I've noticed that I go through a cycle of being hyperproductive, being able to hammer out high-quality things at work, and then turning around and doing the same in personal projects, only to "crash" months later into suicidal depression, where it feels like the antidepressants and other psych meds are doing nothing. When I'm "up" I love my personal and professional work, I can easily spend weeks hammering out code non-stop, and so on. But when I'm "down," I can barely get out of bed before noon.
At this point, I'm stuck really far down inside of the suicidal-depresson stage, and I don't know how to pull myself out. Since I'm in America, I can't just go get committed for a while, because I've done that it before and it was one of the most traumatic things I've ever gone through. I plan to call my doctor ASAP to get my meds adjusted and see if I can make any other changes to improve things. But it all feels so hopeless.
I feel incredibly guilty, because this is affecting my output at work. I can't keep staying in bed hopelessly until past noon, and I need the job to be able to keep myself and my partner afloat. I have some savings, but not enough to take a year to myself. I don't know how it'll go over if I ask for a month or so off at work, so I'm hesitant to ask.
What do I do? How do I help myself?
Do you have benefits with your job? There may be short-term disability benefits you can use for a couple months while you heal. It sounds like you just need rest — not necessarily institutionalization or sleep, rather time away from work to let you do healthy things like reconnecting with nature, exercising, frequent trips for therapy (weekly vs. monthly), etc.
Also, please remember mental health matters fall under ADA (which accounts for mental health among temporary or permanent disabilities) and Family Medical Leave (which would be unpaid unless your state requires the employer to accommodate paid leave). These are federal laws which protect you; your employer must provide reasonable accommodate or permit leave for a health condition without penalty. Talk to your doctor about this; he/she would likely provide documentation which your company would have to comply with. Then, maybe, you will feel more at ease about approaching work?
In the short term, if you need access to therapy but cannot find someone to talk to, ask about your company’s EAP which may be able to get you access to a therapist/counselor more quickly than if you investigated private practices on your own.
I really hope you are able to find a solution which helps you heal. They are out there. Don’t give up hope. Keep trying to find the one that works for you. Be patient and kind to yourself in the meantime.
Magnesium may help. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/16542786/
I spread myself too thin. I noticed you essentially said “I do well at work, then do well at personal projects, then I’m burnt out.”
Have you tried cutting out the side projects and just minimizing your self expectations of output, temporarily even?
Usually when I find myself in this vicious cycle, it is because I have spread myself too thin, and I’m feeling stressed to perform well with everything I have my hand in. I’ve learned that, if I allow myself to fall into that hole, that I end up outputting less than I would if I just took the extra X months or whatever and didn’t trying to cram everything into the same window of time.
After being a startup founder for 3 years and incurring quite a mental and financial toll, I decided to become a salaried worker again and let everything else fall to the side for the next X years.
Sure, I’m not on the track of founding my own business right now. But you know what, that’s ok, I’m really enjoying life and the journey along the way!
Again, there is probably more specifics and situational details to your predicament, but I hope this may give you some more food for thought. Best wishes to you my friend.
It may seem religious, and that might turn you off, but if you prefer, it makes perfect sense to think of the process as just a psychological training technique, something like CBT.
What I've found is that my basic happiness level (not dependent on any life circumstances) keeps increasing. The vicissitudes of life keep bothering me less and less. My mind is full of kindness, to myself and everyone. This kindness makes it easier and easier to genuinely love life. Whatever you do, I hope you feel better.
Work doesn't contribute that much towards the feeling of happiness. You also need good and honest relations with other people (preferably outside work), play, laughter, being outside, good food, sex and intimacy, sense of belonging etc. Most people who are very focused at work at the exclusion of other things are simply never happy, they just learn to how to deal with being miserable all the time.
Do all of these simple things and you’ll feel fresh. You’re caught too deep in your fake perceptions of your life and the world.
he talks a lot about his depression and how he finally got out of his deep rut, after 40 years of on/off again depression, sometimes severe
said he 'had it all' and still almost 'ended it all', so he totally gets it
i've never had it that bad, but i get it too, as much as anyone can who hasn't faced it directly
think he ended up just trying some particular drug mix that fixed him -- or, fixed him enough
so i do think there can be rewards to sticking it out as much as possible
and continuing to read about anyone who has ever talked about 'the black dog', like winston churchill.
i do wonder about the lifestyle stuff, tho
i always think back to that bored rat vs. playpen rat and water vs. cocaine experiment
if you are already getting at least 15 min of high intensity exercise (even a stationary bike, or the 'force fitmill sunny $400' --> recommend)
and you're eating right-ish
then those are both great
but i also wonder what, if anything, changing your job might do.
even if you try to switch to a 4-day/32-hour work week to start
take the salary cut if you need to
then look for other, more people-centric work? or physical labor-oriented?
or even start picking up small IT projects on Upwork or by pinging local businesses, etc.? to mix it up?
maybe try to change roles even within the same company? flip to qa, tech support, pre-sales, etc.? or a diff company?
just some ideas.
...one thing i heard back in the day, not sure i ever followed it myself - think i tried once - something like, "Do more of the things you like to do, and less of the things you don't like to do." seems reasonable.