) and sort of spring online. It's the best system you can fit through a small pelvis, and there's not a lot you can do about it other then offer them stimulation.

Every kid is different. You should only worry if your doctor tells you to. More than likely your child will lag behind some things and excel at others, and almost all of that evens out in the end.

The thing about your first kid is this-- just about the time you get in the rhythm of what's going on-- they change it up.

The second kid is easier.

No screens, only play with physical toys and play with people. You will be the 1% Also play outside in nature, in the dirt as much as possible.

Have fun, play, forget the metrics unless there is a obvious problem to watch.

No it's not: she'll exceed your expectation in some part (my 3yo can lie and seduce with perfect awareness, speaks okay in 3 languages with a very impressive English accent despite both non english parents) and disappoint in other (mine still refuses to brush her teeth on her own, she was late in pooping by herself cleanly according to milestone books).

Just let it go, focus on soft skills like being nice and patient, eat not too much crap and accept some authority and you'll be fine.

I have 4 kids aged 1 to 6. We've never monitored milestones that closely. What can monitoring really help with anyway? All of the kiddos we have were fast at some things and slow at others.

As someone else said, unless the kids are extremely behind at something and need professional assistance (which will be pretty obvious once they are in daycare or school), there is no point.

Take my opinion with a grain of salt as I’m a teenager, not a father (yet) but am indeed a son of two wonderful parents. I’d say track up to whatever you feel comfortable, maybe set relatively small and spaced out milestones for your child. I think the most important thing would be to be comfortable with your partner and of course have a happy child.

No one-year-old meets all the milestones at the same time; it's at least common wisdom among my family and friends that the kids who walk earlier generally talk later, and vice-versa. The important thing is that especially at this age they will imitate everything they see you doing, so do what you expect them to do.

Have another one and watch yourself relax. Don't fret. Kids are very variable, and most differences taper off as they grow older.

You two have too much time to micro-manage your child, have one or two more and the problem sorts itself out.

Watch out for obvious developmental problems, but other than that, relax.

Interesting; we went the other way with our doctor: only telling us metrics that we need worry about (there were none) like height/weight too high or low for the age etc.

Instead we just focused on having fun together.

9 months in - pay attention to what makes your kid smile, challenge them to take the next [roll, lift up, stand, step], and enjoy the ride because it will change before you know it!

We were like this with our first. Then our second came along and blew the first away in some areas and lagged behind them in others. That really put things in perspective.

Read 'The Scientist in the Crib' by Alison Gopnik. Not feasible to explain all complexities in a HN post but the above will be well worth your time.

Milestones?? I'm glad I was born as early as I was.

there are really only a few milestones they check for. These are really to know if there might be a cognitive deficiency etc.

I would not worry too much about it.

I’m two weeks in and wondering the same thing.