How does a person accurately assess their strengths, weaknesses, good habits, bad habits etc. when they only have their own subjective experience of these things?
Explicit feedback can be useful, especially in a professional setting, but relies on good communication and for the person receiving feedback to appreciate (in both senses of the word) what is being said. I'm sure we all have examples of advice we didn't fully understand until we were older (and had made the mistakes we were warned about).
In the past I have found meditation useful, but it is obviously subjective too. Personally, I have found it too easy to slip from self-inquiry to disproportionate self-criticism, though perhaps that is a stage on the journey.
My favorite agreement by far is don't take anything personally.
For example a really good friend of mine, was having a bunch of trouble in her home life but she couldn't exactly afford to move out. So if you're working with her and she's rude to you, it has nothing to do with anything you did. 99% of how someone reacts to you is based upon what they're going through. And plus getting upset over someone else doesn't improve anything.
I also have some Buddhist leanings, which are so important to me I told a girl it wasn't going to work when she said that Buddhism was satanic.
Finally learn to appreciate and love yourself, this is by far the hardest lesson I continue to learn. It's very easy to look at maybe a job you didn't get or a relationship that didn't work and think that you're some type of broken thing. But you realize no one really has it figured out we're all just trying to get through the day, you can make peace with who you are
I think journaling works for me by externalizing my thoughts in concrete form. Immutability sucks in the short term but dealing with it is beneficial for me in the long term. Rereading a cringe inducing past entry from time to time is Pavlovian conditioning against doing so again.
Journaling creates a linear narrative from my thoughts. It is the opposite of mulling it over in my head in circles and spirals. It runs beside me not around.
Of course for a long time there was much more ruminating than today. And there has always been a meditative dimension to writing.
But for me meditative behaviors are about reminding myself I have access to an inner state of calm. Not a road to trivial insight (enlightenment I heard is a much bigger deal).
Journaling because writing is thinking with meeting minutes.
I've been interested in how quickly this comes about. I'm not claiming to be any kind of guru (I'm about a decade into a fairly irregular practice and maybe 2-3 years into something more routine/structured) but even after a few months, you start to become aware of how you immediately react to things.
This doesn't mean that a meditative approach makes you become some kind of sage - you still get cross, still react in bad ways - but it's more fleeting, less likely to affect your whole day or cause longer term anxst.
Without explicit feedback, by being attentive to the reactions of others. Not just their words, but their physical reactions and body language as well. If you've disappointed a manager, you may not get a statement about it from them. But you'll see it in other ways:
- Do they greet you like they used to?
- Do they give you the same kind of assignments/tasks? More responsibility, less responsibility?
- Do they, unprompted, solicit advice or ideas from you more often or less often?
- Watch their facial expressions when they see you coming down the hall of the office (obviously easier in years other than this one). Do they "put on" a pleasant face or does it seem to come naturally?
Same thing when dealing with other people in this regard. Romantic partners, family members, friends, acquaintances.
And be willing to solicit feedback. If something seems off, ask about it. But be open to potentially negative feedback. You cannot be defensive if they say something hurtful, you solicited it.
Habits and productivity:
For things like habits or productivity, you can gauge yourself fairly well with a logbook/journal. Write down a "daily activities" note. "What did I do today?" Then review it at the end of each week to make a weekly activities summary, and review that monthly for another summary. And compare the weeks and months against each other. "Hmm, these were 5 simple tasks and that's all I accomplished this month, but in prior months I finished harder ones. Was the work lighter this month with the holidays or did I do something different?"
Self-criticism versus self-inquiry:
Look into CBT (cognitive behavior therapy). That turned my life around from suicidal depression to actually being (mostly) satisfied and happy with myself and my life (mostly because there are areas I want to improve, but I'm not loathing or hating myself anymore). Find a therapist/counselor with the specific goal of working on this skillset.
Much of my questions about the quality & persuites of my habits where answered when I read Carl Jung's "Structure & Dynamics of the Psyche".
I also found an online community[0] that studies philosophy & focuses on how to apply it to daily habits.
Much of what philosophers like Carl Jung & the Academy Of Ideas articulated might not be scientific fact, but what I can confirm is that almost everyone will find them very therapeutic and helpful in a sense. It has become sort of my "church"
For the former, its probably ideal to pick someone you trust and respect, and try to be clear with them you want critical or constructive feedback.
For the latter, meditation, therapy, and Vedanta-style self-inquiry can all trigger more self-awareness and self-dissolution. As the amygdala shrinks and prefrontal cortex gets more activated, the fear-based, survival-oriented self erodes and you start to be able to see more clearly and objectively.