I want to quit because it breaks me to see my wife think I do not desire her physically, because she is getting old. She is a lovely and beautiful woman.
I also want to quit because I find this addiction high, leaves a trace of depression behind.
If you did quit, how did you manage? Any help is appreciated.
I'd also suggest seeing a therapist who uses cognitive-behavioral therapy and other evidence-based methods, if you can afford to do so or have decent health insurance.
Whatever you do, avoid twelve-step programs. There's almost no evidence for their efficacy, and the success rate is no more than %10.
I've not yet "conquered" my porn addiction, but I've realized it may have its roots in repressed anger and unable to deal with anger in a healthy way. So I echo the answer of the other comments that mention emotional displacement as the cause. I think the first step is to realize that you're addicted because subconsciously your mind is looking for relief from some difficult feeling you're unable to confront. This makes it useless to try quit by using "will power". Instead I would look for a good therapist who can help with behavioural addictions and with help and hard work you might be able to overcome it. I'm speaking only from personal experience and of course some of these things may not apply to you. But I hope it helps. Good luck my friend.
If you wish to understand more about emotional displacement, depression and addiction, I found two books particularly enlightening on the subject. One is "The body keeps the score" by Bessel Van Der kolk. The other is "In the realm of hungry ghosts" by Gabor Mate. Highly recommend both. The first is particularly great imo.
I can't speak from experience on porn, but this same approach has helped me a lot with other unhealthy habits. I've been doing it about a year, and I am much better at identifying what I am feeling and really desiring, and as a result, the unhealthy habits are less appealing because it's clear they won't give me what I'm really looking for. (In my case it's "belonging") I still don't have a solution for my desire to belong yet, but I am now able to sit in the pain and sadness and disappointment instead of trying to numb it.
Are you sure the problem is pornography? The vast majority of the male population consumes an enormous amount of pornography and is still intimate with their partner. I think you should be open to the idea the problem might exist elsewhere.
Is the problems a lack of mental or physical arousal?
If it's physical you could try getting prescribed viagra, if it's mental a sex therapist might help.
Also if your wife is open to it, you could watch porn together.
If you're wanting to quit porn for its own sake(usually religious) then probably other people's advice would be more beneficial.
1) It's really unfair to go on letting her believe an untruth. She should know the reason you have not been intimate with her. She may even be relieved to know that what she thought was the issue, her getting old which is something that she can't change, wasn't actually the issue and the real issue can be changed. 2) You have been hiding this habit for 15 years, surely this will not be a complete surprise to your wife. 3) The most important reason is that once your wife is aware of your struggle she will be a strong motivation to quit and potentially even a supportive person who you can be vulnerable with (as opposed to strangers on HN).
It might help to picture yourself five years from now. If you don't quit (the trend for the past 15 years) then your relationship with your wife will only have become worse, your wife will continue to believe that she is undesirable, you will continue to have this part of your life that you are scared to share with your family, etc. If you come clean with her then you will (likely) be forced to change and hopefully your relationship is improved and you no longer have this baggage in your life. If she loves you (which it sounds like she does) she will probably be more understanding than you picture in your head.
To share my (religious) experience, I struggled with porn for several years and became extremely frustrated because I felt like I became a slave to the urge, no matter what I tried I couldn't seem to quit. Eventually, in my frustration, I prayed to God and begged for help to break the habit and in that moment I got a calm feeling and with time I felt that my prayer was answered. The addiction didn't go away, but I seemed to find just enough self control/motivation/discipline/whatever to quit cold turkey. I know religion isn't usually a well-received remedy, and it's not required in order to quit porn, this was just my experience.
Besides, depending on how tech savvy you are, content filters may or may not be effective. An unpopular but quite effective one for self control is Pluckeye. It works under linux and windows.
You can also seek an accountability partner.
Also, following the subreddit /r/NoFap might keep you motivated. Here are some videos which motivate me personally : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5R-FbmLbpWY
As suggested before, breaking out of your bad habits is a great way to get started:
- never find yourself alone in a room with your computer (put the desk in the living room, etc.)
- get an app like Loop habit tracker [2] to track your "porn free" days and keep the streak going!
- do more activities with your loved ones (any kind of activities)
(I'm currently 65 days in. I know how it feels. It gets better with time. The fact that you've reached for help means you're already on the good way! Good luck to you!)
As someone who has dealt with the selfsame thing you are going through I found their program helpful in helping me get out of addiction (I wasn’t sure I wanted to share that but if it helps you out then it was worth it).
So suggestion is to think what you love doing - and start doing that.
Engage and get focus on something meaningful and exciting for you.
This active re-focusing will help you to steer toward something good and automatically away from something not good.
Second, see a therapist who specializes in this. Groups mentioned in this thread are good too. Change your routine and find someone who can hold you accountable. Go to bed at the same time as wife, find an activity/hobby to redirect energy and re-sensitize.
1) Edit the host file to block nsfw websites on your computer: https://github.com/4skinSkywalker/anti-porn-hosts-file. Note that the host file blocks whole websites (e.g. reddit.com), not specific pages (reddit.com/r/news/).
2) Download a web/app blocker to lock down your browser during night time. I use https://heyfocus.com/?utm_source=focus_about, but there are several free apps to choose from.
3) Soul-search what really caused the compulsive behaviour. This lengthy process is less about finding "the ONE answer" and more about self-awareness. A good psychologist (a professional therapist who does not rely on prescriptions) can help you connect the dots. I was skeptical at first, but I've ended up enjoying the sessions.
4) Find a hobby that involves exploring open spaces: hiking, nature photography, bird watching, biking through the countryside... you need to feel that child-like freedom again. Modern life is like moving from one prison cell to the next, each one with a specific function. Your daily routine is likely defined by a string of tiny spaces: bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, sidewalk, car, office, repeat. Porn might be one way to escape from the ubiquitous wall, but I suggest you to explore other possibilities.
I wish you good luck! I hope you'll post your progress to this community in the future.
I believe there is a sexual addiction and/porn addition group in just about every medium-sized city. If you can't find the latter, the former should be able to help direct you to appropriate channels.
You will face great challenges to success without a qualified mental health professional
I would not trust advice you find on the Internet, it could just compound the invisible biases you already have (this is a risk with therapists too, but less so since they're trained professionals).
Shop around for a therapist. If you have friends who know you well and can recommend a therapist ask them for a recommendation.
Best of luck, seeking out help is the first step.
Once you are on your daily mind fight, you can help yourself and clean your browser history everywhere, delete all internet accounts, remove everything that might light a spark leading you to go downwards.
At home you can block everything that you want to avoid, simply add rules to router.
But really your mind is where most of battle will happen.
The world is full of people who had addictions and then escaped them, by whatever means. Do not lose hope.
Some people find a solution in 12 step recovery programs. It's a very difficult addiction. Some people find the spiritual aspect distasteful. If that's you then perhaps a therapist could be of use.
Another thing that's helpful is to identify when you have your strong moments and capitalize on those to do more preventative measures. You posting this was one of your strong moments, for example. Make it easier by removing the possibility of accessing porn; if you are an alcoholic, get the liquor out of the house. People have already recommended some good solutions - I'd even go as far as to access your router and put a block on your computer's IP address. (Wife might notice if you put a blanket parental policy on everything) But do these changes when you are feeling strong so it will make it easier when you feel weak/low on willpower.
Sam Harris has an pretty good intro to mindfulness. It's a lot easier to deal with any addiction when you can make that little tiny voice louder. The way addiction thrives is when we lie to ourselves. The harder that is to do, the more resistant we are to addiction. Good luck!