Started: - lifting weights (sent on for two years before stopping due to covid gym closures) - running - reading recreationally (discovered I really enjoy sci fi), prior to that only read learning material like textbooks and documentation.
The list goes on. I am in a constant state of reinvention. Deep down I am also miserable and always have been, hence the self medication, the constant quitting, and being in a seemingly permanent exploratory phase. I'm in my 30's and thought things would have made more sense by now. I can only superficially relate to others, even conversations with my 'best friends' are basically just small talk. I thought I was depressed but despite repeated visits to mental health professionals, none have been able to help: sessions amount to them just nodding and go 'wow... Well guess we'll see how you feel next visit' untiI I eventually stop going.
Sorry if my post seems negative, the previous paragraph just sort of... emerged as I was reflecting on the things I've quit over the last few years.
I read "Crucial Conversations" around the time I turned 35 and it changed how I manage conflict in my relationships. These days I always first try and understand why someone is upset (pro-tip: it's frequently not what they lead with).
It just meant they expected even more, and being a cog in a giant machine meant my contributions were averaged out by those who did the bare minimum (or worse).
It was easy once I became disillusioned with my area of work...
I'm in some intermediate state right now.
I started by learning how to do breath meditation. It is a basic attention exercise when I put all my attention into my breathing, in the belly or at the nostrils, the same way I pay attention to where paintbrush touches the paper.
I then committed myself to immediately start breath meditation whenever I found myself annoyed. I practiced primarily in three areas: loud and high-pitched noises, waiting for something, and work meetings. Anytime it happened, I would, internally, go into putting my attention to my breath.
After a while, I noticed that my "catch" would happen sooner. When I was first starting out, it would happen when I was already full-on feeling annoyed. But then I started catching myself when I was "beginning to get annoyed", and then when "about to begin getting annoyed".
Eventually, my emotional response to these annoying events, which I now believe to be largely learned, has become unwired, and I no longer experience that feeling, emotional state, and all the debilitating consequences.
Sure, it still happens now and then. And I'm still bothered by noises which are too loud-- I wear ear plugs often. But overall, this has been a huge deal in terms of changing my "quality of experience" day-to-day.
Now when I exercise, it's to be healthy, not to chase some dream of "perfection" that my mind wouldn't be able to recognize even if I managed to reach it.
Now when I eat, it's because I enjoy the experience, not because I'm trying to cram 5,000 calories down my throat in a day.
Now when I look in the mirror, it's to make sure my clothes match, not because I'm focusing on all the "progress" I haven't made.
Might not sound like a big deal, and to most people it probably isn't, but it changed my life completely.
Let it be known that a truly good manager accepts when they were wrong and promotes despite differences, whereas a micromanager is insecure about something in their own job resulting in pushing their bad decisions down.
Sure, it will cause friction and will affect your career but your career is busted anyway because a micromanager will never acknowledge that they were wrong. Following their prescribed path only reinforces their large egos.
At least you can sleep well at night knowing that you did your job with integrity.
Age sneaks up on you, I am really not prepared for getting old. The upside is you naturally start to care less as you get older.
Took someone telling me to think of carbohydrates like heroin before I realized that the strong desire I have not to become painted as a drug addict could be reframed as a reason for me to give up carbohydrate consumption
This year I started Meatless Mondays.
It took a lot of small changes, but a key for me was careful regulation of light. I started with a light-based alarm clock, which was useful. These days I have automated lights that dim in the evening and come up in the morning. It turns out I'm just not a responsible lightswitch user; if I leave manual lights on I'll stay up way later and then feel bad the next day. In retrospect, I felt bad a lot, but it was my baseline so I just rolled with it.
These days I'm more even-tempered, more energetic, more productive. I'll still enjoy an occasional very late night, but I'm always careful to return to my usual sleep schedule as soon as possible.
I get up and start work immediately (work from home) and get in 3-4 hours of focus time before meetings start and it's made me a lot more productive. The morning momentum also carries over to the rest of the day and I get more done then too. I would recommend such a window to everyone although unfortunately it's not possible for most. When the winter comes I'm afraid the sun coming up later will make me get up later and may invest in some sort of timed light in my room to slowly turn on at the time I want to get up.
It worked. I haven’t touched Red Bull for over a month. I drink coffee again, but with more moderation.
I think it’s made me more pragmatic.
- cigarettes - cocaine - caffeine
Each of these was a particularly nasty habit to get rid of, but they're gone and its been years since I've been near any of them. I'm better for it.
I'm actively trying to cultivate a walking habit, but it's hard to make it stick.
For coffee and wine I'm certainly on the "addicted" spectrum if you were to measure. From time to time I test staying without one or the other for a month or so (for coffee for example I used the "excuse" of whitening my teeth), but tbh I've never seen any of the acclaimed benefits of reducing consumption. So I enjoy them.
Working on my communication style. If/when I crack the code, I'll be happy to share.
No shit on people that play video games. It was consuming my life, so I cut it out.
At 31 I'd gotten to 220lbs which, on my frame and at my activity level, meant obese. So I started walking a 5k trail near the office 3x a week. After a couple months I started jogging it (C25k style but not the actual C25k plan). By that point being out there was just routine, so why not run it? That was 8 years ago, and other than some stretches of time where I was recovering from an injury (so far only one caused by exercising, an impinged shoulder, the rest were caused by other things like car accidents) I've been a reliable exerciser and runner since.
A habit I broke was video games. I'd play games until 2-4am and then be exhausted the next day. In retrospect, they were a way of keeping my mind occupied while I was suffering from severe depression so I wasn't really alone with my thoughts. Then they became a routine or habit even after I'd recovered from depression, but were still negatively impacting my life because I was still putting in the crazy long hours. Mostly I substituted other activities like running or exercising generally, reading, spending time with friends socially, or more productive uses of the computer like programming. Exercising actually helped a lot because I was simply too tired most days to even consider staying up late playing a video game, even if I was enjoying it I had to turn it off and sleep because I was dozing off.
In this case, it was mostly the realization and acknowledgement that the video games were consuming too much of my time (and health) that led to a rather rapid change in habit. The various time fillers changed over the years, but I dropped video games practically overnight.
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EDIT to add
Journaling. I've tried a few times, and largely failed. I've found it helpful especially for dealing with stressful periods or depressive episodes. Just expressing my thoughts on paper gets them out of my head and the "dwelling" stops or is reduced which reduces my overall anxiety level or elevates my depressed mood a bit. But, like many people's efforts at dieting, I only did this for a period when I needed it and then stopped. When my mood worsened it "snuck up on me" and I'd have to rebuild these helpful routines.
I, recently, started journaling with a 5-year journal that only offers 5 or 6 lines per day. It's more of a log, but this also makes it easier to keep up with. I don't want a blank entry (at worst I fill it in a day late). This makes keeping a long form journal somewhat easier to maintain since it doesn't need to be daily or some other regular period, it can be weekly or even monthly, or following a major event (something deeply impactful to my life or my friends or family for instance).
2. I used to brush my teeth once a day. Now I brush my teeth after every meal.
3. Exercising everyday. I now spend anywhere between 10 minutes to 90 every day for exercising.
4. Social media. I was a victim of doomscroll. And I identified that it was more of a symptom than a cause, but it is also a cause in itself. If you want to avoid doing something, if you go for a walk, or read something, sooner or later you'd get back to it. Here's where peer-to-peer media is exceptional. There is no end of content. And procrastination takes up most of your day. I limited social media use to 30 inutes a day. The same time everyday. I don't pull up my phone even wjen standing in queue, or while cooking. Much better time management and concentration.
5. For five hours or so have been drinking water immediately after I wake up.
6. Made myself able to think objectively, see nuance and be empathetic. I was very jidgemental before.
Point 4 credit goes to Cal Newport. He is the only self-help writer I can marginally tolerate. I did not read Atomic Habits or Power of Habits.
I realized that one of the best ways to form new habits ws was to hook new habits to already existing habits. This is nowadays called "habit association".
Make no mistake that I am only partially successful. I have failed in forming a lot of habits. I sm only sharing the good parts.