I started a new job a few months ago at a startup as an early stage engineer- the first engineering hire who's still on the team. I've made some powerful, cool infrastructure. The founders have been telling me how much they appreciate my work, that I got us through the busiest time of the year with my contributions, and that I am pivotal to the team.
It's nice, but I've got this awful feeling that's set into me. I feel like life doesn't have a point anymore- even though work is going well I'm not getting the satisfaction I thought I would have. Each day when waking up early all I want to do is just lay in bed and stare at the ceiling, maybe listen to music. It's like a heavy, crushing weight and I feel like it's destroying me- sometimes I wish I wasn't here so I didn't have to feel this way.
I don't have any hobbies or friends outside of work I'm engaged with- last time I met with a friend was on my birthday a few months ago, and I haven't met them since.
At work, everyone still thinks I'm productive, but I feel like I'm working at a fraction of how effective I could be. I don't know how to get my productivity back and how to feel healthy again.
Have you ever had an encounter with depression in a startup? What did you do? How did you counteract the productivity losses? Thanks
From what you describe, you've thrown yourself into your work but you don't feel really challenged or stretched. You also seem to have devoted yourself to your work (a plus--I get it) while ignoring some areas of your life that seem important (friends, hobbies).
Balance is really a key here. Work drives us. It provides rewards that can be quantified. But it isn't everything. Make time for self-care. Take a break. Accept that stepping off the treadmill is ok (essential, in fact).
Take time. Laugh. Goof off. Focus on relaxing. The earth (and the start-up) will continue to spin without you for a few hours.
hug