How Do I Help My Cousin?

Question

I am supposed to meet with a second cousin of mine for breakfast tomorrow. I think he is going to ask for money or advice, but I only see his situation as hopeless. Here's the situation:I feel bad for him. He grew up truly poor (he had no bed when I visited because his mom was a druggie who sold her body for a gallon of milk sometimes), his apartment complex wall on the stairs up was covered in bloody chunks I saw myself, he was abused heavily and was incredibly angry even as a child.He grew up and became a criminal (served years in prison for home invasion) and now has a record and seven kids by seven separate mothers he has to pay child support for. I am sure he will ask for help, but what can be done for someone like that?He is hosed even if he wanted to do better... He will have the worst credit, a criminal record that will keep him from getting jobs, no skills, and worse than that... Possibly a broken personality that can't be fixed at his age. He is truly in a bad situation.If I gave him money, he would spend it and be right back in the same position in a week or two. If I give him advice, even if he follows it, he can never dig himself out of the hole he is in. I don't want him around me or my family as he is a broken and dangerous person. I guess I'll go buy him breakfast and just listen...Anyone deal with a similar situation and have advice?

ada1981 · Accepted Answer

You might be surprised how much buying breakfast and listening and also trusting your own heart and boundaries can do. Be vulnerable with him too.
I would recommend that he gets support to heal his trauma and find himself again.
People can heal and change at any age. A men’s group; a good somatic therapist and psychedelics can go a long way.
Also, just being a friend, letting him vent and not trying to fix him. See if you can hold space and bring some clarity to what he sees his next steps as.
Try to notice where is pain triggers in you your own unhealed parts, and pay attention and be with those feelings instead of trying to “fix” him or push him away to avoid feeling them.
Really appreciate your vulnerability and honestly here.
If we can help him at TryWithin.com with his trauma, we’d be honored.

neom · Answer

It's fine to say: I don't have any money to give you and I don't have any good advice for you, but I'm always here to listen/or/and/have breakfast with you.The other thing, if you can afford it, is to offer to pay for some therapy for him, if he can complete 6 months of therapy, maybe you can help. him further or he may be able to start to help himself?