I am very lonely. I need the intimacy that is only present within a romantic relationship. But I cannot have that. I do not know why, but I cannot manage to attract any woman. Unfortunately I have lots of things playing against me. I am extremely unremarkable in both appearance and character, and to top it off I am also a foreigner in a strange land (a career move). I have no social life either. A big problem is that I very rarely meet women, despite going out loads and trying my best to be social. My standards are not high, but despite this I meet a good prospect maybe twice a year. 95% of the time it is an instant rejection. 5% of the time, they lose interest after a very short time. I wish I could know why.
Because of this, I have no will to live anymore. I am 30 and have never experienced mutual love. I feel like a slave working for the benefit of others, but not for myself. I could not care less about the money. I have no use for it. I am not materialistic at all.
The depression and total lack of motivation from this issue has already hurt my career in the past. I just do not know what to do. I feel like I have no good options. I cannot take the thoughts out of my head.
It could be that the way you're feeling extends beyond your romantic problems and you're suffering from depression. You might want to consider talking with a therapist about that. I never did, but I read a book called Feeling Great by David Burns and found it helpful.
As far as dating goes I would caution you about telling yourself too many stories about why you're single - these are likely to be just what they sound like, stories. Most people you meet aren't going to be romantically attracted to you, and thats ok! Thats part of being human.
Something that I found helped me to feel a little less negative while searching (almost entirely online for me) was to think of the person on the other end of the screen, and how even though we might not be a very good match they were probably also having a pretty bad time in the app and even if I couldn't see any end in sight to my loneliness I could extend some human kindness to these people and try to make that one experience a little better for them.
For me that was a real turning point. I found online dating easier and the rejection less painful. I also met someone really special shortly after that.
Another thing that makes me feel better when I'm lonely or feeling down in general is helping people. Especially anonymously, and with no way of them knowing it was you or returning the favor. Give it a try - it's delightful.
Hopefully something in there was useful. Even if not, I feel for you. And I care about what happens to you. Just because you feel this way today doesn't mean you'll always feel this way.
Take care friend.
It doesn't hurt to try dating during the time you are working on yourself. Try internet dating and go out with anyone even close to your standards. If it doesnt work out, at least you had some nice conversation and you might be able to ask them for feedback too.
I'll probably get some flack for this. You could try joining a pick up artist group/forum/etc. Just remember the cardinal rule: always leave them better than how you found them.
There's another "Ask HN" going on right now: "How do I get fit as a software engineer" [0]. My suggestions would be to start working on yourself. Getting fit/physical exercise will immediately produce beneficial physical and emotional changes. When I started working out I immediately felt more confident (as an example). It will also get you out of your head a little bit.
I don't have any dating advice, other than stop actively looking. Something about the smell of desperation is a turn off. Meet people organically.
The pandemics is a difficult time to look for romance, best of luck.
This is going to force your body and mind to rise to the occasion. You’ll feel the power start to build after forcing yourself a few times.
Next I would recommend a microdose of mushrooms before a walk on a trail on a Sunday morning. Get slightly out of your normal headspace and all these things that are conditioned on your psyche. You’ll feel clean mentally.
You both are and are not your thoughts at any point in time. Remember that.
I want to say thank you to all that have replied and given me suggestions.
To give some background. I made the post yesterday after I was rejected by some girl after she had heightened my hopes so much. To be honest, I even contemplated suicide yesterday. The weirdest thing just happened today. She changed her mind and we had a really fun day long date.
I know I still have issues being focused on my career without getting distracted from whatever is happening in my private life. Thank you all for chipping in and showing support.
i think millions of people experience this, so nothing to be ashamed of.
> I have no social life either. A big problem is that I very rarely meet women, despite going out loads and trying my best to be social.
This seems like a contradiction.
I guess you have been told this countless times, but stop searching.
Do stuff you want to do, try differrent sports, travel, arts through meetups or clubs. Join a charity.
If you do interesting stuff you have interesting stories to tell and that's what mskes you interesting. Be the man you want to be and the rest will hopefully come into place.
I would recommend being unapologetically you - do what you love outside of work and, I promise, you'll meet someone at your level of weird. Don't be ashamed.
- are you even capable of having and keeping friends, that's the baseline. not only of the same sex but also opposite sex. maybe you're putting them on pedestal, or not really valuing them, instead of treating them like humans.
- ask yourself if you're really putting effort in building relationships, or just trying to extract something out of it. are you getting to know them on a personal level? their interests and disinterests? are you chill and fun to be around, or tensed and stuck-up? are you consistent?
- fundamentals: are you observing proper hygiene? exercising or physically active regularly? getting enough sunlight? eating enough meats and veggies? are you consistently exploring the breadth and depth of things around your life?
- this post is cool, you're asking for ideas and feedback. as long as you're proactively taking action, continuously reflecting, and minimizing the times you're self-pitying, eventually you'll figure it out. would take months or years sure, but you'll get there.
You should meet more people. Just get to know them, until someone just clicks.
A LOT of people are in your situation men, women, new and old, pretty and ugly...
A friend of mine recently had success with online dating websites. He met a 25 year old blond, that you would say she would not have any problem meeting guys. But that's the current days, difficult to meet people. A lot of young people are looking for meaningfully connections. Friendship or love
I would avoid gyms, bars, and night clubs to meet people. Try more organized activities that promote individual and group, interaction and discussion. Like [meetup.com] or similar events websites: coding events, philosophy, social, boardgames, movie watch and discussion...
You sound like someone I might know. I hope I'm wrong, if I'm not please reach out.
Trick is, you have to be satisfied with yourself first and be happy living alone without setting any expectations upon yourself. Only then you can start searching for a partner who will further improve your life. There is no silver bullet, because this is a process and every person has to find solution by him/herself.
Have you tried multiple different activities even if you had no prior experience?
For example: animal shelters are really happy if someone comes by and offers to walk the dogs. You get to experience new things and possibly meet new people during the walks.
Try to search for activities where you are forced to spend some time with other people without any romantic agenda. Like sports activities, impro theater, Toastmasters communities etc.
Nothing to be ashamed of. My email address is in my profile. Please get in touch.
Why do you think that?
Brute force method.
Increase your search space, search online too, there are many apps like thaifriendly, brute force tinder with a bash script (2000 likes a day) etc. You will have lots of matches, most won’t really talk but eventually it’s jackpot. Try increasing distance and age range too, you are playing lottery. If you are very lazy, consider mail order bride or write an inmate.
I don’t have advice on maintaining a relationship, but this will get you laid.
Don’t talk to them about depression, loneliness or negative topics, avoid talking about sex too. If they ask, you are single for 1.5 year. Don’t worry, everybody lies.
As for depression and suicidal thoughts, talk with a psychologist about that.
There is no code to being successful at dating, only the knowledge that comes from experience. The sooner you can get experience, the sooner you’ll make mistakes and learn from them.