My friend made it big. How to handle?

Hahahaha I faced this exact problem as well, very good friend of mine since high school, one of the blockbuster ipos last year. Guys a billionaire

Not sure if my advice will change anything or even help but this is sort of how I handled it

1. Recognize that it's only natural to feel that way. It's not that your not happy for him and want him to fail, but your more concerned with your own progress given where he is at life. I think that might stop you feeling like your a shit person for feeling bad

2. Your problem is you feel like your wasting your time so do something about it. If you do come to the conclusion that there's not much to be done, you'll probably feel better as well. Personally I spent a lot of time reflecting on what I was doing and quit my job for my own startup. Although it wasn't a complete failure, I'm definitely financially worse off than if I had stuck to my job, but all feelings of jealousy I previously had to my friends who struck it rich doing startups were gone, since you appreciate the opportunity cost they had to give up had they chosen to go for some high paying job like banking.

When I was poor I did odd jobs for a friend who'd made it big and was now a millionaire. I thought he had it made, until one day I heard him complaining about a friend of his who'd made 50 million. Then I realized that in spite of his huge house, fancy cars and so on, he was still consumed with jealousy and bitterness around matters of money.

If you've got a decent roof over your head, access to good healthcare and a car that runs reasonably well, you're doing better than a huge portion of humanity.

Don't look up and wonder why you're not there, look down and wonder how you can help.

This has the added benefit of allowing you to not drive yourself crazy.

People who get stinkin' rich off startups won an extremely high-effort lottery. If they had won the same amount of money on an actual lottery ticket, would you be sitting there thinking you are wasting your life and should have put your time into buying lottery tickets?

Just live your life. If you don't like where you are, do something about that. But don't compare yourself to others. In general, it isn't helpful.

Say congratulations and just go back to normal.

Multimillion dollar payouts are so rare that if you make that the goal then you will most likely fail. Chances are that your current job is a reasonable definition of success.

I was an early employee (#20-something) of a startup that was acquired. The founder received 1 billion, the 2 other founders received 100 million each.

I got about 80 grand that took 4 years to vest.

You have to be grateful for the opportunities and experiences you’ve acquired and be honest with yourself—-I didn’t take the risks they did and since I was pretty junior at the time, wasn’t as influential as others.

There's an MFM podcast with founder of Hubspot. He says something pretty sensible along the lines of the first $1m makes a huge difference to your life, the first $10m even bigger, after that it's irrelevant. The basic point being you can only sleep in one bed a night, eat 3 meals a day and so really you only need to get to $10m and your life is transformed.

Above and beyond how to not be jealous, it might be worth considering how to also be a good friend. I imagine everybody this guy knows now has had a similar reaction and he may not have many real friends left (maybe I'm wrong) who can treat him the way they did before the money. Some people let wealth become their whole identity though, so if that's what he's doing it can be hard to connect.

I have had a couple of my college buddies startup and work on their own and become wealthy, the side effect of this was their attitude change and entitlement and them looking at me differently because i was working a job. At some point, i decided to cut my ties with them because they had utter disregard to my life context and why i had to choose a job over starting up. I still want to work on my own, but my responsibilities,dependencies and life context is different, which is why i continue to work a job to save and buy some time to do things on my own. I will take time, meanwhile they can bask in their glory. Unfortunately, they don’t have a place in my life. Just sharing my experience here.

Read about stoicism and comparing yourself to others. I think no good comes from it, even if it gives you the motivation to succeed, the source of that motivation is external.

Background: many of my former colleagues and team members have made it big. Really, 7-10 figures, big.

Firstly, it is not a lottery. There are several hygiene factors like being smart but the key differenting factor they all share is likeability. They all work well in teams and/or have been able to sustain a team of friends working through literal decades of moderate success and failure. This skill I do not have and that’s why I’m “merely” comfortable in my life.

Secondly, recognize you can’t jump over yourself. You are the sum of all the actions you have ever taken. Had you made different choices and not “wasted” your life, you’d be a different person now. Maybe a worse person?

Thirdly, everything in life has a price. People demonstrate success and hide the price. Children are awesome but are hard work and a huge amount of mental stress. A startup is a mental commitment taking a huge toll. Knowing the price of his success you are unlikely to be willing the price, trust me on this. It’s like a marathon: you are happy when you’re done and get a medal, but making yourself run one knowing the hurt coming your way is a different matter.

Interesting, one of my best friends from HS (and still close friend) made it 'big' and I had a very different reaction.

Now it might be because my friend made only two digit millions and not three, but it was shocking to me that after all his 80 hour work weeks for years and years, he ended up with a very similar lifestyle to myself and other well paid tech professionals.

Sure he doesn't have to work but he wants to. He has a very fancy big four bedroom house with a large yard and view, I have a smaller but still quite nice four bedroom without a view. My house isn't in as prestigious of a neighborhood, but very nice. He is in the 'top of the line' neighborhood. Same county, fifteen minutes from my house though.

He drives a 200k luxury car, I have an entry level luxury car. He flies first class or charters a private flight, I vacation in coach. We can go vacation at the same places, eat at the same restaurants, watch the same TV shows, etc.

Financial freedom is certainly nice, but it's interesting how the lifestyle changes going from a net worth of ~1-2M to ~50M is not that different?

From his perspective, all of his friends and family are now going to treat him differently. Some of them will be resentful. Some will wonder why he isn't being more generous with his money. Fortunately, you don't have to think about any of this stuff.

Recognize that those millions probably have very little impact on his actual happiness, and don't let them steal your happiness.

Life isn't a leaderboard. Assuming you're making a comfortable tech salary, you probably already have as much happiness as money can buy. Give your energy and attention to other things.

It's important to understand what's troubling you the most. The money or the status/class?

If it's the money, 100 million is hard to make; you probably have to play with somebody else's money. But if it's the fact that he's a founder/employer/boss and doesn't have a job in the traditional sense, like you do, that's a difference easier to reduce.

You don't have to start a company, raise money, hire people just to become your own boss. Being a freelancer or contractor will change your relationship with the people who pay you. Your dependence on them will decrease and you will have to refer to them as your clients.

Even though your business will have different sizes, you and your friend will be both business owners. It's like if he would have a very expensive car and you would a cheap one(instead of taking the bus), you'd both probably complain about the traffic.

A bit of envy and competition is not bad, can be motivating. You just have to try to keep it reasonable, to not let it take over.

Money isn't everything. It is true that at this point in your life you seem to be using money as the sole yardstick by which to compare the relative worthiness of others against yourself. Having spent significant time with very wealthy individuals in the past, I can tell you that most of them are unhappy. The conspicuous consumption for which they're infamous is one way for them to paper over the inner void which sucks joy out of their lives.

You'll need to learn to see beyond the superficial. Money and status are fleeting in the grand scheme of things. What else do you have going on?

We’re all on different journeys that have differing emotional, financial, physical, and spiritual characteristics.

Your friend just happens to have a journey with different finances than you.

However this person still needs all the other things during their journey that your friendship can give.

Watch this video:

https://youtu.be/3LopI4YeC4I

Talent and hard work is not responsible for successful moonshots. They are often the prerequisites. But the ultimate disproportional success is achieved through sheer luck.

You might get lucky yourself or you might not. But it shouldn't make you feel any worse about yourself than hearing that your friend won the lottery, if you buy a ticket every now and then yourself.

It must be difficult to see it so close.

I've been feeling a mild/medium case of the same thing just from the general news.

Every other story is about a bitcoin multi-millionaire, or companies I've never even heard of and that don't seem all that impressive, valued in 100s millions, NFT's sold for millions, etc, etc.

Most of it seems relatively un-earned/un-deserved, to me.

It all just completely devalues the 'real money' you get paid for full, hard 8+++ hour days and makes you wonder, why bother.

It wouldn't be so bad, but you just know some of these 'highly successful investors/entrepreneurs' might get to positions where they're demanding you change the button background color to fusia, now!, or you're fired! etc.

I have a “rule” for myself and I believe it has served me well: I avoid comparing myself against others. I think this is a sound approach. I try to do the things that I believe in and make sense in my life.

Most everyone I considered a friend who "made it big" simply moved to a different social circle.

Self-correcting problem, I guess. ;-)

It's not surprising in tech to have co-workers who are fabulously wealthy. Usually if they're still working then it's no different than working with anyone else. One thing I like about rich tech workers is they often buy cool cars (like a McLaren I saw a day or two ago) and park them at their companies or around town.

lol ask if he's hiring - for a friend, of course.

and if he's been in a different economical strata than you for a while and it hasn't changed things on his end, sounds like you have a real friend. don't screw that up over financial jealousy.

Having worked with three digit millionaires: they’re not thinking of you, so stop thinking of them.

lol - you gotta get over that. Would you feel like you’re wasting time in your job if he was broke or the startup was struggling? Probably not.

As time goes on, this happens more. I have friends who are like this and I have no jealousy or envy towards them. Sure, it’d be great if I had all that money - but what good does that feeling do? Unless you can turn this feeling into actionable steps that improve your wellbeing - stop thinking about it. It’s completely worthless otherwise. Comparison is the thief of joy.

Someone else’s success is not your failure. The two are not mutually exclusive.

Luck and timing has a much higher factor in success than pure hard work.

Here comes an unpopular opinion: Learn from it and act on it.

If you are young and smart, building a business is just so much more fun than doing a normal job.

Stop wasting your time. Go to twitter and search for '#buildinpublic'. Follow the journeys of other people for a while. It does not need a hundred million dollar company to outperform a regular job. It just needs a nice online product that brings in more than a job.

Check out this essay by Paul Graham:

http://www.paulgraham.com/todo.html

His summary of life: "Don't be a cog".

You still have all the options to not be a cog.

Money is a poor metric for determining your overall success or failure. Particularly if you don't elect to take full command if your economic output by going solo and instead working for others.

I choose to run a startup. My motive is to improve the world and the lives of others. Which is much harder to measure. Money is trusted to this, but not the only measure. I'd rather make less in many instances and improve things more because this fits my goals.

I advise to re center yourself in your own life goals. The only person it makes sense to measure yourself against is yourself.

I had the same problem. I felt so much better after i expressed how i felt to my friend. It is ok to feel that way, its compeletly normal. Don't try to overcome it, just ack that its normal and move on.

Most people here don't and won't get it. I'd say just do what you have to.

To me, if I never tried, that's a failure. To most people, who have never been "cursed" with a super successful friend or relative, they fail when they fail. But to me, failure is at least an end to the curse.

It's an entirely different place. That's why many suicides come from middle class kids failing exams and a lot of divorces come from businesspeople. There's that calling and you'll be forever miserable at whatever you do until you make the leap.

I'd add also: if your friendship is important to both of you it's also up to your friend to handle this properly. If your friend doesn't care, then stop calling it friendship and move on.

Life is a marathon, not a sprint. The fact he made it big now says nothing about his or your future.

You are feeling envious. Learn to use it productively.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPhrTOg1RUk

It's natural to have such thoughts along with the feelings they bring. However, you should reflect on the following instead of thinking about 'why not me?' as the latter would cause only suffering.

"Oh mind, his present life and success is based on the choices he had made and ours is similarly based on the choices we had made (here we is collectively referring to you and your mind since you're having a conversation together). It's possible that we could have made similar choices but it's not guaranteed to have similar success as 99% of startups fail so we chose a safer alternative which most people choose anyway."

Now count your blessings (things you have in current life like family work-life balance, hobbies, trips etc.) that have been facilitated by your path.

Finally, "Oh mind, if you think we should also try the other path, are you ready for the risks, struggles, compromises and lack of any guarantee of success it holds?" and reflect on the worse that can happen. If your mind is fine with that, you can plunge into the new path.

But, wait for at least a week and see if the mind still holds the same enthusiasms; it's one thing to get influenced by something and take an impulsive decision while sticking on one's decision is a different ballgame

When I was at AOL in the mid-90s, I got stock options on multiple occasions, always with a four year vesting period. In 1997, the environment became so toxic there that I could no longer stay.

I later calculated that if I had been able to stay, and kept all my options and cashed them in at the height of the market, I would have made $16m.

But my life and my sanity are worth much more to me than a measly $16m.

Sure, you can look at the money. But you also have to look at your life and what it’s doing to you.

I'd be very impressed and also be very envious but your life will go on regardless of what your friend does. You need to live for yourself and earn for yourself unless he's willing to toss a few million your way.

I had a neighbor who won BIG on the lottery but it was their undoing in the end. You can congratulate them and then go back to your regular interaction. How they change is entirely up to them.

One perspective is that on average if you stopped random punters in the street and asked them to list their ten biggest problems then you might find 5-7 of them can't be fixed with money - eg friend or relative very ill/dying, child not motivated at school, spark gone from marriage etc etc.

That sort of puts perspectives on it.

Think your friends got very lucky (like someone with a Powerball jackpot), cheer for them then move on. Maybe you will do a bit of self-reflection but you know 95% of startups fail so continue with your current job is not a terribly bad idea. Unless you truly detest your job then you should change it anyway.

There's nothing that rich people can do that is so amazing.

Any girls that like him because he's rich are gonna be deadweight or negative in like 5-10 years. Any of the food, you can get great food for $10-$50. Drinks who cares. Working out, costs essentially nothing. Travel, you can easily do it and have a great time while working remote. I went snorkeling in costa rica and it was free. Coffee -- best coffee can cost like $5. Drugs -- dead end. Also don't even cost much.

Nothing about his lifestyle is substantially better. The only thing that is better is that he doesn't have to do stupid jobs if he doesn't want to. You can get to the same spot by getting a solid job, investing well, living a reasonable lifestyle. If you have 300k saved up you can take whatever job you like that comes your way.

choose to feel inspired not jealous. choose to think: "I like what he's got. How can I get some of that, too?" Then choose to go after it!! :)

Jealousy is never the right word. Feeling of loss is. Losing faith in yourself and losing a close friend. Buddies will always be buddies but it will be harder to connect from now on. Most likely will never be like it was. True connection happens between peers.

Just let go. Nothing to do there.

Lots of good advice here about how to handle your feelings.

I'll add one more idea: it might help you to consider your friend's feelings. How is this affecting him?

Becoming wealthy rapidly is obviously a great problem to have, but it can also be an extremely disorienting problem. Friendships change (as you know), relationships break down. Some people are ruined by success - they fall out with friends, marriages collapse, drink and drugs etc

It's like gravity was switched off for you only, but you still have to walk on the ground.

I'm saying this not to help your friend but because it might help you handle this, if you can understand his challenge.

Though, if you do understand, then maybe you can be a good friend.

ah, thats just at first.

you two are dealt with different cards in life. different upbringing, different plates, different problems, and even different luck.

it's okay to contrast and compare, gotta see life as it is, lol. but you gotta factor in things that are out of our control.

gotta make something out of what we have. regardless if we make it that big or not, an ounce of appreciation of what's infront of us really goes a long way.

nothing wrong in striving towards comfort and luxury, nothing wrong in being a little salty on how others get it easier (some are even born to it, right lol). just see and live life as it is.

Sounds like he didn’t actually have a liquidity event? In which case, his net worth is mostly paper money, so while I’m sure he’s doing nicely and I wish him for this money to become real money eventually, it is just not the case at this point, so he’s probably not as crazy rich as you’re thinking. At this point, he probably can only liquidate some of it with board approval, and can’t do it too much because of the signaling risk that comes with it.

I have a really good friend that made it big.

I don’t make a big deal about it. I still meetup with him from time to time and he gives me great tips and advice to get started.

Work on yourself until you are genuinely happy for him.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-KSryJXDpZo

Personally, I enjoy stories, parables, the dialectic when it comes to such things. S1 E4 of Billions (TV, 2016) Axe takes his childhood buddies to a private rock concert (and one friend does something stupid with some trading info he overhears).

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt4704400/

Why are you comparing yourself to your friend? If you want to be happy, don't compare because there will always be people who are better off than you.

Congratulate him and make him a mentor :)

PS: Also, it is his "net worth". That term is very loaded. It means he is not actually big, but is being projected as big.

You’ve already got it figured out - be happy for him. Some of the best advice I’ve heard is “someone else’s success isn’t your problem”.

We all know that financial success isn’t the measure of a life. So take it to heart. And that means your job and whether it’s a waste is a completely different matter entirely.

Recommend this book that gives a balanced view of the perks and problems of being super-rich

https://books.google.com/books/about/Jackpot.html?id=9vvtDwA...

On the flip side, you could’ve tried to do a startup and burned yourself out beyond recognition, only to have it fail. Even if you told yourself that you at least had to try. There can be regret on both sides. Only a very small percent actually strike gold.

Don't ask your friend for money under any circumstances.

Stay friends and learn to deal with it. As you get older you'll encounter a lot more people who have done "better" than you.

Finally, you can take my grandfather's advice: "wealth is in the brain"

Would you feel this way if he'd won big after buying a lottery ticket, or received an inheritance from a family member?

He took a risk (potentially, maybe he's the founder, maybe it's equity) and it paid off. It could just as equally not have.

Move somewhere you're much richer than the average.

I am in the same boat except my coworkers are not millionaires or so but they all got promoted and I am stuck with my role for 5 years now.

Unless there's been an unfavorable change in attitude among you, there should be nothing to actually "handle".

1) Please read Fooled by randomness book. Your friend won Russian Roulette. You want to try too?

2) Your friendship is essentially over. Cherish the past and let him go. Find friends in near about your income bracket. Better if they are poor than you by some margin

3) Read Stoicism

4) Focus on you and your family's wellbeing. Blood is thicker than water. So stop wasting time on who is digging hole where and how much deep and look after your hole and start digging your own hole. Metaphorically !

many, i dunno, but i feel like if i ever hit it big or evenly mildly big (say, $10M), i'd prob be handing that stuff out.

to at least everyone who i owed in one way or another, any/every friend, family, etc.

of course, politics/organizing/etc.

but i guess it could be really tricky.

Recognise the fact that he was in the right place at the right time. If a few things outside his control were slightly different, he would have come away with little to show for his effort. He is the outlier, not you.

Hard work leads to a comfortable life (if you don't start with a disadvantage). Hard work and luck leads to a windfall. No luck means no windfall.

I've learned this through observation, as I was in a team of about 12 who developed and demonstrated the first OFDM WiFi system. After the initial project ended, we went different ways and there was a huge spread in payout (2000x) over subsequent years. It's proof to me that you can't define "wasted time" in terms of subsequent windfall. Despite the differing rewards, we all did the same work. had an equal part in the experience and get to say "I did that".

Other examples show that some of the most valuable work doesn't result in windfalls. How many of the scientists who developed vaccines, which have saved millions of lives, have several hundred million dollars to their name? I'd guess approximately zero.

If my friends startup made it big I would be angry that I didn't start my own

Ever since you were born, there have been people with unfathomable wealth. Statistically speaking, you stand a good chance of rubbing shoulders with a number of them throughout your lives. Money is always passing to somebody, whether that's an heir, or a plucky kid with an idea, it's always going to change hands at some point.

Your plan for your life hasn't changed. Sure, a friend may have hit it big. Well, bully for them. But you weren't expecting that, and truth be told, they likely weren't either when you first became friends. You're still on the path that you were on, dead-end job or ideal career, nothing has changed for you in any long-term way.

Perhaps it isn't so much dissatisfaction of your own life, but more that you're realizing the flaws of capitalism. You likely have to work your butt off to make ends meet, whereas he's got more wealth than you could spend in several lifetimes living as an average person.

The good news, if he came from somewhat humble beginnings, there's a good chance he's going to be reinvesting that money into creating jobs, opportunities and maybe even new niches or whole industries for people to benefit from. If he doesn't—well, did you really want friends like that in the first place?

Regardless of what you might think, money probably isn't going to make you happy. Neither is having lots of nice things or being surrounded by fake friends who are only pally towards you because you've got digits in a database somewhere.

We all end up in the same place eventually. Be grateful of what health you have, what health people you care about have, and enjoy your moment in the sun, not jealous, hateful. Here today and gone tomorrow. Who knows when your number is going to come up? So just live and give the things and people your precious time which you feel genuinely deserve it.

If he’s not a dick about it… there is nothing to handle. Get your T level checked if you’re a guy.

I think of this when I have a FAANG job in the six figures but people make millions flipping shit on Amazon.

I had a friend like this and another friend who was/is massively Instagram famous. I had absolutely no idea in either case until years later. I guess they weren’t very close friends lol.

unfriend him ?

if you really want to compare: does your blood sweat and tears match his? i mean, compare the input as well, not just a small part of the visible output.

You probably can't be friends with him anymore. You can be social and "know" him, but the differences between the ultra-rich and the masses impact every aspect of life and preclude a deep social connection.

The good news is that $100M+ is such a ridiculously large number that humans can't really do a good job of imagining what that means, so the psychological impact is less than if you found out your friend was worth $5M.

Just keep in mind that humanity is in the process of extincting itself due to irreversible climate change and the repercussions of that, and if his startup isn't helping with that, then it doesn't matter.

Also, both you and him, and most of us here, will be dead within a hundred years anyway, so don't get too hung up on what's happening now, as for the most part it'll be as if neither of you ever existed anyway.

I think the underlying, subconscious question is: if they are not sharing any of that wealth, would you still consider them a friend?