Currently i'm living a very dark chapter of my life, and i can't do anything. Essentially i have anhedonia but also feeling guilty that i don't do anything. I want to do something like read a book, watch a movie, study for my degree, search for work, but my thoughts go directly to "It's pointless", "how reading a book will get you out of this mess, that's partly your fault?" (I appreciate that my depression doesn't put all the blame on me hahaha), "you will 100% fail", "you are broken and not like the others", "you can't defend yourself if someone is trying to abuse your rights." etc.
The only thing i do every day is go out and try to be surrounded by others in social settings all the time. It kinda relaxes me. Wake up -> staying in bed for hours browsing mindless things on SM -> go out and return early the next morning -> sleep. Repeat.
The difficult part is that my feelings enforce my thoughts and vice versa.
It takes a few weeks for anti-depressants to work. Also, you will probably need to vary the dose or try a few different meds. You should check in with your doc maybe three or four weeks in and increase the dose if it isn't working. The general effect that anti-depressants have is similar in most people but people experience different side effects so "best practice" involves keeping in touch with your doc and trying a few things until you find a good fit. This one works better than most others
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Venlafaxine
but I can't tolerate it because it makes my blood pressure go to 200/130. After a few years my doc suggested I stopped taking them, and tapered gradually. Depression and anxiety haven't dominated my life since then but I certainly did have some incidents like the day I couldn't stand the mess in the house, yelled at everyone in the family, and I got 40,000 steps cleaning without leaving the house. And that time I read a Robert Greene book, broke my gym bag hauling home most of the references home from the library, put it into practice, and got into some real misadventures.
Physical exercise, particularly cardio, is great by itself or as an adjunct to other treatment. When I was suffering from depression and unemployed I was doing two hours of cardio most days and it helped me get through. That's the kind of workload people do when they are training for a marathon and it might be too much for most people. Around 45 min to 1 hour you get a burst of endorphins which is powerful.
Some people find socializing with people is more satisfying than doing solitary things. I'm the other way, but instead of pushing yourself to do solitary things you should try to do more things with other people if that works for you.
Eventually, I came out of it on my own. I think following things helped:
1. I would cry out loud and pray. I am almost atheist but praying really helped. Almost every morning I needed to cry like a child and pray before getting out of the bed.
2. I didn’t quit my job. Really wanted to. This gave me a reason to get out of bed.
3. Music. I would listen to sad songs and cry out loud with them. Sometimes, I would cry for couple of hours before going to sleep.
4. Tried to not bailout of social situations but I did cut it a lot. It was very hard to put a fake smile.
5. Read a little about CBT and tried to unravel my thoughts.
I don’t remember how and when I got out of depression but I still suffer from anxiety. However, my depression is completely gone and I am a happy person now.
Look for work that doesn't stress you out, lets you have a schedule that you can stick to over time, and still provides you with some kind of income. Studying for your degree should be your long-term goal.
Stay away from social settings that may give you an initial boost but have after-effects and leave you feeling anxious, down, or depressed.
Engage in some physical activity that could help you regain your mental health. Looks like you can overcome your problems through sheer willpower alone.
Sorry I must dash away now!
1) scared of taking meds (this was very hard to overcome, but a doctor friend's reassurance helped me make that leap) 2) continuing to take them even when they don't seem to help much in first few weeks. (this was hard too) 3) the improvements were gradual, but the darkness ended for me about 4 weeks in. 4) kept regular touch with my doctor to see if adjustment was needed 5) 10 years on, darkness rarely return.
Hope this helps.
"If you don’t have a plan, you become part of somebody else’s plan - Terence McKenna"
If you don't feel up to reading that either I understand.
Life has a lot of chapters. It won't always feel the way it does right now.
Hang in there friend.