Thanks for clicking. I hope I won't waste your time.
It's been some time since I've been struggling with depression. But something else happened for the last two months. I quit my job due to burnout. I couldn't handle the stress anymore and I felt it was a really toxic place.
Fast forward today... I'm still depressed and I still retained many addictions (porn, internet, smartphone, eating at late hours, excessive amounts of coffee) I have developed during this pandemic and working from home.
I still need to get a job eventually, but my brain doesn't let me have a break. I just feel guilty most of the time. If I try to sleep in the afternoon I still wake up panicked about where my life is going.
I tried practicing leetcode lately but I tend to panic and have feelings of guilt when I don't seem to know something trivial. I feel like I've become just a dumber version of myself while having a salary.
For the last 5 years I've been coding in C++. I simply don't want to see CMake anymore. I feel like I missed a lot of exciting stuff in other fields such as Data Science, ML, Cloud computing while I was just looking at compiler flags and treating signals, not even doing embedded, just system programming. I've been looking into Python and Go lately for a change, but I don't feel any real motivation.
Thanks for reading. I really could use some advice. I'm sorry if I wasted your time.
Eat breakfast when you get up, lunch around noon and dinner at 18:00, even if the meals are just small ones. Healthy food is better, but it’s the schedule that’s important.
Try to do the housework as you notice it. See a dirty dish? Clean it right away. See dirt on the floor? Vacuum it. But do it in small bursts where you don’t exhaust yourself. It’s perfectly fine to just vacuum the parts where you noticed the dirt and not the entire room for instance.
Try to keep your mind on whatever your doing. If you’re vacuuming you’re vacuuming. You’re not vacuuming while thinking about your finances.
Take a long walk each day, preferably in nature. Figure out which time is the least stressful for you. For some it’s morning, others it’s evenings, and others it’s not the same time each day but changing.
Stop worrying about your future. Whenever you get the dark and worried thoughts, tell yourself that things will work out. (This bit is going to feel stupid until it doesn’t).
Take some time out each day to give yourself compliments, possibly in front of a mirror. (This bit is asleep going to feel stupid until it doesn’t).
Don’t beat yourself up if you go days without doing any of these things, or anything in general. It’s perfectly ok to have “non-days”, especially when you’re depressed.
All of these things are hard to learn, and learning them and staying motivated with them while they are not working is easier if you get therapy.
Can I suggest the obvious? Therapy. We developers try to believe that everything that goes through us is rational, but it could be that unprocessed emotions are clouding your mind and making things harder for you. A Therapist might have trouble with computers but understands emotions very well and might help you to understand what you want and what really bothers you.
It is very hard to go through this alone and they can be the helping hand for us. If you have very good relationship with your family, partner or friends, that can be helpful as well, as long as it is positive and you feel heard. It is normal to also hit roadblocks and end up in a similar situation as you, having the right support should help you to cross this path.
Another thing I've noticed is that you have a big tendency to depreciate yourself and have extremely high expectations for you. Leetcode problems are hard and many trival things(like remembering how to calculate a median) isn't something everybody remember. You don't need to know it all. Also to receive a salary you don't need to be the very best of your field, you just need to do some work and your part. We aren't robots.
I am also having a hard time during the pandemic, if you feel like talking feel free to reach me out. I actually envy a lot C++ devs and their flags even though I know "cloud computing" ;-).
These pointa help me to not get in this situation again.
It's certainly not CMake. It could happen with Jupyter notebooks or Monoids.
That you wield tools with which you can do a lot doesn't mean you literally can do everything. The purpose of life is replication and you need to figure out how to leave your mark. As other commenters suggested, a family is a practical way to address this. Or write a book, or run classes in your community college, or contribute to OSS.
Keep on doing what you are good at, don't try to be a carpenter. Just don't do it for your ego, or you will end up lonely. Do it for real people (and no no no, don't do it for real people in order to feed your ego).
You're good, don't waste it!
Go outside regurarily, exercise would be best.
Techwise i think that Go is a good idea if you are coming from C++ and want to get into cloud and web stuff.
Instead of leetcode i would try to create a small tool involving 2 technologies that is manageable to create in a few days. Finishing something feels very good and the positive feedback can get you into a positive loop.
Simple steps that work: 1. Create a schedule of work and exercise 2. Stick to it 3. Get better sleep as a result of exercise 4. Speak to at least one person every day, even if it's just via text or video call
Rust might be a good shout as it's similar to c++ and there are tons of jobs going in it. Personally I wouldn't learn python these days as it's too slow without many hacks (source: I am a python developer). A high performance language like Julia will probably be preferable in the long run.
It seems that you are facing a acute depression episode. My suggestion is to search professional help. This phase is really difficult and painful, a psychiatrist can really help you.
Be safe!
But I need to know more YOU. I mean where are you from? Are you boy or a girl? Do you have any chronic disease? Who else is in your family? What is your relationship with them? Do you have gf/bf?
You see your life is not separate partition: work, family, friends. Everything is connected and everything affects each other. I can throw some "pop-advice" at you but it will be useless. Also one thing is sure you need to visit Therapist, good one ASAP. Consider it as investment - kind of like going to Dentist, only for your mind. Good luck mate. May the force be with you :)
P.S: Please look into Stoicism too :)
No advice here, but just know that functional alcoholism is a real thing.
Some other things that have helped me crawl through and out of anxiety and depression:
Cold showers, because I feel so much better afterwards, and it’s a way to do a low-stakes difficult thing and thus build confidence to just go for it. Saves water and energy, too.
The Blindboy Podcast, because I enjoy his stories and his mental-health journey expositions. He sticks to his experiences, with which I have much in common.
WOOP: wish, outcome, obstacle, plan; rather than stop at the good feelings from a daydream, consider the obstacles and make a plan, each step in as few words as possible. Not my idea—-German psychologist, I think.
If you don’t already, breathe through your nose, if able (Breath, by James Nestor). Since I’ve been taping my mouth shut with a narrow strip of surgical tape I’ve been sleeping better, waking up to pee less often, and not losing so much water overnight, so I wake more-ready for the day. When I feel an anxiety spiral approaching, my best chance of interrupting it is by focusing on my breathing. A cold shower will do this for you, and then you keep it going. Wim Hof has some useful guided breathing narratives on that popular video site that Google bought awhile back.
Humming and singing are ways to create ephemeral art and stop the internal voices of negative self-talk and immature mantras [edit: intrusive thoughts].
Tiny Habits, by B.J. Fogg; even if you remember that you forgot to practice yoga, smile and pat yourself on the back for remembering.
So much to try! Forgive yourself for stumbling through life, for making mistakes after mistakes, for not sticking to plan, for letting yourself down, for indulging, etc. Intrinsically you are better than no one, no one is better than you, and you are worthy of love. What does it feel like to practice unconditional love for yourself? What does it feel like to be thankful to yourself? To others?
Edit to add: Blindboy ep153 is mostly about mental health, and there are numerous other episodes with that focus. This one has a reminder about the importance of compassion for others as a way to practice it if compassion for yourself is difficult. Also, imagining yourself time-traveling to visit your younger self during times of stress, and practicing being a good parent to yourself in those moments. I like this one as I work on not passing along my avoidable traumas to my child. Going back and simply sitting there with my confused, emotional younger self is a way to dissolve some residual stress.