What should I do now as a middle aged developer feeling like a loser?

If you're going to optimize for money, optimize for money. I optimized for money for years and have no regrets. I'm now enjoying the fruits of that choice living in Asia and the amount of effort sacrificed was totally worth it.

You have a wife and kids now, I would heavily advise against E. (From the tone of your post it looks like you know this). This is what I do now, but I'm currently not optimizing for money.

C is doable. One leetcode question a day for five months then one month of hardcore interviewing will get you there without much sacrifice for family life. You can find that extra hour in your day by waking up an hour early. Remember, we're optimizing for money here, not short term happiness, if you feel frustrated every day trying to re-learn how to reverse a linked list, remind yourself that's the _correct_ feeling to have and it means you're moving closer towards your goal. The end result is a better life for your family.

D is basically C, except without doing one leetcode question a day. You still need to do a 1-2 months of hardcore interviewing. 80% of the effort for 1/2 of the results is a bad trade.

However, if you're _not_ optimizing for money, there's option F: move somewhere cheaper and work get a remote gig. I'm currently in Taipei and am friends with a lot of people who've made this decision. Some with families, some without, some single. The main thing we had in common was we valued autonomy over everything else. I have other friends who stayed in Canada/USA because they value extended family over autonomy, and that's OK too!

This sounds cheesy, but if you haven't already write down your 4-7 core values then make decisions based on those. Making decisions that align with my values has reduced my anxiety drastically.

You’re thinking about this the wrong way. Start thinking about how to do with less. A bigger house won’t make you happier, it’ll just take more money to maintain, and therefore more of your time. The more you work, the less time you have with your family. You feel like a loser because, somewhere inside you know you’re the sucker. Stop consuming so much. Stop wanting more. Think of ways to maximize what you have by minimizing the time you spend working. Maybe downsize that house. Maybe move somewhere else with a lower cost of living and work remote.

There is so much to unpack here I wouldn't even know where to start. First off, you think you're having a mental health crisis so you're going to HN for advice? Now on to you're specific scenarios....

A. "Aggressively move into management" Why do you even think this is an option? Do you really think the only reason you haven't gone into management is because you haven't decided to claim the seat that they've got just sitting there waiting for you? Management is a hierarchy so by definition there are fewer and fewer seats the higher you go up. If you want one you're going to have to beat someone else out for it. "The cons might be too much politics. People skills don't expire though" So you already think the only problem with management is "politics"? You're already starting out with a contemptuous attitude towards management that comes out in later statements.

B. Again, so you're so good at what you do that you can just decide to become a thought leader. It seems like you're assuming you're brilliant and the only ting that has held you back from being a thought leader is that you haven't applied yourself to the task but once you do success is certain. This doesn't jibe with your statement that you think you're a failure.

C. "I could easily make 2x - 3x my salary [at a FAANG]" You're going to get a job at a FAANG that easily? and get a 2x-3x salary bump for doing it. If it was that easy why the hell aren't you doing that now? LeetCode is what's holding you back? You don't want to take time away from your family, perfectly reasonable choice, but then you can't easily get a new job at a FAANG.

D. Again, you can just walk in anywhere AND get a salary bump? Again why aren't you doing that already. It's kind of the no brainer solution which wouldn't preclude any of the other options and you're not even leaning towards this one.

E. This is just pure fantasy.

If your day job is soul-sucking then at the very least go with option D, take your 1.2x to 1.6x salary bump and reassess.

>A. Keep the day job, and aggressively move into management. Safe and I know internal politics. The cons might be too much politics. People skills don't expire though.

This.

Play the "Game", take home a safe and regular paycheck, keep strict office hours, tune out after work to focus on Family and if you want to stretch yourself do Freelancing/Something on the side.

Have you considered not wanting a bigger house?

F. Get a remote position and move to a low cost & decent area. You’ll probably afford to buy a mansion with your salary with plenty left to truly focus on the family.

I would also work on some version of (b) and (e)

First, I want to say thank you to everyone who responded. I really liked what jameshush said about writing down my top values. After some thought, I think my top values are:

1. Kids - I will not do any job or business that will negatively impact our time.

2. Autonomy/freedom - In long run, I rather have more autonomy than money.

3. Money - This is not to say that money is not important to me but rather it is one of top 3 things I value. In short term, I need to optimize for money.

After thinking about my values and reading comments here, my plan is to combination of option A and C.

At my current company, I will start conversations with my management about moving up the ladder. And do whatever they suggest. This may take several months before they actually promote me to any leadership position, if they do. I have a lot of freedom at my current company, like I can run errands during day and catch up on work later etc. It is safe and there is possibility that in a couple of years, my salary can be close to FAANG engineers.

At the same time, I will do 30 mins of Leetcode/interview prep daily. This way if things don't workout, I will have something to fallback on. I will not stick with my company for vague promises of more money in future. If they don't offer me any concrete plan for my career progression, I will jump the boat as soon as I am ready for FAANG interviews.

> We need a bigger house, but we cannot afford it. We could have bought our dream home in 2020 but prices have skyrocketed in my area.

Have you considered moving to an area with a lower cost of living? You said you're at a major tech company. As far as I know, pretty much all of them are providing an option to work remotely and even locate out of state (assuming you're in the US).

> I am leaning towards option A or option E. What do you think?

What is your main motivation? You mentioned affording a bigger home. Is money the main issue? Do you enjoy the work you do? Do you want to work on other projects and maybe not what you're working on in your current team?

> A. Keep the day job, and aggressively move into management. Safe and I know internal politics. The cons might be too much politics. People skills don't expire though.

Based on the information you gave us in the post, this is a serious red flag. Being a manager is not easier than being an IC. As a matter of fact, the blast radius of performing "poorly" or being ineffective is much higher. You're not just going to let yourself down (assuming you even care), but you're potentially going to damage other peoples' careers. As a manager, not only will you work on roadmaps, but you're responsible for hiring and coaching your team. You need to identify their strengths and growth areas. You need to give them real opportunities, and you need to help motivate them.

If your focus is your side projects, this is train wreck waiting to happen.

E is dumb, d is pretty manageable but the cowards way out and c is the right answer. You are undoubtedly capable of working these jobs just for whatever reason you seem unwilling to grind out the interviews. Yep it sucks, and it takes a long time and it's hard but it's going to be life changing for you, and your family. So suck it up,put in the work and go get a job that pays what you are worth.

I'm of the same age, two kids as well. Totally normal to feel this way, so don't beat yourself up. Why not stick with B and then move to A down the road? Why give yourself the added stress right now? If you are at a major tech company, there should be room to move within the organization later on down the road as well. Also, don't worry about the careers of others, everyone moves through their careers at different rates.

On a side note, every job is going to have its soul-sucking aspects, no matter how amazing the position might look from the outside. Politics, stress, anxiety, etc are going to happen whenever people and emotions come together. Time with your kids is something you won't ever get back, maximize for this before anything else (especially since you seem to already have a good career). Separate the job from your life as much as possible, don't become your job so to speak. The time for side projects will come back. When I do get the time to work on a side project now, I find it much more enjoyable and I appreciate the slowness.

Keep in mind that E can occupy your mind a bit more than A. Im not a management type, but if you feel good about it go for it. As for l33t code just read couple of books, clean code, design patterns and pragmatic programmer. If you like to code choose a nice framework and get great with it. I understand its hard with kids, but think about it in diff perspective. If sacrificing one hour per day to learn new, well paid tech can get you to make same money or better money in just 4 days instead of 5 in one year, then maybe its worth it? Thats ethernal trade off. Putting more effort when its hard to enjoy early retirement. And keep in mind theres not that many joba where you can work from home and take care of your kids. Devs and it people (not the printer guys) are extremely privilleged we must admit it.

I recently found "D - Find a new job in my field" was effective for increasing my salary, reframing my outlook on life, and getting my swagger back.

Another option, that is simpler to manage is to get rid of items, junk, gear, objects, etc; you'll get plenty more space.

Improve the space you already have.

Are you using the room where you sleep or is it just used to sleep? Do you have a garden? Maybe build a small office space there? Do you have a big bathroom? Make it smaller? Do you have a garage? Park outside, use it for something else?

There are beds you can transform into something else or save space, etc

Getting a bigger house will not solve anything. You are chasing the wrong goal. I recommend getting therapy so that you can find out what is really going on. If you have enough money to have a home, food, health etc. but are still unhappy then it is not materialistic things that is the problem.

A - could be good depending on the timeline

D - even 1.2-1.6x is a pretty good raise, depending on what you make now. If you own your current house, that salary increase may be enough to afford a bigger place. May even be the option requiring the least amount of effort/extra time.

C. and take time from your current job to do the LeetCode. You want to leave anyway and there is high chance nobody even notices you work little less.

Also, FAANG companies are really big, there are a lot of teams with a good work-life balance.

I'm a mid-level loser with a family. Just coast in your current job.

Just about any house is big enough for a family of 4.

Can you relocate? Easiest way to save money on taxes and buy a bigger house.